Gerard loves Frank so much that he's nervous Frank won't like his new hair. Oh, he does. [Frerard-contains adult content]
That pang of nervousness was back. There it was…churning in his stomach like sour milk. Why…why every God damn time they were alone, did this happen? Maybe it was that naïve hope that something would…/happen./ That maybe, just maybe, they would stare at each other and…bam. Magic. Kissing.
But it just doesn’t work like that. In real life there isn’t love at first sight, at least not anything more than one-sided love. Gerard knew that he was in love from the second he barely glanced those dark, sleepy eyes and those perfect, soft lips. Was it love, or infatuation? Whatever. It didn’t matter. Regardless of what you called it, it possessed his senses, wormed into his brain, made his heart flutter uncomfortably. He loved it. He loved Frank.
Mhm. Soak it in. He loved someone of the same gender. Gross? Some would say that. Some might also be on the other end and find some sort of strange novelty in it. He didn’t think loving someone of the same gender was any different than having feelings for someone of the opposite gender. It was odd to think that people would find one’s love for another offensive, but even odder to think that some people marveled in it, as if it was something amazing and unusual.
Gerard felt another nauseous wave of nervousness wash over him like water. He sat with his knees pulled to his chest on one of the big, soft chairs in the living room. The emotional discomfort was worse than normal. He usually felt a sort of jittery excitement in his muscles and veins when Frank was coming over. And during this time he would discreetly hide himself in the bathroom where he fixed his shaggy, raven hair until it was perfect and made sure he looked at least acceptable for his guest. But today was different. Because earlier that day, he had boldly chopped off at least half his hair. Before a few hours ago, it hung shaggy and messy so that it didn’t quite touch his shoulders. But now, after about forty-five minutes with some lady with a pair of metal scissors standing over him, his hair now reached just passed his ears, sticking out in every direction and hanging annoyingly in his eyes. He didn’t like it at all.
He hoped Frank didn’t think the same.
The doorbell rang and his heart did several loops in his chest. Gerard zipped up his black sweat hoodie, feeling self-conscious as he always did, and stood up. For a moment he stood frozen in place, the muscles in his legs now feeling as though they were carved from solid ice. He wanted to hide, to not let the person he loved so much see the hair he hated with all his heart. But now his body was moving towards the door without his brain’s permission, his hand reaching towards the door handle. His heart threatened to burst. He opened the door.
Frank had been starring off to the side, his eyes glazed over as he dazed. When Gerard opened the door and Frank looked towards him, he couldn’t help but give a sheepish grin. Frank’s eyes lit up and a smile spread across his face, disrupting the sleepiness of his features. It was like watching him wake up for the first time.
”Dude!” he cried as he stepped inside the house. “Your hair! It’s all /gone!/” Gerard tried not to blush, but felt it creeping up his pale cheeks anyway. He rubbed the back of his head nervously, expecting to feel the thick locks that had once been there, but hitting the layered, soft hair instead.
“Sorry…” he muttered. “It was getting really long…”
“But, dude, it looks awesome. Don’t be sorry.” Frank smiled at him and shook his head. “You’re so weird. You don’t need to be /sorry./” Gerard’s nervousness dissipated like a fog. It was as though Frank unintentionally controlled his emotions. He didn’t mind it, actually…as long as Frank was making him feel good. His friend looked around suddenly, thrusting his fingerless-gloved hands into the pockets of his tight jeans.
“You’re house is so quiet,” he commented. At that moment, Gerard realized that he was right. Usually, some sort of noise could be heard emanating from somewhere in the building: Loud, heavy music from either Gerard’s or his brother’s room, the television in the living room, the sound of his mother cooking. But now there was nothing. “Where is everyone?” Gerard swallowed.
“Mikey’s out with his girlfriend,” he replied. “And…I forgot where my parents went. They said they weren’t going to be back till late or something.” Frank shrugged nonchalantly and Gerard silently released the tense breath he had been holding. Gerard had a feeling that one day Frank wasn’t going to say anything and he would die of asphyxiation.
