A compilation of generic 'ideas' mixed together with a flair! Laughter enough to get you yelled at by the nicest teacher at school awaits you if you bother to read this story! Features the Army of ...
~Dunvi, Sethy-Wethy-Poo's sister and acting-lawyer
If you hate it, direct all insults towards Seth (see? I stopped calling you Sethy-Wethy-Poo! Now stop poking me!) and not Dunvi.
Ron: Harry Potter went for a walk on the Gryffindor tower.
Hermione: You idiot! smacks him He didn't go for a walk on the Gryffindor tower, he went for a walk OFF the Gryffindor tower!!
Ron: How can you walk off the tower? Wouldn't you fall?
Hermione: You idiot! smacks him on the other side of the face That's what he's trying to do!
Ron: Ha ha, Harry's high on Felix Felicis again, isn't he?
Hermione: You idiot! doubly bitch-slaps him He's not high, he's suicidal!
Ron: Oh. I thought he got over that after the fifth book.
Hermione: Argh! exeunt
Ron: Hermy's hot.
Ron: Hermy makes me want to do naughty things even though I am as sexually adept as Grawp.
Ron: Wait, no one's answering me. Where's Harry?
Harry: Alas, sallow-eyed misery follows me dutifully like Colin Creevey's camera. Woe is the day that I did maketh my way into Draco Malfoy as an eel doth slide into its cave, that I was ere pressed against the wall by the white hands of the most greasy Professor Snape, that I did bed Ginny, the sister of my dearest comrade, the dim-witted Ronald Weasley, thrice after vespers, that I did placate my eternal lust with the two Patils, aye, both, and that I did plant my many pallid seeds in Hermione, having thus drunk of the fearsome polyjuice potion and assumed the visage of my beloved Ron, whose torso my lusty legs have wrapped around many a time as I did moan with pleasure! And yet, (throwing an arm over his beautiful, emerald green, tear-filled eyes) I am never to be satisfied. I am doomed to a wretched existence as a cheap male prostitute at Azkaban to get all the arse I so desperately need!
Harry: (drops arm) Hermione, do you think I'm fat?
Dumbledore: Harry, you and I will now have a long and meaningful discussion through which we will theorize on the true nature of Lord Voldemort and the ways with which he can be destroyed.
Harry: Gosh, Professor Dumbledore, that was really informative. (pauses) Wait, aren't you supposed to be dead?
Bellatrix: My Lord, let me lick the chewing gum off your shoes! Let me sacrifice my ovaries to your Infinite Darkness! Let me scrub the engine of your Voldy-mobile with the hairs of my unworthy shins!
Lord Voldy: No.
Bellatrix: PLEASE! I must prove my faithfulness, my loyalty, my infatuation! I must be your BFF!!
Lord Voldy: Fine. Get me a gelato.
Ron: I'm bored. I want to shag you.
Hermione: You know what, Ron?
Hermione: You are as shallow as a vacuum-sealed Ziploc bag.
Ron: So... can I shag you then?
JKR: Dammit. This book really doesn't seem to be living up to its standards. It is lacking in plot. (chugs expresso)
H/H Shippers: If you say you lied and Harry Potter is meant to be with Hermione because they are the cutest and cuddliest couple in the entire universe we won't hack your hands off with rusty chainsaws! Promise!
H/D Shippers: lets be honest, Potter was stalking Malfoy! It has to mean something!
S.P.E.W.: Liberate the elves!
Orlando Bloom's Fan-club: Elves? Are they blond?
Pope Benedict XVI: Silence, children of God! I have an even better idea: DENOUNCE YOUR UNHOLY SATANIC WRITINGS OF BASE WITCHCRAFT AND SAVE YOUR SOUL FROM THE BEAST!
JKR: Oh, I know! I'm going to write a showdown between Harry and Voldy! I knew I was forgetting something! (chugs java latte)
Harry: Alas wast the day that my belov'd, sage old mentor died! All those I hath turn'd to in my hours of need art lost, wand'ring the world beyond whilst I am left to fight the evil of cold reality. I feel so alone... but 'tis my destiny, I must go forth into the fray by myself. From now on...I walk alone.
MY SHADOW'S THE ONLY THING THAT WALKS BESIDE ME!! MY SHALLOW HEART'S THE ONLY THING THAT'S BEATING!! SOMETIMES I WISH SOMEONE OUT THERE WILL FIND ME!! TILL THEN I WALK ALONE!!!!!!!!!!
Ron: That's right! And I'm coming with you!
Hermione: You idiot! Slaps Ron and kisses him better How can you possibly help Harry? He needs my intellect!
Neville: And my terminal clumsiness!
Luna: And my permanent crack-headedness! inhales hahaha, look at the clouds...
Ginny: And my nightly 'pick-me-ups'!
Order of the Phoenix: You need us because it's our job! If we don't come with you, we don't get a paycheck!
