Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Saint Lily
this took me forever to write. but, due to hate mail..i finished it. love love love/happy v day!
Lily sat on the edge of the bed in silence, staring out the window at the hazy view.
At the palm trees, the houses seemingly built into the hills.
The sun was setting, fading into the Los Angeles smog, almost as if it were a large yellow ball being swallowed whole.
Lily had taken this moment of silence
of solitude upstairs
to swallow a cocktail of pills with one swig from a can of stale, flat diet coke.
She placed the can back on Gerard’s bedside table as the vibrations came through the carpeted floor...as the sound of Ray’s guitar traveled to her.
Each experimental riff could be heard clearly as she sat on her perch at the edge of the unmade bed...as the stars struggled to pierce through the thick layer of chemicals and car exhaust.
Gerard’s wavering voice filled her ears...the pain and frustration in each word made her skin prickle slightly.
Suddenly she was fully aware of the pills melting slowly in her stomach...of the chemical’s promise of peace and serenity.....dull and calming...like warm water.
With each breath she became more at ease....and she closed her eyes as Gerard’s voice became stronger.
A bit awkward, but stronger none the less.
Each intake of oxygen was like a sugar coating....a warm breeze or a light kiss on the cheek.
She felt a t-shirt beneath her fingertips, no doubt one Gerard had tossed casually onto the mattress.
She could smell him...the same familiar smell she had become so used to.
It seemed like years ago.....
Was it his cologne..shampoo?
Or just the way he smelled naturally?
Crisp and sweet, yet musky...
Gerard was always beautiful without trying.
Lily’s eyes flew open as a familiar sound filled the air.
She turned to see her phone lighting up her previously darkened purse.
It illuminated the now dim room with a blue glow.
She grabbed the phone to see the screen display one word that usually meant trouble..
“Private”
Private calls were usually from people she didn’t want to hear.
Ex boyfriends.
‘Friends’ from elementary school and highschool who desperately wanted to reunite with her...
Or fans..that SOMEHOW acquired her number through forums or chat rooms...or possibly from the slip of her 15 year old cousin’s tongue.
Lily sighed deeply before pushing the green button,
“Hello?”
“Hello?” a familiar male voice echoed.
Lily paused, staring out the window with a furrowed brow, legs crossed,
“Will?” she asked apprehensively.
“Duh. Who else would it be?” he replied in his usual, tired, sarcastic tone.
Lily smirked,
“Well you’re calling from a private number...” she began, only to be cut off,
“Some girl stole my phone last week.” he explained impatiently, if not a bit embarassed.
“Stole your phone?” Lily echoed, brushing her hair away from her face,
“How could someone just STEAL your phone? And some girl?”
Will sighed, as if he were explaining how two plus two equals one,
“I was doing an interview....” he paused as a riff vibrated up Lily’s legs,
“ with the president of...myfanclub.” he mumbled quickly and deliberatley.
Lily laughed out loud,
“Your FANCLUB? Maybe YOU should have the marketing deal” Lily mused,
“ not me. T-shirts...lunchboxes..all with Will Hunter’s face on them.”
Will feigned amusement,
“Sounds like a GREAT idea. Anyway, “ he continued with a grunt and a sigh,
“she called herself with it and gave the number to her friends...and I got, like... 50 million phone calls in the past week.” Will grumbled casually,
“All from 16 year old girls.” his voice became distant, as if he were reaching for something,
“It’s like, are any of you even legal? Can’t I get..” he paused, and began chewing something over the reciever,
“Can’t I get arrested for even talking to you bitches?”
Lily laughed silently, shaking her head,
“So uh...” Will continued,
“old Bill’s got a new phone”
“And a MUCH needed ego boost, I’m sure.” Lily breathed with a smile.
The room was dark now..the only light from the cell phone.
“Mmmhmm...” Will agreed, “I desperately needed 40 million-“
“50 million.” Lily corrected
“Yeah uh, 50 million girls offering me themselves to make me smile when I look in my mirror..”
Will laughed, mouth full,
“When I look deep inside myself.”
Lily responded with a smile..and a shake of the head,
“But uh..anyways...” Will swallowed,
“ Bill now uses star 67 before every call.”
“Ok then.” Lily said with a shrug,
“How am I supposed to get a hold of you then? If you’re always blocking your number..” she asked skeptically, reaching over to turn on the bedside lamp.
“Whoa.” Will said in mock surprise,
“Sounds like somebody wants a Will Hunter t-shirt.”
“You got me.” Lily replied sarcastically.
There was a pause of brief silence before Will spoke again,
“Where are you anyway?”
Lily thought of lying for a moment, then decided against it.
“I’m uh...in L.A.” she admitted.
“Oh fuck, why?” Will said with what Lily imagined to be a disgusted wince.
Everytime the band was in L.A, Will was always the first to complain; loudly exclaiming about how he couldn’t breathe.
“I’m....helping Gerard with his new album.”
Will paused.
Lily’s heart began to beat faster...her face began to turn red...her palms began to sweat.
“You mean..” Will began slowly, casually,
“Helping him with his O face.”
“NO.” Lily quickly defended, “I am NOT.”
“Oh, ok..sure.” Will said with a sigh,
“When are you coming back? We’ve got to be at the recording studio for like, two days”
he broke off,
“Thank fucking God we’re almost done with that album..”
He continued,
“And we’ve got that new video...” Will trailed off.
“And speaking of new videos..”
Lily could hear the mischievous tone in his voice,
“Someone’s been telling me that a certain.../ dark prince/ has been calling you a lot lately...”
Lily rolled her eyes...
“And he wants you to like..sing on his new CD..and be in his new video.....” Will trailed off.
“Oh really, Bill?” Lily retorted mockingly, “Who’d you hear that from?”
