I hope you like your pictures face down because even broken hearts have their doubts.
i know when you write letters you're supposed to start with a beginning, a middle and then an end, but i'm just warning you right now that odds are this letter is probably going to ramble on and on because i've got a lot to say to you. with everything thats happened between us i want you to understand that my love for you is uncomparable. you've had my heart for so long that i don't think anyone will ever be able to conquer it the way you have. in the back of my mind i know i should hate you for what you've done and the way you've treated me but i just can't bring myself to hate you as much as i know i should. so this brings me to the actual point of this letter, the reason why i'm writing this to you, i feel like this is the only way i can actually walk away from everything, the only way i can really let go. if you read this then maybe you'll have a better understanding as to why i stopped talking to you, as to why i had to tell you i couldn't have you in my life anymore and the reason is that no matter what, at the end of the day, i'm still going to love you. this reason is neither fair to you or to me and i can't have this hanging in the distance as an unconquered matter in my life.
when i was with you i felt something so real, and so passionate that i don't think i'll ever forget it. i don't think i want to forget it. knowing that i had someone in my life that i made happy and that someone made me extradinarily happy was beyond anything that i could ever imagine. it gave me a reason for waking up in the morning and at the time someone who made feel so special, so worthwhile. part of me wishes that you and i never ended the way we did, that we could continue forever in a blissful haze not worrying about a single thing and just enjoying the way we were but i know that this could never be and its with a heavy heart that i write this because i know that it's over and that it's done. as much as this saddens me to realise this i also feel like a weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders and most importantly my heart. i've said some nasty things about you, that i don't regret, but at the same time, how could i regret someone who keeps denying my relationship with them? how could i regret saying nasty things about someone who broke my heart and then expected things to be okay? and then didn't even have the after thought of giving me a sincere apology. how could i regret what i've said and done? i can't and this again leads me to why i had to say goodbye and tell you i couldn't have you in my life anymore. when i tell our story i wish it could have ended on a happier note, that maybe somewhere deep down inside of you there would be a voice telling you to be a better person and that maybe our story could be told without as much drama. every time people ask me what happened i take a deep breathe before i spill out the details because a simple explanation of "oh, things just didn't work out" wouldn't satisfy their need for more information and curiousity. however, by the end of the story, the pained looks that i get from the one or two people that i'm telling that story tells me two things, the first being "wow" and the second being, "why did i even ask in the first place?". i wish this was our story, but in the end it's only mine, because i was the only one hurt in the end, you didn't even care.
two years, twenty four months, one hundred and four weeks, seven hundred and thirty days, eight thousand seven hundred and sixty five hours. i'm not a person who regrets a lot of things, but looking back on myself, knowing that i was the one that took that step and wanted to make things work out with you, if i could sit down and talk to her, i think i would. what would i say you ask? i would sit down and tell her that not matter how much that she loves you, that you're not worth hurting over. that you're not worth crying over because you don't care about me in the way that she cares(d)about you. that the break up that she is eventually going to go through will almost kill her, that she will almost end up in the infirmiry of the hospital because of the break up between you too, and that when she tells him, he doesn't have anything to say. infact, thinking back on it, you never really did have much to say did you? i can remember telling you, rather begging you, just to listen to what i was saying to you, and to take i into your heart and feel something for me other then nothing. i begged you, i pleaded, i cried for hours for you, and you did nothing because you said you didn't know. i don't know what was worse, the lie or the liar himself.
in the end i have walked away from trying, from you and everything that we had once shared. i felt it's the only way to truly move on with my life. i'm left with battle scars that i'm pretty sure will never heal. i'm left with insecurities and instabilities that i'm almost positive will never go away. nothing scares me more then the idea that i am afraid to fall in love with someone else because i am afraid of being hurt again. nothing scares me more because i don't want to end up alone. the memories of you are something that i've put in a box in the back of my heart and in a shoebox under my bed, maybe in a few years our paths will cross again but as of this moment i have no intention of having you in my life. you were a major part of my history but i don't want you to be a part of my future. we talked about that once, moving in together, engagment, marriage - the whole she-bang, but look where we ended up. if anyone ever says anything to you about me, i only ask that you continue to deny everything between us, because it would be a lot easier then having to explain the story and watching the pain in peoples eyes at the end of it all. i don't know what else to say but that i was never really good at writting notes to people who i genuinely care(d) about. i hope this clears up a lot of things for you, maybe it'll clear up a lot of things for me too, who knows. after all is said and done, i still continue to wish you a happy and healthy life - which is more then i can say you'd ever wish for me.
so i'm going to stop my rambling and just finish this, this is the last you'll ever hear from me in the saga that has been us. my last spoken words to you ever were that i'm not ready to have you in my life and i'm still not, i don't think i'll ever be ready to invite you back into my life because it's been pretty good so far without you. i stick by those words that i said to you in that late night phone call and i haven't tried to contact you since, this is me giving up. this was me giving you my best shot and it failed so we'll see what happens in the future. you we my first, my last and most definately the worst. to end this all, i hope you like your pictures facing down because even broke hearts have their doubts.