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Paradise PD


Even Kingpins Get The Blues.


By: Hailey Sands


Before we start, this is a gift fic for my very cool friend, Narwhalpuppy! This one's for you, Narwhalpuppy! She introduced me to this awesome cartoon called Paradise PD. She inspired me to write my own fanfic about this cool cartoon.



Chapter One:


In a house, a mysterious man was looking through a telescope. The man was spying on the Dippin' Dots Building. He was talking to himself.

Man: Yes, oh yes! Oh yes! Oh my yes! (giggled and titters)

The man turned out to be Prop Cop. Who was thought to have died by being mauled in a circus tiger. Prop Cop was out for revenge. Out for blood. Faking his death, Prop Cop went into hiding. Who was he after? to

The answer is The Paradise Kingpin himself. Gerald Fitzgerald. That's who. His friends were Siamese Twin Cops, and Handi-Cop. Although he didn't really like Handi-Cop so much because he was racist towards Puerto Ricans, he still considered him a friend. Living in isolation, not wanting anyone to know he was really alive all along. Prop Cop went insane. Plotting vengeance! Almost to a point of dementia. Thus he still maintained his silly man-child style type of comedy. As Prop Cop got done watching the Dippin' Dots Building.

Prop Cop (looking all disheveled as if he'd had no sleep): Whoever comes out of that building first....is the time I...STRIKE! (throwing a bowling ball into some bowling pins.) heeheeheeheeheehee!

Inside, the Dippin' Dots Building. In the command center. Gerald Fitzgerald was holding a meeting with his Legion of DOOOOOM.

Fitz: All in favor of BDSM porn, say AI!

Frank Flipperfist, Pat Robertson, Russian Mobster, Pedro Poopooth, Edna, and Marcos Narcos remain slient.

Fitz: All right, then. All in favor of snuff films, say AI!

All the Legion of DOOOOOM members: AI! AI! AI! AI! AI!

Fitz: That makes it unanimous! So it's settled, snuff films it is!

Pat Robertson (raised his hand): Can we make some snuff films of homosexual porn stars getting killed?

Fitz: Great idea you have there, Pat! In fact, anyone, gay porn stars included, who should happen to stumble upon my Dippin' Dots building will be captured and we'll make a snuff film and send it to their families!

Pedro Pooptooth: Hey, ese. How are we going to film these type of movies?

Frank Flipperfist: I know. We don't have any filming equipment.

Fitz: Filming equipment? Damn! What era do you guys live in? We'll just tape our snuff films on iphones!

Marcos Narcos: We're rich from all that argyle meth we sold. We can actually afford iphones!

Fitz: Exactly we can. I'll just send my number two man out there to buy some for us! THESTER!

Thester (runs inside the command room): You wanted to see me, boss?

Fitz: We decided we're going to make snuff films of our victims.

Thester: Sounds like a genius plan, boss. What do you need me to do? Pick up some Skoal? Or Prince Albert? Or something you see advertised in Rolling Stone?

Fitz: NO! Not that type of snuff you dumbass! Snuff films! Where we film people getting killed.

Thester: Oh right! Sniff films! I get it!

Fitz: What I want you to do is go to Best Buy and get us some iphones! ASAP!

Thester (salutes): You can count on me boss!

Fitz: While you're at it. Once you're done with that. PIck up my dry cleaning, too!

Thester: Thester Carbomb is my name! Multi-Tasking is my game! (laughs)

Fitz: Still need to work on that laugh!

Thester runs out of the Dippin' Dots building to buy Fitz and the Legion of DOOOOOM members some iphones. What Thester, Fitz or anyone else didn't know was danger was going to be brought upon them all.

Prop Cop (watches Thester run of the building): Found myself a hostage! Now is the time to take evasive action! (throwing a vase on the floor)





Chapter Two:


Thester Carbomb was driving down the streets of Paradise. He was having trouble trying to find the Best Buy. Prop Cop sees his car coming down the road and Prop Cop was in a booth.

Prop Cop: This is gonna be good! Here he comes!

Thester: OOOOOOHHH! I'm lost. (sees the booth) I know! I'll ask for directions. Fitz did tell me asking for directions was a sign of weakness. But I'll take my chances.

Driving his car to the booth, rolling down his window. Thester asks the man in the booth with no idea or regard that it was Prop Cop.

Thester: Excuse me, sir. Do you know where I can find the Best Buy?

Prop Cop: Sure! Before I give you the directions to get there. Want to have this CD of Mandy Moore? (holds CD to Thester's face)

Thester gladly accepts. Prop Cop knew from studying the Legion of DOOOOOM while in isolation, that Thester had a thing for female pop stars.

