Sephiroth goes to extreme lengths to get some action and has to deal with the consequences.
Notes: I like Cloud as well as yaoi and shounen-ai, so any 'bashing' in this fic is strictly for humorous effect.
Warnings: This fic contains dirty euphemisms left and right, some Cloud-bashing, light m/m content, total loss of dignity for Sephiroth and overall, no redeeming qualities whatsoever.
The Pursuit of Pleasure
Stage One: Desire
It was a dark and cloudless night. Hey, they can't all be stormy and if this particular one had been, most likely nothing would have happened in the first place. Anyway, it was a dark and cloudless night.
It was a Cloudless night too for Aeris and Sephiroth, who having finally admitted their deep, undying, animal attraction for each other, had decided to get their freaks on, as the saying goes. Planning the horizontal aerobics session proved a bit more difficult than they expected, since Aeris was currently traveling with a certain unsavory specimen of Cumulus who wanted nothing more than to rain on Sephiroth's parade. No doubt his picnic in Aeris' lawn would warrant the same treatment.
As it was, Aeris snuck out of camp, careful to avoid detection by the aforementioned Cumulus, to meet her man on a flat expanse behind some shrubbery. In anticipation of the night's limb mingling, Sephiroth had spread his coat as a makeshift mattress and set several flares up in order to create an atmosphere of something remotely resembling romance.
They fell instantly into each other's arms and after a two-minute attempt at the supposedly prerequisite foreplay, they were both stripped down and ready to do the dirty work. Sephiroth leaned over Aeris, eager for what she offered, but as he did so, she looked down and frowned at him. He froze, but kept grinning. Women often were alarmed at the size of the pipe he had to lay. It was no surprise.
"Don't worry," he said. "I'll be gentle." He leaned in again but Aeris put both hands against his chest and pushed him away. "What's the matter?" he asked. "Changed your mind."
"No," Aeris said, "but aren't you going to wrap that thing?"
Sephiroth looked confused. "Wrap it?"
"Yes, Sephiroth. Wrap it in rubber, put on a raincoat, you know."
Sephiroth frowned, then gave her the classic puppy look. Since he was over six feet tall, buck naked and evil, it did not look too convincing on him, but he tried anyway. "Come on, baby, you can trust me. Tonight is supposed to be special. I want to feel everything."
Aeris pushed him off and frowned at him. "Oh no you don't, Bub. I've heard that line before. Either dress to impress or send the little guy home for the night."
Sephiroth immediately realized two things. First, he would have to wrap the wiener if he wanted to get some tail that night and second, Aeris had dared to call Mr. Masamune a 'little guy'. Since Sephiroth was a man who counted pride as a priority, he opted to defend his honor first.
"What the hell do you mean 'little'?" He roared. "And where the hell have you heard any 'line' before too?"
Aeris rolled her eyes at him. "Oh, please! You're not the first man I've let stroke the kitty, if that's what you were hoping, and, yes, your one-eyed soldier is fairly impressive, but I've seen bigger."
Sephiroth was furious. He leaned back on his knees and yelled, "Who the hell could possibly beat this magnificent specimen?" The organ in question wagged up and down in agreement with him.
Aeris rolled her eyes again. "My first boyfriend. I think you knew him. His name was Zack."
Sephiroth's face fell and so did Mr. Masamune. "That is so unfair," he whimpered. "I had bigger feet and everything." Mr. Masamune wagged again and flopped down.
Aeris felt a bit bad about her outburst now. If Sephiroth wasn't in the mood anymore, she would not be getting to the Promised Land tonight. "Come on, now. It's not the size of the ship that matters. It's the motion in the ocean, right?" Sephiroth shrugged. Aeris leaned over and touched his shoulder. "You know," she whispered as she trailed a hand down the man's back. "I've always heard no one could match your skill with a sword."
Mr. Masamune bobbed up and down in agreement. Sephiroth grinned. "Damn straight! Let's get it on!" He pushed Aeris back to the ground. She rolled her eyes at him again.
"Seph? You remember our original problem?"
The man froze. "Right. Rubber. You got one?"
Aeris frowned. "No. Don't you?"
"Hey, it's been a while." Sephiroth looked around.
In the town called Perfect, prophylactics grow on shrubbery so that no Don Juan should ever be caught in an indelicate position unprepared, but Sephiroth and Aeris were nowhere near Perfect at the time. Sephiroth sighed.
