The funeral was held five days after that. Raquel decided that Gerard needed an explanation. An explanation of her past, why she was so obsessed. It was a rather long story but Raquel could think of a way to shorten it a bit.
Raquel took Gerard into a room in the hotel, they were selling there apartment, none of them could bare to go in it anymore. The other members of My Chemical Romance were outside with Kevin and Travis, they were explaining what happened, all they knew was that Gerard was called out in the middle of the night.
Raquel shut the door behind them and Gerard sat down on the chair. His eyes were vacant and there were black circles surrounding them from lack of sleep, he looked just like the rest of them did.
"When I first met Tossico I knew there was something that wasn't right with her. She was always smiling laughing, but it always sounded and looked so forced. Whenever she thought no one was looking her face was always hollow and hard. I first got suspicious of her bad habits when I noticed she never ate at lunch. She had some water every once and awhile. I had been to her house a few times for dinner, and she always made an excuse not to eat most of her food. She lied a lot of the places she went; she lied a lot in general."
"One day in June in our third year of high school, me and her were walking home and she collapsed on the ground. I lifted her up and helped her into the shad, thats when I found out she wore waist cinchers. She was aiming for the perfect figure. She couldn't even breathe properly with them on. And she was going to gyms every night."
"She had her first episode in our last year of high school, it was graduation photos on that day, and some girls had broken into her locker and wrote ugly on the mirror. She ran out crying. When I found her she had her hands over her face, I thought she was just crying at first but I saw blood trickling down her face. She has digging her finger nails into her face. I touched her shoulder and she slapped me and started yelling at me not to look at her, yelling about how ugly she was, I eventually got her to calm down." He paused and looked at Gerard, he was silent and looking down. Raquel could tell he was crying.
"She had been like that for three years after we graduated. Then we met Travis and Kevin and started a band. It was hard getting signed. A lot of the people tried to change her; they wanted to make her girly, slutty. She refused to do what they wanted, so they wouldn't sign us. She thought it was her fault. She blamed it on her self, thinking that she was ugly and thats why they wouldn't sign us. She just got worse and worse as the years went on. She was obsessed with beauty, and I guess something happened to her to cause her to finally loose it." Raquel sighed and finished.
Only sounds in the room where the constant, menacing ticking of the clock. Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock. Over and over again. Raquel cleared is throat, "Gerard are you oka-" He was cut off.
"No I'm not okay." His voice was strangled and cracking, he was crying. "It's my fault. My damn fault she's dead." His shoulders with shaking with silent sobs and his fist were clenched. "If only I knew sooner, If only I fucking knew!" He yelled lifting his head. His cheeks were stained with tears.
"Gerard, what are you talking about?" Raquel asked. How could it be his fault she was dead? What could the man she loved the most in the world done to make her die? She was the happiest she had ever been with Gerard. She was smiling and laughing and forgetting that everyone was constantly judging her, because she was around a man that didn't care about what other people thought, and he was rubbing off on her.
Gerard drew a sharp breath. "Me and her were on the phone that day. We got into a big fight, and I called her an ugly bitch and then hung up on her." He sobbed. Raquel was shocked and angry, not at Gerard but Tossico. She should have known that he didnt mean it and that when he meant ugly he didn't mean her appearance. She should have known that he loved her.
He put a comforting hand on Gerard's shoulder; his whole body was shaking with sobs. He couldnt even imagine how it would feel to be him right now. He could only imagine it was how Tossico felt every time they were turned down because she would not comply with there clichd, mainstream ideas that they wanted to use to change her.
The funeral like all funerals was depressing. The heavy sense of death hung in the air. The funeral was small, everyone there knew her well. But only four of the people there knew why she was dead. Everyone else thought she killed her self from stress. The other members of My Chemical Romance knew that wasn't true, but they also didn't know why she died. But the truth was, she didn't commit suicide, Beauty killed her. Obsession took over her. She wasn't her self anymore.
Out of everyone, Gerard was taking it the worst. The guilt of her death was heavy upon his conscious. He knew what he did wrong. He wished he could change it, he wished he knew how self-conscious she really was.
Her hand slide of her handle of the ringing phone, she picked it up and put it to her ear. "Hello."
"Oh, hey Gerard."
"Listen Tossico, I heard a rumor today" He started carefully. He didnt want to approach this wrong.
"And well I heard from someone that you were cheating on me." He blurted it out, he didn't want to be so careless about it but he needed to know.
"What? Gerard you know I would never fucking do that!"
The anger and suspicion he had held back ever since he heard the rumor started to arise again. "How would I know? You lie all the time."
"Don't even bring that up! I wouldn't lie to you about something like that!"
"Oh, but you would still lie to me?"
"It doesn't matter! I'm not cheating on you, why are you being such an ass?"
"Well excuse me for being an ass, just the thought of my girl friend cheating on me kind of gets me upset!"
"I'm not cheating on you!"
"How can I be sure?"
"You have to trust me!"
"How do you trust a liar?"
"Gerard stop being such a fucker!"
"Yeah whatever. Your right you can't cheat on me, no one else would want you because youre an ugly bitch." And he hung up. He immediately regretted his words. He knew he didn't mean it, he was just angry with her. He knew he should call her back and apologize, but he figured it would be better to do when he had calmed down more and was in a better mood.
At the funeral he regretted one thing the most. He stood up and walked over to the closed coffin that held is deceased lover. Supposedly they couldn't wash some of the blood from her blonde hair.
He ran his fingers over the expensive wood of the coffin and muttered his regret, "I never got to say sorry."