“Entertainment Tonight. And People magazine. My mom reads it.” he explained dismissively,
“But uh..so what’s going on with that?” Will asked,
“Are you uh... ‘helping’ Ville Valo too?”
“No.” Lily replied impatiently.
“Are you sure?” Will pried.
Lily sat in silence,
“I was drunk.”
Suddenly she spotted a sketch book, sitting ever so inconspicuously on the floor, partially hidden by a pair of jeans.
She blocked out any accusations as she reached for it, pulling it onto her lap as Will talked about his previous encounters with Bam Margera and Ville Valo.
“And he like...invited me to skate with him sometime, and I was like, ‘Hell yeah’. But we were on tour so I couldn’t but..uh...I have since. And this one time he fucking pushed me into this pool they have, but they like..filled it with jello...”
Lily feigned interest as she flipped through the pages, staring at Gerard’s sketches.
Will seemed a bit TOO interested in her escapades with the Finnish singer....
There wasn’t much she could tell him..other than she was very drunk...and he was very persuasive.
And the next day she had large bruises on her neck.....her digital camera was full of pictures that she didn’t remember taking...and when she checked her email she found a message from heartagram.com, containing a video.
When she finally found the courage to play it, she was appalled to see herself sitting on Ville’s lap, visibly and audibly drunk. She repeatedly yelled at Bam for reasons unknown before snuggling back into the crook of Ville’s neck, where he stroked her shoulder and mumbled, in the lowest and most seductive voices,
“Yes dahling, Bam is a poor, miserable fuck, I know.”
When he finished comforting her he grinned at the camera, causing Bam to laugh loudly.
Other parts of the video revealed Lily professing her love for all of them, agreeing to be on the show, agreeing to model Bam’s new women’s clothing line, appear in Ville’s new video, and take body shots off of Ville’s tattooed stomach.
She had stopped the video as Ville began to lift up his shirt while she held a shot of tequila.
Since then she had received a call a day, each one revealing more things she had done that night.
And the funny thing was, she didn’t even remember giving Bam or Ville her number.
But..according to Ville...she wrote it on his stomach with a sharpie.
“So Bam says...you know..I called him because we’re friends...” Will continued,
“That you made out with Ville..or uh...Veel-ay...or whatever.”
Lily vaguely remembered this...in a smirnoff blur...
“Uh, I don’t remember.” she dismissed, flipping through the sketchbook casually.
Suddenly she paused.
Before her was an ink drawing..of a girl with long, hair..and a microphone.
Footsteps charged up the stairs.
Lily shut the sketchbook quickly before Gerard entered the room seconds later.
“Hey, what’reyoudoing?” he breathed.
“Is that Gerard?” Will asked, still on the line,
“So you ARE helping him with his O face...”
“Shut up, Will.” Lily replied quickly, turning her eyes intently to Gerard,
“I’m uh..just on the phone. Whats...going on?” she asked, slowly covering the sketchbook with the sheets.
“Oh uh...I just wanted you to hear some stuff we’ve been working on...tell Will I said hi.”
“Oh, ok I’ll come down right now.” Lily said with a smile, standing up,
“Just give me a sec.” she said, gesturing to her cellphone.
Gerard nodded before closing the door behind him.
She placed the sketchbook where it had been, covering it with the jeans as it had been before...it was as if she had never moved it.
After promising to come back soon, Lily ended her conversation with Will..who insisted he KNEW she was ‘dating that Finnish guy’.
As Gerard ran down the stairs...his phone vibrated against his thigh.
Kat.
-------------
“I don’t hear anything. I haven’t heard anything.” Lily insisted as Gerard lay down next to her.
“Well, not YET...” he mumbled, pulling the covers over himself.
“Well...I’ll be VERY surprised if anything goes bump in the night.” Lily said with a skeptical eyebrow raise.
She still had jet lag.
She wasn’t used to the time change.
She still had to call a taxi to take her back to the hotel.
And she didn’t believe the boys when they told her ghost stories about the mansion.
About bathtubs filling up.
Footsteps when no one was around.
And Gerard truly believed he was being choked in his sleep from time to time.
Lily, who was raised Catholic, did NOT believe in such things.
She had a hard time not laughing out loud as Frank and Bob told their tales.
And as Gerard lay there...looking so worn out...so tired from practice... from desperately trying to put together the pieces of a long awaited puzzle...Lily knew he was afraid to sleep.
But she could see it in his trembling eyelids....the purple shadows underneath his eyes...
He wanted to sleep..but he couldn’t.
Maybe it was his medication..
“How long has it been since you’ve...slept?” Lily asked, staring down at him with a frown.
“Ah....” Gerard mumbled aloud...
“I get about an hour or two...during the day. I sleep out on the couch.”
Lily furrowed her brow,
“One or TWO hours of sleep? A DAY? Are you serious?”
She cut herself off, remembering all the things Brian had explained to her on the phone.
Gerard had been legitimately depressed....
Maybe it was his medication, like Lily had thought..or maybe it was really due to lack of sleep.
And maybe he really DID hear things...
Lily looked around the room...straining to hear something...anything that would prove Gerard and the rest of the boys were right.
“Well....I’ve been here all day...And..” she stared up at the ceiling,
“Alone in the dark....and nothing has happened.”
Lily sighed, running a finger over her ankle,
“Maybe what you guys really needed was a good old Irish Catholic girl...rid this place of demons, huh?”
Lily laughed at how silly it sounded...
HER...a GOOD Catholic?
Who was she kidding.
Her and God had had their disagreements..and Lily hadn’t prayed until last year..after...
“Hey Lily?”
“Hmm?” she snapped back from her thoughts.
“Thanks for coming...it...” he paused, staring up at her with his large, hazel eyes..so light and creamy...almost crystal at the same time...
“It really meant a lot to me.”
Lily smiled,
“Of..of course. You know it was nothing.”