Prop Cop: Here, take it!

Thester: Mandy Moore! Oh boy! She was the Jojo Siwa of her day!

Prop Cop: Would you like to step out of the car?

Thester: Why would I want to do that?

Prop Cop: So you can come and get the CD of course!

Thester: YES! YES!

Prop Cop grabs Thester as fast as he could. Thester tries to escape Prop Cop's grasp, but couldn't.

Thester: What're doing? Where's my CD!

Prop Cop: I really got a 'hold' on you!

Thester: Who are you? (struggles to get free)

Prop Cop: Your worst nightmare! (puts on a knights helmet)

Thester: You assface! Get off me! Give me my CD!

Prop Cop: Ooooh! A potty mouth what have we? You need to wash your mouth out with soap! (puts soap in Thester's mouth)

Thester spits out the soap. Before he knew it, Prop Cop was forcing Thester inside his own car.

Prop Cop: Bad boy! Bad!

Thester: Where are you taking me? (trying to run far)

Prop Cop: On a little trip! (grabs Thester back)

Thester trips over Prop Cop's foot and lands on a pile of rocks.

Prop Cop: Looks like you hit 'rock bottom'. ( laughs.)

Thester: FITZ! PEDRO! FRANK! ANYONE! HELP ME!

Prop Cop forces Thester in the back seat and drives away. Back at the command room, Fitz was waiting for Thester to come back.

Fitz: Damn! It's been 2 fucking hours! Thester should've been back by now!

Frank Flipperfist: You think we should go and look for him?

Fitz: Yes I guess.

Pedro Pooptooth: Why are you agreeing to find Thester, puto? I thought you hated him.

Fitz: I need him for things. It's always cool to have somebody to yell at.

Frank Flipperfist, Pedro Pooptooth, and Fitz all agree to look for Thester.

Fitz: Hey, Frank? Where's your son, Jerry?

Frank Flipperfist: He's in dolphin school.

Pat Robertson: Would you guys like my help too?

Fitz: No, just stay here in case Thester comes back! Call me if he does show up.

Pat Robertson: Alrighty. And now....I pray!




Chapter Three:


Prop Cop parked Thester's car at his house. The same house Prop Cop was staying to hide away so he can get some dibs on the Legion Of DOOOOOM. Prop Cop's house was near Bumfuque right next door to the Old Jabowski place. Prop Cop has Thester walk to the house with a gun pointed at his buttocks.

Thester (arms in the air): Why are you doing this? What do you want from me?

Prop Cop: Keep moving! This is a stick up! As in stick up your ass!

Inside the messed up house of Prop Cop, there was broken dishes. Silverware laying around, a broken toilet. A clogged sink with dirt piled high. Articles of underwear all over the floor. Sacks of garbage with flies all around.

Thester (distraught): Ewww! This place is gross! Can you at least tell me who you are?

Prop Cop: Why of course! I am Prop Cop!

Thester could not believe his own eyes.

Prop Cop: Sure as shit ain't Venom, that's for true! And you thought I was dead, didn't you?

Thester: You can't be alive. Fitz said he killed you because he fucking hated prop comedy.

Prop Cop: I faked my death by using magic! Did I mention I'm also a magician?

Thester (puzzled): No. Why did you bring me here? (getting mad) You don't fucking know me!

Prop Cop: What're you? Charlize Theron from Monster? I know enough about you, Thester! In fact. I've been living here all alone spying on you guys!

Thester: I still don't get it......

Prop Cop: Tell you what. Go sit on that chair and I'll tell you why I brought you to my house.

Thester sees a lot of chairs and didn't know which one to sit on.

Prop Cop (points): That one that looks like it's from an airplane. Take that seat.

Thester confused on all levels sits on the airplane seat.

Prop Cop: (claps his hands): Good boy! Good boy! You catch on really 'Quick'. (throws a bottle of Nesquik at him) Don't go anywhere I'll be right back!

Thester (groans): I need to get back to the Legion of DOOOOM.

Looking for a way to escape, Thester drank the Nesquik and spat it out.

Thester: YUCK! DISGUSTING! Is this strawberry banana? I hate strawberry banana.

Prop Cop was taking a while to come back to tell Thester of his plan. Getting out of the chair. Thester tried windows only to see the windows have been bolted shut. Then he tries the front door, and it was locked like hell won't have it.

Thester: Oooooooh! Please! NO!! I gotta escape and get back to Fitz! Can't keep Fitz waiting! You never keep Fitz waiting.

Hearing Prop Cop coming back, Thester immediately ran back to the chair. Not wanting him to know he tried to escape. Which was dumb move on Thester's part.

