a failed attempt and flashbacks
I went for a walk. I knew where I was going to end up but I didn't want to end up there. My feet just kept walking in that direction. That pathetic level of loneliness and desperation that I hated so much yet needed so badly. I couldn't control myself.
I'm not sure how far I walked, but it must have been pretty far. I finally looked up at my surroundings. It was pretty late by then and the streets were barren. The streetlights were on now, thank God. I somberly made my way over to the phone booth. It was pretty run down and it smelled like a few animals had left their mark in it, but I used it anyway. I wouldn't dare call him from my cell or house phone. I knew I wouldn't get an answer that way.
I dug in my pockets for change. Once I collected the right amount, I slid the coins into the little slot. My hands shook as I took off the receiver and dialed nervously the number I'd never forget. I stood there as it rang, and rang. Every ring that went by gave me less and less hope. I was absolutely dying.
Nothing. I couldn't say a goddamn thing. What was wrong with me? Why was I calling in the first place?
"Hello? Who's there?"
Still nothing. My mouth moved to form words but nothing came out. If I was going to say something, I wanted it to be something that would make him stay on the line. Just saying hello wouldn't be enough. Ugh, I hated myself.
"I know who this is. If you don't have the courage to say something, then don't bother calling me."
And just like that, he was gone. It was the same thing every time. I never said anything. I just heard his voice for those few brief seconds. That was enough. I was afraid to carry it beyond that. I'm still afraid.
I hung up the receiver and left the phone booth. I walked home with my head down the entire time. I walked as slow as I possibly could. I couldn't face that apartment alone again. Not anymore. It wasn't home. Without him it wasn't home. It was cold and empty. It mocked me all the time.
I got in the door and locked it. I threw down my keys and went back to my room. I ditched my clothes and got in the tub. I laid there for a while and thought. I got by at night by thinking about him, and I did that a lot. Sometimes it didn't even have to be a night. If I pass by a place I knew we'd been to together, I'm filled. I start to feel myself tear up and I have to run away from it. It's almost to the point where I can't go anywhere anymore. I work at home, if you can believe it. I can't risk going out that much anymore. I'm afraid I'll see him.
As I felt my body melt into the warm water, I remembered him more. I remembered the way things felt. His kisses, his hands, the way he smelled; I remembered all those things. They were as clear now as they were then. I enveloped myself in him, and I didn't have any shame. And he didn't mind. I think he liked being needed that way that much.
"Why do you worry like this?"
"Because you're afraid I'll leave?"
"Well YES if you must know!"
We're on the bed, our bed, and he's got his arms around me. I'm leaning into his lap and looking straight out into our living room. I can feel him breathing in my ear. When he speaks it tickles and I close my eyes.
"Why can't you just trust me?"
"Because that never got anyone anywhere."
He wraps his arms around me tighter because he feels me trying to get away from him. He hated that. I did, too. But I always did whatever I could to give him the big shove. I was such a lousy person. I still am.
"I love you. Why don't you believe that?"
"Because I'm not what you need."
"And where do you get off deciding what's good and what's not good for me?"
He's still got his arms around me and I'm not fighting him anymore. With every word his mouth is moving closer to my neck. I can feel his warm breath hovering just above that spot behind my ear.
"BECAUSE unlike you I know what's best for you!"
"AND unlike YOU I know what's best for YOU."
He didn't waste a second. Without taking a breath I feel him start to nuzzle my neck. I can feel his mouth as he leaves a trail soft kisses. He moves slowly down my neck and the warmth can be felt throughout my whole body. I try to resist that happy feeling but I never win. I sigh as he continues his work. I can't see his face but I can tell he's smirking. I lean back and he catches my mouth with his. It's a deep kiss; the kind that presses it's meaning all the way into your soul.
He lifts his mouth just slightly and, breathless, I tell him that I love him. I can feel tears start to well-up in my eyes. I hate that I fall back to him like this. He lowers his mouth on mine again and invades me again. I guess he figured he wasn't getting through to me with words, so he'd rely on his actions. I felt loved in those moments. I felt beautiful and wanted and sexy and appreciated; everything all at once. He always made me feel everything all at the same time.