I think, therfore I exist.
The first thought that crossed my mind was that he's going to be a run away bride, but then I chuckled at myself because no matter how much he loved boas, he can't be a bride, but what if he regretted and didn't want to go through with this but doesn't have the heart to say and would run away to another state so I wouldn't find him.
Chills went through my spine of the thought of never seeing him again, of knowing he doesn't love me.
It was the first time in years that I realized how much Gerard meant to me, his laugh, his voice, his happiness meant the world to me.
the thought of never seeing him again made me feel sick to my stomach.
It made me appreciate him more, I've known him for years and I never ever thought of him not being there.
He was always Gerard way, the one that will always be there, Mikey's trusted brother, the guy I was crushing on, the guy that used to pull my hair really hard, the guy who played Peter Pan but most of all he was the guy I always knew would always be there and now he's running away to another state because he doesn't want to marry me, tears welled up in my eyes, it's so unfair.
I sobbed and looked at the crucifix, I wonder what god thinks about me being here.
Is god really there or he's just another men's invention, I stared at it and it began to move, did Jesus just smiled at me? Fuck, I was so drunk!
What would Mikey think? He'll kill me for doing this, then he'll kill me for doing this without him.
And the rest of the guys? Frank would understand, he became a hopeless romantic since Janet walked into his life, but how about the others? They would see this as betrayal.
And Bob? Oh I could just picture him speaking in his calm, ever sleepy voice, "You're doing the biggest mistake of your life and I'm not invited?".
And Ray? What would he say? He would understand eventually but running away to get married without telling them is not something friends do, it's not something they'll do to us, ever. Are we really that fucked up like Mikey and Bob seems to think?
I turned to look at the exit like it had the answers to the thoughts running wild in my head.
Maybe I should leave? Knock some sense into Gerard?
But I didn't want to leave, it wasn't a mistake, I just wanted my friends there with me.
Will it change a lot? Will I feel different?
Would I be able to goof off with Frank? Fuck up Bob's brain? Be best friend with Mikey? Tell him secrets? Gossip like two school girls?
I missed Mikey, life caught up with us, we still were best friends but with a twist.
They weren't in town most of the time anyway, and when they did, it wasn't the same.
It hurt me so much, he was busy with his life, I was busy with mine and only the shadow of friendship that we used to have hung over our heads.
We had more than a friendship, we had a bond. Had? Do we still have it?
I would trust him with my life but did it count?
The alcohol and the emotions overwhelmed me, I felt like running away.
What about Amy and Ali, they're going to be pissed for not being bridesmaids or helping picking out the dresses but I'm not wearing one, I'm getting married, half drunk, in my jeans and coat.
And my mother? I never wanted her at my wedding, she would ruin everything as usual but she'll probably disown me or something.
Mikey's face kept popping in my head, I'm betraying him, and Gerard's betraying him, he'll hate us forever for not inviting him.
Tears kept streaming down my face, I wanted Mikey there.
Gerard came back, carrying a brown paper bag with him, he saw me crying and dumped it on the floor, rushing to me.
"I want Mikey", I wailed.
He stiffened, "What do you mean?".
"I want him to be my best man", I sobbed hard into Gerard's coat.
"He can't be your best man, sweetie", he tried to calm me down.
"Why not?", I wiped my eyes on the collar of his shirt.
"Cause brides don't have best men", he chuckled softly.
"We're betraying him", a fresh stream of tears broke through.
"We're not, he'll understand", he wiped away my tears with his thumbs, "OK?".
I nodded, sniffling.
"Now let's roll", he picked up the brown paper bag and placed it in my lap, "Go to the back room and come back when you're ready".
"What is it?", I peeked in the paper bag.
"Useful wedding stuff, now go", he kissed my forehead and went away again.
the back room was a small room, it had a mirror and a little sofa and a chair.
this is where brides get ready for the rest of their lives, I mused.
In the movies they always have mothers, sisters, aunts and friends around them, doing their hair, fluffing up their snow white dresses and laughing and crying and giggling.
I sat down on the sofa and let my head fall to my hands, they're never alone as I am.
But I wouldn't ever be alone again, Gerard would be there forever.
Mikey's face kept popping up, but he smiled now and I smiled at him, was it a blessing?
I opened the bag to find a vail, and fresh flowers.
I retouched my make up, after all the crying I looked like a zombie with huge eyeliner circles around my eyes and red stains on my face. I brushed my long hair, it looked a mess, the wind did wonders to it, and not in a good way.
I put on the vail and smelled the flowers.
I smiled at my reflection in the mirror, I couldn't believe I'm actually here tonight, who would've thought this is where I'll be tonight.
I took a deep breath and walked out of the little room.
At the end of the long aisle, stood Gerard wearing a blazer jacket, he smiled nervously to me, he knew I was unpredictable, he knew I could run away any minute now and he knew that thought crossed my mind tonight.
I never stopped to think how he feels, did he thought about running away too? Maybe the thought crossed his mind exactly at the same time it crossed mine.
He looked happy, nervous but happy, I know it cause he doesn't wear that expression very often, did he honestly think I could make him happy?
I felt guilty for thinking about running away cause the minute his eyes met mine, I knew it didn't even occur to him to run away.
Old priest stood next to him, holding a bible, he smiled to me too, holy shit, here we go!
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