incest,rape,suicide,murder,hate,and love.a tragic love story between two teenagers.
"Hey Kaylee, what's wrong? Why do you look so dead?" I asked when I reached her.
"Oh Zyle, I really appreciate everything. I'm really sorry, I just didn't get enough sleep last night," she smiled once more then stood on her tip toes to gently kiss me on the cheek. "Happy Valentine's Day," she whispered and winked. Suddenly, I felt my heart start functioning again. She winked. Inside, I felt like jumping up and down-It was our secret way of saying "I love you."
I gave her a big smile instead. Pulling her off her feet to spin her around, I told her, "Happy Valentine's Day, Kaye."
I felt her smile on my shoulder and she said "I love you" so softly I wasn't sure if she even said it. When I heard her say it again, louder this time, I stiffened and pulled away. She looked at me confusedly and asked me, "What's wrong, Zyle? Why the sudden change of mood? Is this about your mom?" She said that last part gently as if her words might break me. And it did. Because all the hurt and anger I couldn't control before, came rushing back to me that I had to get away. I didn't want to hurt her, but I had to leave.
She held my chin so I had nowhere to look but at her eyes. Violet on gray, gray on violet. Oh, how I loved her eyes. On a normal day, I could've just stared at her forever, but this isn't a normal day. So I looked away from her stare the minute I caught it; her stare that could easily see right through me. The truth is, I was scared that someone could do that, especially now that I'm feeling so vulnerable. So I told her I had to get to class. Pulling away from her, I turned and walked away. I avoided Kaye for the rest of the day.
I watched him as he walked away. I didn't know how to react. So many things happened that made him change so much, especially after his mom's death. I try so hard to reach out to him, but he shut himself from me. It hurt, of course, but I can't do anything now but try to understand and give him the space he needed. I'm so confused. I feel so helpless. I really wish I could do something, but I know I can't-unless he let me. I swear, one day, he'll be the death of me.
For the rest of the day, I couldn't think straight. I had no concentration whatsoever. I was drowning in my own thoughts, and I couldn't get any air. I was walking in a trance, with a blank expression on my face. I couldn't hear anything, not the noise of my classmates or the teacher's babbling. All I heard was silence. And it was killing me.
At four o'clock, the bell rang and everyone rushed out the door. Except me. I didn't want to go home to my brother. I didn't want to ever see his face. Slowly, I stood up and walked to the door and down the hallway. I made my steps as tiny as possible and opened the school doors as slowly as possible. But still, I knew it was useless, because whatever I do, however slow my pace is, when I get through the doors and out of my school, Seth would be there to pick me up, his face lighting up whenever he spots me, while mine just darkens. He seems like a good brother, happy to see his sister, picking her up from school, but if you look past his good boy looks, that dark blonde hair and green eyes, and his infectious smile forever pasted on his face, he's really not as charming as he looks. I know him, he's my freakin' brother for God's sake, and I tell you, he is anything but good. I feel no love towards him. I don't care about the bastard and I'll hate him for all eternity. He is not the person he was before; he no longer treated me like a human being. To him, I was just his sex toy. Nothing more. I was his personal prostitute, minus the pay. Yes, my own fucking brother fucks me. Go ahead, barf. I don't blame you. Sad thing is, I can't tell anyone or else he'd kill me. But I often think it's better if he does.
I always stay awake all night either crying or staring blankly at the cracks on the ceiling, since the first time Seth forced himself on me. I was 9; that was 8 years ago. 8 long years and I can still remember how I felt. The hopelessness, pain and panic I felt. His hands all over me, his body on top of mine, his lips tracing every part of me. I had to shut my eyes and cover my ears so I could stop the images of that night playing over and over in my head and stop hearing my own screams.
I finally stepped out of my school and saw Seth waiting for me by the steps. In time, I learned not to struggle or refuse him because I know what would happen if I did. He'd make it worse; beat me up 'til I had bruises. So you see, it's better to go quietly. I walked to him and followed him to his car, knowing that by the time we get home, I can lock myself in my room and avoid him, not forever, but at least for tonight.
I instantly regretted avoiding Kaye. I missed her too much. I missed how she'd make me feel better when I'm down, how she would make me laugh, how she smiled her beautiful smile, and the way she would look at me with so much love reflecting from her eyes. Sighing, I walked home alone. Love fucking hurts like hell. That's why I never show my emotions too much, why I never uttered those three little words I should always say to my girlfriend, why it hurts when I see her express her love for me while I can't do that for fear of getting hurt. Because I know it would. It already hurts now, thinking about all this shit. I need to get out. Now. I feel so trapped, drowning in my own thoughts.
