Sorry seems to be the hardest word.
I began to lose hope we ever will and tried to get used to the harsh reality.
I guess it was my stubbornness that kept me away from him, I could just end it by approaching to him first, and there were some times I had to physically restrain myself from doing just that.
But I had nothing to apologize for, he was the one to say these horrible things, I just tried to help him.
"Skyler take these to the comics section", Mikey handed me a huge pile of new comics he took out of a big brown box.
I often helped Mikey around the store. I was the unofficial employee, meaning I did everything he asked without getting the pay check.
I knew Gerard would be there, I saw him walk in earlier, "I'm busy".
"Doing what?", Mikey smirked, placing his hands on his hips.
"Umm, coding the new merch we got", I pointed to the boxes, standing in the far left corner.
"I saw Gerard going to the coffee stand earlier, he wouldn't be in the comics section", sighed Mikey.
I hesitated, I rather really code the merch and not face Gerard.
"Really, he's not there", Mikey spotted my doubt.
"Fine", I took the comics and walked to the comics section, trying to spot Gerard and not trip at the same time.
I rested the pile on the small ladder we used to reach for the higher shelves and spotted Gerard sitting on the floor in our usual place, sipping coffee and reading comics. Fuck Mikey.
He looked up, our gazes collided for a split second and he returned his to his comic.
I sighed quitley and started placing the comics in their place, it took me 20 minutes which passed in stressed silence.
I placed the last comic on the shelf above Gerard's head and turned to leave.
"Skyler", I heard Gerard's hoarse whisper as if he didn't use his voice for a while.
My heart beat like crazy to the point I feared it was audible, I turned around to face him hoping it wasn't my mind playing tricks on me.
He sat looking at me, smiling faintly.
I stepped closer and wished my heart would shut up.
Gerard motioned to the spot near him where I used to sit not so long ago. I obaid and sat there.
He was quite for a while, I could tell it was hard for him.
"I'm sorry for everything I've said. I'm an ass. A jealous ass. I know you wanted to be a good friend and I screwed it up. I'm so sorry", he said without looking at me.
I swear my only wish was to hug him tight and never let go.
"I was really jealous that you spend all your time with Mikey and don't ever notice me. I was angry at myself for letting you see how pathetic I was. Angry at myself for not being better and successful and wonderful and not winning you over, and I took it out on you", he still avoided my eyes.
He hung his head sadly and breathed out, I thought he's going to say something else but he just looked down at his hands.
I smiled, "And I'm sorry for throwing that book at you".
He jerked his head, making his hair fall down on his eyes. I brushed it away, that wasn't my intention at all but my hand developed a mind of it's own and just did it.
He smiled too, "I know I deserved it but honestly you throw like a girl".
I melted. One smile wiped all the awful words and the past three months away.
"I was angrier at myself than at you but took it out on you instead", he leaned closer, examining my eyes, my heart threatened to jump out of my rib cage, run to the street and fly itself to the moon.
I'm about to get my first kiss!.
Well, not my first, my first was actually with Frankie in the 4th grade during a game of truth or dare. We saw a movie where a couple kissed and that was our only knowledge about kissing so, we stuck our tongues in each others throat and wriggled them, it was so disgusting and slimey I almost gaged.
We were so embarrassed after it, we avoided each other for years. I believe it's the reason why I still can't be as comfortable with him as I'm with the other guys.
Gerard leaned even closer holding my cheek, his hand was warm thanks to the coffee he was holding earlier.
I leaned too, closing my eyes and hoping my kissing skills got better since the 4th grade.
I felt his soft lips on mine, millions stupid things ran through my mind, Does my breath smell okay?, Can he taste my chapstick?, Can someone see us?, Am I a good kisser?, Can he tell I have zero experience?.
And it ended.
We parted, I was disappointed.
My first kiss and I was so busy worrying about it I didn't even had enough time to enjoy it. What would I tell my kids when they ask about my first kiss? I was busy wondering whether he could taste my chapstick or not?. That wouldn't do.
I looked at Gerard who was smiling now, still holding my face in his palms. I pulled him for another kiss.
This time I've put all my stupid worries aside and melted in his mouth, I was sure that if I wasn't sitting I would fall over.
His lips were soft and gentle and warm and moist.
It was amazing.
It was biblical.
And it was interrupted by Mikey.
"Get a room!", Mikey cried.
We parted, smiling shyly at each other and then at him, "I'm blind!", he covered his eyes and escaped.
"So how long have you..", I trailed off, blushing.
Gerard understood what I meant, "For a few years now".
My jaw dropped, "Why haven't you said anything? I had no idea!".
He nodded, "When could I? You and Mikey were attached by the hip".
I eyed him, "You had plenty of opportunities, even that day at the park when I cried all over you. You should've said something!".
"I'm lame", Gerard admitted laughing, "But see, that is part of why I was so angry with you, I thought I was giving you hints and practically telling you I'm head over heals but you ignored it because you're not interested. It took me 3 months of pure torture and Mikey telling me I'm an asshole and that you have no idea about my feelings because you're idiot as well and thick when it comes to taking a hint".
"He said I'm thick??", I pouted.
"That's not the point", Gerard rolled his eyes, letting go of my cheek.
"You're creepy, you have a crush on a younger girl. You're one old weird dude", I said laughing.
It was a strange thing to say and I didn't mean it but when I'm embarrassed I tend to say stupid things.
He studied my face to see whether it was my way of joking or not.
I was panicking, how do I let him know I care for him too without being too mushy?!.
"I was kinda..too..a long time..but..didn't think you're...um...interested", I murmured quietly looking away.
Gerard took my chin in his hand, forcing me to look at him and then kissed my lips again.
I smiled in his mouth.
I knew that before I get my happy ending there's something I must get out of the way.
I didn't want to do it now and risk replaying the scream fest we had the last time I brought up this topic, but I had to do this now.
"Gerard?", I said softly resting my head on his shoulder.
He nodded without a sound.
"I don't want you to drink anymore", the minute I let this phrase escape my lips I felt his whole body tense.
I like to kick my own ass or what?!
I lifted my head and stared him in the eyes, "Please don't do it anymore. If you're feeling bad, talk to to me or to Mikey or the other guys. I swear we'll do anything in our human power to help".
"Sometimes it takes more than human power", he said quietly, looking back.
"Please Gerard, Swear you won't do it anymore", I practically pleaded, "It's just so hard to know you're hurt so much that drink is the only way to stop it. Let us help. Let us in".
He smiled, "I will. I let you in long ago, you just weren't aware of that yet".
I blushed so hard it felt like my face was caught on fire and looked down again, "I'm always there for you, anytime you want to drink just know you have someone to talk to. And in case I'm grounded you have Mikey", I smirked.
he put his hand on my hand which rested on the wooden floor and kissed me again.
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