Categories > Original > Humor0 Reviews
An epic story of a young boy's journey into a computer game, where he learns more about crappy graphics and stories in games and some important lessons about life. Plus, there's lots of monsters.
The phone was ringing.
Get it, someone get it, Dennis thought blearily. No one did.
He was, of course, half asleep. More 3 quarters actually. Everyone has experienced that unpleasant feeling of confusion, disorientation and tiredness. It was that time between waking and sleeping in which most people hate, which these people wished never happened. Especially if you were dreaming about something good.
It was common for these people to be very, very angry upon contact with another fellow human. The best bit of advice for approaching someone in this state is: don't. These people often need a strong drink such as juice, coffee, or alcohol to revitalize their senses. It is only when they have actually woken up slightly more than halfway that you should interact with them. Usually.
Dennis knew who it would be, Mr. Flagbagger, his maths teacher. Where's your homework young man? Don't tell me I need to ring home again Dennis, or I won't be happy. He felt a strong impulse to punch this thought in the face. He did not want to answer it if it was his maths teacher, of all people. All of a sudden, he was on a bus in his underpants, waving a fish around and asking everyone if they knew where his pants were. But of course no one did, because this was a dream, and there were no pants.
He faintly heard someone call his name. Fine, I'll get it, he thought groggily. He picked up his concrete arms and made a colossal effort to reach the phone. His eyes opened slightly to see that it wasn't the phone ringing at all, it was a face laughing at him. Then something bizarre happened, and the face materialized into his alarm clock.
It took him a moment to realise what the hell he was looking at. With a groan, he remembered that he was asleep in his house, in his room, with pants on.
This thought reassured him slightly. At least he was wearing pants. That unpleasant dream had startled him into thinking that he was an idiot. After lying in his soft, comfortable bed for a few moments longer, he suddenly remembered what day it was. His 15th birthday. He had expected something in his brain to go off, and make him all excited, but it didn't. It felt like a schoolday, that was for sure, and this was definitely not a pleasant thought.
With a huge burst of energy, he flung himself out of bed and crash landed onto the floor. With a groan, he rolled around for a bit before dragging his aching body upwards. His muscles felt like jelly and his brain ached intensely. After yawning for several minutes and trying to stretch, he staggered over to his fish bowl.
Dennis had two fish: Izzy and Fry. These fish have no importance at all in this story.
He fed his not important fish, and dressed himself. At least he didn't have to go to school on his birthday, which was quite a large advantage. But he did have a lot of homework which he really did not want to do, and rather felt he shouldn't seeing as it was his birthday and all.
He crossed the room and booted up his computer. It was given to him as a Christmas present one year from a great aunt of his, who was incredibly rich. Dennis really only ever used it for schoolwork, and to play a few games he owned. He was not a huge "computer game" fan, but he did enjoy fiddling with his games once in a while.
After completing these essential tasks, he went downstairs (Yep, two-storey house, who'd have thought) to be greeted by his family.
There is absolutely no point in describing what happened next - those who have ever had a birthday before (I'm sure most of you have) will know what happened to Dennis. Presents, smiles, congratulations, and breakfast.
Now perhaps I should explain what he actually received for his birthday, because one item in particular is very important to the story. He received: 1 wallet. 1 T-shirt. 1 box of chocolates. 1 Argus the Alien Slayer. By far the most expensive, exciting and important present was the last one. It was a computer game, which Dennis received with mild enthusiasm and terrible humour. Now this game is, as I have mentioned, very important to the story. What happens next is so inexplicably bizarre, so utterly strange, so unfrighteningly improbable that I wouldn't be surprised if you fell off your chair.
Dennis was about to be propelled into a video game.
It was called Argus the Alien Slayer, a G rated 3-D platformer with bad graphics. Its highest review had been a 7 out of 10 by an 80-year-old reviewer who was deaf, had no teeth and had Parkinson's. How he is still reviewing I will never know.
Dennis was rather skeptical with this present. He grabbed his presents and went up to his bedroom with a big glass of orange juice (He had now woken up completely). He sat at his computer and read the back of the box. It said:
Evil aliens from the planet Morg have attacked the land of Camembile, and taken the villagers and king as slaves to build their ultimate doomsday weapon. Only you have survived from the aliens, and must fight to defeat them and free the king. With stunning visual effects, and immersive gameplay, you will be on the edge of your seat from the action packed beginning to the explosive end. Suitable for all ages.
And below it:
7/10 Hubert J. Watermelon GameInformer Monthly
"This game made me feel young again! It was great! From its great looks to its great controls (although they are a bit jumpy) this game was a marvel to play! I highly recommend it to those over 75!"
That was all. It showed 3 screenshots in total: A small man fighting a giant rabbit with no face, a small man fighting a giant wolf with no face, and a small man fighting a skeleton with too many faces.
He took out the CD and stuck it in the computer. It whirred and hummed for about 10 minutes before the install screen came up.
Yes. Next. Next. Next. Yes. Next. Finish.
He started up the game, and watched logos parade themselves across the screen. There was no opening movie. The main screen appeared: New game and Options. Brimming with despair, Dennis pressed New Game.
Writing scrolled along the screen, telling Dennis the story of Argus and what happened to the land of Camembile. As he was watching this, he reached for his big glass of orange juice, because he was thirsty from being bored. Now this is where this game becomes important. It is also where the story takes a huge leap into bizarreness, and stretches the borders of reality.
He picked up the juice and was in the process of bringing it to his lips when the bottom of the glass bumped into the keyboard. Dennis had miscalculated the height of the keyboard, how high he had to bring the glass, and what type of juice it was. He had thought that he had poured orange juice, but it was in fact, pineapple. This mistake may have been the cause of this whole chain of strange events. Pineapple juice went spilling all over the keyboard and Dennis jumped up in alarm.
This particular incident has caused debate between nerds all over the world. Some poor idiot with no life put out the theory that if the juice had been in fact orange, this whole incident would have never occurred at all. He also stated that if it had been mango, Dennis would have been transported into the matrix of the computer and lived as a small computer chip for the rest of eternity, or until the computer got destroyed by a grizzly bear or a virus. He also stated that if the juice had been orange and mango, Dennis would have simply imploded. It's this kind of thinking that really gives nerds their proper respect in society.
Dennis quickly tried to wipe up the pineapple juice off the keyboard. As he touched a drop of juice that was on the letter G on the keyboard, a strange sensation filled his body. He looked down and saw electrical impulses travelling up and down his arm, and his fingers were turning blue. He became light headed, and his knees felt weak. All of a sudden, there was a giant flash of blue light, and Dennis blacked out. Little did he know that he had just been thrown into Argus the Alien Slayer, and was now the main character.
Now, once again some nerd started to put out theories of what would have happened if Dennis had have touched juice on another key, but frankly, no one really cared, and the nerd was thrown into a pool of sharks.
This is where the story gets really weird.
The story so far: Dennis, our hero, gets a game, spills pineapple juice, and blacks out. I would like to tell you that Dennis awoke on his bedroom floor, and discovered that the pineapple juice had not affected anything and that he was safe. But then I would be lying. And I don't lie.
The real story: Dennis awakes in a strange place with words scrolling in front of him. Now I'll switch back into past tense, seeing as though all of this has already happened. He got up, and rubbed his aching head. His brain felt like it had been cut in half by a plastic fork and then dunked in lemon juice. And believe me, this is not a good feeling.
As he came to his senses, he looked around him to see the words moving up into the sky, and an old man looking calmly at him. Dennis coughed, and made his way over to the man.
"Excuse me," he called, "who are you? And where am I?"
The old man looked calmly back at him.
Dennis tried again, with the same good fortune. He glanced around at where he was and was surprised to see that it was the world from Argus the Alien Slayer. He felt really freaked out. Vast, rolling plains with a few trees covered the landscape, with a road leading down into a small village. He walked up to the old man.
"Hello? Can you hear me?" he asked.
"Welcome, welcome! Thankyou for playing Argus the Alien Slayer. Please enter your name!"
Above Dennis, a screen appeared. "Uh, my name is Dennis," he replied, nervously. The screen above him spelled out his name in big red letters.
"Um, lower case please," said Dennis, thoroughly confused. The screen corrected itself, and disappeared. The old man walked up to him.
"Hello Dennis!" he said warmly. "Welcome to Camembile. I need your help to stop the evil aliens from Morg from building their doomsday device, and rescue the king! The land is in grave danger!" His face remained the same. Smiling. "We must make our way to the nearby village of Grath to get information and help. This may help you on your quest!" A silver sword appeared from nowhere and fell on Dennis. It was very heavy. Dennis got up and examined the sword, which was silver and a sword. That was it.
"Um okay..." said Dennis again, "what am I meant to do exactly?" The old man's face didn't change.
"You must collect the Sword of Camembile and use it to kill the head Morg alien! Only then will the Morg race leave here!" Dennis looked at the shiny, pointy thing in his hand.
"What about this sword?" he asked.
The old man's face changed. Instead of smiling, it was now blank, and unexciting. "This is the default sword. You must collect the Sword of Camembile to kill the evil Morg king. It is being held in the Morg castle in Harung, the capital of Camembile. To change movement settings, please select options from the pause menu." His face smiled again. "Come Dennis! Let us go!" In jerky movements, he turned and began walking down the road.
All at once, Dennis realised what was going on. He was in a computer game. He was in a computer game. He was the guy in the game. Except it really was him. Another thought occurred to Dennis. If it was called Argus the Alien Slayer, why was he called Dennis? He ran to catch up to the old man.
I will take a brief moment to tell you about the creators of this particular game. It was made by Forget Games, who were situated somewhere in Eastern Europe. Argus the Alien Slayer (which I will now refer to as Argus) was released after nearly no publicity, and Forget quickly realised what a giant mistake they had made. After the nearly total failure of this game, Forget was shut down, and its headquarters were turned into a public swimming pool. Out of the 450 thousand copies that were released, a mere 78 copies were bought in shops. A boy named Dennis Hooperfield was now playing 1 of those copies, and he did not like it at all.
This, however, was not Forget's first game. They had made 3 other slightly more successful games than Argus. These were: Virtual Dominoes, Virtual Podiatrist ("Spot boils and warts as you follow the exciting life of a real life podiatrist!" the box proclaimed) and Frenzy, a strange game where you ran around an office throwing people through windows. After realising how bad Argus really was, most of its creators applied themselves to mental institutions, or became politicians. Forget was forgotten.