"Ring! Ring! Ring!"
I quickly picked up the phone, already knowing who it was.
"Yeah?" I said.
"Hey. You up for tonight?" the voice asked.
"Course. I'll be there in a few," I answered, and put down the phone.
Finally. My savior. My way out of this hellhole. god, I can't wait to get to Seth's house.
Here I am, I'm sitting on my bed, just thinking about Seth when the doorbell suddenly rang. I snapped out of my trance and got out of bed to open the door since Seth and I were the only ones home and Seth never opened the door. I sighed and thanked whoever pressed it because I stopped thinking about my bastard of a brother. I opened the door and Zyle stood there.
"Hey. What're you doing here?" I asked.
"I just came to talk to Seth," he said as he kissed my cheek. Then he made his way to Seth's room. I watched him as he walked. He seemed so depressed. The sad thing was, I knew what he was going to do, why he was here, why he went to Seth instead of me. I knew Zyle was into drugs or alcohol or even both. I bet Seth and Zyle were doing that now. I can't say anything, much less do anything. Because if I did, Seth would kill me and Zyle would most probably hate me. I didn't want that. I think I'm just too scared to do anything. I love Zyle so much; I can't bear the thought of him hating me. I love him, and he loves me. But you know, I'm not entirely sure if he does. I mean, he doesn't really show it that much now. Ever since his mom died a few months ago, he became as distant as ever. Cold, even. I tried to help and reach out, but I never succeeded. Before, he wasn't that affectionate, but he showed his love in little ways. In class, he would always wink at me, and I would wink back at him. Everyday, I got hundreds of winks, hundreds of "I-love-yous." But one thing that gets to me and makes me wonder is that he never uttered those three words. Never.
Seth was already drunk when I got to his room. He was muttering incoherent words and staring at his ceiling. He flicked his hand as if to say hi.
"Yeah, hi. I'll get a beer ok?" I said. Seth just nodded his head groggily. Then he sat up suddenly and looked at me with an excited grin.
"Dude, I feel like shit. You want some X?"
I grinned after taking a sip from my bottle.
"Hell yeah," I answered. Soon, we were both drunk and high, and at about one in the morning, I started spilling my guts out. I don't think I knew what I was saying or who I was talking to. All I knew was pain and my love for Kaye. Funny how drugs can make me feel better. I know it's bad, and I feel like shit for taking drugs. But at the same time I need it. I need it to ease away the pain. It helps me accept the truth, the whole God damn truth. I tried to stop, but I couldn't. I'm addicted to drugs and there's nothing I can do about it. I feel so helpless, so vulnerable, but most of all I feel like an ass for doing this to Kaye. My thoughts returned to her. Kaye... I love her. There's no doubt about that. I know I love her, but does she know? I doubt it. I've been nothing but an asshole towards her this past month. I tried to show her, I tried to tell her, but I couldn't. I can't bring myself to tell her, at least not now. I just CAN'T... Why? Ever since I was a kid, I would always tell my mom those three little words, but months before she passed away, she would get mad and yell at me for saying such nonsense. She didn't want to hear those words. It was killing her slowly whenever I said them. It was like poison to her ears. I couldn't bear seeing her that way... So, I stopped. Until her very last breath I tried to avoid saying those words. But I wanted to tell her. Just one last time... And when I finally had the courage to tell her again... The monitor went flat. She was gone, and those were the last words I told her. Since then, I felt like whenever I say those words, the person would suddenly fall flat on the ground and die. That's why I never told Kaye. I don't want to lose her. God, I can't even bear imagining her dying in front of me, just because of those three stupid words! I won't lose her just like I lost my mom.
Oh Fuck. My heartbeat's slowing down. Shit. Now I can't see anything but darkness... and then pain as I hit the floor.
At around four a.m., I woke up and saw Zyle sprawled on my bedroom floor. I looked at his form and anger rose in me, jealousy flowed in my veins, and suddenly all I see is red. He is the reason why Kaye doesn't love me. The reason she loathes me. She thinks he's perfect, and to her I am just her sick, bastard of a brother. I hate how he makes her smile, while all I can do is make her cry. I want her to love me, more than she ever loved Zyle. I want to destroy their love, break it into pieces and bury it six feet under so that no one can put it back together. I want my sister! I need her! I have to find a way to get her to love me and only me. I have to get rid of Zyle. Make her hate him and love me. The only way is to make him turn like her most hated person in the world-me. How? Oh wait. I know what to do...