“Sweet,” said Frank. “Then you and I can party! Gerard gave a nervous laugh and Frank’s smile. His insides were twisting around, although the feeling was subsiding now that he no longer had a reason to be nervous.
“Or we can go downstairs,/” he giggled. He tried to hold the laugh in. He hated his laugh. It was high and dry and sounded somewhat feminine. He wanted to stab it in the face and castrate it with a wooden spoon. Frank laughed back and headed towards the door to the basement, where Gerard’s room was. The two of them went down the stairs and down to the end of the hall where a wooden door covered in posters was. As soon as the door opened, the room gave off a very…/Gerard-y vibe. There were dirty clothes all over the floor, the sheets on the bed were tossed in every direction, the lighting was dim, and posters lines almost every inch of the wall, CDs lay scrambled over every surface. The whole room was dark, cluttered, and insecure: Exactly like its owner.
“Holy shit your room is messy,” Frank said and he walked in, stepping over a pile of clothes. Gerard felt his stomach clench suddenly.
“I’ll clean it if you want me to,” Gerard stammered, but Frank shook his head gently.
“Don’t worry about it, man. My room looks the same way. You’re like…/submissive/ today or something.” He said it as though he was amused by it. Gerard didn’t know what to make of it. He didn’t know why, but…today felt strange. His feelings for Frank that he had spent so much time burying were suddenly resurrected with full force. Not only did he crave the other boy’s approval, but he wanted to rush over to him, wrap his arms around his perfect body and just slam their mouths together. It was something he told himself over and over would never happen. There had even been a time when the two of them were completely drunk that he considered just grabbing his friend and doing what he wanted with him. But by the time he’d gathered enough alcohol-induced courage, he was crashing onto the carpet, only to awake the next morning with one of the worst headaches he could possible remember. He hadn’t tried anything since. Biting his bottom lip gently, he turned on the lamp on his dresser, the room now significantly lighter. He hoped it would improve the mood.
Gerard tried to dislodge the mental rock in his brain. He looked frantically around the room for something to do, something to talk about. He let out an inaudible sigh of relief.
“Hey,” he interjected. He picked up a CD case off of the disordered floor. “I got this CD the other day. Man, it rocks, you gotta hear it.” Frank gave his signature nonchalant shrug.
“Go for it,” he replied. “If you liked it, it’s gotta be good.” Gerard felt a tiny bubble of pride inflate inside his chest. It was childish and silly, but he loved it nonetheless and would have framed it and hung it on his wall if he could. He put the CD inside his stereo and pressed the sideways triangle button for play. After a few seconds of mechanical whirring, the sound of guitar and drum and bass filled the room. He turned around to find Frank doing a sort of absent-minded bounce to the rhythm of the music.
“This is good,” he said, raising his voice slightly over the sound of the music. He looked over at Gerard and smiled the way he usually did- with no teeth, his eyes tired, but joyful. Gerard felt his insides tremble with the attraction he felt. He turned the music up farther and the two of them began to jump around the room. They were laughing and smiling, just friends again, banging their heads to the earsplitting screaming vocals and piercing notes of the guitars. Gerard forgot for a few songs that he was in love with this person- no, it was more that he forgot that he was trying not to love this person. In those few minutes he felt as if the things he felt didn’t frighten him, didn’t make him tremble and worry every night in bed ‘/Does he know? Can he know? What would happen if he found out?’/ All he knew was that he was spending the time he wanted to spend with this person and everything they were feeling was real and natural and feel so good flowing through their veins.
