Written for the Week 8 prompt at bleach contest at LJ; Elusive. Slight Parody of "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret." Urahara complains to God after a lousy evening. Urahara/Ichigo, and a mentio...
by: eternalsailorsolarwind AKA youkai_girl
Disclaimer: Bleach and all of its characters are owned by Tite Kubo, his Japanese publishers, and Viz, along with a few other legal entities whose names I am unaware of. All characters mentioned in this piece of fanfiction are over the age of 18.
A/N: While written for the Week 8 prompt at bleach_contest: elusive; the actual idea for this came from this picture here (for those at Fanfic(dot)net, MediaMiner and Ficwad, you'll have to visit my LiveJournal to see the link for the pic), and a brainstorming session with compli_cait. This is a bit of a parody of Judy Blume's book, /Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret/. I own no rights to the book or the content therein. Urahara is a little OOC in this little crack ficlet. Urahara complains to God after a lousy evening. Urahara/Ichigo, and a mention of Renji/Ishida.
Are you there, God? It's me, Kisuke.
I realize that over the course of my existence, I've done some things that You may not have approved of, such as creating the Hogyoku and making gigai that are practically indistinguishable from living humans, but did you have to pick tonight to begin my penance? Tonight I was supposed to have a date with my lover; an increasingly elusive bit of peace in the middle of this war with Aizen. Ichigo wanted to go clubbing, and then I wanted to take him home and fuck him into the mattress. For one so normally seme, he's a surprisingly responsive uke.... But I digress.
The first intimation of trouble came this morning when Freeloader-san willingly agreed to work a shift at the Shoten tonight so I could go on my date. Not that I told him the exact nature of my intended absence; Ichigo would throw a fit if Renji knew about our...”extra-curricular” activities, as he calls them. Those two annoy each other (and everyone around them) way too much to be healthy. I'm not surprised that he doesn't want to be teased by the lieutenant, though. However, I caught the redhead trying to sneak out so he wouldn't have to work the shift he'd already agreed to. When cajoling and bribery failed to work, I was forced to resort to blackmail. After agreeing that it would be best if Hitsugaya-/taichou/ not discover that he was sleeping with Ishida-/kun/, he was overjoyed to work that shift. I even sweetened the deal by allowing him to eat a set number of snack every hour. Wasn't that nice of me, God? I wasn't even bearing him a grudge.
The worst was yet to come, however. After I left the store, Tessai called to say that Isshin was looking for me, apparently in a panic about Ichigo having a boyfriend, and being to young for such things – never mind that he's not a child any longer. And as I was on my way to meet his son for a date – one that I hoped would end with the two of us together in bed – I'm sure you can see how I didn't really want to talk to him right then, can't you God? I led him for what I hoped was a merry chase through Karakura, even slipping free from my gigai to race across the rooftops. Finally, I made it to my destination, finding Ichigo waiting for me, dressed to make my mouth water.
Which brings us back to the present. Just as I pulled back from greeting my lover with a kiss, I heard Isshin say my name. So much for losing him. The ensuing argument left everyone upset – and blaming me. I ask you, God, where is the fairness in that? I watched my longed-for peaceful night vanish in a puff of smoke. Along with any hope of getting Ichigo into my bed anytime soon. Defeated, I started the long walk back to the /Shoten/.
Did it really have to be tonight, God? Couldn't you have waited until tomorrow to begin my penance for my misdeeds – or at least until after I'd gotten Ichigo into bed?