Dennis caught up to the old man. "So, I'm really meant to kill these aliens that have invaded your planet? I'm just meant to walk up and go: Howdy, so I guess I'll just kill you now? How am I meant to do that?"
The old man turned his head towards Dennis. "You will be trained by Argus, who will help you to defeat the aliens. We are nearly at Grath."
At least one of Dennis' questions had been answered.
And so they arrived at Grath. The road led straight into a town where everyone was standing still, and there were more buildings than people. The old man took some time to explain what was going on.
"Camembile has existed for hundreds of years. It is a land of peace and harmony. One day, a fleet of aliens from the planet Morg arrived and enslaved our king and most the people in Camembile to build a doomsday weapon for the Morgs. They plan to aim this weapon at a distant planet in the hopes of destroying it. Only the city of Grath survived, and now you must venture forth with Argus to restore peace back to Camembile!" Dennis considered telling this old man how weak and pathetic this story was, but decided against it.
The old man started back down the road. Dennis followed, and asked him what his name was.
"My name is Gorgonjimp," he replied, and Dennis nearly choked.
"Gorgonjimp?" It took all his self-control not to laugh. His mother had always taught him not to laugh at strangers, and he wasn't going to start now.
"Yes, that is my name," Gorgonjimp replied calmly, "Please follow me to meet Argus. He will help you slay the aliens!"
Dennis was getting sick of being told this.
They kept walking until they reached a little house wedged in between two shops. A sign out the front proclaimed: Argus the Alien Slayer's house. Dennis laughed this time. He did not bother to point out this stupidity to Gorgonjimp. He walked up and pushed the door open, and entered into a bright little room. A man was standing in front of him. A tall man, with dark wavy hair and wearing a brown shirt and green pants. His face was slightly blurry and his body was jagged and square, looking like he was wearing a coathanger underneath his shirt. He was holding a huge golden sword and his face was unshaven, trying to suggest some sort of ruggedness.
As ridiculous as Argus looked, he was nothing compared to who was going to walk in next.
Forget Games had a brilliant idea while making this game. Some genius decided to make it that Argus helps you, not you are Argus. This went down rather well at Forget. He also had a similar idea where some annoying idiot decides to tag along with you and Argus, and help you fight the aliens. This also went down well at Forget.
But the name of this person and what he was wearing was one of the millions of flaws that Forget got wrong with Argus. All they did was take Argus' body, shrink it a lot, and put some enormously bright coloured clothes on him. And so was born Leroy Gold.
"Hello Dennis!" Argus shouted to Dennis. "Thankyou for helping me fight the aliens! I trust Gorgonjimp here has explained to you the story of the terrible tragedy that has occurred!"
Dennis glanced at Gorgonjimp and then back at Argus. "He sure has."
"Great!" Argus said and walked towards Dennis. "I will need to train you first, so I will teach you how to fight!"
At that moment, Dennis was shocked to see a horrendously dressed character walk into the house. He had the same face as Argus (unshaven though, suggesting that he was a wimp) and a bright yellow t-shirt with orange pants. His shoes were flouro green, and he was holding a brown sword. His face had the same blurriness, and his shirt also looked rather square. He walked past Dennis, and Dennis discovered that he only came up to his shoulders.
Dennis shivered. It was sickening.
"Argus let me come with you," the freak whined in a high pitched whiny voice. "Come on, I wanna fight the aliens as well! I wanna show you how brave I am! Please Argus pleeeeeeease?"
Argus laughed. This was also horrible. "You're too young Leroy," he pronounced in a deep voice that didn't suit anything in this game. 'Go home kid. I don't want you killed out there."
Dennis knew where this was headed.
"No I wanna come with you Argus! Please let me come! I promise I won't do anything bad!"
Dennis wondered who had actually wrote the dialogue, and realised he really didn't want to know.
"Oh, okay then. If that's okay with you Dennis." Argus turned and looked at Dennis. He knew that Leroy Gold was coming whether he liked it or not, so he said yes reluctantly.
"Well then," Leroy chirped, "Let's go fight some aliens!" Argus laughed again, and Dennis went outside. Or at least tried to. As he tried to open the door, he found it locked, even though Leroy had walked in only a few moments ago.
"I must train you first Dennis, before we can fight the aliens. Come here please."
Dennis tried the door again.
"Come here please." Argus repeated.
After debating whether or not to break a window so that he could get out, Dennis went over to Argus. It was better to follow the proper flow of the game. Even if this one was going upstream.
The next ten minutes for Dennis were quite strange. Leroy stood stock still in one corner while Argus taught him how to fight. He kept saying thins like "To slash you sword, press Left mouse button." So Dennis would stand there and wave his arms about and jump. Then Argus told him what they needed to do. Apparently, they needed to make their way to Harung and battle the Morg aliens. But before this they had to get the Sword of Camembile and drive it into the heart of the Morg king. But before this they needed to get the Holy Ring of Zaphos to aid them in their quest. Then they would have to destroy the doomsday device, ensuring safety of the king and the country. The aliens would then retreat and the king and people would be saved.
Dennis considered what he had heard and wished that he had never gotten this game. It was true that you get to love games over a period of time, but Dennis highly doubted it for this game. Little did he know but he would come to love this game, and be quite sad when he had to leave.
Little did he know that he would get so involved in this game that he would actually be sad when one of the party died near the end. There will be no suspense in this story so I'm going to come right out and say it: Leroy Gold dies near the end. There.
Yes, Dennis would come to love the game eventually, but for the moment, he hated it.
Computer games are made so that people can play them and enjoy them. Most games do this rather well, and others do it not so well. But at least every game is on some way enjoyable. There has only been one game in existence where a game has actually caused depression, distress and in some cases, suicide. This fateful game was called Penguin Fighter 3. It was so incredibly difficult that those who even looked at the box had the sudden impulse to bang their heads against the closest brick wall they could find.
It involved the player travelling to Antarctica, where they would need to spot penguins, and then fight them in hand to hand combat. Finding the penguin was the hardest part, because they were nearly invisible against the black and white background. Fighting them was also immensely difficult because the person had only one fight move, and could not jump or move in 3 D. The penguin was the exact opposite.
It was reported so hard and frustrating and "unfun" that even the creators did not enjoy playing it. Not one person in the entire universe had ever had fun playing this game, and Dennis wondered how Argus could be any different.
When Dennis' training had finished, Argus instructed him and Leroy to follow him outside. They left the house, and found themselves on the same street with the same people with the same weather and sky pattern. Argus told Dennis and Leroy to follow him, as they were off to start their adventure. They left the small town, and no one in the street moved a muscle. Dennis thought that this was highly strange. No goodbyes? No party for their brave efforts? No one thanking them for their brave deeds? But then he remembered that this was Argus and shrugged. Why should there be? If no one could move, why say goodbye? Many things puzzled Dennis, but none so much as why anyone would make a game where no one moved, where no one cared what you were doing. Gorgonjimp was gone.
They followed the road out of town, and out onto the rolling plains. Argus was walking silently, as was Leroy. Dennis felt compelled to say something, and he did.
"Um," he began, "so... um, what... so... where do you guys come from?"
"Well," Argus replied, "Leroy and I live in the town of Grath, which was lucky enough to survive the alien attack. After we defeat the aliens we plan to return and live a simple, quiet life in Grath."
"Oh, okay, great," muttered Dennis and they continued on in silence, unaware of the horrible danger they were about to encounter.
It took the shape of a small rabbit.
Argus stopped after a few minutes of silent walking, and pointed ahead. "There is a foe ahead. Be on your guard. Dennis, make sure your sword is equipped." Dennis looked down at the long pointy thing in his hand. It sure was. Then, all of a sudden, a rabbit jumped apparently from nowhere and landed in front of them. Leroy, being the idiot that he was, reached down to pat it, and nearly got his hand ripped off. The rabbit had transformed into, well, a rabbit with long, sharp teeth.
Leroy cried out in surprise and promptly fell down. "Quick Dennis!" Argus shouted, "Draw your sword and kill that foe!" Dennis, deciding that this was probably the proper way to play the game, swung his sword and smashed the rabbit on the head. It was dead.
The conscience is a puzzling thing. It's that weird feeling you get when you rob a bank, steal a unicycle, or torment a bear. Some people have compared it with regret, but these people are idiots. Your conscience is a bomb waiting to go off, and it costs people to lose their jobs, pants or even their lives. People have often wondered why God created the conscience, and this simple wondering has caused debates in certain areas that are unimportant in the world.
Some people say that it is punishment for our sins. Okay. Some people say that God was bored and decided to make us feel bad. Okay. And some people even argue that there is no God, and that the conscience is a chip implanted into our brains when we are born. These people are also idiots.
You may be wondering why this little piece on consciences has cropped up into the story. This is because Dennis has a conscience. He has always had one, and always will. And it was at this moment when he killed that little rabbit, that Dennis' conscience came into play.
Even though he knew that poor rabbit was made of computer graphics, Dennis felt his conscience rattle his brain like a machinegun round to the chest. Well, maybe not that much. He was confused as why he felt bad, because it was only a rabbit, and it was only a minor thing. He was certain (and hoping) that there would be more enemies to encounter which would require his conscience to be completely blocked off from his brain. So he tried to block it out.
Suprisingly, it worked.
"Well done Dennis!" Argus said to him in that strange deep voice. "But Leroy is badly hurt! Quick, run and find some Elderberries so that we can heal him." Dennis looked around him. Conveniently placed nearby was a bush, presumably an elderberry bush, with berries on it, presumably elderberries. He walked over to the bush and knelt down.
Gorgonjimp materialised in front of him.
Dennis fell back onto the grass. "Geez, you frightened me Gorgonjimp!" He got up. "So what are you doing here?"
All of a sudden, Gorgonjimp spoke in that weird, boring tone again. "To put items into your inventory, walk up to an object and press the Action button. Then select Inventory from the Pause menu, and pick which item you want to use. To use item, press the Use button." Then he vanished. Just like that.
Dennis picked up an elderberry, didn't put it in his inventory (wherever that was) and walked over to Leroy and Argus. So much for playing it properly, but he could do that later.
Most game creators put things like inventories, action buttons and items in their games to make it easier to play. And Forget Games, not wanting to be different, did this also. But the people working on the whole inventory part of the game made a gross calculation in making it, and made it so that only 2 items could be held in the inventory at one time. Somehow, this also included the weapon you were holding. This made it difficult to finish the game, because the player needs the Sword of Camembile, the Holy Ring of Zaphos, and a key to reach the castle. It is only possible to finish the game by a freak occurrence of a glitch, or if you were in the game like Dennis. Thus continues the stupidity of Forget, and its abominable creation.