Prop Cop was coming in Thester's direction. Thester gulped as he saw Prop Cop had some blue colored rope in his hands and two sets of handcuffs. Prop Cop puts the rope in Thester's face. Thester was scared shitless.

Thester: Can I ask? What's with the rope?

Without any hesitation. Prop Cop then ties up Thester with the rope. Taking out the handcuffs, Prop Cop fastens them around Thester's wrists and then another set of handcuffs around his ankles. Prop Cop takes a seat belt on the airplane seat and buckles it across Thester's lap.

Thester cries as Prop Cop laughs.

Prop Cop: You are now my prisoner!

Thester: You going to do some S&M porn on me or something? Why did you kidnap me? Are you gay?

Prop Cop: (laughing): No am I not. I captured you so I can get my revenge on Fitz for killing my friends!

Thester: Why are you keeping me here?

Prop Cop: So Fitz can come and rescue you. If he tracks us down, I shoot him right between the eyes. Then I wipe out all the other Legion of DOOOOOM people! Until then, I will keep you here with me so I can slowly kill you!

Thester: How?

Prop Cop: By making you laugh to death!

Thester (struggles but the ropes are tight): You'll never get away with this! Fitz is going to kick your ass!

Prop Cop: You can try to grapple out of those ropes all you want. You never will. Because you're all 'Tangled Up in Blue'! (laughs)

Thester breaths out sadly. Hoping Fitz or any of the other members of the Legion of DOOOOOM will find him.

Prop Cop (gags Thester's mouth): Pretty as a bow. A bow tie!

Thester (thinking): I feel like Denis Leary in The Ref.


_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



Chapter Four:


Fitz has Marcos Narcos drive around town in the Legion of DOOOOOM's limo. To see if Thester is in sight.

Frank Flipperfist: You sent him to the Best Buy, right?

Fitz: Correct.

Perdo Pooptooth: Maybe he's there. We'll go in and scope the place out.

Marcos Narcos drives to the Best Buy Parking Lot. None of them see any sign of Thester. His car wasn't there.

Fitz: Shit! Nothing! We came up empty handed!

Frank Flipperfist: Maybe we can go inside. Ask if people had seen him.

Fitz: You're right. Let's go in. Knowing him, he always parks his card in the back of the building, anyway.

Soon, the limo was parked near the front enterance. Fitz, Marcos, Frank, and Pedro all go inside. Fitz goes up to random people and the employees asking if they've seen Thester. All the people that were asked said they never saw him, nor he never showed up in Best Buy. Fitz was getting madder by the moment.

Fitz: THESTER! Where the fuck are you! I know you're here! Playing hide and seek are we? Show yourself this minute!

Marcos Narcos: (points to Robbie and Delbert): Maybe they know something.

Robbie and Delbert were at the DVD rack. Fitz stomped over to them.

Fitz: I need to talk to you two! Now!

Robbie: Okay. I'm all ears! What is it? (holds DVD in Fitz's face) Is the name of this movie!

Delbert: It's about a.....

Fitz: SHUT UP! I don't care! Have any of you two clowns seen Thester Carbomb!

Robbie: Never heard of him.

Fitz (points finger): HA! Denial! You have seen him!

Delbert: I've never seen that dude before in my life.

Frank Flipperfist (sneering): That's what they all say.

Pedro Pooptooth (in their faces): You putos made him disappear! Didn't you!

Robbie (sweating nervously): Now wait just a second! Why would we want to make a man go missing, for? We ain't gay!

Delbert: It's better to make women disappear if you ask me.

Frank and Pedro grab Robbie and Delbert by the shirt collars.

Fitz (taking out a chain): I'll give you two assfuckers two options! One, we all either sodomize you in the men's room until one of you confesses. Two, you take us to your house and we'll talk there.

Marcos Narcos: Choice is yours, gringos! (wields a knife)

Delbert (sweating in fear): I like the first option the best.....

Robbie (hits Delbert in the ribs): Go with the second!

Delbert: Okay! You win. Second it is!

Fitz: That's what I thought.

A while later, at Robbie and Delbert's crackhouse. Fitz was alone with the dimwitted redneck duo.

Fitz (displays a picture of Thester): We'll go over this again. Have you seen this man! Thester Carbomb!

Robbie: I never even knew he existed!

Delbert: We don't know nothin' about it. Sorry we can't help you. But I will say judging from that picture, he looks like one of dem goblins from the Goosebumps books!

Fitz: Bullshit! I'm not buying your crap! Take a close look! (points to the picture)

Delbert: Can we see a picture of Deborah Norville instead?

