Big Mouths and Big Moves
I pushed play on the remote and waited for the movie to start.
I ate my popcorn one piece at a time and hummed to myself. My humming stopped when I heard a noise come from the front entryway. I pushed pause on the remote and I stopped all movement and breathing in order to hear more clearly.
I didn't hear anything else, but my heart was beating faster. I reluctantly pushed play on the remote and allowed the movie to begin playing again.
I pushed my popcorn aside and tried to ease my racing thoughts. I heard the noise again and I quickly pushed pause on the remote and stood up. Someone was in the house. I knew it.
I walked slowly towards the dark entryway.
"Hello?" I asked hoping it was one of my friends playing an awful trick on me.
My hands were uncontrollably shaking as I reached for the light and switched it on. I let out a deep breath at seeing no one in sight. I walked over to the door and made sure it was shut tightly and locked. I took a deep breath and turned around to be put face to face with him.
"What are you doing here?" I asked my voice shaky.
"I told you I'd come back," he said walking towards me with a smirk on his face.
I turned around to run out the door, but Mark grabbed me by both of my arms.
"Oh, I don't think you will be going anywhere," he said into my ear. I could smell the alcohol on his breath and I cried out.
"Leave me alone!" I kicked trying to free myself from his grasp.
Mark grabbed my hair and pulled it back hard.
"This will go a lot easier for you if you don't fight," he said in a warning manner.
I felt my tears flow down my cheeks as I struggled to break free, but he was so strong.
He spun me around and my knee instinctively went up into his crotch.
"Bitch!" he yelled in pain and slapped me across my cheek.
I yelled out in pain and fell to the floor. I tried to get up, but he was on top of me in a matter of seconds. He took my head and slammed it into the tile floor and I stopped moving. The pain was too great.
"I told you not to fight," he said as he rolled me over.
I had an instant headache. I could feel his hands rubbing up and down my body and I tried to push his hands away, but I was too weak.
"Please don't," I whispered, but he wouldn't listen. He didn't care.
I cried the entire time he took advantage of my body. He was taking away my innocence and I was too weak to do anything. My head was throbbing as was the rest of my body.
I could hear his grunts as he pushed himself into me. I wanted to vomit. I felt so sick and used. Why wasn't I able to fight back?
When he finished up he buttoned himself back up and I just laid on the floor crying.
"You know you deserved this you little bitch," he said cruelly.
He walked into the kitchen and came back. I was too scared to move.
"You deserve everything that comes to you," he said raising the rolling pin above my head.
I put my arms up and screamed knowing full well what was about to happen. I felt the blow to my head, but it was blackness after that.
"No!" I woke up regretting the sudden movement immediately.
"Hey, you ok?" Pete asked sounding startled.
I looked at him shocked as tears went down my cheeks. He looked tired. Sleeping in a hospital chair definitely wasn't doing his beauty rest well.
"Oh God, Pete," I cried covering my face with my hands as best as I could with one being in a cast.
Pete placed a hand on my shoulder afraid that any other contact would result in causing more pain.
"What is it, Izzy?" he asked rubbing his hand on my shoulder and to the back of my neck.
"I had the most horrible dream," I said trying to slow my breathing.
I closed my eyes working on getting the images of that man taking full advantage of my body out of my mind, but they were etched into my memory forever.
"Do you want to tell me about it?" he whispered.
I just looked over at Pete with sad eyes. Did I want to tell him about it? I never told him the details of my rape. I wouldn't even press charges due to the fact that I never wanted to talk about it again. I didn't want to relive every last dreaded detail of the night that I lost my innocence to a drunken pig.
"I don't think I can," I whispered back.
"Why?" Pete continued with the whispering.
I didn't know what to say to that. Why couldn't I tell Pete? I loved him. The question lingering in the air was if he loved me back, and if he loved me back enough to hear the horrible things that happened to me.
"I don't know if I trust you," I said honestly.
The immediate hurt in Pete's eyes was evident. He looked as though my words had taken the breath right out of his chest.
"Oh," he said unsure of what else to say.
My heart broke at how sad he looked.
"Well, I'll just let you sleep then," he said standing up looking as though he was lost.
I grabbed Pete's wrist firmly.
"Pete," I said firmly so he would look at me.
His eyes were so lost at that moment in time that now my breath was taken out of my chest.
"I want to. I want to trust you again," I said pulling him towards me, so he would get closer to my face.
Pete leaned his arm down on the bed and hovered over me.
"Please. Give me time to trust you again," I said as our lips were nearly touching.
"Is that all you need? Time?" he asked in a husky voice causing chills to run down my arms.
"Unfortunately no. You're going to have to work at it," I said and loosened my grip on his wrist.
