New teammates. Which meant that his old teammates had been given up for dead (well, of course they had. One of them was dead, and the other was even deader. If 'deader' is a word, which he doesn't ...
- You. Are. An. Incredible. Writer. Love how you warp reality for your own purposes. And you have Naruto spot on, and yet stripped from the cornball-ness that usually accompanies him. I'd object to the characterization of Kakashi as not training Naruto because he wasn't Sasuke, but I realize that I'm reading through the Naruto filter, and he is only eleven years old, and not particularly perceptive when it comes to the underneath the underneath, which is where Kakashi stuffs all of his feelings, in any case. I hazard that Kakashi was too busy wallowing in guilt, and uncertainty, to really help Naruto. Anyway, I'm just amazed that you actually can write the cheery fox realistically, in the first place. There's a reason Naruto will not be showing up in any of my fics, just because I can't get into his skin. And secondly you handled Naruto-angst-mode better than I've ever seen it. Again, totally in character. Amazing, and with no jumping off the deep end of dark and twisted, shattered innocence, which is where most Naruto-angst-mode fics go. Great job.
PS. You also had me thinking that the identity of the traitor teammate was Kabuto for a while. Shows how well I remember the first adventure, I guess.
Author's response(okay, this part goes for all four of your reviews, which I appreciate immensely. However, because I'm lazy, and tired, and want to go to bed - night shifts suck - I'm not only responding once. Thank you for reviewing. It's so nice to know that people acutally like my writing. Totally makes me want to write more. Go you! And - because I'm like that - me!)
Okay, now for the 'and if I were to fall' review response. Once again, thank you very much. It's strange but I think this is possibly the best review I've gotten for this story. You're the first person to disagree with my characterization of Kakashi. And question it. And guess(timate) why I made him into the little jerkwad Naruto sees him as. There are actualy three sort of sequels to this, which I didn't post here, becuase of a general lack of positive feedback, and even more general laziness. I have posted the first one of the three on fanfiction-dot-net, and other two are currently in the works. They have fight scenes. Which I suck at writing, and can't even get someone else to write for me. T.T Anyway, Sakura's point of view is up, and as soon as I finish them, I'll be posting Kakashi and Shino's points of view as well.
so, cheers! And thanks again.
- Ficwad is a server of lazy. Most people don't review here, even the "OMG luv ur stry. UPDATE!" reviews you get on FF.N.
And worry not about the fight scenes. I love writing them now, and I used to shy away from them nervously. My secret technique: Well, one) text based RPing a superheroes RP with a guy who is a Dragonball Z nut case forced me to learn how to write action sequences quickly, or be stuck in the role of damsel in distress forever.
If that doesn't work for you (admittedly, it's hard to find such a situation when you're looking for it), two) try to use a lot of action verbs. Shattered, leaped, slammed, etc. If you see "is," "has," "gets," anywhere, (or "was," "had," "got") erase it, and replace it with a descriptive verb. On that note, nix any description in an action sentence. Description can wait for the next sentence to describe the effect of an attack.
There are two basic styles I like to use in action sequences: Short, hard sentences work when trying to indicate that the battle is moving at high speed. Long, smoothly transitioning sentences I use when I want to concentrate on the dance-like qualities of a piece of combat.
/Type 1: Naruto's fist smashed into the cheek. He spun, delivering a kick to his opponent's chest. Haku's head snapped back. He doubled over as the foot colided with his stomach. In the tree overhead, Kakashi smiled to himself. He loved the art of replacement.
Type 2: Shikamaru jumped backwards, and the ground ripped open from an explosion a few seconds later. His eyes slid sideways, and he rolled left under a volley of kunai.
Someone was trying to kill him, and he really found those kinds of days troublesome./
So: the fight between Gaara and Lee at the Chuunin Exams would mostly have short sentences. The fight between Naruto and Sasuke at the Valley of the End, which involved a lot of action and reaction would be mainly written in the second style. Kakashi vs. Zabuza would be a mix of the two.
These are just rules of thumb to try until you develop your own style/comfort level. Personally, I find that if you just concentrate on using good verbs, and action/reaction, battle scenes write themselves.
Author's responseThis is helpful (and for once I'm not being sarcastic). Unfortunately, my problem is that I really can't write short sentences. I've tried. I've practiced. In RPs, my character usually ends up playing the damsel in distress. And do you know why? My fellow RPers take pity on me. The few times I haven't been the damsel in distress is when I give RPers that I won't overdo it free permission to God-mode with my characters.
At the moment, I'm tackling the problem with a don't-actually-describe-everything-that-happens-instead-pad-with-thoughts-and-feelings-and-memories sort of style, hich so far has worked nicely. I got the entire way through the first dream sequence. (He he... I'm evil. I spilt it into two. Now you have to wait even longer to find out if Naruto really did kill Haku or not)
(Incidentally, and this is just me bitching, how can a person misspell 'Insightful'??? ...and long passwords suck. Why do I always make my passwords long??)
(#) GoneAnDiedAgain 2008-06-15 01:27:44 PMThis is very well written and I would really like to see more chapters! It is rediculously hard to find well written stories. I also recognize the fact that writting angest Naruto is a pain in the a**. So I congradulate you on that. And if you want I don't mind giving you a hand with fight sences or at the very least trying. Ja ne.