Gerard hummed softly, propping his head up with his elbow,
“We got a lot done today. You really helped us out. I mean..that bridge was pretty dumb. And I’m glad you came up with that rhyme scheme. That saved the song.”
Lily shrugged,
“I do what I can...” she mumbled softly..watching Gerard’s eyelids flutter.
“Tired?” she asked gently...quietly.
“Yeah but...I don’t know if I can sleep..” he slurred, head resting on the pillow.
“Well..” Lily whispered, resisting the urge to reach out and touch him..stroke his face,
“You can always try...”
------------------
Gerard woke up at 10...warm, thick streaks of sunlight spilling through the open curtains.
He squinted as he looked around the room...his ears picking up the distant strumming of a guitar or two.
His head felt full...content.
It was as if his mind had been aching for those 9 hours of sleep.
And then...he heard something he hadn’t heard in a long time.
Lily’s voice..gently drifting through the barren, haunted halls of Paramour mansion.
He sat up in bed...a crooked smile spreading across his face.
What was she singing anyway?
-----------
Lily ran her hands across her forehead.
She had gotten little to no sleep last night.
Not only was it awkward...being so close to Gerard...but she couldn’t help but feel like she was being watched.
And there was the most subtle tap tap tap on the wall every once in a while....
Ray handed her a cup of coffee, drowned in vanilla creamer.
She mumbled a thank you before taking a large, searing sip.
She ignored the sizzling sensation on her tongue, and savored the caffeine absorbing into her blood stream.
She and Ray had been collaborating minutes prior...he on the acoustic guitar, Lily singing softly..partly because she desperately needed the coffee quietly percolating on the kitchen counter..and partly because she had gotten little to no sleep.
But there was no way in hell she would support any ‘ghost’ theories any of them had.
Moments later Gerard joined them...looking brighter than ever.
Had it only been a day since she had first came here?
His eyes seemed wider....and Ray noticed a light shining from his boyish grin as he reached for the coffee pot.
Lily’s arrival was a breath of fresh air.
It was as if all the windows were opened in that strange mansion...letting in the sun.
The warm, comforting sun that melted away the shadows and the ghosts, sparkling and bouncing off the hardwood floor and faux persian rugs.
And it showed in Gerard’s face....the way he walked....spoke faster...
with life....fire... in his previously cold, hazel eyes.
And it wasn’t the caffeine.
And Bob noted, as he watched Lily speak...her pink lips pursed with every syllable...that she too was alive again.
It was as if they were each other’s oxygen...a time machine; to when things were better...purer.
And Bob remembered, with a hidden smile, how much both of them had changed..grown.
It seemed like so long ago that they were both so much younger...Gerard with his long, greasy hair..his slurred words and chubby face.
And Lily..with her long, long blond hair..her wide eyed innocence...but yet there was always something more.
There was a vulnerability inside her..he could see it.
It was as if she had a horrible secret she was trying to cover...to forget.
But it controlled her..the shame of who she was...controlled her.
And he could still see it...in the way she stared at the floor...in the way she smiled weakly...blue eyes transfixed upon a mug of coffee.
But there was this frailty about her....but strength at the same time.
And it was sad..but beautiful at the same time...the way she had changed...the way BOTH of them had changed.
And as she looked up into his eyes...catching him off guard...
He knew...
They all knew....
She wasn’t letting it control her anymore.
“You know, I didn’t have any nightmares last night...” Gerard noted, draining a cup of black coffee.
Lily stared at the counter in silence.
She thought of all her luggage in her hotel room...the music video she was supposed to record...the new album that they were finishing...
She took another large sip of coffee.....
“You know..I’m gonna go take a shower.”
Lily thought aloud.
She surely needed it.
She imagined the water would be just what she needed to wake up.
Maybe it was this house that drained her...or maybe it was lack of sleep.
As the water hit her body...she listened to the boys downstairs.
She could hear everything..the drums..the guitars...Gerard’s struggle with lyrics.
It all made her eager to finish HER new album..
Or what was called her ‘comeback’.
The Critics were all waiting for her to fail...to cry on camera...to start doing cocaine again...to exit a limo in a mini skirt with no underwear.
But she was determined to make it again..to prove that she had the strength and creativity to blow them away.
And to give her fans something to be proud about.
And she knew she would.
She had to..there was no other way.
She pulled on a clean, black t-shirt, hanging from a hook on the door.
She grinned as she read the yellow and red print.
‘Toro-saurus’.
“Ray, I’m borrowing your t-shirt.” Lily mumbled as she bent over, drying her hair aggressively with a towel...making sure to avoid tearing out her cartilage piercings.
She ran her fingers through her hair as she walked out of the bathroom, listening half heartedly to the music being made downstairs.
She passed them as she grabbed her shoes, which lay next to the couch.
Ray gave her a thumbs up as she walked past, pointing to her chest.
“I’ll give it back , I just had nothing else to wear.” she yelled over Frank’s guitar.
5 minutes later...as she put everything back in her purse....as she sat on Gerard’s bed...
She thought of the sketchbook with the girl inside it...the girl that bore an uncanny resemblence to herself.
She thought of that song..scrawled angrily across a worn sheet of paper....
Would you have the guts to say..I don’t love you..
As all these thoughts swirled across her mind....she closed her eyes..grabbing Gerard’s pillow and pulling it to her....
She could smell him....
Thick, yellow streaks of sunlight striped her body....warming her as she began to breathe gently..in a rhythm..as she breathed him in...
You make me feel like I’m falling....
And minutes later..she had fallen asleep.
----------------
Gerard opened his bedroom door, spiral notebook in hand,
“Hey I just made some re-“ he cut off as he saw Lily laying on his bed, eyes closed..breathing softly.
She must have drifted off.
