Konoha's finest get high.
Thus, Mondays are for Shikamaru getting stoned off of his ass.Â¹
Unfortunately, like every freaking other Monday, it is impossible for Shikamaru to get thoroughly baked all on his own. Living in a village of ninja sucks when trying to be stealthy with your pot. Usually, it's that Kiba with his damned nose that could sniff out an ounce from 100 meters away, whining on and on with his puppy dog eyes about how next time he'll chip in with his own stash instead of bumming off Shikamaru, so please, please, please would Shikamaru help a brother out? Or worse - the Godaime, who smokes like forest fire and waxes incessantly about how sexy Shikamaru's father is, and the things they used to get up to back in the day that make Shikamaru want to bleach his eyes out, because if thinking about your parents having sex is bad, thinking about your old man having sex with a senior citizen is the apocalypse.
Anyway, because Shikamaru knows the universe is cruel and that the chances of him getting to enjoy a peacefully blazed Monday are slim to none, he makes a contingency plan and invites a select few to join him, slightly decreasing the possibility of being interrupted.
"Yo," he calls out to Chouji, who's munching on a bag of fried squid rings as he sits on the grass next to a tousle-haired Ino.
"God, walk faster if you don't want me to gouge your eyes out with a rusty kunai," Ino says as Shikamaru saunters over. Ino, being 50% evil, also hates Mondays with a passion, but she can roll a joint like she'd been born to do it, so Shikamaru figures it's worth the ten minutes of bitching for the hours of bliss to come. Chouji, besides being pretty much the coolest guy Shikamaru's ever known, always has the perfect snack to stave off the munchies. All in all, Team 10 is Konoha's best when it comes to smoking pot.Â²
Shikamaru tosses his knapsack to Ino as he settles down against a tree trunk, bathing in the coolness of the shade as he watches clouds drift by through the ribbons of sky he can pick out of the branches.
And so, one would think that this is the part in the story where the author describes how Team 10 smoked their weight in weed and had a delightful time, what with the THC thrumming through their bodies, causing psychoactive and physiological effects to occur and producing large amounts of laughter and good times. However, despite bringing Chouji and Ino along with him, on this particular Monday, Shikamaru is destined to be interrupted as he has never been before.
Shikamaru is still staring straight up when Konoha's Number One Unpredictable Ninja, Uzumaki Naruto drops from the sky right into the center of Team 10, wearing nothing but radioactive orange boxers and his ninja headband.
"DAMN, DAMN, DAMN, DAMN! HE'S GOING TO KILL ME! Oh God, I'm going to die! Sakura-chan will be heart-broken that I won't be able to father her babies - Ichiraku Ramen will go out of business - I won't be able to punch Sasuke in the face - I won't be able to be Hokage and prove my worth to the village!"
"Ino," Shikamaru says, "pass me the joint."
She does so, but not before lighting up and taking a deep, deep drag. "What the /fuck/, Naruto," she exhales, voicing everyone's thoughts word for word.
"Woah! Woah! When did you all get here?" Naruto exclaims, moving his hands to cover up his bare chest.
"We've ... been ... here ... dumb-ass ..." Chouji says uncertainly.
Naruto scratches his head. "Oh? Oh! Guys, guys, guys! I need your help! You see -"
Naruto pauses as his nostrils flair, catching a new scent on the wind. "Shit. Uh, guys, please - I dunno - like - try to calm him down. C'mon Shikamaru, you're pretty smart - we go way back - oh, shit -"
Naruto suddenly bolts and conceals himself behind a tree. For a ninja, he is not very stealthy. Team 10 stares for a moment before getting back to their pot. Inevitably, the conversation turns to Naruto.
"Y'know," Ino says dreamily, cradling her face with her hands, "he's gotten a lot - hehehehehe - a lot sexier since he got back."
Shikamaru and Chouji speak at the same time. "What."
"Don't get me wrong," Ino explains, waving her hands for emphasis. "I definitely prefer the strong and silent type ... mmm ... sensitive guys with a tragic past ... they just need me to come and save them ... with sex ... yeah ... Plus, Naruto's hair doesn't compliment me at all. Of course, I could always try the brunette look, but I heard they don't have as much fun ..."
