This one is silly even by my low standards.
A/N2: My deepest apologies to Al Yankovic and to the town of Albuquerque. I’m sorry, but it needed to be done.
Harry Potter and Big Bowl of Sauerkraut
Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a cupboard under the stairs outside the kitchen of the average house at #4 Privet Drive half a block down the street and around the corner from Mrs. Figgs House.
You know the place
Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy
Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning
My Uncle would beat me half to death, my cousin would carve his initials into my leg and my Aunt would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast
Awww - Big bowl of sauerkraut
Every single mornin
It was driving me crazy
I said to my Aunt
I said "Hey, Auntie, what's with all the sauerkraut?"
And my dear, sweet Aunt, sister to my mother
She just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train
And she leaned right down next to me
And she said "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU"
And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was ten years, eleven months, and 27 days old
That's when I swore that someday
Someday I would get outta that cupboard and travel to a magical, faraway place
Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm Butterbeer
And the towels are oh so fluffy
Where the trolls and the centaurs play their ukuleles all day long
And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a knut!
Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true
Because the very next day, finest school for witchcraft and wizardry in Britain had this contest
To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Nicholas Flamel’s butt
I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize
That's right, a first class one-way ticket to
You know, I'd never been on a real choo choo train before
And I gotta tell ya, it was really great
Except that I had to sit between ginger simpleton with excruciatingly severe body odor
And this little Brunette with frizzy hair who would NOT shut up about magic the whole time
The cart lady never heard of Dr. Pepper or salted peanuts
And the in-trip movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore
And, oh yeah, the train’s engine exploded
And we jumped the tracks, went off a bridge and crashed into the sea
And the train exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died!
Except for me
You know why?
'Cause I’m lucky like that
Ah ha ha ha
Ah ha ha
So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage
I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days
Draggin' along my big leather trunk and my pointy hat
And my potions kit with collapsible brass scales and my twelve-pound homemade bludger.
And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark copy of Hogwarts: A History
But finally I arrived at the world famous Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry
Where the towels are oh so fluffy
And you can eat your soup right out of the suits of armor if you wanna
It's OK, they're clean
Well, I checked into my dorm and I turned down the bed
And I turned on the Wizarding Wireless
And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door
Well now, who could that be?
I say "Who is it?"
"Who is it?"
There's no answer
"WHO IS IT?"
They're not sayin' anything
So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected
It's some big nosed potions master with a greasy Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one eyebrow!
Oh man, I hate it when I'm right.
So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark copy of Hogwarts: A History
And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that! That book's been just like a book to me"
And he's like "Tough"
And I'm like "Give it"
And he's like "Make me"
And I'm like "'Kay"
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows
And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
Yes indeed, you better believe it
And somehow in the middle of it all, the potions master got knocked out the window
And twenty seconds later, I heard his familiar voice
And you know what he said?
I'll tell you what he said
"AHHH! I’M FALLING!”
And that’s the way it goes
Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my autographed glow-in-the-dark copy of Hogwarts: A History
But I made a a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest
I would not sleep for an instant until the big nosed potions master with a greasy Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one eyebrow was brought to justice
But first, I decided to buy some candy
So I hopped into the fireplace and fluued over to Honeydukes
And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter
And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"
I said "You got any chocolate?"
He said "No, we're outta chocolate"
I said "Well, you got any Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans?"
He said "No, we're outta Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans "
I said "You got any Liquorish Wands??"
He said "No, we're outta Liquorish Wands "
I said "You got any Sugar Quills?"
He said "No, we're outta Sugar Quills."
I said "You got any Drooble’s Best Blowing Gum?"
He said "No, we're outta Drooble’s Best Blowing Gum"
I said "You got any Chocolate Frogs?"
He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check"
"No, we're outta Chocolate Frogs."
I said "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"
He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed nargles"
I said "OK, I'll take that"
So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the nargles jump out
And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over
Oh man, they were just going nuts
They were tearin' me apart
You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head"
I believe it went a little something like this . . .
Get 'em off me
Get 'em off me
No, get 'em off, get 'em off
Oh, oh God, oh God
Oh, get 'em off me
Oh, oh God
I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating nargles all over my face
Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'
Like a constipated weiner dog
And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams
Her name was Luna
She was a rune enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches
I'll never forget the first thing she said to me.
She said "Hey, you've got nargles on your face"
That's when I knew it was true love
We were inseparable after that
Aw, we ate together, we bathed together
We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss
The world was our treacle tart
So we got married and we bought us a house
And had two beautiful children – Albus Severus and Pussbucket
Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah
But then one fateful night, Luna said to me
She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?"
I said "Woah, hold on now, baby"
"I'm just not ready for that kinda commitment"
So we broke up and I never saw her again
But that's just the way things go
Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me
Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream
That's right, I got me a part-time job as a janitor at Gringotts
I even made employee of the month after I put that dragon fire out with my face
Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
I was gettin' a lot of attitude
OK, like one time, I was out in the lobby
Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with flame hexes
When I see this guy Draco tryin' to carry a dozen big ol' bags of money into the bank all by himself
So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"
And Draco, he just rolls his eyes and goes
"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with your wand"
So I did
And then he gets all indignant on me
He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic"
Well, that's just great
How was I supposed to know that?
I'm not a legimancer for cryin' out loud
Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy
So what's he complaining about?
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote
This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn't had a bite in three days
Well, I knew what he meant
But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein
And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over
And I'm like "Hey, come on, don't cha get it?"
But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming
You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation
Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?
Anyway, um, um, where was I?
Kinda lost my train of thought
Uh, well, uh, OK
Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it
But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is
I hate sauerkraut
That's all I'm really tryin' to say
And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up
And find yourself in an existential quandary
Full of loathing and self-doubt
And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence
At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that
Somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up universe of ours
There's still a little place called
I said "H"