Pete let out a huge breath and stood up straighter.
"Like what?" he asked sounding defeated.
"Will you lay with me tonight?" I asked my eyes were pleading with his.
Pete raised an eyebrow at me.
"Like in your bed?" he asked pointing to me laying in the hospital bed.
"Yeah," I said back.
"You sure? I don't want to hurt you," he said sounding nervous now.
"All I want is for you to lay next to me. Please," I said.
Pete's worry was washed away as he gave me a smile.
"Sure. I'll lay with you," he said.
I smiled and scooted over as far as possible with as little movements as possible that would move my ribs too much. I ached slightly as Pete gently laid down next to me.
"Are you ok?" he asked concerned.
"I will be," I said simply.
Pete just smiled as he put his arm around me in a protective manner. Hopefully we both would be ok.
I woke up feeling cold. I looked to my left and slightly sat up in wonder as to where Pete was.
My head shot over to the man standing by my window. He just stood there staring out at the morning sun that was just peeking above the horizon.
I had no words.
"About an hour ago. He left just as I was arriving," he said now finally looking at me. He looked good, but his eyes were revealing another story; sadness, exhaustion.
"JB," I finally breathed out.
"Hey, Bella," he whispered back walking to the foot of my bed.
I was practically holding my breath waiting for him to scream and yell. I wanted him to scream and yell. I deserved for him to scream and yell. The screaming and the yelling, however, did not come. Instead I got compassion and empathy.
"Are you ok?" he asked lightly touching my ankle on my good leg.
I felt tears run down my cheeks just looking at the man that I had betrayed and pushed away.
I couldn't speak. I just nodded and wiped my tears away.
He smiled slightly and sat down next to my bed and grabbed my hand.
"I'm sorry," I whispered allowing my tears to flow freely.
"For what?" he asked rubbing his thumb over my knuckle like he had done so many times before.
"I was horrible to you," my voice broke with emotion.
JB didn't say anything to this. There was nothing to say because it was all true.
"The day of the accident..."
"I know. I talked to Patrick. He told me everything," JB interrupted me.
"I never meant to hurt you," I said squeezing his hand slightly.
"When I called you that morning and Patrick answered your phone, I wanted to come over there and kill him. I thought that was the most pain I could ever feel in my heart."
"JB, I'm so..."
"But when I got the phone call from Crystal about you being in the accident and in a coma; that almost killed me," he said looking straight into my soul.
"I was pregnant with Pete's baby," I blurted out.
JB stopped the calming rubbing motion on my hand with his thumb. His eyes were wide as saucers.
"That's what I was coming over to your place to tell you. I cheated on you with Pete when we were in Chicago. I found out I was pregnant a couple of weeks later. I wanted to tell you, but I thought I'd loose you, so I just pushed you away instead," I said crying. I wasn't sure if he understood every word I had said due to the hysterics I was embarking on.
JB just continued his shocked stare at me.
"When?" he asked simply.
"The night of our fight. Pete showed up at my door," I whispered not able to look at his face anymore.
JB stood up and walked towards the door, but stopped and walked towards me. He started to pace slightly. He looked as though he was trying to decide if he should leave or stay and fight with me.
"It's all making so much more sense," he said putting his hands through his hair.
"JB, please, don't hate me," I said still crying. I wanted to walk up to him and put my arms around him.
"The baby?" he stopped suddenly and looked at me.
"I lost it in the accident," I put my head down in shame.
"Jesus," he muttered and began pacing again.
"I didn't mean for it to happen. It just did," I tried to explain myself.
"Damn it Izzy!" JB yelled slightly putting his hands up to his ears to block out my words.
I looked at him shocked now.
"Do you know how damn difficult you make it to be mad at you?" he asked sounding irritated.
I just shook my head no.
"Well, you do. I should hate you. I should be furious, but I look at you laying there in a hospital bed with god knows how many injuries and I just can't. I just...I can't deal with this now," he said simply and walked out of my hospital room leaving me in shock.
"Knock, knock," Patrick said with a smile in his voice.
I wiped the tears off my face from my previous encounter with JB and looked over at Patrick.
"Iz. What's wrong?" he asked rushing up to me with concern.
"JB stopped by," I said as I broke into tears again.
"Oh, Iz. I'm sorry," he said rubbing my shoulder. That was getting quite irritating.
"I'm a horrible person, Trix," I said taking at deep breath.
"No, you're not," he said looking down on me with sympathy.
"How can you say that? After what I did to JB. After what I did to Pete. After what I did to you!" I said upset.
Patrick just looked down at me with concern.
