Jins thoughts while watching Mugen and Fuu. (One Shot!)
Disclaimer: I do not own Samurai Champloo.
You're walking with him, laughing with him again.
I see the two of you, heads leaning together, sharing in some private thought that I will never hear. The closeness seems to be spreading, growing more between the two of you, sending me farther adrift.
I've tried distancing myself from you, pushing you away without hurting you. I know you don't understand how I feel about you, why I keep closing myself off from you; and I understand that you can't know. Telling you would only be painful for us both over the ever rushing passage of time.
If you cared for me, what would our life be? Constantly battling the next misled samurai wanting to end my life in what he falsely perceives to be justice. If they only knew, if I'd only known then I would have stayed, would have fought to clean the slate.
Now it's too late for me, I can never be exonerated, can never have you, hold you, love you. He's free to be with you, I'm a dead man walking with a woman waiting, secluded on an island. I wish I could take back the time I spent trying to drown out your image, attempting to erase you from my mind. That's all she was you know, my endeavor to escape, to wash you away, to make life easier for the both of us.
Instead, illusion gained speed, picked up momentum, and now I know she will be there waiting, hoping for my return when her time is up; when all I want is to forget that mistake, that lapse of judgment.
I'm sorry Fuu, if only we mere mortals had the ability to change the past, to alter our fate.
I wonder if you would understand if I told you; although it would serve no real purpose. I'm a wanted man, a hunted criminal. While you, you're a young girl with your entire future ahead of you, a bright future of your own choosing.
Although, I really don't understand what you see in him, a pirate, a vagrant. I would choose, would hope better for you. Mugen does have his own twisted sense of honor, of loyalty. A better friend I will, in all probability, never have.
Only... he's not me.
It hurts to see, but there's nothing to be done. I'm not a stranger to pain, denial. I will survive, albeit I am getting tired of just surviving, of just getting by on the crumbs of life and never enjoying the meal.
I cannot expect, would never want you to sacrifice yourself so that I may satiate my hunger. I would rather starve on those damn crumbs than cause you pain.
I don't know what I can do.
Occasionally, in my dreams, my hidden desires make themselves known. It's for the best if you never realize, but sometimes it leaks through the cracks in my frozen, aching heart.
My soul begs, screams for you to choose me, want me, love me. Save me, Jin, the cold, unlovable, lost ronin. Hold me to you and guide me, be my map through this barren wasteland that is my life.
I should know better than to nurse false hope; after this journey I will probably never see you again. Not knowing my feelings, wondering why I'm pushing you away, you will see no reason to further our connection.
The honest, sad truth is that the closer we are to your goal, the further the space between us.
A/N: Please Read And Review!