Dennis handed the elderberries to Argus. Argus held out the berries to Leroy, and they disappeared. A few seconds later, a green flash appeared above Leroy's head, indicating that he was healed.
"Good work Dennis!" Argus said to Leroy, "We have healed Leroy and can now continue our quest!"
All of a sudden, Leroy went from lying down to standing in one jerky move. "Thankyou Dennis! I am now fully healed! You should collect some of those elderberries in case we get injured again! They can restore health points! This will make it easier to play!" After each sentence, Leroy's voice went up, making it sound like he was asking a lot of questions.
Dennis was getting sick of this game.
They continued their pointless journey, encountering nothing but rabbits and elderberries. Dennis had collected nearly 400 elderberries after they had been walking for about an hour. This meant he could heal Argus or Leroy 400 times, which he did not intend to do.
Why? Thought Dennis to himself. It's only a game.
Strangely, "It's only a game," had been said before, with much worse consequences. It was spoken by Jeremiah J. Juniorberri, who was in charge of releasing the extremely violent game: "More killing and blood than you can shake a stick at!" Certain health freaks and other weirdos complained that this game was too violent for the public and would be a public health risk. But, like most people of this nature, they were ignored and shot out of a cannon into the sun.
This particular game involved killing people. And that was about it. Even selecting New Game or Options involved a lengthy amount of time where you had to chase hoodlums through parking lots, waving various sorts of bloody and sharp items around like a lunatic. The game itself was, of course, worse. Derrick Bonafidility, a mathematician, calculated that the main character killed 14 people every 0.005 seconds, and that nothing else happened in the game.
He also predicted that those who played this game would, for some bizarre reason, follow this example and start their own killing spree involving mass murders (surprisingly). But stupid Jeremiah, wanting to get rich off this game, replied saying: "It's only a game."
You can almost guess what happened.
After 570 bodies had been cleared away, and Jeremiah had been imprisoned, the phrase: "It's only a game," was regarded as a criminal offence for how wrong it could be.
Dennis was also wrong. It may have been only a game then, but it would become much more to Dennis later on.
After walking for quite some time more, they reached a bridge. A rickety, wooden bridge. With planks missing. Swaying precariously. Over a pit of burning lava.
Argus said something incomprehensible and turned to Dennis. "We have reached a check point Dennis! If you die, you will be transported back here until we reach the next checkpoint! Watch out, that bridge looks dangerous!"
Dennis knew this already.
"We must be careful," whined Leroy, "or we will fall into the lava and die!" Dennis glanced at the lava, then at the bridge, and decided to risk it. He thought that he would easily make it, no problems. He thought that he could run across it in about 5 seconds.
How wrong he was.
While making Argus, Forget decided to put in various difficulty levels at the main screen so that beginners could start off easy, and experts (if there were any) could have a harder challenge later on. After debating this topic for about ten seconds, it was scrapped because no one could be bothered doing this.
So they decided to make it easy at the start and make it more challenging as the game progressed. This was a good idea. The genius who came up with this idea was given a party to congratulate him on this great idea, and was loved by all at Forget.
But some idiot scrambled the commands for the game, and instead of going from easy to hard, the difficulty was thrown all over the place. Sure that rabbit was easy for Dennis, but this bridge was End-Of-The-Game difficulty. Only those who had mastered the game controls could navigate themselves over the bridge, which made it quite difficult for Dennis. The genius who had thought of the idea was tied to a telegraph pole in Iceland for his incompetence.
And so continues the tale of Dennis and the ghastly creation by Forget.
Dennis was about halfway across the bridge when a plank fell off underneath him, and he slipped and fell towards the lava. He felt a moment of surprise, and then fear, and then surprise again, and finally fear as he landed head first into the lava.
Those of you who have died before may have no idea of what it felt like to die in a computer game. Imagine being thrown into a pool of jelly. Now imagine piranhas in this pool. Now imagine these piranhas are very hungry. Imagine these piranhas ripping your body apart, and then having your body put together by vinegar by a bunch of 5 year old kids who are late for their Ritalin dose. Then imagine your body being burned by five hundred flame-thrower wielding criminal maniacs who have a personal grudge against you.
Dennis never wanted to experience that feeling ever again. Ever. He respawned at the checkpoint alongside Argus and Leroy who made no indication that they had seen what had just happened. After screaming for a few moments from the pain of his unfortunate encounter, he considered how he could have died and respawned. He was not a computer simulation, he was real, and he should have actually died. He figured that since he was a part of the game, he responded to everything the same way a computer character would.
He tried again. And fell.
But this time something very strange happened to him. Instead of falling into the lava like previous attempts, he suddenly stopped in midair. Dennis opened his eyes and looked around him. He was standing on air. There was nothing beneath him, but he didn't fall. Curiously, this was one of the many glitches in the game.
If you've never owned a computer before, or live in a cave somewhere, then you may not have heard of a glitch. It is simply this: something that happens in the game which alters what happens. I think.
Take, for example, if you are running along a wall in a game, and then all of a sudden you get stuck and can't move. Glitch. Imagine shooting someone in a game and discovering that for some reason, the enemy can't hurt you. Glitch. Or imagine jumping in a game and suddenly you get stuck in midair. Glitch. And so now, Dennis was subject to a glitch that may have possibly saved him from a particularly nasty experience of death.
After opening his eyes to be confronted by a quite frightening view, Dennis decided to make a jump for the bridge. The only thing was, it was way above his head where he couldn't reach it. After considering the alternatives, he then decided to move in a hope of dying and being respawned. So he took a step forward. And another. He was walking on air. He continued to walk until all of a sudden his body was ripped apart and thrown across to the other side of the bridge. The glitch had decided it had had enough of Dennis walking on air, and thrown him to the other side.
Dennis looked up in surprise. That was very strange. But then again, everything that had happened to him so far was strange, so he decided to forget it.
He turned to see Argus and Leroy standing next to him. Along with Gorgonjimp. "Hey how did you guys get here?" he asked. Neither Argus or Leroy responded, but Gorgonjimp spoke in that boring, flat tone again.
"You have reached a save point in the game. Would you like to save your game?" Dennis decided he would, thankyou very much. So the game was saved, and the party of three (Gorgonjimp disappeared once again) continued on their merry way.
That was the last time that Dennis would encounter a save point or a checkpoint. Forget had somehow forgotten this crucial bit in the game and had only provided one save point and checkpoint for the player. This made it even more frustrating when a player died near the end and got transported way back to this starting point again. At least it was less annoying then the highly criticised game SAVE! This game was made by Eureka Gaming Corporation which was Polish apparently, and required the player to run around a room saving their game.
It didn't sell very well.
After more tedious walking, Dennis asked Argus and Leroy how they got to the other side of the bridge. Argus smiled and responded, for a change.
"With determination, bravery and a clear head, isn't that right Leroy?" Argus clapped Leroy on the back, and Leroy grinned back stupidly at him.
"Yeah it was great fun Argus! I'm so glad that I came with you! That bridge was hard, but I know that any challenge we face we'll be able to pass it!" Leroy laughed at ran ahead.
"We sure will Leroy," laughed Argus, "we sure will!"
They walked for a short while longer, until they encountered another enemy. This time Dennis actually got to fight an enemy that involved a challenge. It was a skeleton that seemed to have a lopsided face with too many eyes. It was your typical skeleton, bones and all, and it was holding a sword. Argus told Dennis to "Quickly attack that foe" and then proceeded to stand still, with his gold sword hanging uselessly by his side.
It occurred to Dennis that he had not seen Argus or Leroy do anything so far except walk. Surely they would do something eventually, and Denis really hoped they would. It would make his job a whole lot easier.
It also occurred to Dennis as to why there was a skeleton in the game. Did the storyline involve bringing the dead back to life in some way? Dennis didn't think it did, and stopped worrying about it. This whole game was a giant mistake made from giant idiots, which should never have been made.
Dennis attacked the foe with great determination. He broke all of its bones and it crumpled to the ground. As soon as this happened, another skeleton appeared which was an exact replica of the first one. Dennis broke this as well. Feeling a little better, he continued fighting these strange enemies for as long as it took.
I should perhaps mention once again another giant flaw Forget made. They overloaded with enemies, flooding the player with about a million enemies at once, and then having none until the next barrage of computer intelligence came along. I could tell you how this happened, but frankly, I couldn't be bothered.
After fighting for what seemed like hours, Dennis crumpled to the ground, completely exhausted. He had lost count after the 300th skeleton, and could not even wonder why a game would be made with so many enemies at one point.
By this time, Argus and Leroy were already making their way along the pathway towards Harung. Dennis managed to get to his feet and caught up to them.
"Hey why didn't you guys help me out?" he panted, knowing that they couldn't really hear him.
"Nice work back there Dennis! We really showed them! We are nearly at Harung! Quick let us go!" Argus looked at Dennis. "We must get the sword of Camembile from the castle and kill the Morgs!"
Dennis decided to stay quiet, and they kept walking.
Remember how I said before that Dennis would come to love this game eventually? Well, I was exaggerating slightly. He doesn't actually come to love it. To love a game like Argus would be impossible, and Dennis was no exception. But he does overcome his resentment towards it, and actually likes it towards the end, and only because he is playing it. Just thought I'd make that clear.
They walked for a long time, battling various rabbits, skeletons, and even a bear. Argus and Leroy still did nothing to contribute to the game, and so Dennis was subject to the brutal harshness of battling everything they met. And collecting elderberries.
Harung was the same as Grath, just bigger. After having meaningless conversations with the people there, Argus called Dennis over to his side. "Look!" he proclaimed, pointing to a large castle way ahead of them. "The castle of the Morgs! We must venture up to the top where we will find the Sword of Camembile and battle the evil Morg king! Please get Leroy and we shall go forth!" This poor attempt of sounding authentic was a poor attempt at being anything at all. Dennis ran over and grabbed Leroy, pulling his hard, computer like body to Argus where Argus told him the same thing.
"Wow is that really the Morg castle?" Leroy asked like the idiot he was, and glanced stupidly at the castle.
"It sure is Leroy, it sure is!" Argus chuckled, his body moving in clunky jerks to match his laugh. "Well, then, let's hit the road!" They once again started walking towards the castle that seemed so very far away.
In a different world, Dennis' mother went up to his room to see how he was doing. After seeing that the room was empty, she walked over to the computer screen and saw three little men dancing across the screen. She completely missed the spilled glass and the pineapple juice sprayed all over the keyboard for some weird reason. She chuckled to herself. She had never understood video games, and she wasn't going to start now.
