You knew it would happen, I'm just that predictable.
I let my hands fall behind my head, and one hit the remote control. I picked it up, turned it on, and was met with a stupid celebrity news show. Just as I was about to change it, something caught my attention: her face appeared on the screen. The woman who pretty much fucked me over, and I hated her, yet at the same time I never could stop thinking about her. The woman, who I knew I could never have again, but I still wanted her more than anything.
“And more baby news to report on,” said the host. “Just two nights ago, at her 31st birthday, it was announced by her husband of seven years, Ronnie Radke, that Sara Klassen is pregnant with their second child, ending weeks of speculation. They already have one daughter together, five year old Emily Radke. We caught up with Sara last night after one of her fashion shows, and this is what she had to say.”
“I’m over the moon about it,” Sara said, and I couldn’t help but clench my jaw. My brain was telling my hand to change the channel, but my finger wouldn’t move. “Emily is the best thing that’s happened to Ronnie and I, and we’re so excited to have a new addition to the family. Emily is excited to have a brother or sister.”
It cut back to the reporter, who said, “Their next child is due seven months from now, in mid August.”
Finally, I turned the tv off, but I stared at it, not moving from my spot.
My entire life, Sara was the only one that could complete me, and to that day, she still was. When ever I saw her face, on bill boards, magazines, or on the tv, it was always the same. I wanted to change it, but I couldn’t. For some reason, I felt as if I was supposed to keep tabs on her, and know what was going on in her life. But sometimes doing that exact thing only caused me anger and pain, like the time I found out that she and Ronnie had named their daughter Emily. That name meant something to Sara and me, she knew that, but she had to use it. There was a time I wondered if she had used it to purposely hurt me, but I knew she wasn't that kind of person.
When I lay in bed at night, she was the last thing I thought about before I went to sleep. I often wondered if she still thought about me, and about what I’d ever say to her if we met again. It was almost six years since I saw her last, that’s not to say that I hadn’t tried to see her, but circumstances prevented that. That last time I was with her was still so fresh in my mind it was as if it was yesterday. I always wondered what would have happened that day, if I didn’t let her go. I liked to believe that we’d still be together this day, but deep inside I knew better. We had had our chance, and it didn’t work, but that didn’t stop me from dreaming.
I rolled off the couch, and went to the bedroom. From the door, I stared over at the huge closet that took up the far side of the wall. I went over to it, and pulled the doors open. Tucked away, in the far back corner was the box that I still had for over eight years, but I hadn't opened it since the last time, which was three months after she left me.
I tugged the lid of it, pulled off all the stupid paper work I had placed over it to hide the actual contents, and stared down at our wedding picture. My wedding ring sat next to it, along with the baby clothes, and all the letters she used to write for me when we were in high school. Those were my favourite things to look at. They contained some of her deepest thoughts, and it was the only thing that made me feel close to her again.
Unknowingly, I started to cry as I began to read one of the letters, and I nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard Lyn Z’s voice behind me.
“I knew you still loved her,” she said. I turned around, feeling like a kid who had gotten caught snooping through their parents' bedroom. She looked angry, and hurt. I wanted to tell her that I wasn’t still in love with Sara, but I couldn’t. It was too obvious to hide. “I should have known better.” She turned and walked out of the room, with me close on her heels.
“You have to understand!” I cried. “I told you about my situation before we got together. You know what she’s meant to my life.”
“I know!” she screamed, whipping around. “I know alright! Why can’t you ever let someone else into your heart? I love you! But sometimes it seems you don’t love me. It just seems like you need someone to fill a void. Gosh Gerard, she really fucked you up.”
“I know. I don’t know why I can’t let her go. I spent my whole life, with my heart belonging to her. I want to give it to you, I really do! But I don’t know how to do it.”
Lyn Z and I stood, not looking at each other. I loved her, and I wanted to be with her, but I think it was just to be with someone, because there was no comparing anyone to Sara. In my mind, she was forever on a pedestal.
The phone rang, and she jumped at the noise. She reached over the kitchen counter and grabbed the cordless.
"Hello?" There was a pause on her end, before she looked up at me. "Yeah hold on." She pushed the phone towards me.
"Gerard, Matt here. MTV execs called, they want you to be a presenter at this years awards. Are you in?"
"Great, I'll get back with more details." I hung up, and looked over at Lyn Z, who stood at the large window. I walked up behind her and kissed her shoulder.
"We can make this work," I whispered, and she nodded. I would never get over Sara, but I could try and bury my feelings as best as I could. But the day I knew would eventually come was looming on the horizon, and it would be a lot different that I had pictured it to be.