Gryffindor: Let us come because we are brave!
Ravenclaw: Us too! We're smart!
Hufflepuff: How come you never include us? It's not FAIR!
Harry: I SAID ALONE!!!
Harry: (followed by all the good characters, collectively known as the Army of Virtue) Right, here we are in Voldemort's -
Ron: NO!! (dies of a heart attack)
Harry: - secret lair. Alright, Ron, stop being dead or I'll make out with your sister within the five mile limit. Again.
Ron: Fine, be that way!
Harry: We seem to be nearing a huge silver bowl.
Army of Virtue: Oooh! Look at all the candy! (they grapple for it)
Harry: Stop! This candy does not belong to us! It has been stolen from babies all over the world! But look at the bowl itself! It has the Ravenclaw crest on it! This must be the fifth horcrux! That's right! I am in fact capable of logical thought! And look! There's the locket! And look! There's the Snake! Hi Snakey!
Harry: Now I will destroy these horcruxes!
Harry: Wow, that was definitely the most trying test of courage and skill I have ever accomplished! What danger did I experience! What lessons of morals and conscience have I learned!
Lord Voldy: Hello Harry... and all you, uh, other people.
Army of Virtue: IT'S LIGHTS OUT FOR THE DARK LORD!!
Lord Voldy: (rolls eyes and kills them all instantly)
Lord Voldy: Now, Harry, you and I will now duel to the death!
Lord Voldy: Shit. (he dies)
Harry: I won! What an unexpected turn of events!
JKR: Ugh, I'm bored! This climatic scene just doesn't seem to have the emotional punch! I will now re-write it. (chugs cappachino)
Lord Voldy: Now that I have you in my non-moisturized grip, I will unleash my secret weapon!
Harry: What? Another one?
Lord Voldy: That's right, Boy-Who-Lived-in-Vain!
Harry: Shit! What is it?
Lord Voldy: It is the dreaded DOT DOT DOT... MONOLOGUE!!! (Beethoven's 5th symphony plays in the background)
Harry: The legendary villainous monologue despis'd by all discerning readers that doth maketh our heads heavy and our eyelids droop, that doth lay miserable waste to all the expertise and diligence thus applied by the author, having lost her mind, and mayhap her soul?
Lord Voldy: Uh, okay then.
Harry: Heavenly Father! Forgive me my sins!
Lord Voldy: Now I will begin -
Lord Voldy: Hey, shut up! It's my turn to speak! You didn't raise your hand! (clears throat) Harry Potter, long have I awaited this fateful day. Long have I waited for the moment that I would fulfill the prophecy! Through your death, my conquest will be absolute and I will have reign over both wizard and muggle! Ever since I was a little boy I knew I was different. I knew I had power unlike that of any mere mortal... (transition into oral autobiography)
Harry: The agony! Why can't you just rape me or something?
Lord Voldy: And now, Harry, I will destroy you -
Bellatrix: My Lord! I have brought you your gelato! May I sacrifice my ovaries to you now?
Lord Voldy: What? NO! Go away, I'm busy.
Bellatrix: Wait, My Lord, I have a confession to make!
Lord Voldy: (glare) what?
Bellatrix: I love you.
Lord Voldy: You remind me of my mother. Kill yourself with a spoon.
Bellatrix: NOOO!!! I neeeeed you, My Lord! I killed my husband and ate him in your name! I sacrificed black goats to the goddess of fertility! I robbed Gringotts in order to obtain money for a wedding ring! Here it is - now you can propose to me and make all my dreams come true!
Lord Voldy: Some people think I'm scary.
Bellatrix: Me too! See? We have so much in common! Please make my dreams come true?
Lord Voldy: NEVER!! Right, back to the Boy-Who-Won't-Live-For-Long - Hey, where did he go?
Harry: (running back from the local NRA (National Rifle Association) carrying a hunting rifle) HA! I can't believe I never thought of this before!
Harry: (shoots Lord Voldy)
Lord Voldy: Shit. (he dies)
Bellatrix: MY BELOVED!!! (commits sepukku)
Harry: I won! What an unexpected turn of events!
Harry: (sitting next to two coffins labeled 'Ron' and 'Hermione') I'm ever so pleased that we saved the world!
Ex-Hermione: Us too!
Ex-Ron: You were bloody brilliant!
Harry: Although I am rather miffed you two died in the attempt.
Ex-Ron: Yeah, kinda sucks.
Ex-Hermione: But that's alright! Love conquers all and friendship is all you need.
Ex-Ron: And sex.
Ex-Hermione: (rotting hand pops out her coffin and slaps Ron's)
~Written by Seth
Next Time - It's finally over. Or is it? Something happens to Harry, and next thing we will know, Chaos may reign! Cross your fingers and hope that Seth agrees to write more of her humour!
Sirius: What kind of father are you, James?
James: (wails) Where have I gone wrong!?
Harry: ... You DIED.