Categories > Books > Harry Potter

Harry Potter and the Deathly Spoilers

by Claxlan 3 Reviews

Harry, Ron, and Hermione react to rumors about book 7 while Voldemort tries to spoil their fun.

Category: Harry Potter - Rating: PG - Genres: Humor,Parody - Characters: Harry,Hermione,Ron,Voldemort - Warnings: [!] - Published: 2007/08/15 - Updated: 2007/08/16 - 1280 words - Complete

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY SPOILERS

LAW & ORDER VOICEOVER- In the world of fan written parodies there are two separate yet unequal camps. There are the well written parodies, full of comical details and well researched jests at the original source material, and then there are short dialog driven scenes, usually written spur of the moment in about a hour that use attempts at quick witty humor to attempt to entertain you. Guess what this is.
*
HERMIONE- Hey Harry, hey Ron
HARRY- Hi Hermione, why do you sound so down?
HERMIONE- I heard a nasty rumor today about book 7.
HARRY- Well I can’t say that I’m surprised. With the release of the last book just around the corner, everyone is placing their bets on who lives and who dies.
RON- I heard a rumor that Hermione and me are going to get it on! I like that rumor!
HARRY- Eeehh…sure Ron, you keep telling yourself that. So Hermione, what was this rumor that you heard?
HERMIONE- I over heard a bunch of guys saying that I’m going to die in the final book.
HARRY- Oh no! That’s awful! It can’t be true!
RON- Hermione, you can’t die! If you die, I’ll die a virgin!
HARRY- If you die, whose sharp intellect can we rely on to get us out of a pinch?
RON- And who will keep me from dying a virgin!
HARRY- What about all the broken hearted fans?
RON- What about me dying a virgin!
HARRY- And then there is the dark tone that it would bring to the book.
RON- And then there’s me dying a virgin!
HARRY- And what about the message that that would send to little kids?
RON- And what about the message that that would send to redhead sidekicks who die virgins!
HARRY- Ron…
RON- Die a virgin!
HARRY- Ron.
RON- Die a virgin!
HARRY- Ron!
RON- Die a virgin!
HARRY- RON! SHUT THE HELL UP! THERE IS A HIGH PERCENTAGE CHANCE THAT THAT WILL HAPPEN ANYWAY!
HERMIONE- I think that we all need to calm down. After all, it’s just a rumor.
HARRY- Hermione is right. I mean look at all the rumors that were proven false. I mean did you hear that one where they were going to tie Dr. Doom’s origin to the Fantastic Four’s and give him organic armor and crappy electrical powers?
HERMIONE- Um Harry…about that…
HARRY- Or that they would give Superman a kid?
HERMIONE- Harry, I hate to be the one to tell you this…
HARRY- Or that Cyclops would die after 2 minutes of screen time?
HERMIONE- Oh boy…
HARRY- Or that Sandman is the real killer of Uncle Ben?
HERMIONE- Um…(how do I break this to him lightly?)
HARRY- I mean most of the rumors you hear are just rubbish anyway! Oh, what were you trying to say a moment ago Hermione?
HERMIONE- NOTHING!
VOLDEMORT- HERE’S VOLDY!
HARRY- Oh look, It's he-who-failed-to-kill-me-five-times
VOLDEMORT- You dare insult me?
HARRY- Look, face it man, you don't scare me anymore. You can't even take candy from a baby for Merlin's sake!
VOLDEMORT- By "take candy from" you mean "kill" right
HARRY- Yeah.
VOLDEMORT- Just making sure.
HARRY- So what brings you here.
VOLDEMORT- I’m here to finally defeat you Harry Potter, using the most powerful weapon ever! BEHOLD!
HARRY- What’s that?
VOLDEMORT- The most power weapon one can use against Harry Potter or his legion of fans! BOOK 7 SPOILERS!
HARRY- NO! YOU CAN’T DO THAT! THAT WOULD TAKE ALL THE JOY AND SURPRISE OUT OF READING IT! THIS IS THE MOST EVIL THING YOU’VE EVER DONE!
HERMIONE- What about killing your parents?
HARRY- Oh yeah, that too.
HERMIONE- And killing Cedric, giving the orders to kill Dumbledore, starting the Second Wizarding War…
