Keep it together…
The only people left in the room were my parents, Gerard, and me. The tension in the room was thick; the way my parents always made things feel. My mother was pacing back and forth in front of my bed. “What are we going to do with her John? You know I have tons of business trips coming up!” They talked about me like I wasn’t there. “Kate, we can have a maid watch over her or something.”, she rolled her eyes. “I’m not going to let something she did herself interfere with my work.” Gerard angrily shot out of his seat. “Something she did? Heidi got the shit beat out of her by Julian and it was her fault?” he stared down my mother. “You have no part in this.”
“I’m pretty sure I do since I’m her boyfriend. I’ve been there more than you ever have, and you won’t have to worry; I am taking off to take care of her.”
My eyes widened, drop the tour? He can’t. “No you won’t! Your fans are top priority, don’t worry about me.” He walked over to the bed. “Heidi I haven’t been the best boyfriend to you, this is my chance to make up for it. I need you to know how much you mean to me.”
I looked into his eyes. “I haven’t been the best girlfriend either; there is something I think you should-” Just as I was about to confess the door opened; it was him.
Can’t do this any longer…
He stood at the door with bloodshot eyes, his hair was everywhere, and I could tell he had been crying. I looked away then over to my parents. “Please leave.”
“But Heidi-.” I put my hand up. “Leave. I have to talk to them…alone.” They both left the room eyeing Gerard and pushing past Frank who was still standing at the door. I knew what I had to do. I motioned for them to stand on either side of my bed, I looked at them ashamed with myself.
“I’m going to tell him.” Frank nodded in response. I closed my eyes grabbing a hold of Gerard’s hand. “I’ve been lying to you this whole time, I’m not in love with you. I’m in love with someone else.” He tensed up then looked over at Frank with stern eyes. “Who?”
“I’m in love with…with Frank. I’m so sorry.” I started to cry but stopped myself knowing it wouldn’t help anything. He looked down at me with glazed over eyes. “How long has this been going on?” Frank answered for me. “Since the night you sent me to dinner with her. It’s my fault, I egged her on.” I turned my head towards him. “It’s my fault too, I could have stopped myself.”
“I guess you can’t help who you love…wait-” he looked at us confused. “You didn’t?”
I knew what he was asking; had I actually had sex with his best friend and band mate?
“I did.” I looked down at his hand as he pulled it away from me.
“How could you?! Heidi, I thought I finally found someone I could trust. I’ve been shit on by girls for so long and I finally thought it was over. Did you even think about me when you did that? Did you think it was okay to fuck me over? Did you think it was okay to fuck my best friend?” I couldn’t hold the tears back. “I thought about all those things, but I didn’t care.” I couldn’t believe I had just sad that. Gerard pulled his hair in anguish. “How can I look at either of you? How can I go back on tour with you Frank, after what you did?”
I knew what was coming but I wouldn’t let the band fall apart in front of me. Before Frank could answer I interrupted. “I want both of you to know I take full responsibility for my actions. I fucked up big time. But please don’t let this break the band up, don’t let me fuck things up for you!” Gerard shook his head agreeing. “Frank, I understand you love her; so did I-more than anything. You have the choice to leave this room with me or stay here and quit the band.”
He closed his eyes tightly. “I have to stay here with her. I can’t leave her Gerard.”
I couldn’t believe it. Frank Iero was choosing me over his music; this can’t happen.
“I’m making the decision for you; you’re leaving with him. I promised myself if I tore this band apart I would leave. A promise is a promise.”
After they left millions of questions filled my head.
Would they still speak to me?
Will I ever see them again?
Is this it?
Can I fix things?
Do they still love me?
I knew the answer to all the questions were no, and I don’t blame them.
The answer to the last questions was yes.
They have the biggest hearts in the world, they will always love me.
At least I have that.
Then I realized…that’s probably all I’ll have ever again.
Turning over I cried the hardest I ever had in my life; do I even deserve to live?
Should I keep going?
Thanks for reading!