The story so far for those of you who have missed it: Dennis, our hero, gets a game, spills pineapple juice, blacks out, wakes up in a computer game, battles some skeletons and saves his game. Simple enough. But now their journey continued along the main (and only, it seemed) road of the game, towards the Morg castle where they needed to recover the Sword of Camembile and kill the Morg king.
After a bit more walking, Argus turned to Dennis. "Dennis," he spoke slowly for a change, "before we fight the Morg king, we must visit a small hermit named Fareem and collect from him the Holy Ring of Zaphos. With this ring, we will have more protection from the Morg's attack!" Dennis considered this, and it sounded like a good idea. The game was slowly becoming more bearable now as Dennis actually had something to do. A sub quest would be okay.
Perhaps I should explain this Fareem character and this Holy ring. Fareem is an old prophet from the past days of Camembile who now lives as a hermit in the countryside. The Holy Ring of Zaphos is this special ring which was worn by the legendary Zaphos who helped stopped invaders before.
And now Fareem has the ring.
No one really knows how Fareem came into possession of this ring, but it is apparently really powerful. It can help the wearer withstand attacks because it makes a shield around them or something, and it pumps hope into the wearer. Yep. Now hope is pumped through people like oil.
That's pretty much it from those two. Dennis must now retrieve the ring AND the sword to really defeat the Morg king, and save the land of Camembile. Exciting stuff isn't it?
I should also mention of a giant boss that will be appearing shortly. It is called the Great Monstrosity, and that's exactly what it is. A giant green blob with long teeth and sharp claws. Oh and it's also 10 times the size of a normal person, which will put Dennis to the ultimate test. You see, Forget had this idea that fighting skeletons and rabbits would become a bit tiresome (how right they were) and decided to throw in a boss for good measure. You have to admit it is a welcome change in this game.
Argus the Alien Slayer does get better as you progress, I must say. It starts off as a cheap trick to get money (which it failed at anyway), but as it goes on, the story stabilizes itself slightly, and it becomes more fun. At least Dennis thought this. He started to enjoy the game, knowing that he had a difficult time to go through, with tough challenges and a good, solid storyline. He was mildly correct.
There will also be another main character appearing shortly. Keep your pants on.
So there they were, Argus, Leroy and Dennis, walking along the same road with the same countryside and road going to some old man's house to get a ring that was Holy in some way. This gave Dennis time to think a few things over.
He tried to piece his adventure together from that morning. He could still not fathom what had happened, and decided that he must be dreaming. There was no other possible reason for this whole adventure, except that he really had been sucked into a video game, and this thought was complete rubbish.
Or was it?
He did believe in aliens and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and Satan and others similar, so why not this? He had heard of unexplained phenomena for many years, and this was the most unexplained phenomenon that Dennis had ever heard of. He kept going back to that important moment when he spilled pineapple juice on the keyboard, and tried to remember what had actually happened. There was that weird blue light, and the electricity. That was right, but it didn't solve anything.
Another thought entered his mind. Why on earth would his mother buy him such a terrible game? He had no answer for this, and guessed that his mother knew nothing about computer games. This solved the question in a way, but not enough. The current matter brought him back into focus. If he did finish the game and killed the Morg king, what next? Would he just disappear and wake up in his room? Or would he be trapped in Argus the Alien Slayer forever? This thought was a bit of a worry. An eternity of bad games. He couldn't wait.
All of a sudden, Argus and Leroy stopped walking. Dennis, not wanting to be different, followed suit. There was a small house ahead, with smoke coming out of a chimney. It was your perfect fairytale cottage, with bricks and straw for a roof. There were two small windows and a red door crafted into the front of it, and a small garden out the back. It looked like something a child drew in a picture book.
"It is Fareem's house!" whispered Argus. "He can give us the ring! Let's go!"
"So what does this ring actually do?" inquired Dennis.
"Well," replied Argus, "the Holy Ring of Zaphos puts a forcefield around the wearer, protecting them from magic and soft blows to the body. It also gives the wearer hope, making their attack stronger and their minds clearer! It was crafted in the fires of Mount Dread, and was given to Zaphos for his brave deeds against invaders of our lands."
"Okay, what type of invaders?" inquired Dennis again.
"Armies from other countries, wild animals, aliens, and rebels from the Underground," replied Argus, looking towards Fareem's house.
"Underground?" inquired Dennis once more. "What's the Underground?"
Argus stayed walking calmly. "The Underground is a place under the ground where criminals and rebels are put when they defy the government or the people of Camembile. It is a desolate, bleak world with no hope of escape, and forever torment."
Dennis thought this sounded mighty harsh. "So they're placed under the ground in a barren world and left to die?"
"Yes," replied Argus.
"Wait a minute," Dennis inquired for the last time, "if there's no hope of escape, how did Zaphos fight rebels who were from the Underground? There must be some hope of escape if they escaped."
"I do not know how they escaped," replied Argus for the last time also, "but Zaphos fought them and was awarded the Holy Ring of Zaphos." He paused, and stopped walking. They had reached Fareem's house.
Stories and games often involve "twists" or surprise ending to show the reader how smart the author is. It is usually a good thing to do, as readers are then thrown into a state of shock and amazement, and cannot believe what they have just read. If a twist fails, however, the reader will scoff at the piece of work and most probably throw it into the nearest incinerator they can find.
Argus was no different. It involved a twist so shocking and unbelievable that most readers will be slightly surprised at what happens, but probably no more. But this twist was not to come until the end of the story, and Dennis now had to face a far smaller twist in the game.
Argus swung the door of the cottage open and walked in. Leroy followed him and Dennis followed behind him into the dark, dank room that was Fareem's house.
Or so they thought.
It was a mess. Or as much a mess that a game with bad graphics could get. Papers were scattered across the floor, and books were upended all over the place. A table was overturned, and there was a note crumpled up on the floor. Argus picked up the note and dictated it to Leroy and Dennis.
"Please help," it read, "I have been captured by the Great Monstrosity and it has taken me to his horrible cave in the woods behind my house! Please come and help me for I do not have much time left to live!"
"Oh no!" Argus cried, "Fareem has been captured by the Great Monstrosity!"
Leroy looked scared, and began pacing the room. His brightly coloured clothes still made Dennis shudder everytime he looked at him. "What are we gonna do Argus? What are we gonna do? We can't fight the Great Monstrosity, it is too powerful for us!"
"We must save Fareem for he is our only chance to get the ring!" replied Argus, walking back towards the door. "If we hurry, we might be able to save Fareem and get the ring and kill the Great Monstrosity! Quickly now, let's go!" He walked up to the doorway and walked outside.
Leroy began walking around the house. Dennis noticed a small kitchen with very dirty plates in a grimy sink, and a pile of clothes thrown onto a small bed in the corner. A tall bookcase had been pushed over, and all the books now occupied the floor. Dust and grime covered the 3 windows of the house, and there was a candle lying on the floor that had wet wax coming from it.
Dennis thought that the graphics were pretty good in this bit. He could even feel that the wax was wet, and the whole house had a feeling of neglect and ruin.
Leroy walked back to Dennis. "Wow the Great Monstrosity! I've only ever heard about it in fairytales from my parents when I wouldn't go to bed!" Dennis laughed quietly to himself. As if, he thought. "I had heard that it was powerful, but I could never imagine that it could do something like this!" Dennis began to point out that a human could do this but decided that it was not wise to argue with computer intelligence.
Argus appeared in the doorway. "Hurry up Leroy and Dennis! We must hurry to save Fareem!" he disappeared from the doorway, and Leroy began to walk out.
It was at this point that Dennis knew that there was something terribly wrong.
When Dennis turned 7, he received a shiny red bicycle for his birthday. Filled with excitement, he jumped onto it in his pajamas and wanted to ride it straight away. His parents, however, told him that he could ride it when he got home from school, which did put quite a damper on Dennis' morning. After a hard day's chore doing terribly easy work at school, he arrived home filled with joy and excitement.
He jumped on the bike, and peddled it outside. After safety warnings from his parents (in which he took nearly no notice of) he rode his shiny new bike down his street.
The street that Dennis lived (or lives I suppose) on was adjacent to a very steep hill that stretched for about 200 metres in a steep downward direction. It was often referred to as "that really steep hill" by the older kids at school who had been brave enough to experience its downward stretch of fear.
You can pretty much guess what happens next.
Oblivious to everything except the enormous joy he was feeling, Dennis rode straight out of his road and onto "that really steep hill". When he suddenly realised what was going on, an enormous wave of fear pumped through his body like a tsunami might crash through a small city.
He was going downhill, very, very fast.
As he continued down the hill, his bike slowly gained momentum and speed until it was flying along at the speed of a moderately fast car. Wind rushed past him, and the asphalt below him became a blur. Trees and houses rushed past him at incredible speeds, and he could not see where he was going because the wind blowing in his face was blinding him. The fear that gripped his insides was so great that he could not move. Everything in his body shut down except for his hands which were gripping the handlebars so tightly that they were going completely white.
Dennis had never been more terrified in his entire life.
After escaping serious injury and improving his status at school, Dennis had never once felt fear like that grip him again.
Dennis felt that same fear now swell up in him like a hot air balloon.
The house was breathing.
It was breathing. The house was moving up and down slowly, like a big, breathing monster.
Or a great breathing monstrosity. Realization hit Dennis in the face like a blow to the gut. Or to the face.
"Get out!" Dennis screamed at Leroy, grabbing his body and throwing him outside. He jumped out behind him, just as Fareem's house transformed into a giant moving monster. It swelled up to an enormous size, and the inside of it suddenly changed into a giant pit of green, pulsating vomit. All the furniture inside was swallowed by this green vomit, and the windows, door and chimney all disappeared to be replaced by a huge set of jagged teeth and enormous sharp claws. There was a giant noise that sounded like a million people all vomiting at the same time. Tiny eyes popped out of the top of its green, slimy body and two small legs squelched out from underneath it. Green slime dripped from its huge bulgy body, and it roared and jumped up and down, creating a small earthquake to Dennis, Argus and Leroy. They stumbled back to be greeted by the Great Monstrosity.
This illusion of transformation has widely been regarded as a good move by Forget. After a terrible opening, the player actually has to battle a giant boss that has disguised itself as a house.
Most of the company's budget was piled into this particular section of the game, and they did a pretty good job of it as well. Unfortunately, this also meant that most of the rest of the game was rather dull due to the lack of funds.
