Losing your virginity can be awkward. **James/Lily. Gratuitous drama.**
James was jerked from his sleep by a loud female shriek right near his ears. He shot upright, blinking rapidly to clear sleep from his eyes. When he was able to remember where he was, he turned and stared in confusion at the distraught red-head in the bed beside him.
“What’s wrong, Lily?” he mumbled, reaching out a hand to stroke her hair. To his astonishment, she slapped it away angrily and yanked the blanket up around her throat.
“What did you do?”
In spite of his foggy head, which hadn’t quite thrown off the effects of last night’s bender, James could tell that this wasn’t going the way it was supposed to. He wasn’t quite sure what was wrong, but he didn’t think this was the usual way to say good morning to someone you’d just spent the night with. Had he spent the night with her? He stifled a yawn and eyed Lily in total amazement. “Has something happened?”
“Yes, something has happened! You…me…I can’t believe you!”
James’ head was beginning to clear. Suddenly it dawned on him and he shook his head incredulously. “You wanted it,” he spluttered.
Lily’s face was turning redder by the second. Unable to form a sentence, she scrambled off the bed as if it had done her a person injury (taking the blanket down with her for privacy) and began snatching at her clothes at lightning speed. “You are such an arsehole! No, don’t get up! I’m leaving.” Fully clothed within seconds, she fled the room.
James leaned back against the pillow and tried to figure out what had happened. They had stumbled up the stairs, holding hands and laughing…she had wrapped her arms around him, he had her pinned to the mattress and she had kissed him passionately, pulling him closer…they had both been drunk, but it hadn’t mattered last night…she had fallen asleep in his arms…and then suddenly she was awake and screaming at him, and now she was gone and his mind felt fuzzy and clouded and he could still taste alcohol in his breath. He sighed, and his feet seemed to be carrying him to the bathroom of their own accord. He clambered into the shower automatically, and the hot water washed away the fuzz in his mind so he could think properly. And the more he thought, the more he wished he wouldn’t. He lathered his body with soap and scrubbed until his skin was red raw. The sting felt somehow pleasant against his aching muscles. Stopped him thinking. But when he shut off the water and stumbled back to his bedroom for clean robes, the thoughts came rushing back irrepressibly and with them, a sickening sense of disgust. It wasn’t disgust for himself, though – that would have been easier to bear. His disgust was all directed towards Lily, and that was something he found hard to adjust to.
Dry and dressed, he descended the stairs and, finding the common room devoid of angry red-heads, collapsed into a great armchair by the fire and tried to figure out what to do next.
The truth was, he was furious. Since he had been woken up by those angry screams, he had had a vague suspicion that he was being ill-treated and the more he dwelt on that idea, the more he became convinced that it was true. How dare she blame this on him? They had both been off their faces, and he was almost certain that it had been her who started it in the first place. He’d have had to be more than a bit drunk to try and start on her like that. Sifting through his foggy memories of the night before, he was sure she had started it. He wished Sirius was there, but Sirius was on holiday along with the rest of the school. Why had he decided to stay the holidays? Okay, not such a brainteaser…he had stayed because he’d wanted to spend time with Lily while nobody else was there. But he’d never dreamt of that happening…
“Yes?” James watched with feigned indifference as the subject of his thoughts emerged from her dormitory and stood across from him, glaring. He was not going to grovel to her. Not this time. He’d tried so hard for so long, and this was just the last straw. She made him feel worthless, and it had to change.
“Aren’t you going to say anything?”
“I don’t have anything to say,” he replied, somehow keeping his tone cool in spite of his boiling temper. “I’ve told you I love you. If you don’t believe it now, you never will.”
“Love me? Love me? You’ve made it clear enough just how much you love me. Love me so much that you’ll get me drunk just so that you can get laid! You don’t know what love is, Potter. Maybe I loved you too, but I can’t believe you’d take advantage of me!”
James was on his feet before he knew what was happening. “I was drunk!” he roared, every bitter, hurt feeling he’d ever had towards her bubbling to the surface. “Both of us were! Do I need to remind you whose idea all that firewhisky was?” He took a deep breath to calm his temper, and sat down again in frustration. “Lily, I’m sick of this,” he said in a more even voice. “I have tried so hard and it’s never good enough for you. Last night wasn’t my fault, and it wasn’t yours either. It just happened.” His eyes met hers and a wave of understanding washed over Lily. It wasn’t a feeling that she could describe or explain, but suddenly she knew exactly how he felt and why he was so angry. She wanted to duck her head, but she couldn’t bear to break his gaze.
“I…” Her voice faltered, and she paused for a steadying breath. “I love you,” she managed to spit out. “I have for a long time now. I just don’t trust you. I’m scared of you.”
James’ anger evaporated completely and he stared at her in astonishment. “What on earth are you afraid of?” he asked softly, rising to his feet once more and taking her hand calmly. Lily shrugged.
“I’m afraid to care about you,” she said matter-of-factly. “You’re not right for me, James. You know that. We’re both so different, and then at the same time it feels almost like we’re the same person when I’m around you. It’s so confusing.” She tossed her head defiantly. “Anyway, you bring out a dangerous side in me. I would never get that drunk if I was with someone else.”
James chuckled. “Ok, ok, I’ve learnt my lesson. I’ll never let you have alcohol again. But seriously,” he pleaded, “can’t you see that I’m not that sort of guy? I didn’t want last night to happen either. I mean, I did, but…” He flushed. “Not like that.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
James shrugged. “Look, what’s done is done. And if you want to ignore me for the rest of your life, go ahead. But you know how I feel. That’s not going to change anytime soon. And if you’d just give me a chance-“
“Can we give it another go? See if we can make it work?” Lily wasn’t sure whether he could possibly be more surprised than she was when it escaped her lips. In spite of that, she meant it. She looked up at him hopefully.
A broad smirk spread over James’ face. “Hmm,” he murmured, squeezing her hand affectionately. “I’ll have to think about that one. Let me get back to you on it.”
Lily laughed. Hand in hand, the couple left the empty common room silently. It was beautifully warm outside – fine weather for a stroll around the lake. Both of them knew it was by no means the end of their arguments – they were both too hot-tempered for that – but for that short moment, everything was perfect. It was like watching a low-budget soap opera, and neither of them ever wanted it to end.