You could be happy, I hope you are .. You made me happier than I'd been by far (You could be Happy – Snow Patrol)0 Reviews
I needed to protect him. I knew where my life was heading but I could never know where his is going. I knew I should be thankful for every second I’m allowed but I can’t be grateful for spending my last hours alone. I had been given a death sentence and I couldn’t allow Gerard to see me as I hurtled towards the unknown.
I know Gerard had been through hell and watching me die wasn’t going to help him. My death would multiply his agony. He knew I was getting worse I could see the stress that he was under as he paced the room, but I could also see he still had hope, how could I take that away from him? I wasn’t strong enough mentally or physically to cope with his mistimed grief, no matter how selfish that was.
The moment I told him it was over I knew I had made a mistake but there was no going back. I couldn’t back out and cause him more pain by telling him the truth.
My regret increased as my condition did the opposite. I started drifting in and out of consciousness and the doctor started spending a lot more time in my room. I also noticed that the beeping on the machine next to me had slowed down which I took to be a bad sign.
I knew I had made a choice and had to stick to it but that didn’t mean I wasn’t allowed to miss Gee. He was all I could think about, there was nothing else to live for now I had driven him away. I made sure that the nurses told me if he came back. I wouldn’t be able to stop him but I knew that if I was told that he was on his way I could prepare myself for any kind of outburst he had.
My prayers were answered when one of the nurses came in and told me that I had a visitor, it was Gerard. He had come to ask why I had broken up with him. This was it, I had to tell him the truth this time, and he would have to know that I didn’t have long left. I needed to say goodbye to him, and somehow I knew that this would be my last chance to do so.
“Gee” was all that I could muster. I was so overwhelmed; I knew I had been so lucky to see him again before I died. I was fighting so hard to stay alive for him and nearly gave up on so many occasions. Dying right here in this room today would be worth it, I had been allowed more time to see Gerard.
“Jared, I need to know, why is this over?” He asked, not with anger, but with sympathy. His voice was the only thing that could soothe my pain, but his question only encouraged my sadness. “I can’t believe that you don’t love me, in fact, I won’t believe it. There’s only one reason for you breaking up with me. Are you trying to protect me or is it actually the end?”
“I love you” I said with all my strength but it still came out as a whisper. There was no point in hiding the truth it was as plain as day and obvious to anyone that saw us together. “Always have”
“Jared” He smiled a weak smile and his face was torn with emotion. His face seemed to turn in a way that I had never seen before but instinctively knew. I knew what was happening in his mind. He was pleased because I still loved him but was dejected because the truth had hit him and hit him hard. “Jared, no, not now”