As I go on and I lie and I fake and I hope you'll forgive me..
"You won a lottery?", I smiled cause I couldn't not smile when Amy's grin was so radiant.
"Guess again", she dumped her purse on the kitchen counter and began unbuttoning her coat.
"You won a life time supply of coffee?", I closed the door and made my way back to the sofa where just minutes ago I was consuming a year supply of M&M's.
"Close but....Guess again!", she bounced on the spot a little.
"Can I at least get a clue ?", I popped a red M&M in my mouth.
She flashed three finger at me, "One, it's gonna make me happy", she lowered one finger, "Two, it's for life. Three, you're gonna be in it!"
"Oh wow", I frowned, smiling, "Let me think...I'm gonna supply you coffee for life"
"No silly!", she jumped on the sofa, crushing my legs, "You get another clue just for being stupid".
"Thank you", I swatted her arm.
"Ready?", she kinda straddled me, "Brace yourself!".
"I'm as ready as I'll ever be", I chuckled at her enthusiasm.
She stuck her left hand at me, I gasped, a big diamond ring was dangling on her ring finger, pulling her whole hand down. I looked from her back to the ring, "It's so beautiful!"
My heart wrenched in pain and I automatically touched my own wedding ring, I didn't even know how I was supposed to call it, a wedding ring? We aren't legally married but we did believe we're getting married at the time.
Ugh, just wait till I put my hands on that priest! He's gonna taste my wrath! What kinda priest does this kinda thing? OK we were drunk, we weren't thinking straight but he was sober. I think...Why didn't say anything, he also wasn't answering any of my calls, always away and busy, does he honestly want me to come down there? Isn't it unholy to be suicidal?
I sighed, I knew that at some point I would have to give the ring back but I still couldn't bring myself to do that, "I'm so happy for you Ame's", I faked a smile.
"What about James? Aren't you happy for him?", Amy tried to pout but her happiness overwhelmed her and her face broke in a grin.
"Well...", I popped another m&m, "He got the shorter end of the stick"
She poked me in the stomach, "It would be so awesome! We're going big, gazillion guests, food, drink, music", she stretched her arms with a sigh.
"you know you need a mariage license before you're getting married?", I bet she didn't know this stupid detail either!
"Umm", she gave me a look, "of course you do, what kinda idiot doesn't know this stuff"
Me! And Gerard! And that stupid priest!
"Well it's about time", I smiled again, "You only dated like gabillion years"
"Gabillion isn't a number", she stated like it's the worst mistake someone could ever make.
"What's the closest to gabillion then?", I crossed my arms on my chest.
"I don't know", she poked me again, "Cause gabillion isn't a number"
"Details", I dismissed her with a wave of my hand.
"See you wouldn't have said that if someone owed you gabillion dollars and you wouldn't know how much is it"
I rolled my eyes, Amy could be so literal but she only did when she was happy so I didn't mind listening to her babble about how gabillion is not a number and how I shouldn't just throw numbers like that cause what if someone bet me to do something and I would say something like I bet you for a gabillion bucks I'd do it and lost, what would I do then? Gabillion sound like a lot money but I don't exactly how much is it and wouldn't know how much I owe Roberto (the person I apparently bet) and then BAM I find myself in a ditch cause I didn't know what a gabillion was.
I laughed, only Amy could logically explain how from not knowing how much gabillion I could find myself in a ditch.
"So where are you gonna do it?", I tried to distract Amy for the gabillionth time...Sorry, for the 739th time.
"I want to do it in a church the old way. James, however, convinced that Elvis marrying us would be much more exciting"
"Gotta agree with James", Amy gave me a look, "What he's the king after all"
"He was a freaking boy band member with a guitar and minus the rest of the band, if anyone deserves that title it's Freddy Mercury, now he can marry us anytime", Amy stole some of my m&m's.
"How about someone less dead?", I snickered.
"Oh and Elvis is not?", she smirked.
"Well some people spotted him, I bet that if you write him a nice letter he'd come and marry you".
"Are you serious?", Amy exclaimed.
"No", I grinned, "But Vegas is crawling with Elvis doubles".
"Hmm", Amy pondered, chewing slowly, "I wonder if I could find some Freddy doubles, that would be awesome"
I rolled my eyes, I bet my life and gabillion bucks James would call later on that evening and yell at me for the brainwashing I've done to his fiance and if I have any idea how much it cost to get a Freddy double.