"NO! How can you have this unconditional love for me, Patrick? All these years I've been messing with you and your feelings knowing full well that I loved Pete the whole time!" my body started to ache due to the movement I was partaking in during my rant.
Patrick looked hurt now.
"Patrick. We kissed more than once when I was with Pete. We kissed," I said louder.
"Iz," Patrick tried to calm me down.
"And then we had sex! Two days after I broke up with my boyfriend of a year, who I cheated on with my ex! We had sex, Patrick!" I yelled now.
"Izzy!" Patrick yelled to snap me out of what ever state I was in.
We stared at each other in shocked silence. I was going crazy. These boys were making me crazy.
I saw movement out of the corner of my eye and saw Pete standing there looking more lost than JB had earlier that day. I knew he had heard. He had heard everything.
"Pete," I cried out knowing that he now knew everything.
"What the fuck," he whispered.
Patrick stood up ready to defend himself if Pete was going to charge.
Pete just looked back and forth between Patrick and myself. He was in shock.
"Pete, just stay calm," Patrick said putting his hands up slightly.
"You two slept together?" Pete asked sounding hurt.
I was shocked to not find an ounce of anger in his voice, and it killed me to know that he was hurting due to my actions.
"I can explain," Patrick said quickly.
I couldn't speak. I never wanted for Pete to find out about me and Patrick.
Pete just looked at Patrick confused as though he had just spoken a foreign language.
"It was my fault. I took advantage of her when she was in a vulnerable state. I should have known better, but sometimes feelings get all fucked up," Patrick said trying to hide the fear in his voice.
"You slept with my best friend?" Pete looked right at me with pain dripping off his features.
"She was hurt, Pete. She was trying to figure shit out about you and things just got out of control," Patrick tried to speak for me.
Pete scrunched his face up as though he was searching for an answer or anything that would make some form of sense to him. He looked so lost and confused.
"I don't even know what to say," he said sadly.
"Pete, listen. You two weren't together and the last words she heard from you were that you didn't love her. What did you expect her to do?" I could tell Patrick was starting to get irritated.
Pete just shook his head as though he didn't know quite what to say next. He just turned around and left.
"Pete!" I finally found my voice trying to get him to come back.
He didn't come back, though. He just kept walking.
Patrick looked at me with shock.
"Iz, are you ok?" he asked with his voice slightly shaking.
"I just really want to be alone," I whispered and turned my head to the side.
How was it that I had hurt all three of the men in my life in a matter of one day?
I opened my eyes and sighed slightly from the pain in my ribs. I was so tired of being in the hospital and being in a constant state of pain.
I jumped slightly when I heard a slight snoring at the side of my bed. I turned on my bedside light and saw Pete curled up in the fetal position trying his best to get comfortable on the chair.
He came back.
"Pete," I whispered.
He mumbled slightly and shifted in the chair.
"Pete," I whispered more loudly.
He jolted up and looked around in shock. His eyes found mine in his state of disorientation and his body visibly calmed down.
"I'm sorry," I whispered.
Pete nodded his head slightly, but didn't say anything.
"This afternoon when I freaked out on Patrick, I was trying to say to him that I didn't understand how he could have this unconditional love for me after we had sex and I told him that I still loved you," I said quietly.
Pete's eyes widened slightly. He swallowed hard and licked his lips preparing for something.
"I'm not going to say that I'm not hurt at the fact that you slept with Patrick, but the truth was, we weren't together and hadn't been for five years and we still aren't together, so in reality, I have no reason to be angry with you or him," Pete said quietly.
"I didn't do it to hurt you," I said shaking my head slightly.
"I know," Pete nodded.
"He didn't do it to hurt you either," I stated.
"I know that too," he sighed deeply.
"I meant it," I said looking him in the eyes.
Pete scrunched up his face with confusion.
"What?" he asked.
"I still love you," I whispered.
I sat up in bed staring out the window. Pete had left that night. I was so stupid. I should have never told him that I loved him. He wasn't ready to hear that. My foolish self thought that he was ready for it, but it was obvious that he wasn't. He just stared at me wide-eyed and shocked into silence. He explained that he had some things to take care of and that he would call me. He kissed my forehead, told me to take care, and he was out the door; again.
I sat up all morning going over in my head the way I wanted that to play out and what I should have done differently. What in the world caused me to say such things? It had to of been the medications that I'm on. There is no other excuse.
"Iz?" Patrick asked from my doorway.
I looked over at Patrick and smiled slightly.
"Hey Trix. What's up?" I asked trying to stretch without causing my body to ache.
"I've got a surprise for you," he smiled staying by my door.
"What's that?" I asked unenthused.
"This," he said opening the door wider allowing two people to enter.