Without thinking, he crossed the room quietly, taking a seat next to her carefully...the bed sinking slightly.
And he sat there..for 10 minutes or so..just staring at the curves of her face...the rise and fall of her body...the way she clung to a pillow..pulled tightly to her chest....
She looked so peaceful, barely moving at all...almost as if she were...
No,
Gerard shook his head,
He could never think about Lily dead...never.
Instead...he thought of the way she whispered...the way she sang...the color of her eyes...
He wanted to reach out and touch her.
To tell her...in the most gentle of tones,
that he owed her so much.
That he would put her name in the Thank You list of the album...
That he couldn’t change all the times he had mistreated her..had made her cry..but he was SORRY....
And with a pang in his chest..he realized that she would be leaving soon.
And he would be recording...
He didn’t know when he would see her again...
He wanted to run his fingertips gently across her forehead..across her cheek.
Lily stirred in her sleep.
“Listen I...” he whispered under his breath, words barely audible,
“I’m sorry I’ve been a prick...and...” he paused before continuing, staring at her body for any signs of conciousness,
“I know you’re what I need.” he paused,
“I know you’re who I should be with...it’s always been that way...but...”
He stared at her freckles,
“I’m afraid I’ll fuck things up...” he closed his eyes,
“I’m afraid I’ll make you hate me again...and..that’d be like a knife to the chest...”he broke off,
“You...” he whispered, “you make me alive. And...when I’m with you..I’m not afraid...” he stopped,
“I” he whispered, “I love you.”
His fingertips trembled slightly as he brushed one finger against her arm before standing up.
He grabbed a pen from the bedside table and...
------------
Lily left an hour later, much to the dismay and disappointment of the band.
But, they did realize that she too was recording a new album..and she too had a lot of pressure on her.
They saw her to the taxi cab before walking back into the mansion...all except for Gerard.
He had said his goodbyes to her in private...hugging her for about 10 seconds too long..giving her a kiss on the cheek..and one last squeeze on the hand.
“Thanks.” he said weakly, staring at the ground,
“I owe you one...” he trailed off,
“If you ever need anything...” he stared up at her,
“Just call me.”
Lily nodded,
“Yeah...I..” she broke off, staring into his hazel eyes,
“I will.”
Gerard nodded slowly...staring at the ground before looking up at her.
She was still wearing Ray’s shirt...
“Hey..” he began, pulling a folded piece of paper from his pocket,
“Take this.” he said, grabbing Lily’s hand and placing it inside.
“Open it later...”
Lily had smiled weakly,
“Alright.”
Before she turned away she engulfed him in a hug, kissing him gently on the ear.
She ran her fingers playfully through his short, bleached hair,
“See you later, blondie.”
Gerard laughed softly,
“You too.”
And there was a moment of silence where the both stared at each other....wondering whether the other was going to say something more.
Waiting, almost painfully for the other to reach out....
Lily nodded before giving him a small wave,
“Bye.”
“Bye.” he whispered, resisting the urge to pull her back in through the door....
Now, Gerard sat alone in his room, scribbling away.
He had ignored 3 calls from Kat...and was not surprised when his phone began to vibrate across the bed once more.
With a sigh...he picked up the phone.
He knew what he needed to do.
Kat had been there for him for years.
He never had to explain anything to her because she always knew.
But...she treated him like a child.
Like an ignorant..naive child.
She knew his weaknesses....his strengths.
What set him off....
And she used it.
She didn’t love him.
She loved the IDEA of him.
Of Gerard Way, lead singer of My Chemical Romance.
She hated him when he was on cocaine and Xanax...and had only stayed with him ‘out of the goodness of her heart’.
And suddenly...she had crawled back into his life.
Pulling at him with memories..tales of the good old days, reminding him of their history..of how long they had been together.
And he had needed someone...anyone..and it was so dark and she was familiar...she KNEW him...she was a cold, cold comfort...
“It’s..done. I can’t...” Gerard broke off, “Do this again...anymore” he said paused, listening to her with a blank expression before interjecting,
“No. I’m done talking about it. I’ve...I’ve got to go. Don’t call me anymore. Sorry.” he said coldly, stiffly.
He hung up before she could respond..picked up his pen as he heard a taxi pull away onto the Los Angeles streets...
----------------------------------------
“HEY!” Gerard announced, hopping off the last step,
“I’ve got it. I’ve got the intro!”
Ray looked up from his guitar, which he had been plucking lazily,
“Oh yeah?” he asked casually.
“Let’s hear it.” Bob mumbled half heartedly.
Gerard opened up to the page in the spiral notebook.
He began to tap his foot aggressively as he read aloud in a rhythm,
“No I know..that I cant make you stay. But where’s your heart? But where’s your heart..but where’s your NO NO there’s nothing I can say to change that part.....to change...”
Ray began to strum his guitar to the tune of Gerard’s voice.
“Youre a bright light that kills the shadows..but can I speak?”
He paused, breaking off to tap his foot and shake his head, scribbling a note or two upon the paper.
He chewed at his lip as Ray and Frank tested out melodies.
“I think I...got it.” Gerard mumbled, staring at the paper.
“Almost...” he added, staring at the lyrics with a furrowed brow.
He took a breath, continuing to stomp his foot, as he closed his eyes...almost determined,
“I am NOT afraid to keep on living, I am NOT afraid to walk this world alone...honey if you stay I’ll be forgiving..but nothing YOU can say can stop me coming home.”
Gerard took a breath before focusing on the paper,
“And I see you lying next to me..with words I thought I’d never speak again...” he broke off before repeating himself,
“With words I thought I’d never speak. Awake and unafraid.... Asleep, or dead...”
-------------------
Lily unwrapped the folded up piece of paper.