Robbie (laughs): We'd love to see what's 'Inside her Edition'! (cracks up) Get it!

Fitz (Screams): I know you have him! You ain't fooling nobody! You know where he is! Get me Thester Carbomb!

Robbie: Oh, we'll get you Thester Carbomb all right! We'll give you all the Thester Carbomb you want!

Delbert: You're gonna be very happy with us!

Fitz (pounds fist on a table): A-HA! I was right to be suspicious! You do have him! Bring him to me now!

Robbie and Delbert leave for a while. Once they come back. They brought to Fitz a car battery that exploded.

Fitz: BBBWWWAAAAHHH! What the fuck is this! Why did you get that for? What does a car battery have to do with Thester?

Robbie: You said to bring you a 'festered carbomb'! Ain't that it? (snickered)

Delbert: This is what you were looking for, right? Car battery that exploded like a bomb what have you? You can get it half price at Autozone. Or Carquest! (laughs)

Fitz: Oh fuck this! I give up! You two are useless! I'm outta here!

Robbie and Dilbert: (laughing and high fiving): We got him good!

Delbert: We ought to be on Prank Encounters! Which is also a NetFlix show!

Rushing out of the crack house and back into the limo. Fitz was livid beyond his limits. Then something came over him. Fitz was actually beginning to worry about his incompetent henchman.




Chapter Five:


Marcos Narcos continues to drive around the limo in the town of Paradise.

Pedro Poopooth: Didn't you say you wanted him to pick up your dry cleaning, ese?

Frank Flipperfist: He could be there right now. We can go to the Dry Cleaning place if you want.

Fitz: Whatever, I just want to find him so badly. (sobs) When I do, I'll treat him like an equal as I do with you guys. Even if he does get stupid ideas and fuck up plans!

Marcos Narcos: Next stop, Dry Cleaning! Hold on tight, amigos!

The limo made it's way to the Paradise Dry Cleaning building. Fitz gets excited when he sees a car parked in the lot that resembled Thester's car.

Fitz: Yes! Yes! Thester we found you! I can feel it now! He got us our iphones! Snuff films, here we come!

Pedro Pooptooth: It could be he's waiting in a long line.

Running out of the limo. Running faster than greased lightning. Fitz runs into the dry cleaning place. With dust literally coming up from the ground. Frank, Pedro, and Marcos could barely keep up with him.

Pedro Pooptooth: Hey! Wait for us!

Marcos Narcos: Why are you making us eat your dust, for?

Frank Flipperfist: Slow down! You wouldn't run this fast if it were me who went missing!

Fitz (closed eyes): Thester! I found you at last! Thanks so much for getting those iphones and.....

Opening his eyes, Fitz and his Legion of DOOOOOM members all see the building was empty inside.

Marcos Narcos: Dios Mio! This place is emptier than my Nanas vagina womb!

Pedro Pooptooth looked at him funny.

Marcos Narcos: What? I like to tell dirty incest jokes about my Nana! So what!

Fitz (gazing around): NO! NO! NO! Don't tell me... (pulling his face with his hands)

Marcos Narcos, Pedro Pooptooth, and Frank Flipperfist were just as shocked as Fitz was. Everyone was speechless.

Pedro Pooptooth: Uhhhhhh, (laughs nervously) Better luck next time?

Fitz: Where the fuck is the Dry Cleaning?!

Frank Flipperfist: Ran out of business perhaps? Or relocated?

Fitz falls onto his knees and silently cries into his hands. Frank's cellphone rings. It was Pat Robertson.

Frank Flipperfist (answers the phone): Oh hey, Pat.

Pat Robertson: (over the phone): Did you guys happen to find Thester yet?

Frank Flipperfist (over the phone): We're going around town looking for him. We were unable to find him to be honest.

Pat Robertson (over the phone): I'll keep praying for you!

Frank Flipperfist (over the phone): He didn't show up at the Dippin' Dots Building? Did he?

Pat Robertson (over the phone): No, didn't see him. Still waiting. I'll keep him in my prayers. Oh, and how is Fitz taking it?

Frank Flipperfist (over the phone): I think it's taking it quite well.....

Fitz jumped to his feet and howls and roars like a wild tiger. Fitz punches a hole in the wall of the now empty Dry Cleaning Building. Out of nowhere, Cop Bot came wheeling out before them.

Cop Bot: Freeze! Stop! I am Cop Bot! I am the only one who's allowed to steal jokes from Brooklyn Nine Nine!

Fitz: DAMN! Not him again! Oh shit! Come on, Legion of DOOOOOM! Let's get the FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!!

Frank Flipperfist (hangs up phone): Look! Something just came up. I'll call you back, later! Goodbye!