The Great Monstrosity roared. Green vomit rained out on the three heroes, and it smashed its sharp claws on the ground. It roared once again, and hurled a giant vomit ball at Dennis, who dived out of the way moments before it pummeled him into the ground. Then it roared and waved its claws in the air, exposing a giant hole in its stomach.
Dennis had an idea. The Great Monstrosity repeated this step again, this time aiming for Argus. He dived out of the way and actually walked up to it and sliced its giant hole while it was roaring. It screamed out in pain, and a health bar appeared above its head. A tiny amount of the health had been taken off by Argus' hit.
Dennis smiled to himself. As long as they followed this pattern, he reckoned that they could beat this thing in a few hits. So Dennis, Argus and Leroy followed this pattern until the monster had lost about half of its health. Then it changed its pattern into a frighteningly different one.
Remember before how I said that the commands for the game got scrambled and that the difficulty was extremely difficult in some places, but very easy in others? Well this is the case here. The Great Monstrosity is one of the only bosses in the game, so Forget wanted to make it at least a tough challenge.
Except that "tough" was closely related to impossible.
There was once a game called "Nightmare Run: Escape from Peril" which involved the main character running through the underworld, trying to escape from the dead. This was a very good game until the player reached the end and they had to battle past the keeper of the underworld, a great big flaming nightmarish creature with a giant slashing tail and fiery sword.
This boss has been classified as the hardest section of a game in the entire universe.
I'll explain it simply: the main character is equipped with a sword and a shield made from rock, and the boss is 5 times the size of the player, with a great slashing sword and swishing tail, and he can also breathe fire. It's health bar required 10 hits for it to be killed, and to get one hit was virtually impossible. The great boss was always moving, and one hit of its tail smashed half of the health from the player.
It was so hard that not even the creators could finish it. It was even more difficult than Penguin Fighter 3.
This game was classified "Unfinishable" by the authorities, and Dennis had once played it before. He had reached the boss and had also been unable to beat it, and he now had fleeting memories of it as he battled the Great Monstrosity.
It was definitely not as hard as "Nightmare Run: Escape From Peril" but it was damn hard anyway.
After its health had reached halfway, the Great Monstrosity reared up on its legs and charged at Leroy, who ducked out of the way. It turned around and produced 4 extra arms, and these arms began hurling vomit balls at the three heroes.
Then it began to run.
Around and around it ran, dizzying Dennis and making him wonder how on earth he was going to beat this thing. He did not want to go back to the checkpoint and do all this again, so he was determined to kill it and continue the quest. It stopped running and started jumping around while throwing vomit balls continuously. Argus tried to hit it and was smashed backwards by a giant ball of green monster puke.
Dennis ran over and healed Argus with one of his many elderberries. It stopped jumping, and began running again, making it impossible to see where it was going. Dennis cried inside. This was absolutely impossible. He stopped for a moment and tried to piece together a plan. He had an idea, but it was going to be difficult.
He had discovered that he could not get near it without getting smashed by vomit, so he figured that they had to throw things at it. He looked down at the sword in his hands, and called out to Argus.
"Hey! We've gotta throw our swords at it!" he screamed, as he dodged yet another vomit ball.
Leroy stopped and looked at him. "Good idea!" he yelled back, "I'll have a shot!" he grabbed his sword and threw it at the Great Monstrosity. It completely missed. Dennis groaned and began to run as well. At least he could see a bit better, and his target would be a bit easier to hit.
"I'll get it!" roared Argus, and hurled his golden sword at it.
It seemed to float through the air, and then it followed the Great Monstrosity as it ran. Like a homing missile, it honed in and sent itself straight through the great beast's head. It screamed and flailed its arms, sending more vomit balls crashing around Dennis. He glanced at its health bar and saw that it only had a quarter left. That meant one more throw from the golden sword would finish it off.
That was the key. That sword was somehow meant to kill this thing, and he needed to throw it again. The Great Monstrosity yanked the sword out of its head and began jumping again, and Dennis ran over towards the sword. He looked up as a giant vomit ball smashed him clear in the face. Although the puke ball was so big that it actually smashed him clear in his body, covering him in monster vomit.
It threw him backwards and he landed with a thud on the ground. Dazed and covered in green puke, he stumbled to his feet and got smashed by another ball of vomit. He tried to get up again, and the same thing happened.
He couldn't get up. The thing had him pinned as it ran around him. He prayed.
Dennis' assumption was actually wrong. Argus' golden sword was in no way intended to kill the Great Monstrosity, and it never had. The people at Forget just weren't that smart. Argus had thrown it in such a way that it split one of the programs in the matrix of the game, and the Great Monstrosity was like a magnet to it. Through a series of errors, the sword locked onto the Great Monstrosity and stabbed itself straight through its head. The errors then fixed themselves and the game classified the stabbing as two hits, taking off twice as much health, and greatly benefiting Dennis and the gang.
Dennis swallowed some vomit and it tasted like charred metal. It was sticky and was slowly trapping Dennis to the artificial floor, and the Great Monstrosity kept hurling vomit balls at him.
Through an enormous act of bravery and courage, Leroy ran over to the golden sword and picked it up. His hologramatic programming saw Dennis lying trapped on the ground, and it registered this as peril to the character. Through a series of commands and prompts, the matrix of Leroy's character ran over to the Great Monstrosity and threw the sword straight at it.
Because Leroy was being controlled by A.I, the sword was dead accurate and sailed straight through the monster's head. It roared out again and scrabbled at its face before smashing to the ground and disappearing in a flash of programming and a series of computer commands.
They had beaten the Great Monstrosity.
There is usually a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction when a person completes a job. Say, for example, you build a house on a beach, you should feel pride and satisfaction. Or say you complete a nasty essay for school, you should feel some sort of relief and you would probably congratulate yourself on a job well done. Or say you destroy a giant monster that hurls vomit balls at you, satisfaction is usually guaranteed.
But not for Dennis.
After being helped out of the vomit that was encasing him, he realized that he had been useless in that entire fight. Argus and Leroy had killed it, not him, and they were to thank.
He then realized that everything that Argus and Leroy did was programmed and was meant to happen. This meant that they could have beaten the Great Monstrosity on their own without this help. This saddened him slightly, and he turned to face his companions. Looking into their hard, computer like faces made him realize what an idiot he was for thinking that he was the main character in the game, and that he was the smart one. It was really the computer that was smart, not him, and his resentment towards the game made him feel ashamed to have been transported into it. He realized that Argus and Leroy were the true main characters and heroes, and he turned to thank them.
"Hey guys, good job out there, you did really well. Thanks a lot. I couldn't have survived without you two." He stared at the ground. Leroy's whiny voice shrilled in his ear.
"Yeah it was tough wasn't it! No matter, we beat it didn't we? Nice fighting Argus, and you to Dennis! We really showed him!" He laughed and fell over.
Argus laughed along with him. "We sure did Leroy, we sure did!" They continued to laugh until Argus told them to follow him, as they needed to find the real Fareem's house.
Remember how I said that Dennis would come to like this game eventually? Just thought I'd bring that up, because that was pretty much when his whole attitude towards the game changed entirely. In case you were wondering, that's all.
They continued on towards Fareem's house, and Argus and Leroy kept up their consistent chatter.
"Nice work Leroy! If we encounter any more foes, I'll know who to count on!" Argus said, clapping Leroy on the back.
"Yeah, but thanks to you and Dennis, we really showed him who was boss!" Leroy laughed, and Argus joined in. They continued on their merry way and Leroy began rolling jerkily around, while Argus seemed stuck on a particular note in his laugh.
Something was bothering Dennis. Something was gnawing at the back of his mind like a sander would sand a piece of wood, and he could not figure out why. He had a strange feeling that something was going to happen soon, and that it was going to be bad. He had no reason to think this, he just did. Something that Argus had said before had suddenly resurfaced and it didn't sound very pleasant, and Dennis knew that it was going to happen, and maybe very soon.
Dennis' mother was getting worried. She hadn't been able to find him all morning, and she'd looked everywhere. The last place she remembered him was in his room playing that new game he got today. Then he'd just disappeared. Just like that. She kept looking, unawares that he was actually on the way to a prophet's house to find a ring that would help him kill some aliens.
Another thought suddenly occurred to Dennis whilst they were travelling to Fareem's house. This country seemed to be stuck in the middle ages scenario, while aliens had evolved so much as to master space flight and build futuristic weapons. And where were the king and the other slaves getting the materials needed for a doomsday device? Dennis thought that it was pointless that the aliens would travel to another planet with equipment to build a laser device when they had the sufficient building matter required to build it themselves. And why hadn't the people of Camembile used this material before to upgrade their weapons? The whole logic of the game was in pieces, and Dennis didn't think that it would get any better.
The Morg castle was getting closer every hundred steps or so, and Fareem's house had just appeared on the crest of a hill ahead. It was just like the other house had been, simple and stereotypical.
"The real Fareem's house!" Argus cried and turned to Leroy. "I hope it isn't another monster again or we might be in trouble!"
Leroy attempted to look worried and succeeded to look even more terrible. "Hey yeah, that would be a problem wouldn't it? I don't think I could do it again, but I could certainly try!"
Dennis spoke to Argus. "So what was with that other house back there? That big monster thing. Why was it disguised as a house and how come it wanted to kill us? Seems a bit strange that some creature would want to kill us." He tripped on an invisible object and regained his step.
"Maybe the Morg's told the monster to kill us to stop us in our quest!" Argus laughed, and Leroy began walking jerkily, like a broken record would jump on a record player.
"The Morg's can do that?"
"Oh yes," replied Argus, looking vacantly towards the Morg castle, "they can do anything. They are from space you know, so they can do anything they want."
Dennis pondered this thought for a moment. "How would they have told the Great Monstrosity to do something like that? I wouldn't think that anything would be able to get near that thing."
"They have ways in which I do not know," replied Argus, still gazing towards the distance.
"You don't know?"
"Well why not? I thought you knew everything about these things."
"I do not know everything about the Morg aliens."
Dennis frowned. Argus should know things like this, he was the main hero. "I see. Well what do you know about them?"
Argus laughed. "Not much Dennis, not much. They are from space, and they are at war with a distant planet which they want to destroy. They came here and made our people slaves to their cause."
"Why did they pick your planet?"
"I don't know"
"Well what do they look like?"
"I don't know."
Dennis groaned. The main hero didn't even know what the enemy looked like. "So you don't know who you're actually fighting?"
