2/2 of the double updates. Enjoy
Love you long time bb.
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What do I feel at the moment?
How do I feel at the moment?
One simple word.
It’s amazing how someone, whoever they are, the opposite sex, or the same sex, that one person that you love so much but hate at the same time can cause you so much happiness, but hurt all at the same time.
I think they like to call it love.
I sat alone in my bedroom.
Matt could tell as soon as he looked at me when I arrived home from school that I wasn’t to be tampered with.
I don’t usually cry over guys, but this particular one sparked my weakness.
Gerard Way. The one boy I had ever truly loved had broken my heart. But I couldn’t blame him for all of this, I did some of the breaking as well. That’s what I did.
It hurt me so much to not be with Gerard anymore, I missed him already, but something told me what I did was for the best, that he deserved it.
My mind was split in half. One half telling me one thing, the other telling me the complete opposite. This did nothing to make me feel better. If anything, it made it worse.
I felt so lost, so confused. I love him; I really, really do, more than anything. But I couldn’t just expect him to do something like that and let him get away with it. Not again.
If I could turn back time, I would do something to stop us being in this situation now. I don’t know what it would be, but it would be something.
Cause all I wanted to do now was make the pain go away.
I was lying down on my bed with my eyes closed, thinking what a complete screw up I am.
I’m such an idiot.
I had this amazing, gorgeous girl who I love more than I can ever explain, but I had to go and fuck that up just because some chick with huge tits comes onto me.
Okay, so I’m not going to lie, there is something for Kara there. But it’s nothing more than physical attraction. I know that now. She’s hot. But Rachel was more than that, more than Kara will ever will be.
But I was a stupid fuck and stuffed it all up just cause I couldn’t control myself.
The saying ‘you never truly know what you have until you’ve lost it’ is true. Now that I’ve lost Rachel, I fully realize how special she really is to me.
I need her. She makes me feel something that no one has ever made me feel before. I love her. I needed to feel her arms around me; I wanted to feel her presence, because when she’s near me, I know nothing can go wrong. I wanted to wrap my arms around her and kiss her more than anything else, but I couldn’t anymore, all because of my stupid mistakes.
If I could turn back time, I’d certainly do things differently. I wouldn’t mess around with Kara like I had. And I certainly wouldn’t of let her kiss me, or show up at my house.
If only I could actually do that, I’d still have Rachel.
I wanted to beg Rachel to not break up with me, but I knew she had made her decision. And I knew her that well enough that when Rachel makes a decision, she won’t let anyone tell her otherwise.
Part of me want to just run over to her house and tell her that I was deeply sorry, and that I can’t live without her. But I knew what would happen, she’d end up turning me down and telling me to go home, and I’d do that. Walking home slowly and tearfully as I thought about me losing on of the best friends I have ever had.
But the other part of me wanted to just stay back and let things cool down. There was no point in rushing things too soon. I knew it would be just too hard to do that with Rachel’s stubbornness.
And that’s what I decided to do. Stay back and let things cool down.
Cause either way; I had lost the love of my life, and the one person who I would remember forever. The person I called a best friend.