Cop Bot chased them all. Shooting at Fitz and his Legion of DOOOOOM members until they ran back inside the limo. Cop Shot kept shooting until the words "SO LONG MR. CHIPS" appeared in bullet holes on their limo.

Giving up for now. Deciding to start fresh in the morning. Fitz and his Legion of DOOOOOM members retreated back in the Dippin' Dots Building. Since being back from running around town trying to look for Thester. Fitz was in his office crying.

Fitz (staring at a picture of Thester): Thester! (sob) Thester! (sob) I know I've been hard on you. No wonder you wanted to kill yourself when you fuck up. (sob) It's only because I love you like a brother! (sob) Hold on there, Thester! Someday, somehow. I will find you. (cries nonstop).

Putting on some CDs, the Chris Isaak songs Can't Do A Thing To Stop Me and REM's E Bow the Letter. Fitz collapsed onto the floor of his office. Crying in fetal position.

Meanwhile, Frank Flipperfist, Pedro Pooptooth, and Marcos Narcos were all out selling argyle meth while Fitz cries in his office. However, the three of them were still on the lookout for Thester Carbomb.




Chapter Six:


At Prop Cop's house. He was happily tormenting Thester. Who still remained tied up in the airplane seat.

Thester (gagged): MMMM! MHPH! MMMM! MHPH!!!

Prop Cop (holding a clock and a gay porn magazine): We're both having a 'Gay Old Time'!

Thester (gagged): MMMMPPPHHHH!!!!

Prop Cop: What's that! Speak up! I can't hear you over that gag! Because you're a Gagman!

Thester (gagged): MMMMMMM! (Tries to kick but the handcuffs stop him)

Prop Cop: You're what they call a 'Dope On A Rope'!

Thester (gagged): NNNNNNOOOOOO!!!!!

Prop Cop: You're smiling! (points at Thester's face) You're smiling! I see a smile! You think I'm funny!

Thester (gagged): NNNNOOO! SSSTTTTOOOOOPPPPPP!!!!

Prop Cop: Now for something that'll really make you laugh to death!

Gets his laptop. Prop Cop begins to play Youtube Videos of McDonalds Happy Meal Videos from Japan. Then plays Pokemon commercials from Japan.

Prop Cop: Nothing funnier than the Japanese Language! Won't you say!

Thester (gagged): Fitz! Save me!

Prop Cop kept playing a Pokemon Toy Commercial over and over.

Thester (gagged): ENOUGH!

Prop Cop: Did you hear that? Sounds like they're saying, 'Pokemon Yucky'!

Thester (gagged): NO MORE PROP COMEDY! I can't take this no more! Let me go!

Prop Cop (singing) Let It Go! Let It Go! Let It Go! Oh Let It Go! (stops singing): Me, let you go! So you can expose my plan? NEVER! For you're a tough nut to crack!

Thester watches with tears in his eyes as Prop Cop continuously cracked nuts with a nutcracker.



__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



Chapter Seven:


Now Fitz was reporting for duty at his other job. The Paradise PD. As he walks into the precient. No one was there yet except Bullet.

Bullet: Hey, Fitz! Long time no see!

Fitz (hyperventilating): Bullet! Good you're here. Now listen. I need your help with something.

Bullet: Name your price!

Fitz: Here it goes. My uh, (pauses to think) 'Yoga Instructor' went missing.

Bullet: Yoga Instructor hey? Bet she's hot! Did you do her in those all 'positions'? Tell me! Is she tight?

Fitz: No! No! No! None of that sexual shit! I want to find her because she means the world to me!

Bullet: Why is she so important to you?

Fitz: She helped me calm down with my PTSD. For that, I want to bring her home. To repay her for all she's done for me!

Bullet: That settles it. Count me in. But conditions apply.

Fitz (wringing his hands): ANYTHING!

Bullet: Let me have access to the evidence room!

Fitz: The evidence room is all yours. I won't tell Randall!

Bullet agrees to hold up his end of the bargin. Before exiting the Police Precient, Bullet has bags of cocaine. Fitz follows. Strolling down the street, Fitz sees a torn down booth. The same one that belonged to Prop Cop.

Bullet: Anyplace you want to start?

Fitz (thumbs at the broken booth): That place.

Bullet (stops): Sure, just let me......

Fitz watches in embarrasment as Bullet snorts up some cocaine. Just as Bullet was about to sniff the broken booth for clues. Bullet gets a psychedelic style high.

Before Fitz knew it, Bullet was riding on a skateboard. MGMT's Electric Feel beings to play as Bullet sailed down the street on a skateboard.