I woke at around eight and the first thing I saw was Seth's smiling face. I groaned and sat up.
"What do you want?" I asked in an irritated voice.
"Nothing, dear sister. Just thought you'd want some breakfast," he replied, still smiling.
'Something's very wrong with this picture. Why the fuck is Seth being so nice?!' I thought.
"What's up with you? This is so not like you. Is this a trick?" I asked, raising a brow.
"Oh, nothing. No, there's no trick my darling," he said in a singsong voice, shoving his hands into his pockets and leaving the room whistling cheerfully.
I woke up in Seth's room at around 5 in the afternoon. I sat up and saw unfamiliar faces. I immediately stood up and looked for Seth. His room was crowded and huge, so it took a while. I spotted him drinking at one corner. Actually, everyone in his room was either drunk or high. I went up to Seth and asked him, "What the fuck is going on?" Seth looked up at me with droopy eyes and gave me a smirk.
"Nothing, just a party," he answered. "Dude, go grab a beer and some ecstasy before we run out." I did what I was told. After an hour, I was as drunk and high as the others. Then Seth stood up suddenly and shouted for everyone to quiet down.
"Everyone! Shut the fuck up! I have a surprise for you. If you just come up and follow me..." Then he walked out the door. Everyone whooped and followed him, including me. We went up the staircase and that's when I realized where we were heading. We were heading to Kaye's room. I was too fucked up to care or notice where her parents were. Guess they were out. Ooo...I wonder what the surprise was...
As Seth reached Kaye's room, he turned the doorknob slowly and grinned at his friends. Then he turned his drunken gaze at me and sneered. "Dude, you're gonna love this." I smirked and opened the door. And there I saw Kaye, her naked form tied up on her bed, shaking and sobbing, her mouth gagged. I didn't know how to react. So all I did was watch as the other guys took their turns in raping my girlfriend. Seth took the longest and it seemed like he knew what he was doing, as if he was used to her, as if he's done it before. I watched as her tears fell down her face, as she hysterically struggled, as her face scrunched up in pain. I had to listen to her as she tried so hard to scream and break free.
I had to watch and listen, until it was my turn. Seth looked at me expectantly. I came over to her and she stopped struggling. Her tears stopped flowing. Her eyes showed pain, but I could see acceptance. I touched her and she didn't even flinch. I touched her and she didn't struggle. I touched her and she didn't make a single sound. I touched her and not a tear fell from her eyes. I looked deep into her eyes, and saw the love she felt. The pain I caused. The hurt I inflicted. It was all I could take. Then she winked. I had to stop. After all the pain I caused her, she winked. She loves me. I don't understand how she can still love me, after all this. I was such an asshole. I had to get out. I whispered a sorry and left without a backward glance.
I've never felt so dirty in my whole life. I've never felt so much hatred towards Seth. How could he do this to me??? And now Zyle can't even look at me in the eye. I try to talk to him at school, but he just turns away, as if I wasn't even there. Maybe he really doesn't love me. Or maybe he never did.
I avoided Kaye that week. I couldn't face her. Not after what happened. I'm so disgusted with myself. I can't believe I almost forced myself on Kaye. Stupid idiot. I don't remember everything, but I remember enough to know what I did to her. I remember, and it was killing me. I hate myself for allowing them to rape her. I hate myself for hurting her. I hate myself for breaking her. I hate myself for everything I've done to the only person I ever loved.
I was so sick of life. I just want it all to end. I was lying on my bed once again, counting the cracks on my ceiling. There are 13, if you must know. Suddenly, my door burst open. It was almost midnight, and my parents were away. I'm so fucking stupid. Why the hell didn't I lock the door?! Seth came inside and went to me. I stayed where I was and didn't mind him. Maybe he'd go away. Psh. Wishful thinking. I was way too optimistic. Seth kissed me hard on the lips. It hurt. Damn. He's doing it again. I swear, I want to die. Someone kill me, now! I'm so sick of this. I'm not allowing him to do this to me again. I pushed him away roughly and screamed at him.
"You bastard! Stay away from me! Haven't you done enough?! I hate you! I don't want to see your fucking face again! Go away!"
