Poor Pete. He can't do anything right. And poor Josh. Don't pretend you ever forgot about him. And why do Andy and Joe keep adapting to old habits?
"You know, Josh, as much as I love you, I really prefer it when you didn't make all that banging." Patrick winced the next morning.
"Sorrrryyyy." Josh said, rolling his eyes.
"Oi, less of the attitude." Patrick said. "Danielle! Come back through here!"
"TV!" She objected loudly from the living room.
"Danielle. Come back. You can watch TV after your breakfast."
"Dora!" She said, pointing back into the living room as she came into the kitchen.
"Yeah, yeah, you can watch it later." Patrick said, as there was a knock at the door. Patrick groaned. Josh copied him and started banging.
"Josh, stop copying people, it's rude. And quit that banging." Patrick said, wearily, leaving the room quickly and opening the door. He laughed as soon as he opened it.
"Hey, Pete. What's up?"
"I'm tired." He said. "Can I sleep on your couch?" He asked, walking into the house when Patrick motioned him in.
"Sure, but, Josh is sort of on a hyper streak and I think Danielle wants to watch TV."
'Fair enough." Pete yawned, following him into the kitchen.
"Josh, what did I tell you?"
"Uncle Petey!" Josh screamed, wriggling off his chair and running over to Pete, hugging his legs.
"Hey, pal. Did you sleep well?"
"I slept in my big boy bed." Josh said proudly while Pete sat him back on his chair and sat down himself.
"Really?" He asked.
"Yeah! I didn't fall out!"
Pete smiled at Josh and Danielle poked Patrick as he walked past.
"If Josh fell out..." She started. Patrick urged her on, she had a habit of stopping in the middle of a sentence and walking away.
"Fall out boy!" She said, and screamed with laughter.
"My God, I think that's the funniest joke I've heard from a three year old." Pete said, laughing.
"Nice one, Danni." Patrick said.
"You look bad." Josh said to Pete.
"And you look like a monkey."
"Oh, Pete, don't get him started. When it's people's birthday he sings the zoo version of the song instead of the real version. And he'll be saying that for the rest of the month."
"Sorry. I know I do, pal."
"Why?" Josh enquired.
"Yeah, Pete, why?" Patrick grinned, leaning against the counter and folding his arms.
"Because... uh, Auntie Rachel is very tired and I've been looking after her." Pete told Josh.
"In grown up words?" Patrick asked. Pete stood up and inched closer to him.
"We were talking last night... right? And everything was good, she was real sweet. Then we were cuddling for ages, and then she started getting /really/..."
He broke off, embarrassed.
"Yes?" Patrick pushed him to go on.
"She got really... horny." He whispered, leaning closer. Patrick's eyes widened.
"You didn't... do it, did you?"
"No! God, no. I /couldn't/!" Pete said, shocked. "But no... when she was..."
"Turned on?" Patrick said, his voice lowered.
"Yeah." Pete admitted. "She got even more aggressive. It really scared me."
"Oh, God, she wasn't like... climbing on top of you, was she?"
"Yes!" Pete said, loudly.
"Oh, man. Now /that/, I know what it's like. Christina tried to kiss me when she was seven months... and she crushed my lungs. This one still doesn't function properly." Patrick said, rubbing the right side of his chest.
"Right." Pete said. "I'm scared. Do people actually do it when the woman's like... eight months."
"Sure, they do." Patrick said. "All the time. Sometimes it helps the baby to come."
"Eww, stop it, stop it." Pete said, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, but I don't think I should go poking around up there when my son's right... there."
"I'm sorry, but I just think it's wrong. They can hear everything right now."
"Did you have to go to McDonald's last night?"
"Three times." Pete groaned.
"Three?" Patrick laughed.
"Yeah. Well, once I rejected her offer of... you know, she got real hungry and moany again."
"I'm glad I don't live with her right now, to be honest."