Bullet: You don't want to be with me, dude!

Fitz (called out): But Bullet!

Bullet: I just wanted a reason to get stoned! BYE!

Fitz (sputtering with a long faced look): But....but....but.....but.....but....but...but.....but......but......but....(sigh) Ahhhh! Forget it!

Sadly going back inside the Precient. Fitz writes a note saying he needs some time off.


DEAR PARADISE PD:

THIS IS GERALD FITZGERALD. I NEED SOME TIME OFF. SOMEONE NEAR AND DEAR TO ME WENT MISSING AND I WANT TO FIND HER. I WANT TO DO THIS ON MY OWN. PLEASE UNDERSTAND. I WILL NOT BE BACK UNTIL I FIND HER AND SHE IS SAFE AND SOUND.

SINCERELY YOURS,

GERALD FITZGERALD.



Afterwards, he goes back to the Dippin' Dots Building in a inexpressive state of shock. Isolating himself in his office once more. Fitz listens to Portishead's Sour Times and Meredith Brooks's What Would Happen. Sobbing on the floor back in fetal position staring at a picture of Thester Carbomb.




Chapter Eight:


Sitting up against a wall in his office. Fitz was still hearbroken. Almost to the extent to where he didn't want to leave. Pedro, Marcos, and Frank all walk into his office to see him.

Pedro Pooptooth: I hate seeing him like this.

Frank Flipperfist: I know! This isn't how Kingpins behave when one of their own goes missing.

Marcos Narcos: I'll try to talk some sense into him.

Fitz sees Marcos Narcos walk into his office to try to console him.

Marcos Narcos: Hey, amigo. Still sad about Thester?

Fitz (crying): Yes. Isn't it obvious. Damn! I treated Thester like shit! I handled him the same way Peter Griffin goes at Meg! (sobs) If I could just see him once more....I.....

Pedro Pooptooth: There there, puto. (puts a hand on Fitz's shoulder.

Frank Flipperfist: We know how you feel. I'd be in the same boat as you if Jerry got lost.

Fitz: Let's face the facts here. The truth is Thester is gone. He's never coming back. That means we'll have to run our evil Argyle Meth empire without him. Who knows? Maybe we'll even do better. (groans) What am I saying! (sobbing)

Pedro, Marcos, and Frank have a plan. Gathering around like football players in a circle. They're going to tell Fitz they're going out to sell meth, but they're really trying to look for Thester.

Marcos Narcos: Uhhh, we're going to sell some Argyle Meth.

Frank Flipperfist: Yes. To that one bad residential area.

Pedro Pooptooth: We never been there before.

Fitz: OKay. Do what you have to do. If you need me, I'll be crying a river.

Pedro, Frank, and Marcos drive the limo to the bad residential area. Right next to the old Jabowski place on the border of Paradise and Bumfuque. They all get out of the limo.

Frank Flipperfist: Maybe the Jabowskis would like to buy our meth.

Marcos Narcos (gasps): Santa Maria! Look over there!

In an unexpected turn, they all see Thester's car parked near a run down house.

Pedro Pooptooth: Saints Be Praised! That's Thester's car! Let's all go back to headquaters and tell Fitz!

Driving back as fast as they could to the Dippin' Dots Building. Running into Fitz's office.

Frank Flipperfist: You not going to believe us!

Fitz: What! Don't just stand there! Tell me already!

Marcos Narcos: We found Thester's car!

Fitz (slamming his fists on his desk): WHERE!

Pedro Pooptooth: Next to the old Jabowski place.

Getting his invigorious spirits back, Fitz rushes to join them.

Fitz: He must've been kidnapped! Let's get a step on it! Boy when I get my hands on that sick bastard that kidnapped Thester...I'll......



Chapter Nine:



The limo drove fast and screeched to a halt when it stopped and parked near the old Jabowski place. Fitz, Pedro, Marcos, and Frank all ran out and tried to pry open the door to the house.

Fitz: Shit! It's locked!

Frank Flipperfist: Where are the keys? The ones that can unlock anything!

Pedro Pooptooth: Inside the limo!

Fitz: Oh great!

Marcos Narcos: There must be another way in!

Fitz finds a grill and picks it up with incredible strength.

Frank Flipperfist: Is he going to do what I think he's going to do?

Fitz surged with roaring as he threw the grill at the side of the house. Marcos Narcos goes inside.

Marcos Narcos: The coast is clear.

The four of them enter the house. It was empty and dark. Searching around to try to find Thester. Prop Cop is behind them, none of them knew it yet. Going into another room, Frank turned on a light. Much to their disturbance. They finally find Thester. He was still tied up, gagged, and cuffed on an airplane chair.

