Categories > Original > Humor0 Reviews
Tila Tequila may have a hit TV show but what she doesn't know is that a hit is already on her.
Rating: R or M
Warnings: Language, Violence
Summary: I paid a surprise visit to Tila Tequila.
Disclaimer: Don't own any of these characters or people in the story
Note: I changed a few things from Tila's real life for the story.
That was the best time I could have done this. I wanted to do this for a long time but due to my busy schedule I could never get around to it. It's time for me to pay a visit to Tila Tequila. For those who don't know who Tila is she's a model that had her own reality dating show. It wasn't that much different from the rest of those mutha' fuckin' reality TV shows that are congesting the airwaves and cable boxes. Ever since "Survivor" aired, prime-time TV has been saturated with these pseudo-reality TV shows. It's much worse than the variety TV shows that used to clog up the airwaves during the 60s and 70s.
She was with Bobby for only a few days before they broke up. People thought that she was gonna pick Dani but I knew better. If abisexual have to choose between two genders as a partner, 99.9% of the time it will pick the opposite gender. That's just the way it is, their allegiance is to the heterosexuals. The other thing I wasn't surprised about is that their relationship didn't last long. That didn't surprise me since I knew that bisexuals are flaky in nature. It's in their genes; they're just mentally fucked up. When I arrived at the place, I knew it was time for me to straighten out the situation.
As well, I was able to break into her house with ease and while I was in her house I heard some noise. It sounded like it was coming from the entertainment room. So I quietly sneaked into the room and I saw two people watching TV. I was guessing that one of them is Tila, though I couldn't tell very well from behind, but who was the other person? I wasn't able to figure that out for a while until I heard Tila said "Dani can you hold me alittle tighter?"
What the fuck?! Dani Campbell? She's with that ugly, gender-confused, man-wannabe, bulldyke?
I though that Tila chose Bobby over shim (yeah, not him or her, but shim), well there goes my 99.9% theory... However that was a good thing, actually it was great thing! I got two for the price of one! I can take care of both of those people, which includes that sexually-confused Tila and her poor-excuse-for-a-man lover Dani, there was nothing but a big smile on my face.
I also began to notice what they were watching, Brokeback Mountain of all things...
Tila said this to Dani "I wish this movie had a happier ending, it's clear that Jack and Ennis were meant for each other." Yeah right!
Dani responded back to Tila "Well you know Hollywood, they always find some way to kill the gay characters."
Then I interrupted the conversation "Well Hollywood couldn't write a script good enough to match the way I'm gonna kill you two dumb dykes."
When they heard my voice, they quickly turned around and saw me standing about two metres away from them. They were taken by surprise that I was in the room all that time. Luckily I brought some stuff with me in abag. One of the items in the bag was a tequila bottle, so I took it out of the bag and held it in my hand.
"Oh shit! It's him!" Tila said while trembling.
Dani was trying to act brave at this moment but I knew better. I could see it in its eyes that it was scared.
"Yes it's him, the bastard who killed many gays, lesbians, transgenders, hermaphrodites and of course bisexuals."
"Not only do I kill those people but I also kill Right-Wing Zealots, White Supremacists, Neo-Conservatives, Log Cabin Republicans, Zionists, corporate elites that don't pay me, and anyone who happens to be French." I said.
I told Tila this in Vietnamese "Well it's time for me to straighten both of you out."
Tila just looked at me dumbfounded and said"Huh?"
"Oh I forgot you're a no-culture, white-wannabe, Americanised, banana bi-bitch! I'm not gonna waste my time translating it to you, you Twinkie!"
"Might as well, probably what you had just said wasn't important anyways. Did the Christian Post send you here?"
"Hell no bitch! I don't deal with those holy-rolling, fanatical, Jesus-cult freaks. I hate those losers as much as you do. I don't even believe in that Jesus Christ or God bullshit. And I don't understand why you still consider yourself a Christian, even though it's clear that most Christians don't want your bony bisexual ass."
"Dude, how the fuck do you know that? There are many queer Christians all over the world. Jesus Christ never said anything about condemning homosexuality or bisexuality."
"No but I'm sure Christianity does go against homosexuality and bisexuality. Let me pull a few sentences from the book of contradictions, lies, and deceit, better known as the Bible." So I started looking though that fictional book and found the sentence that I was looking for.
"In Romans 1:14-26-27: For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature. And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet."
"But that doesn't clearly say anything against lesbianism or bisexuality for women."
"Ah, I knew you was gonna say that."
So I went to another verse in the New Testament, Ipurposely chose the New Testament so that I can avoid that "well the Old Testament isn't valid anymore" excuse. Well that's bullshit and that's another reason why I denounced my Christianity.
"I Corinthians 11:8-9: For man is not from woman, but woman from man. Nor was man created for the woman, but woman for the man."
I can see anger coming out of Tila's and Dani's eyes, but I didn't give a shit.
