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Categories > Books > Harry Potter > His Princess

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• His Princess

  (#) siledubhghlase 2009-06-03

  Don't use asides to the reader (anyway, back to the story). It detracts from your narrative. You need to find a beta--that is, a proofreader. Poor grammar makes a story very difficult and often uncomfortable to read; however, your content is very good.
  
  I went and read the other "Tony Stark" story and I have to say I like this one better...so far.

  Author's response

  i dont have anyone to help me, so i did the best i can. thank you for your help

• His Princess

  (#) starboy454 2009-06-03

  so far so good please update soon

• His Princess

  (#) Chronos_KenS 2009-06-03

  i like what you have so far keep it up

• His Princess

  (#) zicou 2009-06-03

  Another great one!
  Was it their voices recorded and diffused by loudspeaker?
  Hope to read more soon so.....
  Continuuuuuuuuuuuuue!
  Z.

• His Princess

  (#) thekev 2009-06-03

  Good start, but you have a few mistakes you should correct.
  the worst one I remember is... Pentagram = five points
  

• His Princess

  (#) Cateagle 2009-06-03

  Some good ideas but the first two-thirds of the chapter needs rewriting with more dialog driving things than straight narration; it works better to show the read rather than tell them - it's also way more "challenging". Still, you've got someunique elemsnts here and I'm going to be most interested in seeing hwo matters evolve.

• His Princess

  (#) michae1ange1o 2009-06-04

  Very interesting story so far, I'm kinda baffled over the Goblet of fire book, but I guess it involves an interesting plotline in itself. The druid wedding I'm afraid was kinda boring, if I personaly was going to write in a wedding, I'd have just abrieviated it to the most important parts instead of the whole shebang. Keep up the good work.

• His Princess

  (#) axelrajr 2009-06-04

  good chapter, and a decent fic so far.
  
  but, i am highly unsure about the inclusion of a harry potter 'book' within the fic.

• His Princess

  (#) vianca 2009-06-04

  Only problem I have is this:
  [quote]"FAVORITE story, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by J.K. Rowling"[/quote]
  
  I thought this was a Harry Potter crossover with Iron Man.
  So how can Harry's favorite book be one with him self as main character?
  It might sound strange, but I rather see him read Treasure Island then that book.
  Heck the only book close is Lord of the Ring, and that is way to heavy in writing style (for a kid).
  
  So, is michae1ange1o right in it being a plot point?

• His Princess

  (#) animesam 2009-06-04

  I like the idea
  hope to see more
  

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