Thester: MMMM! MMMMM! MMMMMM!

A gun click is heard. The four of them turned over to see.

Prop Cop: I was hoping your four would show up!

Fitz gasps as he turned around to see Prop Cop. Frank, Pedro, and Frank were surprised as hell that he was still alive.

Frank Flipperfist: Who the hell is this asshole!

Prop Cop: I am Prop Cop! I've been studying your moves very carefully!

Fitz: I thought I had you killed!

Prop Cop: But you didn't! As you can see! I'm alive and kicking! Hee-ya! Hee-ya! Hee-ya! (kicking in the air) Just so you know, I used magic to fake my death.

Thester: MMMM! Fitz! MMMMM! Fitz!

Marcos Narcos: You were watching us! But why?

Prop Cop: So I can exact my revenge on Fitz for killing my friends! Siamese Twins Cops and Handi-Cop. Then I abducted Thester as a way to lure you all here so I can have the pleasure of killing you all myself! Then when the Paradise PD sees what an awesome job I did taking down the Legion of DOOOOOM, Randall Crawford will appoint me to be a policeman. Forgot to say I tried to kill Thester too. With laughter.

Thester (nods his head): MMMMM! It's true! MMMMM!

Feeling an emotional charge within in, Fitz was about to attack Prop Cop.

Fitz: Guys. Play that song that always gets me pumped up to fight!

Prop Cop: You won't be able to fight when I shoot you all. (points a gun) Because you're all going out with a bang!

Frank and Marcos get a CD Player and put inside a CD. When Prop Cop shots the gun, a flag that says 'bang' pops out of it.


As a fight was about to break out, a mysterious never before seen man enters the house. A 'giggity' sound was heard. He was tall, skinny, had black hair parted on the sides. Long nose, red Hawaiian Shirt, Jeans, and Brown Shoes. It was Glenn Quagmire from Family Guy.

Quagmire: Hey, guys! I was told there was an orgy going on here in Paradise! One where we all bang a chick who's bound and gagged!

Pedro Pooptooth: Who the FUCK are you?

Quagmire: Glenn Quagmire! heh heh! All right! I'm the biggest sex predator of Quahog Rhode Island! Serial rapist. Also, I'm an airplane pilot too!

Fitz: GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! Can't you see its a man who's tied up?

Quagmire (cringes): Eeeeeekkk? Really?

Marcos Narcos: Yes! Go back from where you came!

Frank Flipperfist: Yeah, you pretentious simp! You don't belong here! GET OUT!

Quagmire: Okay! Guess I came to the wrong house, then.

Marcos Narcos: That was an unecessary cameo appearance!

As Quagmire runs off. Pedro pushes a button on the CD Player. Fitz was about ready to fight.

Prop Cop: A little stand offish are we? (laughs)

Ween's I Can't Put My Finger On It plays on the CD Player. Fitz just went full on fighter mode as he plowed into Prop Cop.

Fitz: I'm gonna fuck your ass up! Consider yourself pulverized for what you did to Thester!

Frank, Pedro, and Marcos join on the fight as well. Thester watched helplessly wishing he could help out, as Fitz and the Legion of DOOOOOM members make mincemeat out of Prop Cop.

Thester: Mmmmph! Mmmmph!

Prop Cop was unable to defend himself against four violent criminals working for a Kingpin. Frank, Marcos, and Pedro were beating up on Prop Cop. However not as much as Fitz was. Prop Cop fell on the ground in a deep sleep. Fitz jumped onto Prop Cop's torso, and endlessly punched him across the face, back and forth until he was dead.

Fitz: Yes! Yes! Yes! I killed him! I killed him! (screams in Prop Cop's face) Who's the dead bitch now, mother fucker!

Frank sees Fitz punch out Prop Cops dead body even more. Almost as if Fitz wanted to bring him back to life, just so he could kill him all over again.

Pedro Pooptooth: You can stop now.

Frank Flipperfist: He's gone. He's joined the heavenly choir!

Marcos Narcos: You put him in a better place now.

Fitz hestitantly gets up and goes over to Thester. Fitz even giggled a little that he was so happy knowing that Prop Cop was dead and never going to cause trouble for the Legion of DOOOOOM ever again.

Frank Flipperfist: Did we win against a good guy?

Marcos Narcos: What's really weird is why would a good guy kidnap a bad guy?

Pedro Pooptooth: It's usually the other way around. But, yeah! So what? Who cares! This time the bad guys win!

Fitz (breathing relief): I got him! I got him! I got him! Go back to the limo and wait for me there. I want a moment alone with Thester.