Considering that Aeris had once bumped uglies with Zack, of all people, he figured that the situation really did warrant either sheathing his sword or polishing it himself for the night. "I guess I better go get something. Wait here for me." He stood and grabbed his pants. "I'll be back as soon as I can." And so the man wandered out of the field into the closest town in search of a pharmacy that was still open that time of night.
It did not take too long to find one, given that the building was so lit up inside that it glowed. Sephiroth stood nearly blind in the entrance as the doors slid closed behind him. It had been quite a while since he had done anything like this. If he had been any younger, he might have blushed. As it was, he slunk all the way to the back of the store, hoping that he could avoid notice.
There was a fairly long line at the counter and Sephiroth found himself standing behind a redhead with headphones in his ears. Sephiroth counted his lucky stars that nobody seemed to be paying attention. Luck was not with him though. The redhead turned around in the middle of a dance move.
Of course, it was none other than that degenerate Turk, Reno. The man took his headphones off. "Sephy-boy! What are you doing here?" Sephiroth glared at him but Reno had never been one to be put off by a simple look. "Seriously, Sephiroth, what are you doing here at this time of night. And topless too."
Sephiroth frowned. "None of your business. What are you doing here?"
Reno grinned. "What else is a man going to be doing in the back of a pharmacy at this time of night, eh?" He winked and nudged Sephiroth. "That's it, isn't it? Who's the girl?"
"None of your business!" Sephiroth yelled.
"Okay, okay. It's your secret. I can respect that." Reno grinned again and turned away. Sephiroth only had time for half a sigh of relief before Reno turned around again. "Is it a guy?"
Sephiroth spluttered. "It's not a guy!"
"Really? I thought you were screwing that blond kid, Cloud."
Sephiroth glared. "Why the hell would you think a thing like that? I'm screwing WITH him, not screwing him! There's a difference. I don't do guys and even if I did, I'd have more taste than to fuck that one!"
Reno shrugged. "Hey, if you want to confine yourself to one gender it's fine by me. And watch your language. There's womenfolk behind you." He put his headphones back on and resumed swaying to the beat.
Sephiroth turned around. Two old ladies, one in a pink sweater and one in blue, had joined the line behind him. They both looked up hurriedly as he spun around. The swordsman glanced at the ground around him but he could not find what they had been looking at. He turned his back on them warily. Something about the way their glasses glinted under the fluorescent lights was, for the lack of a more sophisticated term, downright creepy.
Reno was still happily dancing. Sephiroth's eyes widened at the way the redhead's hips wiggled. As the line moved forward, all the hints and signs that the swordsman had never paid too much attention to before began to coagulate in his mind.. Was Reno...?
His suspicions were confirmed when Reno got up to the counter. The old man behind it apparently recognized the Turk. "I got your usual right here, sir," he said.
"Thanks, Henry!" Reno reached into his pants. "Aw, man, I forgot my wallet! Could you hold this for me. I'll just run out to the car and borrow the cash from my boyfriend."
"No problem," Henry said. "Just hurry back. I know he doesn't like to be kept waiting."
"Boyfriend?" Sephiroth asked.
"Yeah, boyfriend," Reno replied. "I know, I know. You can't believe Randy Raunchy Reno is actually going steady."
"Boyfriend?" Sephiroth repeated.
"Don't tell me you hadn't figured it out."
Sephiroth said nothing. Reno smirked. "Rather dense of you, overall. It's not like I tried to hide it. But then I always did say you soldier-boys are thicker than most." He gave the swordsman a glance below the belt that left the man feeling distinctly uncomfortable.
"Can I help you, sir?" Henry asked.
Sephiroth stumbled up to the counter. "Give me, um, uh..." He almost turned pink. He knew what he wanted but could not bring himself to say the word.
"Some...?" Henry prompted.
Sephiroth took a breath and tried again. "I need c...co..."
"Cotton balls?" Henry asked. "They're in aisle four."
The swordsman shook his head. "No, no, I mean, I need a box of co...con..."
"Contact lenses? What's your brand?"
Sephiroth groaned and slumped forward onto the counter. This tongue-tied embarrassment was ridiculous for a man of his age and experience. The two old ladies tittered behind him.
"We know what he needs," one of them said. They tittered some more.
Henry threw his arms up. "You girls better help me out then. I'm not sure what he wants."
"Oh, Henry," said the one in the pink sweater. "You always were dense about this, even when you were his age."