In her hand was the drawing from the sketchbook...of the girl with the microphone..and next to it..in fresh ink....was a new sketch..
of the same girl sleeping..
love, Gerard
Lily sat on the edge of the bed in silence, staring out the window at the hazy view.
At the palm trees, the houses seemingly built into the hills.
The sun was setting, fading into the Los Angeles smog, almost as if it were a large yellow ball being swallowed whole.
Lily had taken this moment of silence
of solitude upstairs
to swallow a cocktail of pills with one swig from a can of stale, flat diet coke.
She placed the can back on Gerard’s bedside table as the vibrations came through the carpeted floor...as the sound of Ray’s guitar traveled to her.
Each experimental riff could be heard clearly as she sat on her perch at the edge of the unmade bed...as the stars struggled to pierce through the thick layer of chemicals and car exhaust.
Gerard’s wavering voice filled her ears...the pain and frustration in each word made her skin prickle slightly.
Suddenly she was fully aware of the pills melting slowly in her stomach...of the chemical’s promise of peace and serenity.....dull and calming...like warm water.
With each breath she became more at ease....and she closed her eyes as Gerard’s voice became stronger.
A bit awkward, but stronger none the less.
Each intake of oxygen was like a sugar coating....a warm breeze or a light kiss on the cheek.
She felt a t-shirt beneath her fingertips, no doubt one Gerard had tossed casually onto the mattress.
She could smell him...the same familiar smell she had become so used to.
It seemed like years ago.....
Was it his cologne..shampoo?
Or just the way he smelled naturally?
Crisp and sweet, yet musky...
Gerard was always beautiful without trying.
Lily’s eyes flew open as a familiar sound filled the air.
She turned to see her phone lighting up her previously darkened purse.
It illuminated the now dim room with a blue glow.
She grabbed the phone to see the screen display one word that usually meant trouble..
“Private”
Private calls were usually from people she didn’t want to hear.
Ex boyfriends.
‘Friends’ from elementary school and highschool who desperately wanted to reunite with her...
Or fans..that SOMEHOW acquired her number through forums or chat rooms...or possibly from the slip of her 15 year old cousin’s tongue.
Lily sighed deeply before pushing the green button,
“Hello?”
“Hello?” a familiar male voice echoed.
Lily paused, staring out the window with a furrowed brow, legs crossed,
“Will?” she asked apprehensively.
“Duh. Who else would it be?” he replied in his usual, tired, sarcastic tone.
Lily smirked,
“Well you’re calling from a private number...” she began, only to be cut off,
“Some girl stole my phone last week.” he explained impatiently, if not a bit embarassed.
“Stole your phone?” Lily echoed, brushing her hair away from her face,
“How could someone just STEAL your phone? And some girl?”
Will sighed, as if he were explaining how two plus two equals one,
“I was doing an interview....” he paused as a riff vibrated up Lily’s legs,
“ with the president of...myfanclub.” he mumbled quickly and deliberatley.
Lily laughed out loud,
“Your FANCLUB? Maybe YOU should have the marketing deal” Lily mused,
“ not me. T-shirts...lunchboxes..all with Will Hunter’s face on them.”
Will feigned amusement,
“Sounds like a GREAT idea. Anyway, “ he continued with a grunt and a sigh,
“she called herself with it and gave the number to her friends...and I got, like... 50 million phone calls in the past week.” Will grumbled casually,
“All from 16 year old girls.” his voice became distant, as if he were reaching for something,
“It’s like, are any of you even legal? Can’t I get..” he paused, and began chewing something over the reciever,
“Can’t I get arrested for even talking to you bitches?”
Lily laughed silently, shaking her head,
“So uh...” Will continued,
“old Bill’s got a new phone”
“And a MUCH needed ego boost, I’m sure.” Lily breathed with a smile.
The room was dark now..the only light from the cell phone.
“Mmmhmm...” Will agreed, “I desperately needed 40 million-“
“50 million.” Lily corrected
“Yeah uh, 50 million girls offering me themselves to make me smile when I look in my mirror..”
Will laughed, mouth full,
“When I look deep inside myself.”
Lily responded with a smile..and a shake of the head,
“But uh..anyways...” Will swallowed,
“ Bill now uses star 67 before every call.”
“Ok then.” Lily said with a shrug,
“How am I supposed to get a hold of you then? If you’re always blocking your number..” she asked skeptically, reaching over to turn on the bedside lamp.
“Whoa.” Will said in mock surprise,
“Sounds like somebody wants a Will Hunter t-shirt.”
“You got me.” Lily replied sarcastically.
There was a pause of brief silence before Will spoke again,
“Where are you anyway?”
Lily thought of lying for a moment, then decided against it.
“I’m uh...in L.A.” she admitted.
“Oh fuck, why?” Will said with what Lily imagined to be a disgusted wince.
Everytime the band was in L.A, Will was always the first to complain; loudly exclaiming about how he couldn’t breathe.
“I’m....helping Gerard with his new album.”
Will paused.
Lily’s heart began to beat faster...her face began to turn red...her palms began to sweat.
“You mean..” Will began slowly, casually,
“Helping him with his O face.”
“NO.” Lily quickly defended, “I am NOT.”
“Oh, ok..sure.” Will said with a sigh,
“When are you coming back? We’ve got to be at the recording studio for like, two days”
he broke off,
“Thank fucking God we’re almost done with that album..”
He continued,
“And we’ve got that new video...” Will trailed off.
“And speaking of new videos..”
Lily could hear the mischievous tone in his voice,
“Someone’s been telling me that a certain.../ dark prince/ has been calling you a lot lately...”
Lily rolled her eyes...
“And he wants you to like..sing on his new CD..and be in his new video.....” Will trailed off.
“Oh really, Bill?” Lily retorted mockingly, “Who’d you hear that from?”
“Entertainment Tonight. And People magazine. My mom reads it.” he explained dismissively,
“But uh..so what’s going on with that?” Will asked,
“Are you uh... ‘helping’ Ville Valo too?”