He stood shocked for a while, but then he snapped out of it. Full of rage and surprise that I fought back, he said in a dangerously low voice, "You don't mean that, do you Kaye? No... You don't really mean that..." he said, stroking my cheek gently, as if he was afraid to hurt me. Too late, he already did.
I slapped his hand away from my face and glared at him. "I meant every word," I said in the same tone he used, stressing each word. His eyes turned into angry slits and he kissed me once again, pushing me hard onto the bed. I struggled, pushing him away and kicking his crotch and stomach repeatedly. He backed away and slapped me hard across the face. The force was so strong that it stung and made my head spin for a while. At that moment, he had a chance to come closer.
"Stop denying it Kaye! You know you love me! Admit it! Say you love me! You LOVE. ME. Not Zyle! Say it, bitch!" he shouted, each word punctuated with a slap on my face.
I can taste the blood on my mouth as he punched and slapped me. I screamed and tried to fight back, but that made him hit me harder. I tried reaching out for things to hit him with but he was way too strong for me.
"Say you love me!" he shouted once again. And this time I answered.
"I don't love you! I never had and I never will! I hate you Seth! I'll never love you! I love Zyle! Not you!" I screamed.
I kept repeating those words. I love Zyle, not you! I love Zyle, not you! I love Zyle, not you! Seth could no longer control his anger. He grabbed my neck, but I still screamed those words at him.
"No you don't! You love me! Say it, bitch! Say it!" with each word, he squeezed harder, until I could no longer breathe. I felt my life slipping away, and everything was getting darker, 'til all I saw was black. The last thing I remember saying was I love Zyle. And then silence.
Shit, I just killed my sister. I killed my own freakin' sister. What the hell am I supposed to do? What the heck should I say? My parents! Shit! Maybe I should throw her body. No. They'll notice. Maybe I should burn it. Or chop her into little pieces. Or call the cops and tell them some freak got inside the house. And that I found her lifeless body. Oh! Maybe I should cry. So they wouldn't suspect me. Or maybe I should run away. Disappear. Never to return again. Maybe I should just die. Pretend someone killed both of us. Yeah. I think that's a good idea...
I walked to the kitchen in a daze. I saw the knives on the counter. Perfect. I took one, or was it two? Shit, I don't even know. But who cares? I slashed my throat a few times and was fascinated when my blood gushed out. The world was fading away. Death has come to take me. Goodbye Kaye. I love you...
On the way to the cemetery, my mind drifted back to the day I found out Kaye died. Her parents called me, sobbing so hard. I couldn't really understand what they were trying to say. But I knew it was something bad. I came over Kaye's house and calmed them down so they can tell me what it is. When they were somewhat calm, I asked them what happened. They told me "Kaye's dead. Seth's dead. They're gone," and burst into tears once more. I felt like the world stopped spinning. Her mother's words echoed in my head. Kaye's dead. Kaye's dead. Kaye's dead. I was numb. I didn't know what to feel. I didn't even think of asking how she died. All I knew was she's gone. And I never got the chance to tell her I loved her. The last time I saw her was in school, when all she did was try to talk to me, not even getting mad after what happened. And I treated her like trash. I hate myself. How can I go on without her?
I went back to my senses when I reached the cemetery. Looking at my lap, I saw a leather journal. Kaye's journal. Her mom gave it to me, and ever since, I always carried it around with me. When I read it, I finally knew everything. How she felt about me and Seth, how she wanted to tell me about it, how much she loved me, all her doubts about my love, how much she longed to hear me utter those three words, how much it hurt when I grew cold and distant and avoidant, how she never wanted to leave me because she loved me too much. The whole time I was reading it, I was crying. For the first time since my mom died. I was crying. I regretted not talking to her, not telling her I'm so sorry and that I love her.
I walked to her gravestone, not minding Seth's which was beside hers. I hate him. I hate him for doing this to her. I hate him for doing this to us. I hate him for taking her away from me. I noticed there were no flowers on his gravestone, while Kaye's had millions. I sat beside hers and placed three red roses on it.
"Happy Valentine's Day, Kaye," I whispered. But in my mind I knew that wasn't enough. There's more to say.
"I... I-I... love... you, Kaye," I whispered. And somehow, I felt as if she heard me. I heard her reply, carried by the wind. "I love you, too, Zyle..."
At that, I smiled, stood up, and winked.