Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > you can keep my brother

Perfect.

by darkviolet 9 Reviews

In the middle of a gun fight, in the center of a book store..

Category: My Chemical Romance - Rating: G - Genres: Angst, Romance - Characters: Bob Bryar, Frank Iero, Gerard Way, Mikey Way, Ray Toro - Published: 2007/04/14 - Updated: 2007/04/14 - 1840 words - Complete

Reviews

  • you can keep my brother

    (#) MCR_dynamite 2007-04-14 09:37:00 AM

    That chapter was so...I dunno! I'm speechless! I feel sorry for both of them! Aw, update soon! (Please)

    Author's response

    I actually felt sad after writing it. but really glad you loved it!!
  • you can keep my brother

    (#) jerseygirlxx 2007-04-14 10:45:32 AM

    I really liked this part. {first a few quick not even noticable really (well im just crazy so I see this) but in the begginning you say 'miracle he found the house.blah blah' you know what you wrote =) ' didnt think he recoginze us'. should be recognized us. also further down where they trip couple hundred times should read trip "a" couple hundred times.} keep in mind these things are harldy and I mean hardly noticable and dont take away at all from the story its just me being well...me (sorry) =)

    I loved the fight scene. Very well written. You may wanna try staying away from all capitials next time. You say shes yelling/ screaming so all caps is not necessarily needed. and sometimes its more effective to capitilize just a few CERTIAN words for emphasis. (Ha ha see how I did that!) Made certian look like the most important word I said. =) The only glitch in the fight 'scene' is kinda how it starts- he said I dont owe you an explantion. (Wow that was totally harsh of him --I loved it!) but then she replies sure you dont... That sounds funny..Ive never heard anyone say that- not in that context. Then when he says youre not my mother! Makes me think maybe you meant her to say sure you do? (owe me an explantion) or maybe of course you dont. (sarcastically of course) I dont know I read it outloud and it didnt flow right.

    Overall it was a great scene though. I knew it was Gerard in the bushes!! Although it wouldve been cool and totally unexpected if you made it a drunk bum like Mikey thought!!! That wouldve been hysterical!! Then Gerard couldve come stumbling in later. =0! Anyway I like how youre capturing the conflicting emotions shes having. Keep writing & update soon -xoxo

    Author's response

    I fixed the things you've mentioned, thank you soo much for thaking the time to point these things out to me!!

  • you can keep my brother

    (#) AlexSanDee 2007-04-14 11:53:27 AM

    Just had time to read your story. It's very good. Lots of raw emotion. Please continue soon

    Author's response

    Raw is what I aim for! thanks for reviewing!
  • you can keep my brother

    (#) guardi_flava06 2007-04-14 08:55:39 PM

    Wow, this was a very intense chapter....it was sooooooo good!

    Author's response

    I'm glad you feel that way!! That was the intention!
  • you can keep my brother

    (#) rocker4lifeSAM 2007-06-20 12:47:16 PM

    oh wow. that was, uhmm. intresting.

    INTENSE more like it!

    Author's response

    that's good, right??

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