"We will find out soon enough Dennis. Look, we have reached Fareem's house!" Argus ran to the door and opened it up. "Fareem!" he called. "Fareem, we are here!"
Dennis was right to be worried. When Argus had told him of the Underground, Dennis' mind had stored that information into a special section where things go when they don't know whether they should be forgotten or remembered.
The Underground had not had a particularly important role in the story so far, but that was all about to change.
You see, the Underground would be a frightening place, would be eerie and terrifying, and would be sinister and dark if it hadn't been made by Forget, and it hadn't been in Argus the Alien Slayer. It would have been a new and excellent complication in the story if Forget hadn't of made it, it would have put the player to the ultimate challenge if it weren't in Argus.
In other words: it was another screw up by Forget.
The Underground is a place in Camembile that houses scum, rebels and other troublemakers of the land. Escape is apparently impossible because it is guarded by some great monster that keeps everyone in the Underground in a state of perpetual pain and torment. This would have been really good and challenging if only it were made by someone with more brains than the people at Forget. So Dennis was right to be worried, because they would soon be taken deep into the Underground.
"I cannot give you the Holy Ring of Zaphos!" Fareem said in alarm, looking stupidly at Argus.
Fareem's house had just been like the other one, except cleaner and it wasn't a great, vomit-throwing monster. Fareem was an old man with a squarish robe with blocky sandals and a blurry face, which closely resembled every other character in the game. They had sat at a small table and Argus had explained their predicament to Fareem, and why they needed the ring.
"Why not?" Dennis asked Fareem, standing angrily to his feet.
"Because," replied Fareem, looking at Argus, "it belongs to me and me only. Zaphos entrusted this ring to me and I'm not going to give it to just any scallywag who walks in here!"
"But it's to save Camembile!" whined Leroy, "Don't you care about Camembile, Fareem?"
Fareem was silent for a moment. "As long as I am left alone, I am happy. Camembile can help itself."
"But that's what we're trying to do!" shouted Dennis impatiently. "We need this ring to help Camembile!" He began pacing around the small house. "I'm not coming this far to be denied by some old man with no life!" He walked over to the table and snatched the ring off it. "I'm taking this right now. Argus, Leroy, let's go!" He walked towards the door, but Fareem had begun to speak.
"You will not!" he shouted to Dennis, and stood up. "That ring is a part of Camembile's history and you will not steal it from me! Guards!"
All of a sudden, three tall men with shields and spears walked in through the front door and grabbed hold of Dennis, Argus and Leroy.
"Let me go!" Dennis yelled and began to beat his fists on the tough shield that the guard was holding. "We're just trying to save Camembile please let me go!" He struggled, but the guard had a strong hold on him. There was no way out.
Fareem spoke quietly. "Guards, take them to the Underground for the theft of valuable property!"
Dennis suddenly realized what it was that had been nagging at him before. The Underground. They were going to the Underground.
The story so far for those who have come in late: Dennis, our hero, gets a game, spills some pineapple juice, blacks out, wakes up in a computer game, battles some skeletons, saves his game, fights a giant vomit throwing monster, goes to find a special ring, and gets taken by guards to the Underground. For full details, see above.
The guards took the three heroes outside and a giant hole appeared in the ground. The guards laughed hideously, and threw them into the gaping hole. They fell for about five seconds before being greeted by a hard, stony floor that was the base of the Underground.
Dennis got up and looked around him. And laughed. The Underground was pathetic. It was a room the size of his lounge room with a door that was guarded by a small looking evil thing that resembled a housefly magnified by about fifty times. The walls looked like they were made of concrete, and the floor was the same. There were two other people in the room, who were standing still. One was a man with a long beard, and the other was a woman.
That's right, a woman. She was wearing a long, brown dress and she had long blonde hair which was braided. She had the same blocky, blurry look as everyone else, and for some enormously bizarre reason, she was holding a sword.
Argus walked over to her.
"Greetings!" he shouted at her, "My name is Argus and these are my friends Dennis and Leroy. We are trying to save Camembile from the evil Morg aliens but to do that, we need to be out of here! Is there anyway out?"
The woman laughed. "Well then, nice to meet you Argus! My name is Hilda Gruntlebeen and I was imprisoned here because I killed a man who attacked me in the forest one night. Oh, there is no way out, I have been in here for so long that I have tried every possible way of escape and none of them work. I'm sorry, there is no way out!"
Argus turned to Dennis and Leroy. "Oh no! Did you hear that? There's absolutely no way out of here! What will we do?"
"Who's that guy?" Dennis pointed to the bearded man.
"Oh that is Derrin, he's been in here for years," Hilda replied.
"How did he survive then? There's no food or water in here so how on Earth did he survive?" Dennis asked impatiently. This whole Underground junk was really getting to him.
Hilda was silent for a moment. Then she said: "Maybe you should talk to Derrin, he might help us get out of here!"
Dennis strode over to the enormous housefly that was guarding the entrance. "Let us out." He commanded. "I'm asking nicely so just let us out now."
The thing laughed. I think. Because it was a different creature, it was quite difficult to tell whether it was laughing or snarling. It laughed/snarled again. "There is no way out! I am Chewy Dragees, keeper of the Underground!" It hiccuped, then laughed/snarled again.
Chewy Dragees sounded awfully familiar to Dennis. He had sure that he had heard it before, but he wasn't quite sure where. He frowned in concentration for a moment trying to remember where he had heard it before.
The person who named everybody/thing in the game is a man called Carl Bongwipple, a university graduate who for some reason studied agricultural engineering for four years before working for Forget as the head Namer of Characters. He had been told to come up with a name for the guardian of the Underworld, and had been utterly, utterly stumped.
You see, Carl had this obsession for Mentos. Every day he would go through at least five or six packets of Mentos, eating any and every flavour that he could get. It was kind of like smoking, but not. After sitting up late one night trying to think of a name, he happened to look at the empty Mentos packet next to him, and noticed two words near the end of the packet. Chewy Dragees. Apparently that was what the actual Mentos lollies inside were called, and Carl decided to call his fearsome guardian Chewy Dragees, because he was tired and couldn't think of anything else.
He hoped no one would notice.
"Mentos!" Dennis cried out. "Mentos lollies are called chewy dragees! Oh God, that's pathetic!" He sighed. He rubbed his forehead in annoyance and spoke to Chewy again.
"Yeah I know, but you se the thing is, we didn't actually do anything wrong, and we are only trying to save Camembile, so, um, I think you should let us go."
Chewy growled/gurgled/guffawed and raised its claws/hands/bricks in the air. "There is no escape! You will be trapped in here forever! Aaaargh!"
"Right..." Replied Dennis, groaning and then walking over to Derrin. "So, Derrin," he said, "how do we get out of here?"
Derrin looked up at him. "I am old now, and my life is near an end. I know that there is absolutely no way out of here at all, whatsoever, so I'm going to help you escape."
Dennis frowned. "Okay...how?"
Derrin looked at Chewy Dragees. "I will lure the beast over to me, and while I am distracting him, you can door the run out!"
Dennis blinked. "Door the run out? What?"
"Yes!" replied Derrin. "Door the run out."
Dennis thought about this for a few moments. "Oh, I get it. You mean run out the door! I get you now! Okay old man, do your thing!"
Dennis stepped back and Derrin called out to Chewy Dragees. "Hey guys look! I found a way out! Quick, let's escape before that big ugly monster sees us!"
Chewy Dragees looked over at Derrin at and roared/sneezed before charging at him. As soon as he moved, Dennis, Leroy, Argus and Hilda ran out of the Underworld and back into the real world.
Derrin screamed out as Chewy Dragees jumped on him, and tore his artificial body apart.
Back on the land, Dennis looked at Argus. "How much further? I do not want another encounter like that again!"
Argus pointed to the distance where the Morg castle appeared from nowhere. "We are nearly there Dennis! Quick, let's go kill the Morg aliens!" He raised his sword in the air, ran forward, put the sword back down and started walking very slowly.
"Yeah, let's go!" yelled Leroy, and Hilda joined in as they repeated what Argus had just done.
Dennis sighed. "Okay..." he muttered to himself, and walked off after them.
And so we welcome to the story the new main character Hilda Gruntlebeen! All hail her extremely short time with the heroes, and her enormous role in the twist in this story! Oh yes, Hilda has a dark and terrible secret that nobody knows, and all will be revealed when the twist gets thrown in your face like a cream pie would get thrown at a particularly pathetic clown. Hold your horses, not long left now.
The group was silent as they walked. The Morg castle was getting closer each step they took, but the rest of the landscape always stayed the same. Dennis had some time to ponder the mysteries of Argus the Alien Slayer.
He had to kill aliens, with some magical sword and a ring. He had so far encountered a vicious rabbit, a ton of skeletons, a rickety wooden bridge over lava, death, more skeletons and a bear, a strange vomit throwing house, an old, stubborn man, a strange ring and finally, the Underground.
What a day.
Dennis had begun to enjoy himself more recently though. He decided to laugh at the game's faults, and not to scowl at them, which up until recently he had. This had improved his mood quite considerably, and he was having a small amount of fun. As they walked, Dennis wondered what kind of things they would encounter next, and whether he would be able to leave the game.
Argus was thinking of killing the Morg aliens.
Leroy was thinking about how great the colours of his clothes were.
Hilda was sleeping. While she walked.
Gorgonjimp appeared, and Dennis jumped back in surprise.
"Congratulations!" Gorgonjimp said to Dennis, "You have made it into the last stages of the game! Before you can encounter the Morg aliens however, you will need a key to get into the Head Throne room. Here is the key." He threw a small, gold key to Dennis.
"Good luck!" he said, and promptly disappeared.
"Great!" said Argus, turning to Dennis. "Now we are set to battle the evil Morg aliens! Come on, we're nearly there!"
Leroy tried to look scared. "Oh but what if we can't kill the Morg aliens Argus? What will we do then?"
Hilda apparently woke up at this point. "Then we will kill them!" she screamed and ran off towards the Morg castle which was now very close.
"Hurrah!" cried Argus and Leroy in unison, and ran off after her.
Dennis sighed and walked after them.
Worry is a particular emotion we often get when we are concerned and stressed, sad, nervous, anxious, tired, and so on and so forth. Dennis' mother was getting worried. Over the past half an hour, she had been concerned and worried about the whereabouts of her son. She had searched the entire house and backyard many times, with no luck.
For the hundredth time that morning (it was actually the 87th time, but no one's counting here), she went up to Dennis' bedroom, and looked around again. She finally saw the juice spilled all over the keyboard, and so she finally cleaned it up. Looking around the room again (but not at the computer) she went downstairs and decided to bake some chocolate cookies to pass the time.