"Riiiight." Shikamaru reaches over to grab a couple chips from Chouji. "As fascinating as this is .... Can we talk about something else?"
"I'm not going to talk about your stupid clouds anymore," Ino huffs. "Or food. God, I'm sick of talking about food. Can't we have an intellectual conversation?"
The three of them look at each other for a few seconds before bursting into hysterical laughter.
"Why are your eyes all so red? Are you guys practicing Sharingan? I didn't know that any of you had that bloodline limit."
Suddenly, the threesome becomes a foursome.
Ino, pink-cheeked, is the first to talk. "H-hi, Neji-kun! How ... hehehehehe ... how are you doing?"
Neji glances at her blankly as though he's unsure who she is. "I am looking for Naruto. What are you all doing?"
"Why are you looking for Naruto?" Chouji says, passing the joint to Neji politely.
Neji looks at the smoking joint in his nimble fingers in curiosity. "I am going to kill him," he says calmly.
Shikamaru, tired of the slow progress the joint is making around the circle, fishes out his piece from his vest, lights up and tokes deeply. "Ain't that a bit drastic, Neji?" he coughs.
Neji is still staring at the joint in his hand. "What is this ... substance?" he questions.
"Weed ..." Chouji says slowly.
"N-no, Neji-kun!" Ino giggles. "You know, pot?"
"Grass?" Chouji tries again.
"That cows eat?"
"God, just suck on the not-lit end," Shikamaru says shortly, tired of ignorant rich kids who seemed to exist just to make his life more troublesome.
"Hmm." Neji glares at Shikamaru before taking a tiny, girlish puff and erupting in violent coughs. Soon, he's rolling on the ground and twitching, his long and shiny hair getting tangled and covered with leaves. Finally, his whole body freezes up and jerks - then he stops moving entirely.
"Well," Chouji says, picking up the joint from where Neji dropped it, "I think we killed him."
"Yeah," Shikamaru says toeing at the motionless jounin. "Whoops."
Ino begins to laugh. "Wh-hehehehe-whoops!" she shrieks. "You're - you're so ... so ... God, I can't even think of the word ... oh, wait! ... funny/, Shikamaru! /FUNNY! Hehehehhehehe!"
Shikamaru watches tears stream down Ino's face before starting to chuckle. She's right - he is funny. "We ... we should call this attack ... we should call it ... St-Stoned no Jitsu!"
"Hoohahahahaha!" Chouji bawls. "We'll destroy Akatsuki with ... with dope!"
"Hey, hey, hey!" Naruto leaps back over to them, surprising them out of their laughter. "Thanks guys! I really owe you! Neji totally got the wrong idea - me and Hinata-chan weren't doing what he thought! She accidentally spilled ramen on my clothes and, well, she's gotten really quick with her hands! I guess she didn't realize that she was undressing me! Poor girl! I guess no one ever told her that you should use a napkin instead of licking people clean or something either!"
"..." the three Team 10 ninja says in response. By now, the fact that Naruto is still in his boxers doesn't bother them as much as it previously had.
Shikamaru stretches his arm out to Naruto, giving him his bowl. "I think you need this more than me," he says sympathetically. "Damned troublesome women."
Ino clucks in annoyance, but is pleasantly stoned enough to resist rising to the bait.
"Whoops!" Chouji says eventually in a high-pitched voice. By then, Naruto finds it just as funny as Team 10 does.
As his laughter dies down into wheezes, he clutches his stomach in realization. "OH GOD," he sobs. "I'M SO ... HUNGRY. I THINK I'M GOING ... TO DIE."
Chouji throws a meaty arm over Naruto's shoulder. "Don't worry, buddy! Have this bag of pork rinds."
"YOU ARE MY HERO, CHOUJI!" Naruto declares as he begins shoving pork rinds into his mouth at a disgusting rate. "I LOVE YOU, MAN. YOU. YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION. YOU'RE LIKE. WOW. I WANT TO BE YOU WHEN I GROW UP."
At that moment, Neji sits up with the speed of a rocket, blinking several times before zooming in on the joint in Naruto's hands.
"Woah," everyone except for Neji says.
"We thought you were dead, dude!" Naruto says, passing the joint to Neji. "We were all like, /'WHOOPS'/!"