“No.” Lily replied impatiently.
“Are you sure?” Will pried.
Lily sat in silence,
“I was drunk.”
Suddenly she spotted a sketch book, sitting ever so inconspicuously on the floor, partially hidden by a pair of jeans.
She blocked out any accusations as she reached for it, pulling it onto her lap as Will talked about his previous encounters with Bam Margera and Ville Valo.
“And he like...invited me to skate with him sometime, and I was like, ‘Hell yeah’. But we were on tour so I couldn’t but..uh...I have since. And this one time he fucking pushed me into this pool they have, but they like..filled it with jello...”
Lily feigned interest as she flipped through the pages, staring at Gerard’s sketches.
Will seemed a bit TOO interested in her escapades with the Finnish singer....
There wasn’t much she could tell him..other than she was very drunk...and he was very persuasive.
And the next day she had large bruises on her neck.....her digital camera was full of pictures that she didn’t remember taking...and when she checked her email she found a message from heartagram.com, containing a video.
When she finally found the courage to play it, she was appalled to see herself sitting on Ville’s lap, visibly and audibly drunk. She repeatedly yelled at Bam for reasons unknown before snuggling back into the crook of Ville’s neck, where he stroked her shoulder and mumbled, in the lowest and most seductive voices,
“Yes dahling, Bam is a poor, miserable fuck, I know.”
When he finished comforting her he grinned at the camera, causing Bam to laugh loudly.
Other parts of the video revealed Lily professing her love for all of them, agreeing to be on the show, agreeing to model Bam’s new women’s clothing line, appear in Ville’s new video, and take body shots off of Ville’s tattooed stomach.
She had stopped the video as Ville began to lift up his shirt while she held a shot of tequila.
Since then she had received a call a day, each one revealing more things she had done that night.
And the funny thing was, she didn’t even remember giving Bam or Ville her number.
But..according to Ville...she wrote it on his stomach with a sharpie.
“So Bam says...you know..I called him because we’re friends...” Will continued,
“That you made out with Ville..or uh...Veel-ay...or whatever.”
Lily vaguely remembered this...in a smirnoff blur...
“Uh, I don’t remember.” she dismissed, flipping through the sketchbook casually.
Suddenly she paused.
Before her was an ink drawing..of a girl with long, hair..and a microphone.
Footsteps charged up the stairs.
Lily shut the sketchbook quickly before Gerard entered the room seconds later.
“Hey, what’reyoudoing?” he breathed.
“Is that Gerard?” Will asked, still on the line,
“So you ARE helping him with his O face...”
“Shut up, Will.” Lily replied quickly, turning her eyes intently to Gerard,
“I’m uh..just on the phone. Whats...going on?” she asked, slowly covering the sketchbook with the sheets.
“Oh uh...I just wanted you to hear some stuff we’ve been working on...tell Will I said hi.”
“Oh, ok I’ll come down right now.” Lily said with a smile, standing up,
“Just give me a sec.” she said, gesturing to her cellphone.
Gerard nodded before closing the door behind him.
She placed the sketchbook where it had been, covering it with the jeans as it had been before...it was as if she had never moved it.
After promising to come back soon, Lily ended her conversation with Will..who insisted he KNEW she was ‘dating that Finnish guy’.
As Gerard ran down the stairs...his phone vibrated against his thigh.
Kat.
-------------
“I don’t hear anything. I haven’t heard anything.” Lily insisted as Gerard lay down next to her.
“Well, not YET...” he mumbled, pulling the covers over himself.
“Well...I’ll be VERY surprised if anything goes bump in the night.” Lily said with a skeptical eyebrow raise.
She still had jet lag.
She wasn’t used to the time change.
She still had to call a taxi to take her back to the hotel.
And she didn’t believe the boys when they told her ghost stories about the mansion.
About bathtubs filling up.
Footsteps when no one was around.
And Gerard truly believed he was being choked in his sleep from time to time.
Lily, who was raised Catholic, did NOT believe in such things.
She had a hard time not laughing out loud as Frank and Bob told their tales.
And as Gerard lay there...looking so worn out...so tired from practice... from desperately trying to put together the pieces of a long awaited puzzle...Lily knew he was afraid to sleep.
But she could see it in his trembling eyelids....the purple shadows underneath his eyes...
He wanted to sleep..but he couldn’t.
Maybe it was his medication..
“How long has it been since you’ve...slept?” Lily asked, staring down at him with a frown.
“Ah....” Gerard mumbled aloud...
“I get about an hour or two...during the day. I sleep out on the couch.”
Lily furrowed her brow,
“One or TWO hours of sleep? A DAY? Are you serious?”
She cut herself off, remembering all the things Brian had explained to her on the phone.
Gerard had been legitimately depressed....
Maybe it was his medication, like Lily had thought..or maybe it was really due to lack of sleep.
And maybe he really DID hear things...
Lily looked around the room...straining to hear something...anything that would prove Gerard and the rest of the boys were right.
“Well....I’ve been here all day...And..” she stared up at the ceiling,
“Alone in the dark....and nothing has happened.”
Lily sighed, running a finger over her ankle,
“Maybe what you guys really needed was a good old Irish Catholic girl...rid this place of demons, huh?”
Lily laughed at how silly it sounded...
HER...a GOOD Catholic?
Who was she kidding.
Her and God had had their disagreements..and Lily hadn’t prayed until last year..after...
“Hey Lily?”
“Hmm?” she snapped back from her thoughts.
“Thanks for coming...it...” he paused, staring up at her with his large, hazel eyes..so light and creamy...almost crystal at the same time...
“It really meant a lot to me.”
Lily smiled,
“Of..of course. You know it was nothing.”
