he's not here, and it hurts. it hurts alot.
He says he likes me. He says he's never felt this way before about any other girl. But are we going out? No. Why? I have no clue.
He says he doesn't understand why he can't be with me. Says he doesn't know why it's so hard for us to be more than just friends. Then he stops talking.
" But why not Bren. We've been friends for a while, and god knows how long I've felt this way about you. Why can't we be more?" he's quiet. I can hear him breathing. I don't know what he's thinking
" I-I...I'm just afraid we'll ruin this friendship Dee. I-I don't want to loose you like I did before..." I closed my eyes. He was referring to that time I went out with that boy last year. He was my friend and I thought nothing was ever going to happen between me and Brendon. We were together for a month and I broke up with him, but not before Brendon had the displeasure of seeing us kiss. That's when he learned his true feelings for me.
" Brendon...I care about you...and you care about me...I-"
" Dee...no. I-I don't know how else to explain it. I like you...I really, really, really like you, but this feeling tells me we're better off friends." I'm quiet. Tears slowly roll down my cheeks. He can't see me, he's on the other side of the country. Far away from me. It hurt in high-school, not seeing him between classes or at lunch, it hurts like hell now.
He's quiet too. It always gets like this after these conversations. Both of us feel awkward because there's nothing more to say. Nothing. Any second now he'll explain how he has to go, that he needs his sleep, he has a busy day tomorrow, Ryan needs to use the phone, he'll talk to me later.
But that second doesn't come. Silence. That's all I hear. Silence. Did he fall asleep? I glance at the clock, it's 2 am here meaning its 4 am over there. He must be tired.
" Bren." I whisper. Nothing.
" Brendon?" I say a little louder. Nothing. I press a button.
" Arrgghh! Fucken shit Dee! Argh." I can't help but let a giggle escape. I can practically hear the smile on his face.
" God, I love the way you laugh." my heart skips a beat. " I'd do anything to be over there with you or you over here with me. You have no idea how crazy my life is now. It's nothing to how it used to be." the happiness in the thought of me being with him is evident, but I can tell it'll end soon. It always does.
" One day, you'll fly out here and spend a whole day with me Dee. One whole day, and it'll be the best day-"
" Brendon! I need the phone...like now!" he didn't finish his sentence. The beat of my heart slows down.
" Hey..Ryan needs to use the phone, but if he gets off early and I'm still awake I'll call you, and if he doesn't then-"
" You'll be crashed out. I know." I'm about to hang up, my finger on the end button.
" Dee.." I hear him.
" Hmmm." I say, my voice echoeing the sleepiness I feel. He's silent for a moment.
" I'll call you." he doesn't want to say that. I know it. He always wants to say something that he never says. Do I push it? No.
" Alright. Bye Brendon."
" Bye." I hear the dial tone and I close my eyes, my dreams becoming full of him and me.
My life was plain and simple. I was still in high-school. My last and final year while the boy of my dreams was off touring the country right out of high-school.
After school I checked my phone constantly to see if he called. Checked it every thirty minutes to be exact and everytime I saw that missed call my heart would skip beats and my stomach would flutter at his name. But if that missed call was from a friend, a brother, my parents, that feeling vanished and a sigh remained.
He called every night for sure. He had no set time, no. But it was always after eight, always. The earliest/latest he ever called was at 6 am. He wanted to hear my voice, but I knew he was only bored at the airport waiting for the next flight.
It was simple how we met. Actually, down right painful. He had the hugest crush on my best friend Lilly who was head-over-heels for my then crush, Jack. But nothing happened between me and him and Brendon and I became friends as soon as he figured out his feelings for Lilly. He really liked her see, and the way he talked about her, he opened up, talked about his feelings and I fell for the person inside. He was wonderful, full of romance and wonder. The way his mind worked, what he thought of things was unlike anything I had ever heard or thought of myself.
We are so different, but alike in so many ways that can not be expressed. It's hard to define, difficult to explain but what I feel for him is real. More real than the air that I breath, and he knows it.
Sometimes he forgets to call and I tell myself he won't, that he's already talking to someone new. But no, it never fails. I'll either answer the phone at 2 in the morning or see the missed call after I wake up.
He's talked about this girl a few times. Someone he met on tour, an opening act. My heart sank everytime he spoke of her, but did I say anything of how I felt? No. I just listened and spoke when needed. Told him what he wanted to hear.
But tonight something's off. Something's different. The feeling of today has been different since I took my first breath of the day. He's not going to call.
It's four in the morning and my phone has no new missed calls, no texts, nothing.
Mom says I look terrible, like I didn't sleep a wink which is true. I didn't shut my eyes at all.
Brian says I look like a zombie from that stupid game he plays all the time. When he wakes up, on the way to school, in between classes, after school, after dinner. It doesn't fail.
Dad says I look like his little angel and kisses me on the head but tells me I should get some sleep soon. This is not comforting.
All day at school I'm waiting for something to happen, someone to jump around the corner and just pounce on me. Why am I so paranoid?
The clock's ticking. It sounds like a bomb, and my hands are sweating and my eyes are tired. I have to close them...just once.
" Dylan!" I jump up from my seat and grab my things as the bell rings.
I spend the rest of my day in this state. Half asleep, half awake. I don't know what happened in half my classes and the kids are screaming. Christmas break is here.
I drive slowly home. There's no rush. Brian would be at his friends house playing that stupid game. Mom will be at work and dad will...well, I don't know where dad will be, but he won't be home.
I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket as I park my car in the driveway. I look at the name and I can't breath. One new voicemail.
" You have one unheard message. First unheard message sent today at 11:12 am: Hey Dylan, it's me Brendon. Ughh..sorry I didn't call last night, something came up..Ugghh, I won't be able to talk to you for a while..things are getting more hectic...and Ryan's pissed at me. I gotta get my own phone. Anyway...uhmm ya. I'll try to call you soon. Bye." and I close the phone and stare at it. My hands are cold and my eyes watery.
yup, this is my new story.
hope you like it.