Luckily for Shikamaru (he hates washing out blood stains), it seems that Naruto isn't the only one who can't remember that Neji's murderous thoughts. Indeed, the pretty jounin fixates on the pot in his hands, not on the blonde ninja. "What's this?" he whispers to himself softly before bringing the joint to his lips and inhaling. Still, Shikamaru can't shake a strange feeling that it might not be such a good idea to let Neji smoke.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" a voice shouts as though in slow motion, and a blur of green knocks the weed out of Neji's mouth.
When the dust settles, Konoha's Green Beast, Rock Lee, stands majestically before them. "That, my good friends, was /close/." He throws the dope onto the ground and twists his foot over it, grinding it out.
"You ... just ... my pot ..." Shikamaru begins.
"I was doing you all the greatest favor of your lives! You don't know the danger you nearly unleashed ... you see, Gai-sensei has forbidden Neji-kun from ever smoking marijuana again! If he has more than one puff ..." Lee sighs dramatically before giving a bright Nice Guy pose. "Luckily I stopped him on his first."
"Wh-what do you mean?" Chouji asks fearfully. Having a superior body build, he's the least effected by the pot, and he has a sneaking suspicion that this hadn't been Neji's first puff.
"Neji-kun ... Neji-kun ... becomes ... a ..." Rock Lee's eyes shine with tragic tears, and he covers his mouth with a hand as he shakes his head.
By now, the rest of the group is having the same, sneaking suspicion that Chouji had just moments earlier. "Just tell us, Fuzzy Eyebrows!" Naruto demands hysterically.
And then, Neji, who had been chuckling darkling to himself, looks up, right at Naruto. His pupil-less eyes have a strange, pink hue to them. He smiles.
"I'm going to - to - hit your 64 pleasure points!" he declares, launching himself into Naruto's lap, his hands crawling up Naruto's bare chest like pale spiders.
"He becomes a /gay sex maniac/!" Rock Lee finishes dramatically.
Team 10 can do nothing but stare in horror as Neji's fingers fly over Naruto's naked and struggling body, desperate to prove that he, not Hinata, had inherited the Hyuuga's greatest of gifts. Within minutes, they are watching full-blown anal sex.
Only Rock Lee is unaffected. "Well, I guess I was too late. The last time this happened was in Suna. It was lucky he fixated on Kankuro-san - he might have been castrated if he tried the Kazekage!"
Shikamaru curses internally. He'd known there was a reason behind his gut feeling to keep Neji away from his weed. Temari had giggled to him all about this the last time last time they smoked a bowl together. Unfortunately, he'd been high at the time and hadn't remembered a single thing about their conversation until this very moment.Â³
The sight before him is awful enough to kill the highest of highs. Not that Shikamaru has a problem with ... less conventional lifestyles - he just doesn't want front seats to it. Seeing it all ... jiggling ... sweating ...
"This is /awesome/," Ino breathes, stars in her eyes.
Shikamaru takes a deep breath, stands up, and walks a couple feet away before hurling violently into the bushes.
It's not like things can get any worse, Shikamaru reasons, trying to call himself down.
"I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, GODAIME-SAMA," a voice barks from behind Shikamaru. "BUT I THINK I SMELL THE SWEET SCENT OF CANNABIS!"
"Bwahahahaha!" another voice cackles sinisterly. "I believe you are right, Kiba-kun!"
Shikamaru can feel two, warm, fleshy lumps on either side of his head. "Fuck," he says.
"/Shi~ka~ma~ru/!" Tsunade-hime sings. "I've been looking for you all day! Let's have fun, ne?"
"HELL YEAH! PARTY OVER HERE!" Kiba bellows, throwing his arms around both of them, squishing Tsunade's breasts even more against Shikamaru's face.
"Fuck," Shikamaru says again.
Â¹ Not many people know that apart from ninja work, marijuana is Konoha's main source of income. The Nara clan in particular grows a fine strain of leaf, guarded by the happiest deer to walk the earth. However, to make the village more appealing, especially to prospective residents, these details are usually glossed over with talk of the low crime rate and the excellent educational system.
Â² Four out of five dentists agree that Team 10 is superior to any other Konoha team in regards to marijuana consumption.
Â³ Moral of this story: drugs are bad for you.