"And I've been thinking about the colors, my sister says I should do like a fairy tale theme but I told her I'm not twelve so I don't know", Amy snapped back to reality, forgetting all about the doubles.
"It could be sweet, I can totally picture you as snow white", I framed her face with my fingers like photographers do when they want to capture something to see how it would look like on camera, but who am I to talk about photographers? I hadn't have a proper job for ages...Or any job.
"With horses and gnomes and witches?", she gave me a funny look.
"Well...", I stammered, Michelle had some ideas.
"Yeah, I thought so", she chuckled.
"there are so many things to plan and organize and..", she sighed, "but you know how it is", she motioned at my wedding ring.
I looked down, "Actually I don't".
She clasped her hand to her mouth, her eyes wide, "I'm so sorry Skyler. I didn't mean anything".
"That's OK", but the knot that so annoyingly formed in my stomach told a different story.
"I'm so so so very sorry", she tackled me in a hug, "I was so horrible talking about my wedding when things are going bad for you"
"It's OK", I rubbed her back, wishing she would just stop...I'm just about to divorce my Gerard who already found love with another girl but who for the life of me I can't let go, that's all. The life as I knew it, was crumbling around me and I tried my best to hold it together and I wasn't doing a very good job at it, I hated the emotional wreck I have become, crying and sobbing all the time, every tiny thing set me off, causing me to wail like a baby, and I hated the guilt that wrapped my heart like a blanket, and I hated the sense of lose I felt and the loneliness that threatened to overwhelm the minute my guard was down but other then that, no biggie...I'm not a patient or anything.
She let me go and the m&m's wrappers did the crunching sound when she did, she looked around, "What's this?"
"Hmm candy", I quickly wiped away the tears before she looked back at me.
"You never ate this much candy", she examined me sheepishly.
I shrugged, "Trying to canumb the pain"
"Hmm?", she wrinkled her eyebrows
"Numb feelings using candy", I giggled, "Canumb, Billy and I made that up"
"Oh my baby!", Amy explained and threw her arms around me once more, "You can't do this anymore"
She can say that again! But as long as I ignored the facts I was OK, I pretended that Gerard's just out of town like usual and it made things easier.
"You got to move on", I rolled my eyes.
Billy kept saying it too...I bet they had an entire discussion behind my back on how I can't keep hiding in my apartment and how I gotta go out and meet people, date, live.
I just tuned out everytime he went there, I expected the fact that I'm probably gonna live and breath and die alone and I prefer it that way then with someone who's not Gerard but they kept going on and on about it, I mean if it doesn't bother me why should it bother them?
"You should go out on a date", she let me go again.
"Amy", I moaned.
"Just listen, Jam's best man is like the sweetest guy ever! They know each other way back"
"Amy", I sighed.
"Oh come on!" she poked me yet again, who does she think I am? The pillsbury dough boy?, "It doesn't even have to be a proper date, we can all go, Billy, me, Jam, Ali, Haley, Cole, just like old times"
My lip trembled and the damn tears started rolling again, "I miss him so much".
She rubbed my arm, "I know but you can't turn back time, he moved on and you gotta too"
I sniffled, "He was there my entire life, how can I just forget everything? And I love him so much".
"Oh babe", she gave me this really pitiful look that I wish she didn't cause it made me feel much worse, I knew exactly what was going through her mind. She was thinking how miserable she'd be if this kinda shit happened to her and Jam and she feels even worse for me but at the same time she's glad that she gets to go home and Jam is there waiting for her unlike poor little Skyler who chased her happiness away, "So what do you say? A tiny little gathering? With you and Ryan?"
My first reaction was to refuse but then I thought about Liz and Gerard and that Ryan dude started to look like a pretty good option and if I absolutely hate him, I can always use a new friend but why did it feel like such a horrible betrayal.
"Skyler?", Amy nudged me.
I looked at her and nodded gently.
Amy shrieked, "Oh yay Skyler! Our best man and maid of honor together!"
I frowned, "First we're not together and second what the fuck?"
She slapped her hand on her forehead, "Shit! This is not how I was supposed to tell you!"
I kept on frowning for her to deliberate.
"I was hoping you'd be my maid of honor", she said shyly as though she's offering me her heart and soul.
I smiled, "I'd like that"
"Ooh we would have so much fun! A little sanity instead of my sister and her insane ideas", she clapped he hands like a little kid.
"Well if you're looking for sanity, I'm afraid you came to the wrong person", I chuckled, Ray and Mikey would agree with that.