Gerard makes a confession, and a change.
I was awoken a few hours later by Gerard, obviously still drunk, creeping into my bed and wrapping his arms around me, pressing himself up against me. “Gee, come on, you should sleep…” I whispered. “Frank… Frankie, help me. Please. I love you, but I can’t do this. I can’t keep doing this. I don’t know what to do…” He had started to cry. I could barely see him in the dark room, but my heart went out to him, as he sobbed into my chest. “Gerard… please stop crying” I said softly, stroking his back. “Frank, you’re so.. You’ve got it all worked out… You’re so fucking perfect.” Gerard said, his voice getting louder. My eyes widened “You honestly think that?” I felt his hair move against me as he nodded. “You aren’t scared of anything. You’re so sure of yourself.” I raised my eyebrows and replied “Are you kidding me? I’m just as fucking scared as you are, if not more so. I fear everything, and yes Gerard, you’re one of them.” I was close to tears now. I felt Gerard shift and sit up slightly. “Me? Why are you scared of me?” I swallowed hard and continued, fighting back a sob “Because, you don’t even care enough to keep yourself alive p-properly, and G-Gerard, I couldn’t l-live without you. If I lost you, I would lose everything.” I finished in a low whisper, greeted by complete silence. I couldn’t even hear him breathe. I lay there telling myself to calm down until Gerard just got up and got out of the bed. At first I thought he was gonna leave, to a bar or something, but to my relief he just got into his own bed, and whispered “Goodnight Frankie.” I didn’t reply. What just happened? I closed my eyes and waited for sleep to come, but I just couldn’t get there. Is Gee over there in insomnia too? I wondered. I thought about what to do now, where to go from there, until I gradually fell asleep, almost at sunrise.
I woke up surprisingly and refreshingly hangover free. I looked over at Frank, who was sleeping. All I could think about was what happened the night before… “If I lost you, I would lose everything” Did he mean that? I wondered. I walked to the bathroom and took a quick shower, dressing clumsily and going to check Frank’s date diary to see what they were doing.
I read the scrawly handwriting, which said:
May 3rd: Kerrang shot and interview.
I groaned. Fucking TRL? I hate that shit. I rolled my eyes and flopped myself onto the couch, grabbing the remote and turning on the TV. I turned around and looked at Frankie, who was still asleep, before slipping channels, stopping on… The Russian News. What the fuck? I thought, quickly changing to a station showing morning cartoons. I watched, practically emotionless, for over an hour or so, till I heard rustling sheets and a giant yawn. I turned around “Morning Frankie” I said as cheerfully as possible. He rubbed his eyes and looked slightly surprised “You’re awake.” He stated bluntly before getting up and walking in a zombie fashion to the bathroom. I turned to face the TV again, slightly put off and pouting from the response I received. But then, I wouldn’t give me another chance either.
I sat in the bathroom, on the floor. I’d changed, brushed my hair, cleaned my teeth, showered, flossed, gargled, straightened the bathmat, defogged the mirrors and washed my hands 6 times. I had no reason to be in there. Then why is it I was sitting on the floor scratching paint off the wall with my fingertips? The one morning Gerard wakes up seemingly sober and un-idiotic is the one morning I can’t go out and face him. I rolled my eyes and stood up. Come on, I thought, He won’t be like this again tomorrow. Or the next day. Or any other day in the foreseeable future, and you know it. So go out there and enjoy it. So I put my fingers on the doorknob and slowly twisted it, and took an exaggerated, slow step out into the room. Gerard was sitting cross legged on the couch watching cartoons still. He had a mug of coffee made from the little kitchenette thing and there was another steaming away on the little table, presumably for me. I walked over and picked it up… Gerard uncrossed his legs and grinned up at me. “Morning?” He said enquiringly. “Morning Gee. How you feelin’?” He nodded slightly and said “Great. Yourself?” I shrugged and planted myself on the couch next to him. “So, what plans have you got for today?” I asked him. He looked at me sideways and said “I thought we had TRL and a shoot or something?” I raised my eyebrows and shook my head “Nah man, I told Brian to cancel. He wasn’t too happy about it… But you didn’t really seem fit to… Yeah.” I trailed off quietly, then sipped my coffee, wanting very much to just sink into the couch. Why am like this? My mind screamed. You’re the sensible one! You look after him! This doesn’t mean you get to fall apart the one time he isn’t falling over and throwing up on you. Jeeeez. I rolled my eyes and almost hit myself in the head to drown out painfully true and oh so confusing thoughts. Gerard was staring at the TV again, apparently oblivious to my anxiety. “So uh, do you wanna go out?” He looked at me and replied “Frankie, I‘d love to.”