Gerard hummed softly, propping his head up with his elbow,
“We got a lot done today. You really helped us out. I mean..that bridge was pretty dumb. And I’m glad you came up with that rhyme scheme. That saved the song.”
Lily shrugged,
“I do what I can...” she mumbled softly..watching Gerard’s eyelids flutter.
“Tired?” she asked gently...quietly.
“Yeah but...I don’t know if I can sleep..” he slurred, head resting on the pillow.
“Well..” Lily whispered, resisting the urge to reach out and touch him..stroke his face,
“You can always try...”
------------------
Gerard woke up at 10...warm, thick streaks of sunlight spilling through the open curtains.
He squinted as he looked around the room...his ears picking up the distant strumming of a guitar or two.
His head felt full...content.
It was as if his mind had been aching for those 9 hours of sleep.
And then...he heard something he hadn’t heard in a long time.
Lily’s voice..gently drifting through the barren, haunted halls of Paramour mansion.
He sat up in bed...a crooked smile spreading across his face.
What was she singing anyway?
-----------
Lily ran her hands across her forehead.
She had gotten little to no sleep last night.
Not only was it awkward...being so close to Gerard...but she couldn’t help but feel like she was being watched.
And there was the most subtle tap tap tap on the wall every once in a while....
Ray handed her a cup of coffee, drowned in vanilla creamer.
She mumbled a thank you before taking a large, searing sip.
She ignored the sizzling sensation on her tongue, and savored the caffeine absorbing into her blood stream.
She and Ray had been collaborating minutes prior...he on the acoustic guitar, Lily singing softly..partly because she desperately needed the coffee quietly percolating on the kitchen counter..and partly because she had gotten little to no sleep.
But there was no way in hell she would support any ‘ghost’ theories any of them had.
Moments later Gerard joined them...looking brighter than ever.
Had it only been a day since she had first came here?
His eyes seemed wider....and Ray noticed a light shining from his boyish grin as he reached for the coffee pot.
Lily’s arrival was a breath of fresh air.
It was as if all the windows were opened in that strange mansion...letting in the sun.
The warm, comforting sun that melted away the shadows and the ghosts, sparkling and bouncing off the hardwood floor and faux persian rugs.
And it showed in Gerard’s face....the way he walked....spoke faster...
with life....fire... in his previously cold, hazel eyes.
And it wasn’t the caffeine.
And Bob noted, as he watched Lily speak...her pink lips pursed with every syllable...that she too was alive again.
It was as if they were each other’s oxygen...a time machine; to when things were better...purer.
And Bob remembered, with a hidden smile, how much both of them had changed..grown.
It seemed like so long ago that they were both so much younger...Gerard with his long, greasy hair..his slurred words and chubby face.
And Lily..with her long, long blond hair..her wide eyed innocence...but yet there was always something more.
There was a vulnerability inside her..he could see it.
It was as if she had a horrible secret she was trying to cover...to forget.
But it controlled her..the shame of who she was...controlled her.
And he could still see it...in the way she stared at the floor...in the way she smiled weakly...blue eyes transfixed upon a mug of coffee.
But there was this frailty about her....but strength at the same time.
And it was sad..but beautiful at the same time...the way she had changed...the way BOTH of them had changed.
And as she looked up into his eyes...catching him off guard...
He knew...
They all knew....
She wasn’t letting it control her anymore.
“You know, I didn’t have any nightmares last night...” Gerard noted, draining a cup of black coffee.
Lily stared at the counter in silence.
She thought of all her luggage in her hotel room...the music video she was supposed to record...the new album that they were finishing...
She took another large sip of coffee.....
“You know..I’m gonna go take a shower.”
Lily thought aloud.
She surely needed it.
She imagined the water would be just what she needed to wake up.
Maybe it was this house that drained her...or maybe it was lack of sleep.
As the water hit her body...she listened to the boys downstairs.
She could hear everything..the drums..the guitars...Gerard’s struggle with lyrics.
It all made her eager to finish HER new album..
Or what was called her ‘comeback’.
The Critics were all waiting for her to fail...to cry on camera...to start doing cocaine again...to exit a limo in a mini skirt with no underwear.
But she was determined to make it again..to prove that she had the strength and creativity to blow them away.
And to give her fans something to be proud about.
And she knew she would.
She had to..there was no other way.
She pulled on a clean, black t-shirt, hanging from a hook on the door.
She grinned as she read the yellow and red print.
‘Toro-saurus’.
“Ray, I’m borrowing your t-shirt.” Lily mumbled as she bent over, drying her hair aggressively with a towel...making sure to avoid tearing out her cartilage piercings.
She ran her fingers through her hair as she walked out of the bathroom, listening half heartedly to the music being made downstairs.
She passed them as she grabbed her shoes, which lay next to the couch.
Ray gave her a thumbs up as she walked past, pointing to her chest.
“I’ll give it back , I just had nothing else to wear.” she yelled over Frank’s guitar.
5 minutes later...as she put everything back in her purse....as she sat on Gerard’s bed...
She thought of the sketchbook with the girl inside it...the girl that bore an uncanny resemblence to herself.
She thought of that song..scrawled angrily across a worn sheet of paper....
Would you have the guts to say..I don’t love you..
As all these thoughts swirled across her mind....she closed her eyes..grabbing Gerard’s pillow and pulling it to her....
She could smell him....
Thick, yellow streaks of sunlight striped her body....warming her as she began to breathe gently..in a rhythm..as she breathed him in...
You make me feel like I’m falling....
And minutes later..she had fallen asleep.
----------------
Gerard opened his bedroom door, spiral notebook in hand,
“Hey I just made some re-“ he cut off as he saw Lily laying on his bed, eyes closed..breathing softly.
She must have drifted off.
Without thinking, he crossed the room quietly, taking a seat next to her carefully...the bed sinking slightly.
