Ennis and Jack went to one of their "fishing trips", little did they know it will be there last
Rating: R or M
Warnings: Language, Violence
Summary: Ennis and Jack went to one of their "fishing trips", little did they know it will be there last
Disclaimer: Don't own any characters of Bareback Mountain nor do I want to.
"I can't believe this is happening to me!" Alma said sobbingly. "What did I do to deserve this? I mean I've been a good wife and everything, but it just doesn't seem enough."
"You did nothing wrong Alma, it's just that your husband is fucked up in the head." I said trying to reassure her.
She was getting upset over her husband's (Ennis) frequent "fishing trips" with his butt buddy Jack. Alma knows the true relationship between those two when she found them passionately kissing each other.
"But he's a man! I was raised to believe that a man is for a woman and vice versa. I don't know what else to do, so that's why I called you over here. Their fishing trips have become the hottest gossip around here. My daughter constantly gets teased about it and I can't walk into the salon without some of the girls looking at me funny or snickering."
She called me over to take care of that embarrassing situation her husband created on the family.
"OK, don't worry about it Alma, I'll straighten him and his fudge-packing friend out."
Through reliable sources I found out that they were in Texas. I'm not surprised that they're in Texas because Texas only has two things: steers and queers. When I got to Texas I was able to track them down. I never like coming down to Texas with all the rednecks and obnoxious conservative jerks that lives there. It's basically like Alberta times 10.
They were actually staying in a ranch down there. Well since I'm here in Texas, the land of cowboys (also the land of Republicans and rednecks), I decided to take them out cowboy style. So I put on a Ten-Gallon hat, a belt with a big-ass belt buckle that cowboys like to wear, some cowboy boots, and a tight-ass red and black plaid shirt with some tight-ass jeans to go along with it. The shirt didn't do a good job of covering up my muscles and the jeans made my ass stick out, and they wonder why fags like to fantasise about cowboys so much... And to top it off I got myself a horse.
I learned how to ride a horse when I spent some time in Mongolia. Those horseback riders over there are simply amazing. Truth be told, I never liked cowboys because they killed many Blacks and First Nations, or what Americans would call them "Native Americans". Even when I was a kid watching those old Westerns I wanted those so-called "redskins" to scalp those pale-skinned bastards.
While I was riding to the ranch I was singing the song "Rawhide", you know the song that the Blues Brothers made popular...
I finally spotted the ranch, but I was actually hearing noises from the tent:
"Yeah baby ride me like a bronco." Ennis said to Jack.
"I'm ridin' you all right. Yeah I'm ridin' your rump. I'm gonna fill you full of cum!"
Oh my god, speaking of "Rawhide" I was seeing the uncensored version right in front of me. So I had to put an end to this gay porno shit right away. With two six-shooters in my hand pointing to those cum-drinking, cock-sucking cowboys I told them this:
"The bareback-ridin' rodeo show is over bitches. You rump-riding faggots disgust me and everyone else. Fill him full of cum? What the fuck?! I should fill you full of lead for making that statement."
Jack and Ennis quickly got up and they were naked with Jack's dick covered with Ennis'...
"Holy shit!" I said in disgust while closing my eyes and turning my face away from the nasty shit I just saw. "Wipe yourselves off and put on your god-damn clothes you fudge-packing fairies!"
They got on their clothes and then Ennis said this nervously:
"Oh shit, I know who you are. You came here to kill us! You've killed many gays and lesbians. Look, I'm not gay; I was... experimenting, yeah."
When he said that I was thinking to myself "Mother fucker please..."
"Look he tricked me into this. He made me do it!"
Jack responded "What! Are you for real! We've been doing this for many years."
"Well you took advantage of me when we were drunk that night." Ennis replied back.
"I did not you lying sack of horseshit! I did not do anything to you that you didn't like."
"Yeah but you ruined my marriage!"
Oh my god those two were arguing like two bitches on a Flavor of Love show. I had to quickly put an end to this hissy fight before these two ass-lickers drove me nuts.
"Will you two dick-suckers shut da fuck up!"
They both quickly looked at me with disgust.
"I don't care who started it, who seduced who, or whose turn is it to be the bottom. It doesn't matter anyway because I'm gonna kick both of your gay asses." I was gonna tell them that I was gonna put my foot up their asses but they probably would enjoy it.
"Not if I do something about it!" Jack said foolishly.
