Categories > Books > Harry Potter

The Giant Laughed, the Centaur Cried

by DrT 13 reviews

A very silly one-shot, as Remus tells the story of how Harry and Ginny got engaged at Harry's Bachelor Party.

Category: Harry Potter - Rating: R - Genres: Humor - Characters: Bill Weasley, Colin Creevey, Dean Thomas, Fred, George, Ginny, Harry, Lupin, Neville, Ron, Seamus Finnigan - Warnings: [!!] - Published: 2007-05-12 - Updated: 2007-05-12 - 925 words - Complete

5Funny
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters, ideas, and situations created by JK Rowling and owned by her and her publishers. I own the original elements & characters. No money is being made by me, and no trademark or copyright infringement is intended.

The boys were whooping it up in the back room of the Leaky Cauldron -- all the Weasley brothers, Remus, Neville, Seamus, Dean, Colin, and the guest of honor, Harry Potter, groom-to-be of Ginny Weasley.

It was just a few days before the wedding, just a few weeks after Ginny had left Hogwarts -- and incidently just a few more weeks since Harry had destroyed Voldemort, along with most of the Death Eaters. A few of the stupider and more-bigoted members of the Ministry had made noises about punishing Harry for the last part. Percy had, in Ron's words, unstuck his head from the Minister's arse long enough to clue Ginny in, as Ginny had already declared her firm intention to marry Harry. Ginny had in turn told Harry.

Harry had visited the Ministry.

Only Hermione, and to a lesser extent Ron, had realized exactly how powerful Harry had become over the previous year. Magical power is not really measurable, but if it were, there was no doubt that Harry would have the world's record for the previous 800 to 1200 years, and the European record back to Merlin.

After a slight display of power, the Ministry curs had backed down like runt Chihuahuas confronted by an alpha timber wolf.

"Say, Harry," Dean suddenly said as he passed the next round of fire whiskey around, "I was with you when you talked the spiders into joining up."

"And thank you again for that, Dean," Ron said somberly (as he was a very somber-sounding drunk). "I hate spiders."

"And I was there to help Harry-boy when he talked to the dragons," Charlie put in. He was still impressed by Harry being the first dragon talker in 600 years.

"I wish I had known it was that easy during the Twiwizard," Harry grumbled, changing his supposedly tamper-proof fire whiskey into warm tea and tossing it back.

"And of course I helped negotiate with the goblins," Bill said proudly. The goblins rather liked Harry, which sometimes made him nervous, as Bill claimed that all goblins were actually female, and that they mated with other magical humanoids, although their children were always goblins. "And Fleur helped him meet and get that agreement with the veela."

"Yes, yes," Seamus said. "And I helped with the leprechauns, Prof . . . I mean Remus here helped with the werewolves, and that cute girl that hung about with Loony last winter turned out to be a vampire, and they helped Harry get the agreement with the vampires. So, what's the question, Dean?"

"How did you get that pod of giants that had invaded the forest and the herd of centaurs to stop feuding and side with you?" Dean demanded.

"Yeah!" Fred declaimed, and then started hiccoughing.

"All we know is that you and Remus went into the forest, with Ginny sneaking behind you in your invisibility cloak," Colin said.

"And you came out with their allegiance, and were engaged to Gin-Gin," George added in an accusatory whine.

"All I can say," Harry started, but the entire group took up the chant, the only answer Harry had ever given:

"They laughed, they cried, they backed away and gave in to my request," they managed to say.

"Oh, hell," Remus said, "I'm going to tell 'em, unless you silence me."

Harry surveyed the table. Remus was the closest one to sober, other than Harry. Neville, in fact, was already on the floor, giggling in his sleep. "I don't think they're drunk enough."

"You're right," Remus agreed. He stood slowly and was back with a quadruple round a few minutes later. He placed the drinks around.

"This must be one hell of a story," Seamus said.

"Drink one!" Remus commanded.

The group lifted their first glass and drank -- and now George and Percy joined Fred with the hiccoughs.

"Well, we found the giants and centaurs in a big clearing, shouting at each other, because they each wanted territory. Harry argued with them, but although they listened, they weren't convinced. He showed them he had more magic than thy had ever heard of, and they still argued."

Remus raised the second glass (their sixth for the night) said, "Finally, somewhat disgusted, Harry said, 'I showed them all my magic. What do I have to, show 'em I have a bigger dick, too'?"

The group found that hysterical and burst out laughing.

"And that's why the giants and the centaurs laughed," Harry said.

"Anyway, then Harry opened his robe, and showed them that yes, he does have a dick bigger than any giant or centaur."

The group went silent, stunned. They then each grabbed their second drink of the round and shot it back, except for Colin. He drank of all of his shots, and passed out to dream the impossible dream.

"And that's why the centaurs and the giants cried," Harry said.

"Then Harry said," Remus continued, picking up the third drink -- an action mimiced by the others -- "'now which wand do you want me to use on you'?" Down went the third drink.

"And that's when they all backed away, their hands covering their arses, and they gave in," Harry said, picking up the fourth drink.

"And that's when Ginny appeared and proposed to Harry," Remus said.

The Weasleys, Seamus, and Dean drank down their last drink, and each passed out.
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