Love it, or leave it, you can't understand.. A pretty face, but you do so carry on...
Gerard told me to meet him there cause they wouldn't have time to stop by the flat, they're just passing through New York on their way to another show, so it's gonna be just a work visit.
He said I can just approach the guards, tell them my name and they'll let me in. So I did but the guards were not impressed. They actually smirked at me!
"I'm a friend of the band", I said to the huge guard number 1, he was the smirking ass.
"We're all friends of the band", guard number 2 said, he wore sunglasses and was a tiny bit nicer than the smirking ass, "But not every friend is allowed in.
"But Gerard told me I can enter", I was pretty desperate at this point, and it was really hot, "I'm his girlfriend".
"Me too", SA smirked .
"Derek!", dude 2 shot SA a look.
I guess this is how rumors are started.
Derek SA chuckled, "Look lady, you can't get in"
"Gerard said I can", I pouted.
"Well, Gerard is in sound check", dude 2 motioned on the huge doors, "He's busy. Come back tonight".
I rolled my eyes, dude 2 talked to me like I was an eager 5 year old who's whining about ice cream when she has a cold, "Look, I'm not a fanatic fan, I'm his girlfriend, he told me to come. I don't think he would be thrilled to know you kept me waiting".
"Look..What was your name? Scarlet? Sally? Whatever, no one is allowed to see the band right now", Derek SA crossed his big arms on his big belly. I upset him. I'm not sure if that was the right way to go, "Not girlfriends, not mothers, not even god! So go back to your friends", he waved to the nearest group of people hanging around the venue, "And come back tonight, if you have tickets, if not, I'm sure you can watch it on TV. In your house. Away from here".
"If only you could check your list", I said to dude2, he seemed reasonable, "I'm sure he put down my name".
"We don't have lists", dude2 shrugged, getting tired of me, "And he didn't mention any names".
I gritted my teeth in frustration, I flipped my phone open and speed dialled Gerard, then Mikey, then Frank, then Ray and Bob. Their phones were turned off.
I guess big and bigger were telling the truth, the guys were in sound check but fucking Gerard!
'Just tell them your name and they'll let you in'
'Are you sure?'
Yeah, fucking yeah!
"You shouldn't be that soft to them", I heard Derek SA say to his big buddy.
"Oh come on man, she just wanted to check out her favorite band", answered dude2.
I felt kinda humiliated, I wonder if that's how fans feel like all the time. Humiliated, not worth the band's time.
I sat on the curb, crossed my legs and waited. For what? I don't know, with this kind of treatment I should've just turned around and left.
Gerard forgot to mention my name? Coincidence? Yeah right, he's been acting like a dick ever since that I-forgot-the-wedding-date drama.
He forgot to call back, having short conversation, I couldn't reach him days at a time.
He's such a dick.
If I was going dick like on his ass every time he fucked up things between us...I would have to wear condoms by now!
Like the time he forgot my birthday...Or that time in high school when he sold me out to his gran, telling her it was I who licked way too much from the icing bowl for her cake...Or when he pulled my hair so hard it hurt for days...Or when he dared me to go to the woods and I got lost and almost got beaten by a crazy rabbit...Or when he planted that dead worm in my pencil case...No, that was actually Frank...But the point is, he's a dick!
It was so hot, I literally felt like the sun is fraying me.
Just then I heard something behind me, it was Bruce, the band's tattoo covered manager.
"Bru!", I exclaimed, standing up.
"Sky!", he smiled, "Gerard didn't say you're gonna come"
"Yeah, he didn't mention anything to these guys either", I jerked my head at big and bigger.
Bruce glanced at his clock, "Let's go, I'll walk you, they just finished the sound check".
I followed Bruce and beamed at big & bigger as I past them, they just looked embarrassed and I felt a little bit sorry for them. Just a little bit, but it's not their fault Gerard is a dick.
Bruce led me through a long dim corridor, telling me about his wife and the tour and his new tattoo.
I liked him a lot, he was the coolest guy ever and when Gerard or the other guys couldn't talk (Gerard for he's a dick and the others busy) he would spend hours on the phone with me, just ranting and rambling.
We stopped in front of a door, he knocked twice and pushed it open.
Frank and Ray sat on the leather sofa and Mikey and Gerard were huddled around the mini bar, "Hey"
Gerard looked up surprised like he's seeing me for the first time in his life. I guess he didn't think I'll manage to get past 'his' security.
I hugged and kissed Frank, Ray and Mikey before turning to stretch my hand at him, he looked me like I'm crazy.
"We're strangers now, right?", I held my hand outstretched.
"I missed you", he smacked my hand and pulled me for a hug.
"I'm pleased to hear", I wore my poker face.
"Drama queen much?", he cocked his eyebrow.
"You're the one to talk?", I cocked mine right back at him.
"I'm too tired for this shit", he threw his hands in the air and went to join Frank and Ray on the sofa, I followed him but crashed on Frankie instead, "Where's Bob?".
"He's handling some tech shit", Ray told me when I placed my legs on him and cuddled with Frankie.
Gerard gave me a look.
"Do you get any free time at all?", I nibbled on the pop tart Mikey offered me.
"A few hours before the show tonight", Ray still couldn't get over stealing my food. I swear it's some kind of a mental disorder, I could eat snails but he wanted it as long as I ate it, so he took a piece of my pop tart literally from my mouth. Gerard gave me another look.
"Wanna go shopping?", I gave Ray another piece of my pop tart, minus the drool this time, "I need some things from walmart for the tour".
Frank's eyes lit up like cheap candles, he adored walmart, it was his favorite store . Ever.