And he sat there..for 10 minutes or so..just staring at the curves of her face...the rise and fall of her body...the way she clung to a pillow..pulled tightly to her chest....
She looked so peaceful, barely moving at all...almost as if she were...
No,
Gerard shook his head,
He could never think about Lily dead...never.
Instead...he thought of the way she whispered...the way she sang...the color of her eyes...
He wanted to reach out and touch her.
To tell her...in the most gentle of tones,
that he owed her so much.
That he would put her name in the Thank You list of the album...
That he couldn’t change all the times he had mistreated her..had made her cry..but he was SORRY....
And with a pang in his chest..he realized that she would be leaving soon.
And he would be recording...
He didn’t know when he would see her again...
He wanted to run his fingertips gently across her forehead..across her cheek.
Lily stirred in her sleep.
“Listen I...” he whispered under his breath, words barely audible,
“I’m sorry I’ve been a prick...and...” he paused before continuing, staring at her body for any signs of conciousness,
“I know you’re what I need.” he paused,
“I know you’re who I should be with...it’s always been that way...but...”
He stared at her freckles,
“I’m afraid I’ll fuck things up...” he closed his eyes,
“I’m afraid I’ll make you hate me again...and..that’d be like a knife to the chest...”he broke off,
“You...” he whispered, “you make me alive. And...when I’m with you..I’m not afraid...” he stopped,
“I” he whispered, “I love you.”
His fingertips trembled slightly as he brushed one finger against her arm before standing up.
He grabbed a pen from the bedside table and...
------------
Lily left an hour later, much to the dismay and disappointment of the band.
But, they did realize that she too was recording a new album..and she too had a lot of pressure on her.
They saw her to the taxi cab before walking back into the mansion...all except for Gerard.
He had said his goodbyes to her in private...hugging her for about 10 seconds too long..giving her a kiss on the cheek..and one last squeeze on the hand.
“Thanks.” he said weakly, staring at the ground,
“I owe you one...” he trailed off,
“If you ever need anything...” he stared up at her,
“Just call me.”
Lily nodded,
“Yeah...I..” she broke off, staring into his hazel eyes,
“I will.”
Gerard nodded slowly...staring at the ground before looking up at her.
She was still wearing Ray’s shirt...
“Hey..” he began, pulling a folded piece of paper from his pocket,
“Take this.” he said, grabbing Lily’s hand and placing it inside.
“Open it later...”
Lily had smiled weakly,
“Alright.”
Before she turned away she engulfed him in a hug, kissing him gently on the ear.
She ran her fingers playfully through his short, bleached hair,
“See you later, blondie.”
Gerard laughed softly,
“You too.”
And there was a moment of silence where the both stared at each other....wondering whether the other was going to say something more.
Waiting, almost painfully for the other to reach out....
Lily nodded before giving him a small wave,
“Bye.”
“Bye.” he whispered, resisting the urge to pull her back in through the door....
Now, Gerard sat alone in his room, scribbling away.
He had ignored 3 calls from Kat...and was not surprised when his phone began to vibrate across the bed once more.
With a sigh...he picked up the phone.
He knew what he needed to do.
Kat had been there for him for years.
He never had to explain anything to her because she always knew.
But...she treated him like a child.
Like an ignorant..naive child.
She knew his weaknesses....his strengths.
What set him off....
And she used it.
She didn’t love him.
She loved the IDEA of him.
Of Gerard Way, lead singer of My Chemical Romance.
She hated him when he was on cocaine and Xanax...and had only stayed with him ‘out of the goodness of her heart’.
And suddenly...she had crawled back into his life.
Pulling at him with memories..tales of the good old days, reminding him of their history..of how long they had been together.
And he had needed someone...anyone..and it was so dark and she was familiar...she KNEW him...she was a cold, cold comfort...
“It’s..done. I can’t...” Gerard broke off, “Do this again...anymore” he said paused, listening to her with a blank expression before interjecting,
“No. I’m done talking about it. I’ve...I’ve got to go. Don’t call me anymore. Sorry.” he said coldly, stiffly.
He hung up before she could respond..picked up his pen as he heard a taxi pull away onto the Los Angeles streets...
----------------------------------------
“HEY!” Gerard announced, hopping off the last step,
“I’ve got it. I’ve got the intro!”
Ray looked up from his guitar, which he had been plucking lazily,
“Oh yeah?” he asked casually.
“Let’s hear it.” Bob mumbled half heartedly.
Gerard opened up to the page in the spiral notebook.
He began to tap his foot aggressively as he read aloud in a rhythm,
“No I know..that I cant make you stay. But where’s your heart? But where’s your heart..but where’s your NO NO there’s nothing I can say to change that part.....to change...”
Ray began to strum his guitar to the tune of Gerard’s voice.
“Youre a bright light that kills the shadows..but can I speak?”
He paused, breaking off to tap his foot and shake his head, scribbling a note or two upon the paper.
He chewed at his lip as Ray and Frank tested out melodies.
“I think I...got it.” Gerard mumbled, staring at the paper.
“Almost...” he added, staring at the lyrics with a furrowed brow.
He took a breath, continuing to stomp his foot, as he closed his eyes...almost determined,
“I am NOT afraid to keep on living, I am NOT afraid to walk this world alone...honey if you stay I’ll be forgiving..but nothing YOU can say can stop me coming home.”
Gerard took a breath before focusing on the paper,
“And I see you lying next to me..with words I thought I’d never speak again...” he broke off before repeating himself,
“With words I thought I’d never speak. Awake and unafraid.... Asleep, or dead...”
-------------------
Lily unwrapped the folded up piece of paper.
In her hand was the drawing from the sketchbook...of the girl with the microphone..and next to it..in fresh ink....was a new sketch..
of the same girl sleeping..
love, Gerard
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