Categories > TV > House1 Reviews
In which Wilson has a severe anxiety attack. [House/Wilson]
Beta: Anna did an awsome job
Fandom: House MD
Setting: Sometime after the Tritter Arc
Wordcount: 1 209
Warnings: Explicit description of a panic attack
Disclaimer: I don't own House MD or any of the characters. I'm just playing around a little.
Summary: In which Wilson has a severe anxiety attack.
Author's Note: First of all I want to thank Anna for an excellent beta-job, and for the title. Truth to be told, this is a rewrite of a text I wrote a couple of months ago when I was having anxiety attacks very frequently (at least once or twice a week). This is a very personal piece for me, but constructive critique is as always very much appreciated.
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You are at his place, although he isn't. You know it's okay for you to be here, you have the keys and he gave you his consent. You are going through some of the paper work you took with you from work when it starts.
It doesn't feel like much at first. Just a slight feeling of discomfort, placed somewhere between the shoulder blades and the shoulders. You stretch a little and it feels a little better. You go back to your work.
You don't notice how the discomfort slowly expands until you suddenly feel it again, this time with twice as much force. It's not only the shoulders this time. It's your back, your chest, and your stomach that feels tense and strange too. Your neck seems weaker and your head is slightly bowed down. You don't feel good, but it's still just discomfort.
You try to continue reading, but this time the discomfort won't subside. You feel it because, in the back of your mind, you're constantly trying to see if it's spreading. It is. It now invades your chest, your heart and your lungs feel funny, your stomach tightens and the discomfort between your shoulder blades increases. It feels like something slippery and fish-like is swimming underneath the skin of your back. Your mind starts to wander and seems to start to work a bit differently, but you don't notice it because all your thoughts are focused on unpleasant things. Slowly your thoughts morph into memories of last Christmas and images of what could have happened by a single word, "No".
No. Your mind chants this single word over and over again, you hear your own voice in your head screaming it. The discomfort that has grown over time can't be called discomfort anymore, it's more of an ache. Your chest tightens, your heart races faster and you have slight trouble breathing. Your stomach is tight and hurts, you're bent over and your breathing is mere gasps. Your eyes are wide and you hear the rush of blood in your ears as you lose a skirmish in this battle for your mind and your inner screaming takes over.
You feel hunted, you want to run. You can feel how someone is after you, you just know that your life is in danger. But you can't run, you don't have any energy to move. Still, beside the indescribable ache all over your body, you feel restlessness and it feels like something is crawling under your skin.
You flail your leg just to get rid of the horrible feeling, and it helps a bit. But you can only flail for so long and soon you gasp for breath, exhausted. While you lay on your back trying to breathe, you feel your fear increases. It's getting harder to breathe. You must find something that helps, and fast.
Possible remedies flash before your eyes. That bottle of alcohol you know he keeps in the cabinet, the sleeping pills he keeps in the medicine cupboard. Another wave of torment washes over you. In sheer desperation you flail your hand and it hits the wall.
You feel a small amount of relief. You keep on smashing your hands and arms and legs and feet at the wall, the dull ache helping a bit. But soon your hands and arms and legs and feet are so sore that it doesn't help anymore. You lay down once again, feeling dead tired. You gasp for breath and find yourself hyperventilating. Your head begins to swim slightly from the exhaustion and lack of oxygen, when you feel how the fear grips you again, even worse than last time.
Last resorts flash before your mind. The knives in the cupboards in the kitchen, the Vicodin bottles that are scattered through the apartment, a gun you don't even know if he owns or not. You just know that this has to end, now.
You start to claw at your throat. The the sharp pain feels so different from the dull ache that it gives you a small relief. But your lungs won't work with you, you still can't breathe properly. The screaming in your head increases, the word "No" ringing in your head.
It isn't until you start clawing at your face and you feel damp skin that you realize that you're crying. Tears of hysteria and fear trickle down your cheeks from your eyes and drench your fingertips on your face. You begin to pull your hair and bite yourself, anything to make this horrible and untouchable pain become /real/. You just want it to stop, you want everything to go black. You don't care if you never wake up again or not, you just want this to end.
Everything dances before your eyes because of the tears and lack of oxygen. You feel your mind slowly slipping away.
You scream. You scream from the top of your lungs, you scream for all your worth. You're just about get up and fetch the knife when the door to the apartment slams open and a person rushes in and calls your name, but right now you're too lost in hysteria to be sure.
The person comes running to you, grips your wrists and pulls them away from you, stopping you from hurting yourself. The person is frozen for a moment but then pulls you towards itself and holds you tight. You desperately try to get air into your lungs as you're being held. You don't care who the person who holds you is, you just feel warmth and security, and breathing that is slower than your own.
The person says your name again and tells you to calm down, the voice is blurry and right now you don't really care what it says. Still you obey and try to draw air into your lungs. You force down a small amount of air and feel how it burns. Your throat and lungs are on fire. It hurts so much, but you keep forcing yourself to take deep breaths despite the pain.
The person awkwardly pats your back and mumbles words into your ear. Your brain won't recognize the words or even the tone of voice but you don't care, all you feel is that the one hunting you finally seems to slow down. The lower part of your lungs feels like they're burning up, but otherwise the pain starts to subside. Your mind clears a bit, you are finally able to think somewhat coherent. You now recognize the person who is holding you is. It's him.
As the fear fades away and numbness replaces the pain, you feel how exhausted you really are. He is still holding you, and in his strong arms you feel how you slowly drift to sleep. Your mind is blank, no images or thoughts are there. Just blissfully blank as sleep takes its hold of you. The hunt is over. You will be safe and out of harm's way until your hunter picks up his gun and starts chasing you again. It could be tomorrow or it could be next week, maybe even next month if you're really lucky.
You will have a hard time explaining this to him when you wake up.