He went to one in every city they visited and never got tired of getting kicked out of them, by now they probably had his mug shot.
We used to love going there with Ray or Bob, doing shit and then make it look like they did it, and cracking up behind some shelf.
Ah, these were the days!
Ray elbowed Frank, Frank turned to stare at him, Ray raised his eyebrows and shook his head, motioning first at me then at Gerard and then nod.
Frank made a face then rolled his eyes. Ray answered him by shaking his head harder, finally Frankie nodded and looked down at his hands.
I was torn between the urge to laugh and roll my own eyes at Ray. He was so obvious.
"I'll go", Gerard tore his eyes from the silent conversation Ray and Frank were having.
Oh thank you your royal dickness, but I just nodded and smiled, calling your husband a dick gets your marriage nowhere nice, especially not walmart.
He smiled his Gerard special smile, it was my smile, he always smiled like that for me, ever since day one, he always reserved that smile for me.
I cracked up and climbed into his arms, crushing Ray on my way there.
Gerard wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin on my head.
We were talking about the tour I would be joining as a photographer assistent, They told me about the bands on the tour, I told them about the wacky crew.
I swear, the photographer I was assisting was a nut case, I didn't meet him in person but I talked to him on the phone like the only time I could reach him, He had a fake french accident.
OK, the man had a fake accent and he referred to himself in third body.
Oh and by the way his name was Fredrick. Yup, Fredrick the photographer.
But not everyone were insane, my colleague, the camera person assistent was like my best friend. Right after Gerard, Mikey, Frank, Ray, Bob, Amy, Billy, and Haley came Peter. My newest best friend.
And Alessa, the bass tech chick, was a rad chick. And Sophie, Alessa's best friend was awesome.
Bruce came back, I didn't even notice he left, "I'm sorry guys but I scheduled an interview in the last minute", he looked directly at Gerard. I looked directly at Gerard
"Does he have to?", Ray asked, locking looks with Gerard.
"Absolutely. And I need another one of you", he looked from Ray to Frank to Mikey to Gerard.
"Bob would do it", Mikey chipped in.
"You have 40 minutes", Bruce looked one last time at Gerard then winked at me and left.
Gerard sighed and kissed the top of my head.
"But I wanna shop", I whined.
"I can't go", he tighten his embrace around me.
"You can never go", I pouted.
"I have work to do", he sounded stiff.
"You always have work to do", I crossed my arms on my chest.
I swear it's all about his work, work work work, he never do anything fun anymore...Maybe it's fun for him but I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines watching him living his life.
"Skyler..", he sighed like he's really really tired.
"What Gerard?", I got up, "Tell me it's not true. Tell me it's not all your life now. Tell me I'm not on the 599th place in your life now".
"Umm..We'll go...Watch Bob", Ray muttered, getting up quickly and dragging Frank with him. Mikey followed them, shaking his head.
"Skyler", Gerard sighed again and rubbed his eyes, "Why does everything always has to be all about you? How come the minute I finally find what I like to do you get upset? Why can't you be happy for me?".
"I'm happy, Gerard", I looked down on my hands, "More than you know. And proud too but I wanna be part of your life"
He shut his eyes with this kinda 'I can do much more important shit with my life than having this conversation', "You're always part of my life but Sky...This is my life too and...I just don't have as much time as I used to have".
"Yeah, you can dump me with a drop of the hat", I was so annoyed I sounded like a bitch and a kid. I was really proud but I wanted him to be home sometimes, I missed him so much and when we were together he acted like such a dick.
"Fuck!", he exclaimed, "So I can't go shopping when you want me too. Big fucking deal! I don't ask you to drop classes just cause I'm in town cause I know you enjoy it and love it".
"You don't get it", I muttered.
"No I do!", he cried out, "For once not every fucking shit is about you and you can't fucking handle it!".
I stared at him.
"I swear Skyler, you've been giving me shit for everything and now that I finally found something I like you can't even give me a break", he avoided my gaze.
"You're a dick, Gerard", I was about to storm off like I always did.
I didn't like fighting with him so instead of being a grown up and talking the whole thing through I just stormed off on his ass and waited for him to come around and tell me how wrong he was and how much he loves me.
"Yeah, go ahead and walk out on me", he snapped, "Go cry to Frankie about how much pain I put you through and how I'm always wrong and don't deserve you. And when you hurt me it's like I get what I deserve and it's so unfair, sugar!".
I froze facing the door, waiting for him to finish but he never did so I walked out and slammed the door shut.
Mikey, Frank and Ray sat outside the dressing room, sitting on the floor and leaning against the opposite door.
"Where did I go wrong?", I sighed.
Frankie shrugged but Mikey always had an answer, "He just wants to be loved"
Ray stood up, "It's what we do, Sky, he loves it, he's good at it"
"I know", I nodded, "That's not the point. I don't want him to chose me over this. I just wanna...".
I just wanted him to be here like he used to, on a daily basis, not yearly.
Is that too much to ask? Was I being selfish? I just felt so lonely at times it was unbearable.
"We know, Sky", Ray put a hand around me, "We know. It doesn't make it any easier for us".
I wonder how Janet handled the distant, did she feel like she doesn't belong in Frank's life anymore? Or maybe Gerard was right and it's me who's being selfish?
I got used to him always being there, at every step of the way, supporting me physically and emotionally, I got used to being in the center of his life and now that I'm not anymore, am I afraid he might pick his music over me?
I don't know, I don't know anything.
"..On the bright side we're going to Walmart", Frank elbowed me from my trance.
"On who's bright side?", Mikey smirked.
"Not Walmarts'", Ray chuckled, "That's for sure"