"Can I move in with you? Just until the baby's born?" Pete asked, grabbing Patrick's arm. "Seriously, she might end up breaking my wrist and I'll never play the bass again."
"Shame." Patrick said, sitting down. Pete did the same and sighed.
"I need some fun."
"Oh, well, you came to the right place. Giving these guys breakfast isn't exactly fun."
"I want TV!" Danielle said, interrupting them.
"Oh, really?" Patrick said.
"Well, you'll have to wait a while, my love." He turned back to Pete. "I would kill to be able to watch grown up TV. The TV the kids have nowadays is absolute garbage."
"Craaap." Josh said.
"Hey! Where did you hear that?" Patrick scolded him. Josh looked at his plate.
"Josh..." Patrick said, in his warning tone.
"Uncle Joe!" Josh said. Pete gave him a thumbs up while Patrick wasn't looking, mouthing 'thanks!'.
"Gee, Joe has to stop talking like that." Patrick said, looking like Pete. "Danni told me I sucked yesterday."
"Interesting. That kid is perceptive." Pete said, winking at Danielle.
"Sorry. That's rude." Pete said, loudly so Danielle would hear.
"Done!" Danielle yelled, jumping off her seat and running out the room.
"Danni, come ba..." Patrick gave up and looked at Pete. "They walk rings around me."
"Don't touch my computer, Danielle, alright?"
"And you tell me I'll be a pushover." Pete tutted.
"Oh, you will." Patrick said. "I'll be right back."
He left the room to go into the living room, leaving Pete alone with Josh. Pete caught his eye, and was shocked to see he was scowling at him.
"What's wrong with your face, boy?" He asked.
"You and baby?"
"That's right pal. I'm gonna have a baby. Well, not me personally."
"No? Why not?"
"No." Josh shook his head.
"Aw, are you jealous?" Pete asked, sliding off his chair and bending down in front of Josh.
"You won't like me."
"Why do you think that?"
Josh shrugged and turned his head away. Pete picked Josh up and hugged him.
"I love you, pal. Nothing will stop me loving you."
"Don't be silly. You're still my number one boy. You always will be."
"Ho ho ho! Santa's here! Except it's summer!" A voice said from the hallway.
"Please tell me that isn't your dad." Pete said, walking into the hallway.
"Oh, it's even worse."
"Howdy, partner!" Joe said, coming into the kitchen.
"Joe!" Josh said.
"Hi little man. How's it going?"
Josh wriggled, trying to get away from Pete, and Pete handed him to Joe and sat down.
"He thinks I'm going to forget about him after the kid is born."
"Oh, man, you think that, Josh? That won't happen."
"I told him that."
"If anything, man, he'll forget about /me/, yeah?"
"Joe, shut up. Where's Andy?"
"Parking the car. He takes so long. I don't know how on earth he passed his test."
Patrick came back into the room and stopped when he spotted Joe. He pointed backwards at the door, and then at Joe, confused.
"I let myself in."
"WAZZUP?" Andy danced his way into the kitchen.
"See, me, Patrick? I had to courtesy to knock."
"Man, that habit stopped for nearly two years. Now it's back." He said with a grin and a shake of his head.
That night, after Pete, Joe and Andy had left, Patrick sat down in the living room, switching on his laptop while Danielle watched the TV and Josh played with his action figures.
"You really like that Dora, don't you?" Patrick asked Danielle, who was sitting next to him, her eyes glued to the TV. She nodded absent mindedly and didn't take her eyes off the screen.
"Alright, I'll shut up. I get the hint. I still reckon you should watch Looney Tunes." He said, putting his headphones on. A few minutes passed and he was interrupted from his music making by a doll being thrown at him.
"Ow, that hurt." He said, looking up to see Josh looking at him expectantly. "You know, calling my name wouldn't hurt as much."
"Oh. Well in that case, I'm sorry. What's up?"
"What does the baby look like?"
Patrick rolled his eyes. Josh really was nervous about being forgotten.