"As you can see, if you put two and two together, that joke of a book makes it clear that neither homosexuality nor bisexuality of either gender is acceptable in Christianity. But hey, I'm not a Christian one bit, the Horoscopes does a better job of telling the truth in my opinion."
"Well that doesn't make you any better than them. You're gay bashing is no different from theirs."
"No that's where you're wrong you Beef and Broccoli Bi-Bitch! When it comes to bashing those people my gay bashing is different from theirs. Let me show you an example."
So I grabbed Tila and bashed her head against the wall, then I grabbed the tequila bottle and bashed it on Tila's head. Needless to say she was knocked out. That left me now with The Missing Link named Dani.
"It's time for me to straighten out yo' butch ass."
"I'm not butch or feminine."
"No you're just plain confused, tuna-breath. I've met:http://dasolution.livejournal.com/586.html#cutid2 , humiliated:http://dasolution.livejournal.com/1000.html#cutid2 , tortured:http://dasolution.livejournal.com/1642.html#cutid2 and killed:http://dasolution.livejournal.com/2045.html#cutid1 bigger:http://dasolution.livejournal.com/1516.html#cutid5 and badder:http://dasolution.livejournal.com/1161.html#cutid3 butches:http://dasolution.livejournal.com/1516.html#cutid2 . So I heard that you're a paramedic, saving other people's lives, is that true?"
"Well ain't that sumthin' cuz no one's gonna save yo'gay ass."
"Are you really gonna hurt me? After all I'm agirl."
"Well I'm not so sure about that. However since you want to BE LIKE A MAN, you're gonna take a BEATING LIKE A MAN!"
So I quickly gave shim two right jabs and a left uppercut that put shim in a dazed. Then I gave shim a kick to the chest (not sure that it has breast) and it flew across the room. Dani was now lying on the floor, so I came over there and stomped on that man-dyke.
While I was stomping the shit out of shim I told shim this: "No matter how hard ya stupid butch lezbos try, ya will never fit in our pants."
After the stomping I grabbed Dani by the neck with one hand and squeezed both cheeks with the other hand, making Dani's tongue stick out.
"You'll love what I'm gonna do to you next because you do this very often. You're gonna lick the carpet!" Dani's eyes bulged when I said that.
"Why are you so surprised? It is part of your daily routine you gender-reject; besides, you need your daily fiber." I chuckled after saying that. So I put that carpet-muncher's face on the carpet and started to move shim all over the place. Dani had carpet burns on its tongue. Then it started to cry:
Well maybe you are a girl after all, cuz you cry like abitch!"
So I smacked Dani like the bitch it was and then I went in the bag and grabbed one of my favourite weapon, The Solution. It's a modified cricket bat that I got from my last trip to England. It has a titanium core so that when I use it on any of those people they WILL feel the effect.
"This is for eating too much pussy." CRACK!
"And this is for contributing to this reality-TV show crap." CRACK!
"And this is for trying to be a man." CRACK, CRACK CRACK!
Now it was bloody and it was also in total pain, but Iwasn't through with Dani yet.
I grabbed Dani by the throat and brought it to the kitchen. I went into the freezer and found a Rainbow Trout.
"Perfect! This will teach Dani a lesson."
So I grabbed the frozen Rainbow Trout and used it to smack Dani's face. Dani started to cry again.
"Why you cryin'? I though you like that fish smell all over yo' face! HAHAHAHA!"
It didn't stop crying so I told shim this "Look, Isee that you're hurt and I apologise for that. Just to show you that I can be agentleman I'll dry those tears off your face."
So I grabbed Dani by the neck and put Dani's face right on top of the stove.
"I also heard that you were a firefighter, so you should have no problem when I do this to you, you ambiguous freak."
Then I turned on the stove and Dani's face got burnt. Now that Dani's face was burnt, it was even uglier than before.
"What's wrong Dani? Can't take the heat? Well it's time for you to get out of the kitchen."
So I literally kicked Dani out of the kitchen and it hit the wall. Dani was lying on the floor. Then I went into my bag and grabbed my other favourite weapon, the Raging Bulldagger. Yes the Raging Bulldagger, astrong and sturdy bull dagger decorated with sapphires on one side of the handle and black triangle on the other side. It was made for those sexually-ambiguous, boy-wannabe butches, like Dani.
"The time has come for me to straighten you out Dani."
So I stabbed it a few times in the chest, and stomach. Didn't stab it in the neck because I was afraid with all that hairball in its throat it would damage the bull dagger. The bitch is dead.
Now it's time for me to gently wake Tila up, so I kicked her in the stomach and told her to "Wake yo' gay ass up bitch!" The blood on her face has dried up but there will be more of that to come.
"Please don't hurt me, please!" she said while she was gushing like Niagara Falls.
I couldn't stand to hear or see anymore of her pathetic crying so I smacked her once and told her "Shut da fuck up bitch! Yo'cryin' ain't gonna do shit for ya. You will end like your pussy pal Dani, after all my motto is 'If it's a bi, then it must die.'"