"Think about it, Henry," the one in blue piped up. "He's here at this hour, he's in a hurry and he's got no shirt on."
"Not to mention he's in the finest pair of leather pants this side of Midgar."
Henry scratched his grey head. Sephiroth stood up slowly. His face turned sixteen different shades of red, not that he cared, since the only shade of red he had ever been interested in was 'blood'. He stared helplessly at the clueless elderly gent behind the counter, then tried once more.
"I need...I need..." The shame was too much. He tried to gather his nerve, but was interrupted by the distinct feel of wiry fingers pinching his behind. He whipped around to confront the wizened, nosy old bag who had dared to test the firmness of his prize-winning gluteus maximus. The glint in her eyes scared him silent.
"Don't sweat it, honey. Let Mama Irene take care of this for you." The grey-haired lady in the pink sweater pushed him aside. "Henry, get the boy some love gloves! The kind with the zap."
"Zap?" Sephiroth could not have looked more worried if he tried.
"You know, zap, stuff that kills your swimmers." The blue-sweatered lady nudged his arm. "That's the whole reason you're here isn't it? So you won't get some girl knocked up."
Sephiroth turned three more shades of red and two of purple. He caught his reflection in Mama Irene's glasses and was absolutely horrified. He was beginning to look like a rather fine berry, with his pale hair like whipped cream on top. Fortunately, thoughts of whipped cream reminded him of the pretty naked girl he had left in the field and he glared at Henry with strengthened resolve.
"One box of extra large condoms, please," he requested, with no hint of a stammer or a stutter. However, his newly regained courage was not to last long.
"I told you he was a big one, Ethel!" Mama Irene declared.
The old hag in the blue sweater did not seem impressed. "I never said he wasn't big, just that there are some who are bigger."
Sephiroth slumped forward onto the counter in shame again.
"Hurry it up back there, Henry!" Irene yelled. "A girl doesn't stay young forever!"
"Here you go!" Henry dropped the long-awaited box into a brown paper bag, apparently as eager for the ordeal to be over as Sephiroth was. "That'll be twelve gil."
Sephiroth reached into his pants pocket. There was nothing there. "Oh damn! I put my wallet in my coat and the coat's under the girl."
Irene and Ethel tittered some more. Henry rolled his eyes at the sky. "Just do like your friend did, then. Run on over and get it. I'm not going anywhere tonight."
The swordsman was in no mood to make useless trips back and forth and to be honest, the field was quite a distance away from the town of Not-Perfect. Fortunately, Sephiroth possessed the unnatural ability to call on his belongings to appear whenever he needed them.
He stood straight and stiff and focused all his will for a moment, envisioning the precise location of the desired object. He sent forth a flash of power and felt the surge that meant success. The power subsided and he smiled, waiting for the item to appear.
Masamune landed hilt first on his back and sent him tumbling to the floor.
"Oh, honey, are you alright?" Irene bent down to help him up. "That certainly is a very big sword. Where did it come from?"
Sephiroth picked up the weapon and glared at it. He had asked for his wallet, not his weapon. Sometimes it seemed that both his swords had minds of their own. He pulled himself up. "It's mine."
"Hmph," Ethel grunted. "You know what they say about men who need big weapons."
Sephiroth whirled on her. "I am NOT compensating for anything!"
"That so?" She eyed him speculatively. "Prove it."
"What?" Sephiroth began to doubt his hearing.
"Take off your pants, honey," Irene said, giggling all the while. Sephiroth was so furious that he might have begun turning red again if not for the fact that he felt more green at the moment.
"Ladies," Henry put in, "Might I remind you that the young man still has to pay for the merchandise?"
"Oh, hell, Henry," Irene barked. "He's got no money and there's a girl waiting. You don't want some poor girl getting in the family way over twelve gil, do you?"
"Well...," Henry considered the options.
"Tell you what, Henry," Ethel announced. "If this young man drops his pants and proves that he's as well-hung as he claims, I'll pay for the rubbers."
Irene grinned. "Good one, Ethel."
Henry sighed and Sephiroth stared at them as if they were a few eggs short of an omelet. "Uh..." Sephiroth said and looked at the old man, hoping for some testosterone-based support in this situation.
Henry did not look too optimistic. "I'm really not seeing too many options here."
Ethel and Irene grinned and the light reflected off their glasses with an almost-hellish glow.
"Take 'em off, boy. Show Mama the goods!"