"Look, come here." Patrick said, patting the couch next to him. "Why do you think Pete's going to forget you? He won't. Don't you believe me?"
Josh shrugged when he jumped up next to him.
"Can you get a baby?"
"Maybe in a few years, yes. Not right now."
Patrick didn't like where this conversation was going.
"Um, because you need a mommy and a daddy to make a baby."
"Babies are made?"
Inside his head, Patrick was cursing himself.
"Yeah, they are."
"Uh... tell you what, little guy. Ask me that in about... seven years."
"Okay." Josh said, clearly not understanding. Patrick pinched his nose and ruffled his hair.
Josh buried his head under Patrick's arm and leant against him, while Patrick thanked his stars Josh hadn't asked him why he didn't have a mommy.
Pete walked through the streets to his house, a bouquet of flowers in one hand, and a bag of Chinese take out in the other, cradling his Sidekick in between his shoulder and his chin.
"I'm telling you, Patrick. Fucking Chinese tonight and tomorrow it'll be Indian. And they're not meant to eat spicy food unless they're overdue. Another month of twenty dollars a night on dinner, I don't think I can cope. And then she'll be overdue for like... a month."
"Pete, remember what I said yesterday. Just give her a break." Patrick replied. He was on the speaker phone since he couldn't iron and hold the phone at the same time. Josh and Danielle were long since in bed, so he didn't have to tell Pete off for swearing.
"I think I will crack, pal, seriously. And yes, I know it's hard on her but it's crushing me. Literally, probably."
"Dude, stop being so mean. You're the daddy, you're supposed to run around after her. Give her extra pillows, stuff like that. Make sure she's comfortable."
"I know, I realize that. I love her, I do. But right now I feel like she hates me."
"She's bound to resent you a little right now." Patrick laughed. "It's you who's responsible for her not being comfortable."
"Don't, Patrick. Don't make me feel really bad."
"I'm not trying to. Just try to see things from her point of view."
"What, that she's pregnant and horny and her fiance won't have sex with her? I'm not making love to her, Patrick, I won't."
"Fair play. Just don't make her feel awful about it. She already feels awful enough. Just cuddle her all night or something, or take her out to a movie. Something nice you can both do together - besides sex."
"I guess. I'll try. I'll catch you tomorrow. Wish me luck." Pete said, as he walked up his drive.
"Honey?" He closed the front door behind him, looking in each room for Rachel. Finding nothing downstairs, he went upstairs and looked in his and Rachel's bedroom.
"Oh, my God." He said, his mouth open. Rachel was laying across the bed, obviously recreating a scene from a movie, with rose petals scattered across the bed and one in her mouth.
"Oh, Rachel, no." He said, laughing nervously.
"I've been waiting for you..." She said huskily.
"Yeah, that would be because you asked me to go and get this." He said, holding up the bag of Chinese food.
"Well, excuse me for being hungry."
"I'm not holding that against you." Pete said, innocently, sitting down on the bed, and she immediately started kissing him on his neck, down his chest.
"Honey, not tonight, huh?"
"Why? Is it because you think I'm ugly?"
"No! No, I think you're beautiful. You are, you're my star, aren't you?"
"Then why won't you have sex with me?"
"I just think it's wrong when Petey Junior is right... there." He said, poking her stomach and cocking his head to the side to look at her. "Mmm?"
"Right?" He asked, when Rachel didn't reply. "Plus... it'll make it extra special for when we can make love after he's born."
"Do you seriously think we'll have the time to have sex after this baby's born?"
"Well, we can make time." Pete said. "When he's asleep."
"Stop calling it a he! We don't know what it is."
"Oh, whatever, Pete." Rachel said, getting up and leaving the room, snatching the bag of food away from him before leaving. Pete sank back onto the bed as the door slammed.
"It's a boy." He sighed, closing his eyes in despair.
For Christa and ssketchator. Just because you're you.