....I watched you fall from grace as you repeatedly pushed yourself to show artificial devotion.
Never Far Behind
Oh, what a crime it is to watch from afar with envious eyes. It’s insufferable how sickly sweet and endearing the two of you are. Yes, I won’t deny the mutual passion that’s furnished between your hearts. Far from cherishing it, but I do admit that you’re better off with her. I can’t provide you with everything you require. She’s beaten me on every level of bringing you pure bliss. She’s far more perfect than you have ever dreamed and far more than, I have ever dreaded.
I could hand over my whole soul but she’ll discover a way to outdo my every attempt of claiming your heart. If I were to collapse and break down to nothing more than a pile of limbs and bones you would look me over with terrified eyes and turn away wrapping your arms protectively around her. My grasp was weak and insecure; and oh she knew. She twisted you out of view with egotistical eyes as you became absorbed in her very presence.
I assume it’s okay for the others to be blind about your new pleasure. Do you honestly think I enjoy the resentment I have towards your happiness? How I yearn to undergo the delight the others do. I’ve seen you search my eyes, trying to find gratification somewhere within them. It destroys me to watch your eyes fall with disenchantment and frustration. You blame yourself for my displeasure and failed attempts to accept her.
Too long, I failed to acknowledge the false pretense of your affection. Sure you had developed a fondness but I knew the reasoning. You despise defeat and will fight until your point is made clear. Your actions are no different than the ones before. But more than anything, you fear the chance of someone breaking your shield and coming out on top. There have been countless opportunities for me to enlighten her with your clandestine thoughts. Your lies are buried beneath your skin taking shelter from those outside. Break through the first delicate layer and the truth is uncovered.
There have been many, who were unsure or better yet convinced of your dare I say ‘sexuality’. You seem to have the need to confirm the fact that you’re not into searching for a relationship containing the same gender. More specifically me. You don’t say it but you never had to. Yet, if I’m not mistaken, you were the one who pulled off the first intimate act. Sure, it progressed into something deeper but you kept playing it off. We drank up the extra attention it seemed to give us and gave back to the audience the twisted reality they had gotten us into. Varieties of questions arose as well as curiosity being piqued. No such acts occurred off stage but, the intensity while performing was enough to keep lustful fantasies vibrant. I watched, as you held back, nervous of the outcomes of your actions. The pressure of it all had obviously boiled over because without warning, she was situated awkwardly into your arms.
Would it be too insulting to tell you what I honestly thought? I know you deeply crave my opinion with each brusque lie I give you. But I believe you already know the truth behind my silence. Blind as the others might be I know they’ve seen it too. The affection you give me onstage is your bribe to steal the words from my mouth. It would be only too easy for me to drown you in my judgment. Gradually you’d sink your way down to the bottom treading and hurling your arms about desperately hoping to reach the top. Those words I wish to speak are penetrating and far too forbidden even to think.
As for her, I hope she carries on her cunning and witty actions. They’ll come to a fall eventually. When she takes that plunge, it won’t be unexpected for you to simply watch her hit the ground and tremble with tears in both your eyes. You’ll know the reasons by then. The legitimacy of it all stands right before your piercing hazel eyes, in more than one place.
You’ve been captured on certain occasions watching from the side view with adoring eyes. See but you’ve already seen every twist and turn she makes. You’ve already watched someone play with every ounce of their heart and soul. She collapses to the stage floor, with sweat beating down her entire porcelain frame, incisive intakes of breath and adrenaline pumping wildly. That scene is all too familiar to be unique. It’s unforgettable, but it’s not matchless.
It’s claimed that many chose to hide behind the black liquid and white powder. Our appearance was merely for dramatic effect. It had a concept each and every time the shield was reapplied. We each had a signature mark representing our characters as we preformed for thousands, waiting and cheering in the stands. You pointed out those who decided to duplicate it or make different touches. Yet you gave her ultimate credit for her poor excuse of imitation. It went on unseen to gazing eyes not even bothering to give it a second glance. Again, it was all to familiar.
You seem to neglect the fact that you have chosen a lesser version of what you always had simply to assimilate with those surrounding. A petite replica that people will easily accept when introduced without contradicting. You moved with haste at the first pleading chance you were given. I watched you fall from grace as you repeatedly pushed yourself to show artificial devotion.
I’ve followed through with each mistake made and we each had changed simultaneously. As for now, you can catch a glimpse of the truth shinning in my eyes. You grasp the discovery with fascination etched into yours. Nevertheless, not far from your view, she stands waiting. You continue your way only this time timidly, crossing over the line that separates our bodies but never our cores. You consider my desires deceitful and selfish but I know you ache for it as well. The aspiration is what you conceal and the craving is excessive. You finally understand that I see it, fully aware of every aspect. But you’ve already crossed the line and she has you linked and embraced leaving no empty space. The gleam in your eyes flickers out and the insincere adoration is back in place.
Gerard, you can do better.