He made an even more foolish move by trying to attack me. He charged at me with his fist cocked back and tried to swing at my face. However I blocked it and gave him a left jab to his face followed by a few combos. Amazingly he blocked one of my punches and punched me right in my gut. He gave me a few of his combos and tried to finish me off with an uppercut, but before he could pull it off I tackled him and we started tumbling on the ground. During the fight I saw that brown hatter Ennis took his brown cowboy hat and started to run away like the scared bitch he was, so much for being a cowboy. There was nothing I could do about it then since me and Jack was still fighting. Eventually I got the upper hand and I was on top of Jack (not that way!) I was punching him in the face, enough to weaken him so that he wouldn't get up but yet it wouldn't kill him. By the time I was done he had a busted lip and a swollen eye.
Now it was time for me to get that punk Ennis. Luckily the area was very flat and it had very little trees, so I was able to see where he ran. I got on my horse and had my lasso ready. He wasn't running very fast until he heard my horse galloping. Then he tried run like a cheetah but those cowboy boots weren't made for running. As soon as I got close to him I was able to rope him and bring him down. Bill Pickett would have been proud of me
"Finally, I've always wanted to rope a cowboy, after all those times you cowboys have been ropin' Blacks and First Nations people!"
So I tied him up like a hog and had another rope that was tied to him and the back of my saddle. Thus with my horse trotting full speed he was dragging on the ground. The horse kept on moving until I eventually found a tree nearby and tied him up on it.
I took off his shirt having his back exposed and I told him this: "I'm gonna whip your gay-ass so bad, you're gonna change your name to Kunta Kinte!"
I have absolutely no remorse for my actions. My actions are nothing compared to all the shit those bastards did to Blacks and First Nations, in fact I was enjoying it. I always wanted to whip a cowboy, since it seems that the North American general public likes to idolise these fools. What most people don't know is that in reality most cowboys back in the so-called "Wild West" days didn't do much. They just took care of the herds and drank all day in the saloons. Those stories of Wild Bill Hickok, Billy the Kid and Wyatt Earp are bullshit. While I was whipping him I told him this:
"You tried to run away from me you punk. That's about as dumb as an Australian playing an American cowboy! Don't worry; since you like to be the bottom I'm gonna send you down under, six feed down under! Yep that right, you're gonna end up the same way that pipe-cleaning faggot in your hometown ended up."
He was screaming every time I cracked that whip on him and it was music to my ears. After I got tired of whipping him I got out my branding iron.
"What are you doing?!" He said with fear.
"You're a mother-fucking cowboy; you should know what a branding iron is and what it's used for."
"No please don't do it! Please I beg you! No, no, nooooooooo!"
I branded the word "Faggot" on his head. He was screaming from the pain so I slammed his head on the tree and told him to "Shut da fuck up!" Now I know it was time for him to meet his fate, so I made a noose and put it around his neck. It was tight enough for him not to be able to get out but not tight enough for him to totally suffocate. After that I poured some gasoline on him and lit the match. Before I threw the match on him I told him this:
"If you ever meet Heath Ledger 'down under', tell him I said 'How's the barbie down under'!"
With that ending I threw the match on him and watch him and the tree burn to crisp.
Now I can focus on that predatory poof Jack. That butt pirate gonna suffer now for trying to beat me up. I rode back to where I punked that ass-rammer, carrying my branding iron and another weapon. He was still lying there unconscious as I expected, so I gently woke him.
"Wake your gay ass up!" I kicked him on his ribs when I told him that.
He was still holding his ribs when I picked him up by his hair and started to punch him. After I gave him a few punches I told him this:
"So you think you're a bad-ass butch fag, huh? Well you ain't shit! I've met and killed manlier homos in San Francisco, Montreal, and the entire countries of France and Greece. Hell, the Cowboy from the group The Village People is more of a man than you are. What were you thinking coming down here to Texas? Don't you know queer hunting is a favourite pastime here? People down here would be happy that I killed your cum-filled ass."
So I picked up my favourite weapon, The Solution. Yes The Solution, a modified cricket back with a titanium centre inside for devastating effects. I got it from my trip to England. As soon as he got back up I swung my bat right at his jaw, breaking it.
"Good, now you won't be sucking dicks anymore."
Then I took my branding iron and burned "Predatory Poof" on his forehead. Now it's time for me to finis him off. I made a noose and put it on his neck. Then I took the other end of the rope and tied it to my saddle. Then I hit the horse to go full speed, the horse was galloping at full speed for a few minutes. Then I told the horse to stop so I can check up on Jack, sure enough he was dead.
Now that it's over I can go back to regular civilization.
This is dedicated to Heath Ledger, go burn in hell.