A strange jolt went through Dennis. He stopped walking and looked around him. It was the same shock that he felt when he got propelled into Argus the Alien Slayer, except there was no blue light. He shook his head and kept walking.
Debates have been going on for years on how Argus the Alien Slayer was originally created, and by whom. After countless, fruitless attempts of finding this information, a small, timid man called Finnigan McIrish finally found the original idea creator.
His name was Barry Pork, fresh out of computer school, or whatever it's called.
He was hired at Forget, and the first day on the job, he spoke to the company director on his ideas about his perfect game.
The conversation went something like this:
Director (who shall remain nameless, for religious reasons): Hey Barry, great to have you on board. I hope that you can contribute to this company as much as everyone else has here. Now...
Barry: Hey Director, my old stringbean, I've got this totally wicked idea for the greatest game ever! Check this out: aliens invade some magical land, and the main character has to kill the evil alien overlord to save this magical land! Great, huh?
Director: Uh, I see, that's great Barry, but can I just...
Barry: Yeah, isn't it great? I mean it's the greatest idea ever, and it's so simple! I mean, aliens and magical land! Brilliant! Whaddya say, my old fiddle breaker?
Director: Well, we actually have a project that we are thinking of doing and...
Barry: Well scrap it! Come on my old sugar cube, this is gonna be a big hit! Just give it a chance, my old horse cruncher, come on!
Director: Okay, okay, I'll put a word in for your game at the next meeting.
Barry: Yeah make sure you make it the most totally awesome and far out wicked game ever, coz this baby's the bomb!
Director: Yes, okay I will.
Barry: Thanks champ! It'll be a big hit I swear, or my name isn't Barry Pork!
Director: Well we'll see about that...
The total and complete bankruptcy of Forget has frequently been blamed on Barry Pork, and for good reason. No one really knows where Barry is now, but some people claim that he now hosts a breakfast show somewhere in the Middle Ages.
Dennis looked at the Holy Ring of Zaphos. It was gold, small and round, much like the ring out of Lord of the Rings. He put it on his right ring finger and held up his hand. A small blue glow appeared around Dennis at that point, and so Dennis realised what the ring was for. He was now protected by a small forcefield that surrounded him, which was rather cool actually.
At this point, Argus turned to him. "Thankyou for helping us so far Dennis! But we cannot go into the Morg castle yet. You see, there is a small village in the Incredibly Dark and Scary Woods just to the north of here, and in this village are some very good friends of mine. I have a hunch that this village survived the attack, and we must make sure that is safe. Will you come with me Dennis?"
Dennis gaped at Argus. "Are you kidding? We're at the Morg castle! We're at the end! This is our chance to save the world and you want to go off into a forest? Why can't we do that afterwards, you know, when we've already saved the world?"
"No, we must see if the village survived Dennis, now let's go." Argus' voice was very stern and strict, and Dennis suddenly remembered where he stood in this game.
"Fine," he sighed, "so where is this village anyway?"
Argus pointed to the east of the Morg castle where, lo and behold, there was a forest.
"We must venture into the forest now and see if the village survived! Let's go!" The band of warriors headed off into the forest, unaware of how boring it was going to be.
When Argus the Alien Slayer had been made, the developers played it to see if it was good or not. They decided that it wasn't very good at all, and that it was far too short. They finished the game in about twenty minutes and that was it. There was nothing else, just the main game which didn't go for long at all. And it was easy.
The solution: they threw in a forest to make the game longer. Of course, this was quite a good move until the developing team actually made this bit in the game. They had tons of enemies and a forest area which took nearly 4 hours to walk from one side to the other. The forest was basically trees for miles and miles, and they were spaced apart at huge intervals. It was actually more like a valley with trees, rather than a forest. After they made this section of the game, they concluded that it was terrible, but no one could be bothered to do it all over again, so they left it.
It's just too bad for Dennis that the village happened to be on the other side of the forest.
They entered the forest and began to walk in silence, until Argus told Dennis where to go. He pointed vaguely in the direction ahead of them, and kept looking the other way.
"The village is that way," he said, lowering his hand, "but we must be careful. These woods are large and littered with enemies. Make sure that your sword is equipped and we will be safe."
Dennis looked around at the forest. The trees were rather small and they were your typical trees, except they looked dull and not real at all. There was some sunlight coming in through the tops of the trees, but this also looked terrible. The ground was a flat piece of green sheet, with no indication that it was grass at all, and there was nothing else except for trees which stretched for miles and miles.
The party ventured forth for a very long time, until a rabbit appeared. This rabbit was different though, mainly because it was green. Apparently it was a poisoned rabbit, and if you touched it, you wold get poisoned also. Dennis wasn't really in the mood to get poisoned at this point, so he killed the rabbit and the travellers kept, well, travelling.
They walked for a very long time, encountering more rabbits and an enormous number of strange looking wolves who attempted to eat Dennis and the gang. After they had been walking for an even longer period of time, the sky suddenly turned dark and got covered in tiny white dots, indicating that it was night. Argus told the crew that they would make camp there for the night, even though that had no camping equipment. Luckily, there happened to be a pile of firewood situated conveniently in a large open area, and it was burning. Argus sat down and the rest followed suit.
The fire was also terrible. It looked like orange cellophane paper blowing in the wind, and it wasn't even hot, but Argus, Leroy and Hilda and snuggled closer to it to get warm.
Dennis decided he was warm enough, and sat back from the fire.
They all sat in silence for a while until Hilda spoke, asking what they were trying to do anyway.
"Well," replied Argus, "we are trying to stop the Morg aliens from building their doomsday weapon and we are also trying to free the king and the people from the Morg's evil tyranny."
"Well, why do they need a doomsday device for?" asked Hilda, rubbing her hands for warmth.
"They are going to shoot it at a distant planet in the hopes of destroying it."
"But why are they doing this?"
"I don't know."
Dennis laughed quietly to himself. He had heard that before. Hilda then turned to Leroy.
"So why are you here Leroy? You don't seem the adventure type."
"Yeah I do!" whined Leroy, "I'm a big adventurer, and I came to help Argus and Dennis kill the Morg aliens and help free the king and the people of Camembile!"
"Well you've done a very good job so far Leroy," laughed Hilda, who then turned to Dennis. "And why are you here Dennis?"
Dennis looked at Hilda. That had been the first time that someone had asked him that, and it was the first time he had thought about it. He had no idea as to why he was there, he had just assumed that it was by some freak phenomenon that he was now in a computer game. He had not even considered that this may be more than just a freak occurrence - it may have even been his destiny.
"Um," he began, "well, I guess I'm here to stop the Morg aliens and help the people of Camembile. Oh and to help Argus and Leroy here get rid of all possible threats so that they can continue their lives in a computer simulated world."
Hilda smiled at him. "That sounds very nice, Dennis." She looked back at the fire and they all sat in silence for a moment longer and then the sky turned blue, and the fire abruptly went out. Argus, Leroy and Hilda stood up.
"Well, time to go and rescue the village then!" said Argus, and the party continued walking towards the village that would have no impact at all on the story.
The game developers at Forget were stumped with story ideas when they put in the whole forest bit. They had made it and everything, but they didn't really have a plausible explanation for why Argus wanted to see the village, how it had survived, and what would happen when they found it. They decided in the end that they would just have this small village with some people in it whom Argus knew, and then they would venture back to the Morg castle to finish the game.
It was terrible, but they really had no ideas. Seeing as thought they were quite a large gaming company, maybe they should have thought a bit more carefully about the storyline and script before they released Argus, but, for some reason, they didn't.
Dennis stopped walking, and doubled over, gasping for air. They had been walking for so long that he did not even know what they were doing here in the first place. He glanced up to see Argus, Leroy and Hilda all walking normally ahead of him, while he lay behind them, dying of exhaustion.
He was getting really fed up with this village thing. He got up and heard Argus say something ahead of him. He limped to catch up to them.
"We have found the village!" proclaimed Argus, and they walked out into an open area where there was a village that reminded Dennis of the town from the beginning, Grath.
It was. The people at Forget could not be bothered to make a new village, so they just cut out Grath and threw it into this section of the game.
Argus walked over to a man standing outside a house. "Hello Gorkboganberry!" he called, and Gorkboganberry looked up and laughed as Argus neared him.
"Well if it isn't Argus the Alien Slayer!" he replied, and they both laughed together.
"Yep, that's me!" replied Argus. "So how is your village going?"
"We survived when the Morg aliens attacked us and have been living our normal existence for a while now. Thanks for stopping by Argus!" Gorkboganberry waved as Argus, Leroy and Hilda all turned around and walked back into the forest.
Dennis stood there for a moment, seething with anger. They had been walking for an immeasurable amount of time through a huge forest to find a stupid village that was a replica of a town from the beginning of the game, only to find it and then walk back the other way. He clenched his fists, then unclenched them, breathing slowly through his teeth.
It will all be over soon, he told himself, and turned around to follow the others back into the forest.
Remember that twist I told you about? Well, the guys at Forget didn't even realise that they were going to have a twist in the game until the day before it was released. When they were making the final touches on it, some genius came up with an idea so incredibly smart and unbelievable that it would have been the greatest twist ever in any story ever written.
But since they had virtually no time to do this, they had to make do with a slightly less exciting and unbelievable twist that will make itself clear when Dennis and the gang are finally in the Throne Room of the Morg Castle.
I won't tell you what the other twist was so that you can use your imagination. When you think of an even better twist, substitute that for the current twist and you are likely to find that it is a far more enjoyable storyline.
They had been walking for a long time once again when, all of a sudden, the sky turned dark, and it was nighttime. There was another fire positioned conveniently nearby, so the band of travellers sat down and warmed their hands. They sat in silence until it appeared that Argus, Leroy and Hilda had all fallen asleep. They were sitting upright, but their eyes were closed and they were not moving or making a sound. Dennis decided that he was rather tired and decided to also have a sleep. He lay down, and he drifted off to sleep, unawares of the challenge that was about to come.
For any last late comers, the story goes as follows: Dennis, our hero, gets a game, spills some pineapple juice, blacks out, wakes up in a computer game, battles some skeletons, saves his game, fights a giant vomit throwing monster, goes to find a special ring, gets taken by guards to the Underground, escapes from the Underground, reaches the Morg castle, goes off into a forest to find a village and sleeps. The actual story itself is quite interesting, and I suggest that you read it one time.
