Benji is a chic who decided that her boyfriend of four days was moving too fast with the talk of kids and running away togeather. She was 18 and she had a life to live! So instead of being smart an...
I did want to be with Gerard though, he had been so nice, and he helped me out. He hadn't abandoned me when I suggested we be friends for awhile. He hung around and bought me things. He hinted that he wanted to know about the whole Madden thing but he never pushed me to tell him. He knew how my mind works, I needed someone like that....but.... I can't.
I hadn't really been sleeping at all when he came in, I just wanted to convince him that I had been getting sleep. In all truth I haven't, I kept waking up from shitty nightmares about the crash and different variations of it, so eventually I just stopped sleeping all together. I knew it wasn't good for me, it made me sick and dizzy, but eventually I got over it, timing my alarm clock to wake me up after 15 or 20 minutes.
I lay down on my bed, staring at the ceiling, when I accidentally fell asleep.
I was in the car, driving. Gerard was next to me, tears streaming down his cheeks, begging me to stop. I just kept my foot on the accelerator.
"Benj, I love you, I know that you love me to, don't do this. Please." I was whispering, He was so scared. I never realized how fragile he could really be.
"No I can't. I don't love you. I used to, then all this shit happened, you can't love me anymore."
The car slammed into a Jersey wall and flipped.
The dream went farther then it usually does.
I stood next to hospital bed. He was dying, it was all my fault.
I woke up shaking, tears staining my cheeks.
I thanked anything and everything that wasn't one of the worse.
I got on the computer a couple hours later and there was a myspace message for me.
Subject: Guess What?!
I dunno if you ever got my note, but I left your house awhile ago, well on my way back home I stopped at the mall (needed more makeup...) I met this girl. Benj, I swear she is nothing short of amazing. You'll have to come over and meet her, she's supposed to come over later. If all goes well I might not be the girl-less wonder. I'll keep you updated. Can you come over later?...Maybe 6ish?
My heart sank, and I felt sick. I knew that I said I couldn't be with him, but the mention of someone else almost killed me. I made up my mind to go over, just to make sure this chick was okay.
At 5 I was digging through my closet, searching for something, anything. I didn't know what the hell to wear. What says 'I love you...but your new girlfriend is just GREAT.'?
I settled on a pair of white/black/grey plaid bondage pants, a nightmare before Christmas hoodie, and black and white chucks. I brushed my hair flat and put on my makeup. I decided not to make tonight a fight so I grabbed my crutches and went to my car, getting in and driving to Gerards house, to meet a chick that I already decided not to like. I guess now would not be a great time to tell Gerard that I was having second thoughts about this friendship thing.