The song ended, the music faded out in a gentle rumble. The two of them were still laughing, panting from the ecstatic movement. Gerard pressed the vertical lines on the CD player that stood for pause. They sat down on the floor next to each other, lying on their bellies, smiles tugging at their faces. Gerard pulled off his hoodie, revealing a black band T-shirt and a studded belt (the only reason he’s bought it was because he saw Frank wearing them almost every day). He leaned himself on his arms and held his upper body straight. Frank mirrored his position so their eyes were at the same level. The both starred at each other.
They were really fucking close.
Gerard noticed this and felt a pang of panic. He was starring deep into Frank’s dark hazel eyes…and he couldn’t look away. He was fascinated by everything. The light from the lamp was hitting him so that his skin glowed as if he was some shining, angelic being. Even his messy brown hair that he obviously hadn’t trimmed in a while as it hung disheveled in his eyes seemed beautiful and perfect in every way. And in that moment he loved Frank, loved him more than he’d ever loved anyone. His heart was swelling with it, his body too small to contain that wonderful emotion he felt towards this other human being. It was enough to make him want to scream out that he loved him, to make him want to do something crazy.
So he did.
He didn’t realize he was doing it until it was too late. He was lost in his thoughts, in Frank’s eyes, in the heavy silence that was filled the room. Leaning in…he was leaning his face closer to Frank’s, closing that already small gap. When he had almost touched the other boy’s lips he felt a sudden spasm of panic in his chest.
What am I doing?!
He wanted to stop. He wanted to go back in time and make it so this never happened. But he could almost feel Frank’s lips on his own and his body was now stuck as if he had turned to stone. He wanted to die, to disappear, something to get him away from this. But…then he felt something. It was a gentle pressure against his mouth. It was foreign and cool to the touch, and now it was pressing softly against his lips.
Frank was kissing him. He was…he was kissing him! It was amazing; it was wonderful, it was…it was not what Gerard had expected. There was no sudden explosion, no burst of emotion. No…it was much better. It was as though every eager emotion had been condensed and cooled to a low-burning flame in his chest. It felt good…more than good, it felt fucking great. Just…less explosive than he thought it was going to be.
Gerard hesitated, made sure that this was real, then closed his eyes and started working his lips against Frank’s. He felt the other boy scotch closer to him on the carpet, then he felt his gloved hand gently stroking the side of his face. It was delicate; as though he was making sure it was all right first. Gerard licked against Frank’s metal lip ring as the gently pulled apart, each other’s unique taste on their lips.
Frank smiled sleepily at him and continued to stroke his face with his fingers. Gerard closed his eyes and leaned into the touch. After all the years of praying this would happen, it finally was. It was worth the wait.
“How long…?” he asked in a dreamy voice as Frank’s thumb grazed his cheek. Frank tongued his lip ring.
“I dunno,” he answered softly. He was quiet as he thought for a moment. “…A…really long time. I just kept looking at you and thinking how…great you were…and how much I…” He trailed off. Gerard slowly opened his eyes again. So…this wasn’t one-sided? All this time, he could have gotten what he wanted? It all seemed so…ironic. He turned his head and kissed Frank’s thumb. Frank leaned in and they kissed again, their lips soft against one another’s, their tongues poking hesitantly out of their mouths, gently licking at each other. Gerard suddenly felt Frank opened his mouth and the hand on the back of his head push him in.
This experience was completely new to him. He had never…/tongued/…anyone before. Frank’s mouth was cool and he could feel the texture of his taste buds against his own tongue. He moved his mouth slowly against Frank’s, trying to get a feel for what he was doing, not wanting to seem sloppy or inexperienced. Gerard suddenly felt the hand that wasn’t on the back of his head slide to his waist. It pushed up the hem of his shirt slightly; the fingers warm on his skin. He let out a tiny, unintentional ”Ah…” into Frank’s mouth. Frank pulled his mouth away from Gerard’s.
“You okay?” he asked. Gerard averted his eyes sheepishly and gave a small, childish nod.