"Hey Izzy!" Joe said happily holding hands with Alex.
"Hey guys!" I said surprised.
"We thought that we would come visit you on our way out to LA," Alex said walking up to my bed.
"LA?" I asked.
"Yeah, um, I was going to..." Patrick stuttered over his words.
"Woops," Alex said feeling quite awkward.
"You're ALL going to LA?" I asked sounding disappointed.
"Why the hell didn't you tell me that she didn't know?" Alex said smacking Patrick in the arm.
He cowered in defense.
"Sorry! I forgot," he said simply.
"You forgot? What kind of an excuse is that? You're going to have to work on that if you get a girlfriend. She's not going to accept that for an answer," Alex said irritated.
I couldn't help but smile at the interaction.
"Don't worry man. I'll hook you up with some great excuses," Joe said from behind Alex.
This obviously wasn't the right choice of words because Alex whipped around and faced Joe with fury in her eyes. I had to bite my lip in order to not laugh out loud.
"That's not what I meant," Joe spoke quickly.
"Trohman!" Alex yelled swatting him in the arm just as she did to Patrick.
"Ow! Sorry!" he said loudly.
Alex took a deep breath and faced me with a smile on her face.
"Izzy, I'm sorry that you have to be surrounded by these air-heads," Alex said calmly.
"Hey!" both Joe and Patrick protested her choice of words.
Alex managed to ignore the boys and continue to talk to me.
"Yes. The boys are going to LA to start recording their album. It's kind of a big deal and I'm surprised that Patrick didn't tell you," Alex said looking over at him with that look of fury again.
"I'm surprised that Pete didn't say anything," I mumbled.
"You saw Pete!?" both Alex and Joe yelled causing me to jump slightly.
"Yeah. Why?" I asked shocked.
"We haven't heard from him in almost two weeks. Kelly didn't even know where he was," Joe said explaining their shock.
"Well, Patrick saw him too," I said pointing to the now silent man in the back of the room.
"You knew where Pete was?" Alex asked.
"He told me not to tell anyone. He figured the least people who knew, the less likely it would end up in the press," Patrick said quietly.
I just put my head down at hearing this. I obviously didn't want to be in the press, but it made me feel as though he was ashamed of me. It wasn't a good feeling.
"That idiot. He should have told his band mates at least," Alex rolled her eyes.
"So, LA?" I asked looking at Patrick.
He looked at me sheepishly and shrugged.
"You know what? We're going to leave you two," Alex said noting the tension in the air.
"What? We just got here?" Joe said clueless.
"Come on, I'll buy you some jello at the cafeteria," Alex said pulling Joe out the room by the arm.
"Ohhh. Jello," Joe said following her.
I just kept my eyes on Patrick. He must have known since before he came to visit me in Minnesota that he was going to LA. Why didn't he tell me?
"Sorry," Patrick said sitting down next to me.
"What's going on? Why didn't you tell me?" I asked quietly.
"Well, after we slept together, I found it extremely hard to tell you," he said clearing his throat slightly.
"Why?" I was confused.
"Because I didn't want you to think that I came for a quick fuck and then leave for LA," he confessed.
I winced at his wording. I didn't want to admit it, but that's what it was. It was just a quick fuck for the both of us in order to get rid of all that sexual tension that had built up over the past years.
"You should have told me," I said sounding disappointed.
"Yeah, well you should have told me you were carrying Pete's baby, but sometimes we don't tell the ones that we love what we should," Patrick snapped at me.
I turned my head to look out the window. He was right. I should have told him.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to snap," he whispered.
"When do you leave?" I asked not giving him eye-contact.
There was a deafening silence meaning that the answer couldn't be good. I closed my eyes with the anticipation.
"I leave on Sunday. We begin work in the studio on Monday," he said quietly.
I scrunched my face up. Sunday. That was five days away. He could have given me a little more time to cope with the loss of not having him around. And Pete could have said that the things he had to take care of were recording an album.
"But once you get better, you can come visit me," Patrick said hopeful.
I turned my head towards him and looked at his face which was waiting for approval.
"Sure Trix. I'll come visit you," I smiled slightly knowing full well I wasn't going to be well enough to go visit them.
I couldn't even walk yet, and I was told that there was going to be months of physical therapy. It was going to be a long time before I am well enough.
"Do you forgive me for not calling you?" he asked grabbing my hand.
"Of course I do. I can't stay mad at you," I said rolling my eyes.
Patrick's eyes sparkled and he kissed my hand sweetly. I just smiled back, but deep in my mind I was wondering what Pete was up to.
AN: I know this is a way late update, but all I can say is life happened. I hope you enjoy, though!