Dennis awoke, and rubbed his hair. He got up to see that Argus, Leroy and Hilda were gone. He mumbled something to himself and followed the path out of the forest.
He walked for a long time, until he finally saw the Morg castle on the horizon. Silently thanking the Lord, he ran for the rest of the way and found Argus, Leroy and Hilda all standing outside the Morg castle, apparently waiting for him.
When he finally reached them, Argus turned to the others.
"Before we go in, I just wanted to say that I really appreciate all of you helping me to stop the evil aliens. I know we have had rather a difficult adventure, but I knew that we could do it from the start. So I just want to say thankyou, especially to you, Dennis." He turned and looked at Dennis, and smiled. Dennis had never seen Argus smile, and he could not help smiling himself. Ignoring his anger from the trip in the woods, he smiled back at Argus.
"No sweat," he said, "but I think it's time we killed some aliens!" Leroy cried out in agreement, and Argus laughed.
"You're right Dennis! We are here now, and now we can finally do what we came to do! Let's go save the king and get rid of those aliens once and for all!" They all cheered and Argus once again turned to Dennis. "Make sure that your sword is equipped Dennis, and we will enter the Morg castle."
He crept forward silently and opened the big, front door of the Morg castle.
Dennis, Leroy and Hilda snuck forward and followed Argus into the castle.
Another thought occurred to Dennis. There wasn't really much to the story, and aside from the main game, there was nothing else. Dennis highly doubted that anyone would play it again once they'd finished it, and he was right. No one would.
You see, the guys at Forget wanted to make Argus this huge, open-ended game with a gigantic storyline and long, intriguing exploration opportunities. They really wanted to make a game like that, but the developers were pressed for time, and to be frank, they couldn't be stuffed. So they just threw a bunch of ideas together, added a few characters and some dialogue and called it a day.
The party crept into the Morg castle and looked around them. It was your typical castle: grey walls made from slabs of concrete, dripping water, no light and a set of stairs leading up to the top of the castle. It was a drab and eerie place that wouldn't be such a great hit if you threw a dinner party there. At that point, a small, strange looking creature with a sword and shield spotted them, called out and ran towards them.
"Oh no!" whined Leroy, "The Morg's have seen us! Quick, kill him!" Dennis ran up and smashed his sword onto the creature's shield, which broke in two and fell to the ground. The creature raised its sword and swung it at Dennis who dodged out of the way and smashed the creature to pieces. Another one ran down the stairs, and Dennis ran to greet it, and then to kill it.
The Morg aliens were an interesting breed of computer enemies. They were quite short, with green skin, they had spiky hair covering an oval shaped head with normal human characteristics, two skinny arms and two smaller legs and they all carried a sword and shield. They were actually based on humans, except that the people at Forget wanted it to not seem like that, so they threw in the green skin, which doesn't really work.
Dennis killed a few more aliens, and began to run up the stairs. The others followed him, and together they ran to the top of the Morg castle to be greeted by a big, wooden door. Dennis grabbed the key that Gorgonjimp had given him and put it in the lock. There was a click, and the key disappeared. Dennis swung the door open and entered the Throne Room.
The Throne Room was indeed the only room in the entire castle, but Dennis didn't know this, and he didn't really care either. The foursome ran into the room, and there on a pedestal was the Sword of Camembile. Dennis ran over and picked it up.
It was the same as the sword he was already holding, except that it had Sword of Camembile written on the handle. Dennis shrugged and held it up. It shone, and golden light spread out over the four heroes. At that point the Morg king walked into the room.
The Morg king laughed. Dennis turned to see that it looked like a normal Morg alien, except that it was bigger and had two more arms, each carrying a sword. It laughed again and smiled wickedly at Dennis.
"So," it growled, "you have come here to kill me and save your king!" It laughed again. "That is impossible! Nothing will stop me from completing my weapon, and no one will stop me using your king and people as slaves!" It laughed once more. "Now you DIE!" It roared, and charged at Dennis. He ducked out of the way and spun around, swinging his sword in the hopes of hitting the Morg king. He heard steel on steel, and saw that the Morg king had swung at him at the same time. Dennis got thrown back by the shock and slammed against one of the Throne Room walls.
Argus ran up and tried to hit it, and the same thing happened. Hilda ran over to Dennis who was lying dazed after the throw, and picked up the Sword of Camembile. She ran over to the Morg king and swung the sword right at its face. The sword clanged against the Morg king's sword, but this time, it was the alien that got thrown backwards and went crashing through a window. As it went though, it grabbed onto the ledge of the window and struggled to stay up.
Dennis got up and rubbed his aching head. He ran over to Hilda and grabbed the sword off her.
"Thanks a lot Hilda," he said, "but I have to finish this!" He ran over to the window and swung the sword as hard as he could onto the alien's fingers. It screamed out in pain, and fell through the air until it was greeted by the hard, artificial grass that caused it to disappear in a puff of smoke.
Dennis laughed. He couldn't believe it. They had done it. They had beaten the Morg king! He dropped the sword and turned around. Argus got up and walked over to Dennis.
"Well done Dennis!" he laughed, "You have beaten the Morg king! The people and king are saved, and it's all thanks to you!" He ran up and hugged Dennis.
And now for the twist.
"Don't be so sure!" roared Hilda, and through an incredible act of transformation, turned into a Morg alien. Realization hit Dennis in the face, just as it had in the fake Fareem's house.
There was no Morg king. There was a Morg queen, and Hilda was the queen.
He gaped. He couldn't believe it.
Hilda laughed and four swords appeared in her hands. She grew to an incredible height and roared.
"Ha! You thought that was your toughest opponent? Well you thought wrong!" She laughed again, and swung her sword down, chopping Leroy in half.
Remember how I said that Leroy would die? Well, that's it for Leroy now. The sword that Hilda was carrying was so strong that it completely sliced through him, killing him instantly.
Dennis cried out and ran forward towards Leroy. Argus did the same, and tried to hit Hilda. She laughed and smashed him with her fist, sending him into the wall again.
Dennis picked up Leroy's body and found himself crying. He did not want Leroy to die. He hated him, but just because he was an annoying idiot with no fashion sense didn't mean that he deserved death. He cried out in rage and ran over to the Sword of Camembile. Using the strength of revenge (and the hope that was now being pumped into him from the sword) he ran up to Hilda and swung the sword as hard as he could. Hilda swung at the same time, but this time no one got thrown anywhere.
The Sword of Camembile sliced straight through Hilda's sword, and swung straight into her stomach. She cried out in pain and bent forward. Dennis then swung the sword up over his head and brought it crashing down onto her neck. He head came off in one swift move.
He stood up, panting. Then he dropped the sword, and fell to the ground. He was exhausted. He had used up all his energy, and now he felt very tired.
Argus stood up and walked over to Dennis. He knelt down and patted Dennis on the head.
"We did all that we could Dennis. I'm sorry. Leroy will always be remembered in our hearts. But at least we stopped the aliens, didn't we? And in the end, isn't that all that matters?"
Dennis stood up. "Yeah I guess," he said softly, "but there's one thing I still don't understand. How come I was able to slice through Hilda's sword? If it didn't work against the other alien, why did it work with Hilda?"
Argus smiled. "Because you used it with love. You loved Leroy so much that your anger was created from the sadness that you felt from Leroy's death. In short, you used the anger of friendship to defeat evil. That's why you killed Hilda."
Dennis nearly pointed out that he didn't love Leroy that much, but realised that this was a sacred moment for him and Argus.
"You know what Argus? I think you're right."
Argus looked out of the window. "Look!" he called. They both ran out over to the window to see spaceships flying up into space. One spaceship flew over to the window to where Dennis and Argus were standing. When it arrived, a small flap opened up and a Morg alien appeared. It seemed to be sad.
"You have killed our queen," it said, "and we are sad for the loss. But without her, we can no longer work on our doomsday device. We will leave you planet now, and promise to never return." The flap closed and the spaceship flew up into space, and then all the aliens were gone.
Argus smiled. "Now all we need to do is destroy the doomsday device," he said, and they both walked downstairs and out of the castle.
With the doomsday device now in ruins, Dennis knew that the game was over. The people were cheering and the king had given Dennis and Argus a special medal for their brave efforts. Dennis was waving to the people when Gorgonjimp appeared in front of him.
"Well done!" he yelled, raising his hands, "You have successfully defeated the Morg aliens and saved the king and its people! You have now completed Argus the Alien Slayer! Thankyou for playing, and remember, this was a game made by Forget Gaming Corporation!" Then he disappeared.
Dennis turned to Argus, feeling a little sad. "Well, we did it friend," he said and held out his hand.
Argus smiled back at Dennis. "We sure did, Dennis, we sure did." He held out his hand and they both shook each other's hand.
As soon as Dennis touched Argus, the strange blue light appeared again, and it traveled up Dennis' arm. He felt the same sensation as he had before, and his knees were becoming weak. As his vision started to fade, he heard Argus for the last time.
"Thank you," he said, "Thank you." Then he blacked out.
Dennis felt an immense throb in his head. He rolled around for a bit, and then got up. He shook his aching head and looked around him.
He was in his room. It took him a moment to realise what he was doing there, and then he jumped up and down with joy. He had done it! He had finished the game! Still rubbing his aching head, he walked over to the computer and looked at the screen. On it, there were lots of people cheering, and he could see Argus waving at him. Up the top it said: You have completed Argus the Alien Slayer! Thank you for playing!
Dennis smiled to himself. He turned off the computer and walked downstairs, back into the real world.
So there you have it. The amazing tale of Dennis and his experience in Argus the Alien Slayer. Through this incredible journey, Dennis has encountered many unusual and strange things, and overall, he had a pretty good time. For any of those people who like to read the end of the book first, the story pretty much goes as follows: Dennis, our hero, gets a game, spills some pineapple juice, blacks out, wakes up in a computer game, battles some skeletons, saves his game, fights a giant vomit throwing monster, goes to find a special ring, gets taken by guards to the Underground, escapes from the Underground, reaches the Morg castle, goes off into a forest to find a village, sleeps, kills some Morg aliens, gets the Sword of Camembile, kills the Morg king, watches as Leroy dies, kills Hilda, gets a medal from the king of Camebile and returns back to the real world. If at any time you feel the need to read the actual details of these happenings, feel free to read it from the start.
Every story has a moral at the end. Little did they know, but the creators actually made a moral ending to Argus without realising it, and that moral was:
A bad game can also be fun, no matter how bad it is. You just have to search for the joy in the game, because it is always there. Use your imagination, and ANYTHING is fun.