“I’m…/new/…at this,” he muttered, embarrassed. He hadn’t wanted to tell Frank that he had never even made out before. They were both seventeen, and most boys had had their tongues in girl’s mouth (and other places) when they were thirteen. Frank gave a tiny smirk and used the hand behind Gerard’s head and played with his hair. He leaned in and smiled against cheek, gently kissing the soft flesh.
“Your new hair is so /hot,/” he whispered. The words sent a chill of pleasure up Gerard’s spine. Gerard inhaled slowly. He tried to ignore the fact that Frank had somehow released every hormone in his body at once. This became even more difficult as his friend brought his wet tongue up the side of his cheek. He exhaled, the breath shaky as he felt himself losing control of his body.
“Do you wanna…go on the bed?” he asked. He felt Frank smile against his skin.
They stood up and went over to Gerard’s bed. Gerard climbed in first so his back was against the wall. Frank followed, and in one swift move, grabbed a handful of blankets and covered them both. Their mouths covered each other’s once again as they swapped saliva and enjoyed one another’s unique tastes. Gerard imitated Frank’s actions and put his hands in the other boy’s hair. He gripped it tighter when Frank kissed into his neck, the sensation unlike anything he’d ever felt before. The whole thing was so new, so wonderful; he wouldn’t have stopped if the world was on fire. His brain was caught in a cloud of lust and all he wanted to do was explore every inch of this boy’s body. He reached down and tugged upward at the hem of Frank’s shirt.
“Take this off,” he moaned. Frank pulled away and pulled his shirt off of his body and tossed it on the floor. He attacked Gerard’s lips.
”Now you,” Frank groaned while he kissed and licked. Gerard practically ripped off his shirt and threw it haphazardly somewhere in the room. They pressed their torsos together. They ground their hips together, sweat beginning to bead on their skin, rising hot and wet out of their pores and dripping down their flesh. Gerard suddenly realized that they were both making tiny groaning sounds that, had anyone else been home, would have been easily heard throughout his small house. He felt Frank’s hands push down on his slim waist, suddenly fiddling with his studded belt. It was weird; he had worn that belt for Frank, and now that person was the one taking it off.
Frank pushed Gerard’s pants down as far as he could before Gerard kicked them off. He went through the same procedure for Frank, who was kissing Gerard as if it was his last moment on earth. They were only in their boxers now, pressing their skin together, grinding up against one another in a moment of illogical passion. Heat rose off their bodies, sweat beaded on their foreheads as they worked against one another.
Gerard suddenly felt a familiar pleasurable tightening in his lower belly. The sensation was almost impossible to describe, but he knew it well enough. He suddenly clutched Frank’s hand and squeezed. He suddenly became aware of the wetness seeping through their boxers.
“F-Frank…”He moaned into the other boy’s mouth. “I…I think…” He was cut off by a mouth on his own. Frank moaned into his mouth.
“Me…Me too…” he said, his voice weak. They ground against each other for a few more minutes. Gerard suddenly gasped into Frank’s mouth. He squeezed Frank’s hand tight and couldn’t suppress a loud, sharp, ”AH!” as his warmth and wetness spilled over. As he declined, he felt Frank frantically jerk his hips for another moment before he, too, gave a hard shudder and a weak cry. Warmth and wetness welled up between them and they both relaxed. They wrapped their arms around each other and panted heavily, their minds clearing.
The two boys gently kissed again, not as deeply this time, but their tongues still delicately licking against each other. Gerard inhaled and exhaled softly. He nuzzled his face into the crook of Frank’s neck.
“I can’t believe we did that,” he whispered, his voice now heavy with drowsiness. He sighed. “That felt really good.” Frank leaned his head against Gerard’s.
“I love you,” he murmured. He grasped Gerard’s hand and held it tight. Gerard gave a sleepy nod.
“I love you, too.”
They closed their eyes, telling themselves it was only for a minute, before they succumbed to sleep. When Gerard awoke he was no longer afraid of the feelings he had for his best friend, he believed in love at first sight, and he loved his new hair.