RON- Kicking puppies…
HERMIONE- Causing global warming, assassinating Lincoln, destroying peoples trust in government…
RON- Punching orphans with polio…
HERMIONE- Creating the One Ring, blowing up Alderaan, breaking up the Beatles…
HARRY- Really? All those things…
RON- And on top of that he’s trying to make me die a virgin!
VOLDEMORT- YOU KNOW I HAVE AN AVADA KEDAVRA WITH YOUR NAME ON IT!?!?
RON- I’ll be good!
VOLDEMORT- Now Harry, the beginning of the end commences!
HARRY- NO!
VOLDEMORT- Dumbledore is alive!
HARRY- What!?!?!?
VOLDEMORT- Snape is good!
HARRY- That’s impossible!
VOLDEMORT- You’re a Horcrux!
HARRY- No!
VOLDEMORT- Hedwig and Buckbeak will get married!
HARRY- What!
VOLDEMORT- Malfoy will die after being pelted with a rubber ducky!
HARRY-O.K…
VOLDEMORT- Slughorn is actually the Stay-Puft-Marshmallow Man!
HARRY- Um…
VOLDEMORT- The Death Eaters will be defeated by Ewoks!
HARRY- O.K. stop. You have got to be $&#%ing me.
VOLDEMORT- I’m just reading the card.
HARRY- But those all suck!
VOLDEMORT- So they do!
RON- Excuse me, does it say anything about me dying a virgin?
HARRY- You know if you want to kill him or Cruciatus curse him I’m not going to stop you.
VOLDEMORT- Actually I think letting him live is torture enough.
RON- WHY IS EVERYONE MAKING FUN OF ME!
HARRY- Because the writer doesn’t like you.
*
WRITER- Actually I don’t hate Ron per se, I just find him fairly annoying and pretty useless…O.K. I hate him
VOICEOVER- This breaking of the fourth wall was brought to you by Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes. And now, back to the story!
*
HARRY- So Hermione, what was your royalty check for the Order of the Phoenix movie.
HERMIONE- 50 Gs
HARRY- Nice, I’m gonna go to the club down the street and make it rain. What…back already! Where’s my line…here we go…But those can’t be true. Those are terrible!
VOLDEMORT- Look in your heart Harry, you know it is true!
HERMIONE- But think of the fan backlash!
HARRY- And the negative reviews!
HERMIONE- And the bad word of mouth!
RON- And me dyi…
HARRY- RON, IF YOU FINISH THAT SENTENCE I’M GONNA CONJURE UP A CAN OF WHOOP-ASS TO OPEN!
HERMIONE-Well we should just ignore all of those. I mean it couldn’t end that way. A great and beloved saga could never end that disappointingly.
*
DARTH VADER- Where’s Padmé? Is she O.K.?
PALPATINE- Actually Darth, it seems that in your anger you killed her. That and the cheap-ass death of Mace Windu, General Grievous being lame, and the repeated use of the word “younglings”.
DARTH VADER- NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PALPATINE- You know what’s funny, you managed to show more emotion in that one overblown “no” than Jake Lloyd and Hayden Christensen managed to show in all three prequels.
*
HARRY-…
RON-…
HERMIONE-…
VOLDEMORT-…
HERMIONE- GET OUT OF THE SERIES WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!!
*
WRITER- Hey guys. I know that we had a lot of fun here making fun of all the crazy rumors surrounding Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. However I’d like to take this moment to talk about a serious issue, wand backfire. Every year countless wands backfire bringing frightening and dangerous results to the wizard casting the spell.
RON- I know from experience!
WRITER- Did I say you could speak?
RON- No sir.
WRITER- Exactly, now go back to your corner.
RON- Yes sir.
WRITER- So I’m pleading you to do all that you can to prevent these tragedies from ever happening again. Get your wand inspected annually. Thank you all, and good night.
*
DARTH VADER- Emperor, your Death Star design is flawless, but I have an issue with this 1-meter wide thermal exhaust port.
PALPATINE- Oh come on Darth, what’s the worst that could happen?
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