Frank, Pedro, and Marcos just stared blankly.

Fitz: (yells): NOW!

The three head back to the limo as Fitz goes to free Thester. Fitz starts off by taking the gag off of Thester's mouth.

Thester (breathing): Boss! Fitz! Is that really you?

Fitz: In the flesh, baby.

Thester: Oooooh! I got myself kidnapped. He lured me with a CD! I should've known better! How could I've been so stupid!

Fitz: It's okay. It's all over now. Prop Cop can't hurt us anymore. I made damn sure of that.

Thester: Just say the word, boss....just say the word.

Fitz: No need for that. I realized I treated you like shit. Not going to do that anymore from here on out.

Thester: Did you really come all this way just to find me?

Fitz: Yes I did. Frank, Pedro and Marcos helped me.

Thester: What happens now? Where do we go from here?

Fitz (unties Thester): I get you outta here, that's what.

Thester (with a tearful smile): Thank you.

Fitz unbinded the rope that was holding Thester to the chair. Fitz gets a key he always keeps on him out of his pockets. Then uses it to unlock the handcuffs that were buckled across Thester's wrists and ankles. Then Fitz was done as he unfastened the seat belt to the airplane chair. Thester gets up from the chair and he hugs Fitz. Then both Fitz and Thester cry as they walk out into the limo. Once they get inside the limo, they both cry a fountain of tears.

Thester: I promise I'll do better next time. (cries)

Fitz: I missed you so much! (crying)

Thester: I thought I'd never see you again! You saved my life! I thought I was going to die! (crying)

Fitz: Even we evil people have to be noble sometimes! (crying)

Thester: Thank you! I owe you one! (crying)

Fitz: I'm going to treat you like family from now on! You can sleep in my room. I got an extra bed in my room at the Dippin' Dots building. I'll do anything for you.....(crying)

Thester: You're giving me your room. I need it because I was going to be kicked out of my apartment anyway.

Fitz: If you mess up, or have silly plans. I'll encourage you to do better! So no more suicide threats! It's nothing but uphill from here.

Thester and Fitz just hugged and cried. Pedro, Marcos, and Frank all looked at them like they were weird.

Marcos Narcos: They're not going to get all Brokeback Mountain on each other are they?

Frank Flipperfist: I hope not!

Pedro Pooptooth: (scoffs) I hate tearful reunions! Let's just drive them back home.

Thester (waves his hand): Hey, I'm back everybody! I'm back!

Frank, Pedro, and Marcos: WE KNOW!!!!!!




Chapter Ten Conclusion:


The very night, Fitz was in the bedroom getting ready for bed. With another day of distubuting meth to the town of Paradise. Fitz was wearing dark red pajamas with vibrant purple stripes on them.

Fitz: Thester! Time for bed!

Thester walked into Fitz's bedroom. Thester was wearing blue pajamas with a yellow paisley print.

Fitz: You would not believe what hell I went thought while you were kidnapped.

Thester: I never had anyone care about me as much as you do. I've always thought mad villains weren't supposed to care about the help.

Fitz: That's a stupid stereotype! After I was searching for you, I got so sad that I listened to some 90s soft rock songs that white people listen to!

Thester: Wow. Suppose not all villains are cruel and heartless.

Fitz: Of course not. Kingpins like myself have to have some type of humanity. We evildoers don't all have to be cold and cunning. While not caring for anyone else's lives.

Thester: Guess this means tomorrow you won't be so nice to me anymore.

Fitz: I'll probably be mean to you just to keep up appaerances to show everyone here who's boss. If I act like that with you, just remember. It's all an act.

Thester: Right, boss.

Fitz: From this moment forward, you are my secret best friend! We'll be the Brian and Stewie of Dippin' Dots!

Thester (smiles): I like that. There's one thing I don't get. Who're Brian and Stewie?

Fitz: That dog and baby from Family Guy.

Thester: Oh right them.

As Fitz and Thester both get under the covers to get ready to sleep. They bump fists. Thester turns off the light.

Thester: Good night, boss.

Fitz: Please, call me Fitz. You can call me boss in front of everyone else.

Thester: I get it. It'll all just be an act. I'll call you by your name in secret.

Fitz: It's a start. Now let's get some sleep. We got a big day of evil criminal deads ahead of us tommorow!

Both Fitz and Thester went to sleep. Fitz kept his word to manage Thester with more respect. In the days to come, whenever Thester came with with a failing plan or messed up.


Fitz got mad at him in front of everyone at the Legion of DOOOOM then Thester understood it was all just an act. Fitz even winked at Thester and gave him a thumbs up from time to time whenever it happened.



THE END