"What do you mean by 'end up like Dani?'"
"Take a look in the hallway yourself."
So she went to the hallway and saw Dani's body lying on apool of blood. She started to scream and cry like crazy. That gave me some time to do a few things: I went into my bag and grabbed my iPod and the mini-stereo I bought for it. Plus I grabbed a sombrero hat. Then after setting up the iPod stuff I got Tila's attention by smacking her upside the head (the back of head).
"Well Tila I figured that I might as well have aparty while kicking yo' gay ass. So let's dance shall we?"
I turned on the iPod and the song that was playing was nothing else but Herb Alpert's "Tequila." I put on a sombrero and said in a ridiculous Mexican accent
"It's time for a fiesta! Ayayayayayah!"
So I grabbed Tila and threw her to the other end of the hallway. Then I grabbed her again and slammed her through a table. After that Iwas thinking of using The Solution on her but something else came in my mind. Iremember having a Singapore Cane in the bag (courtesy of The Sandman I pulled it out and used it on her. What Michael Fay got was just a slap on the wrist compared to what I gave her.
"This is for being a sell-out." CRACK!
"And this is for adding on to this reality-TV show crap." CRACK!
"And this is for eating too many cats." CRACK!
"And this is also for eating too many bananas and cherries." CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!
"And this is for being a bisexual." CRACK!CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!
Now don't get me wrong people, I have nothing against Vietnamese people. I do have something against those that want to be white.
She was crying and begging me to stop so I bitch slapped her: "Shut da fuck up bitch! I know that you are very comfortable about you bisexuality, which is good because it makes me feel more comfortable killing you!"
Then I tied her to a chair with barbed wires so that she wouldn't get out. The barbed wires were cutting her skin but I didn't give afuck. So I went in my bag and got a device called a magneto (or a dynamo). The magneto is a hand cranked device that generates an electrical charge. I had two electrical leads attached to the magneto.
"I'm gonna torture you like how your people tortured the Americans during the Vietnam War."
On a side note I don't have any problems with what the Vietnamese did to the Americans, that's what the Americans get for acting like a bully and starting a meaningless war with them. One part of the lead ends was attached to the magneto so I put the other ends of the lead on her nipples and then Istarted to crack the magneto. She was screaming in agony from all the electricity generated by the magneto. While she was screaming I was giggling with joy. I stopped after a while because I didn't want to kill her, yet. So while she was tied to the chair I got a small cage with a rat in it.
"I couldn't get my hands on a cat for you to munch on, so instead I got a rat. But then again if you enjoy eating cats, then eating a rat (or pussy) shouldn't be a problem."
So I aggravated the rat a little bit with a stick, then Iput the rat in a small brown sack. After that I put the sack over her head with the rat in it. Inside the rat was scratching and biting Tila's face. Outside her head was moving wildly and the brown sack was starting to turn red.
"Hey come on Tila, I'm a little disappointed with you. Chuck Norris could have done a better job."
After a while she stopped moving, so I took the sack off her and her face was very bloody. I was surprised that she actually managed to bite the rat on its neck, killing it in the process. Wow I'm impressed! She must have seen "Missing in Action 2", or maybe she was hungry... But I wasn't done with her yet:
"You may have survived that incident, but there's no one here to save your lemon-coated, Wonder Bread, dyke ass. Not Jackie Chan, not Jet Li, not Ho Chi Min's ghost, not Yao Min, and absolutely not Chuck Norris".
Me and Chuck have a mutual respect for each other, even though his dumb ass supported that idiot Mike Huckabee. So I got another object from the bag and dragged her by her hair to the kitchen while she was still tied to the chair with the barbed wires.
"So you're from Texas, right?"
"Yeah, so why the fuck does that concern you?"
Because you should be familiar with what I'm gonna do to you next."
She saw a branding iron in my left hand and she started to panic: "No, don't do it please! Please I beg you!"
So I punched her in the mouth and told her to "Shut da fuck up!" Then I heated the branding iron on the stove til it had an orange glow to it. After that I branded the words "Banana Bi-Bitch" on her forehead.
"There's another difference between me and the Christian Post and that is our methods of curing those people. They like to put you in some stupid and ineffective camp to 'heal you', but I prefer a more direct and effective approach..."
So I pulled out my gun and aimed it at Tila's forehead and told her "A bullet in the head." But before I pull the trigger I told her this "Bye bye, bi-bitch." I pulled the trigger, and that was the end of Tila Tequila and also the end of that stupid show.
But there's one more thing I have to do. I grabbed the gas tank from my bag, poured it all over the house as much as I can and then lit the place. Soon the house was engulfed in flames, I was already outside when then house turned into a bonfire. With nothing else really to do I decided to read a few sentences from that big book of fables before I threw the book into the fire:
"Revelation 20:9: And they went up on the breadth of the earth, and compassed the camp of the saints about, and the beloved city: and fire came down from God out of heaven, and devoured them.