Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance

Sugar in the Engine

by xXKobraKidXx 0 reviews

Gerard knew there was something wrong with Mikey, but he tried so hard to ignore the signs. Unfortunately, he was only trying to escape the inevitable.

Category: My Chemical Romance - Rating: R - Genres: Angst,Drama - Characters: Bob Bryar,Frank Iero,Gerard Way,Mikey Way,Ray Toro - Warnings: [?] - Published: 2014-05-28 - 7741 words - Complete

The concerned look on Gerard’s face was almost constantly there whenever his brother was present. Mikey had been acting so strangely as of late, it was a wonder as to why Gerard hadn’t seen this coming. He’d seen the tears, the look of desperation in his eyes. He’d heard the tiny whimpers that escaped the younger’s lips and the thrashing induced by nightmares in the late hours of night. He felt the two of them growing apart as their stay dragged on and on at the Paramour.

Alas, deep down, Gerard had been trying to escape the inevitable. He had been denying it for as long as possible, denying it until it was too late.

The sounds were distant, like everything and everyone were all across the building. He felt as though he was watching everything happen from the outside, as though all of this was happening to someone else. Frank was trying to get him to snap out of his daze, but in all honesty, he just wasn’t focused on his younger friend. He couldn’t feel it. He couldn’t hear what Ray was calmly saying over the phone, even though tears were practically pouring out of his eyes like a faucet. He couldn’t hear Bob’s frustrated and disbelieving voice.

He was only focused on the pills that had been spilled to the floor and the body of his younger brother on the bed, sprawled over the duvet, chest barely moving as his body shut down. He only heard the pounding of his own heart, felt the warm tears of salt against his pale skin, and the bile slowly rising up in the back of his throat.

“M… Mikey.” In those ten minutes of just standing there, staring, Gerard finally said something. “Mi-Mikey…” Gerard collapsed to his knees, still refusing to believe it. Mikey wouldn’t do this. Mikey would /never/ do this. He’d /never/ leave Gerard, not like this. He’d never go out like this. He pinched himself, hoping that this was just some sort of sick dream. When he felt a pinprick of pain, he let out a tiny gasp.

 That wasn’t supposed to happen. He wasn’t supposed to feel it. /It’s supposed to be a nightmare./ He was supposed to wake up and run to Mikey’s room. He was supposed to walk in, find that Mikey was sleeping soundly, and feel relieved. /It’s a dream. It has to be./

But why can he feel it?

“Gerard! Stop!”

Frank’s voice causes Gerard to flinch. Frank’s eyes are filled with many emotions- fear, loss, desperation, anger, and even a little hope- but the one that stands out the most is concern. Gerard couldn’t look him in the eye. He didn’t want the concern. He didn’t want anyone to be worried about him. He wanted Mikey to wake up. Gerard looked down at his arm and saw why Frank made him stop. He had pinched hard enough to draw blood, which was currently running down his arm at a depressingly slow pace.

Frank didn’t hesitate to pull Gerard into an embrace. The older accepted the younger’s comfort, burying his face into the crook of Frank’s neck, silently sobbing. Frank rubbed Gerard’s back, offering whatever comfort he could to the older.

“Gerard, I can’t promise that he’ll be okay,” Frank murmured, “But we will get through this, for better or for worse.”

“I c-can’t lose him, F-Fr-Frank,” Gerard whimpered.

“I know, man. We just have to hope for the best.”

The ride to the nearest hospital had been a blur. Gerard stared blankly at his brother’s face, gently gripping his hand as though he were afraid that it would break. His eyes hurt from crying and his throat was raw from pleading for Mikey to /wake up./ Paramedics were doing what they could to keep Mikey alive, but deep down, Gerard knew that this wouldn’t end well.

“Gerard.” Gerard looked up at Frank. “We’re here, Gee. They need you to let go of Mikey so they can treat him.”

Gerard cooperated, and started to follow the doctors, but Frank immediately stopped him. He let out a small noise in protest and tried to pry himself from the younger’s grasp, but he wasn’t able to.

“Let them do their work. They won’t get anything done if you get in the way too much.” Frank led him over to a chair and helped him sit down. “I know you’re worried, Gerard. We’re all worried. For now, though, you need to calm down. You need to let them get their work done.”

Gerard stared at the floor, once again tuning the world out as Frank did something he hadn’t in a long time- pray.

Frank lightly shook Gerard, who had fallen asleep in the chair. It took him a moment to remember where they were and why they were there. Upon remembering what had happened, he jolted up. “Frank, is he okay? Please tell me he’s-”

Frank sighed and shook his head. “He’s not doing too well, Gerard. They’ve got him on life support. At best, he’s only got an hour or so.”

Gerard felt sick to his stomach. His eyes ached from the tears he had shed the past few hours and he suddenly felt dead on the inside. He shook with fear and loss, prompting Frank to rub soothing circles onto his friend’s back.

“Can we see him?”

“Gerard, are you-”

“Frank, I /need/ to see him.”

Frank sighed and nodded. “I’ll go ask the doctor. Stay put, okay?” He stood and walked over to the nearest doctor, leaving Gerard to his thoughts.

What was Gerard supposed to do without Mikey here? Mikey was his rock, his best friend. They understood each other better than anyone else and supported each other through so many of their struggles. Mikey had been there to help Gerard sober up. He wouldn’t have that support that got him through his darkest days. He wouldn’t have that little piece of home that came from Mikey. And Alicia… did she even know that Mikey was in the hospital? Gerard’s heart sank further. Mikey had recently proposed to her. He had finally met someone that he loved with all his heart, and that was about to be gone. It made Gerard want to scream at Mikey… but he knew he couldn’t do that. What was he supposed to tell their parents? How was he supposed to tell his mother that-

“Gerard? He said that we can see him.”

When Gerard stood, he could feel his heart pounding against his chest, threatening to kick its way out of its cage of ribs and muscle. He felt faint, as though he were once again looking into someone else’s life. Bile threatened to shoot up his throat, his hands shook with a combination of sheer terror and unbridled anxiety, and he felt as though he was going to pass out. He followed the doctor and Frank into Mikey’s room, where he knew right then and there what the outcome would be.

Mikey was hooked up to a heart monitor, a respirator, and various other machines that Gerard either didn’t know or simply couldn’t remember the name. The respirator forced Mikey to breath, making his chest rise and fall as the sharp, shrill beeps of the monitor counted each beat. Cautiously, Gerard stepped closer to his bedridden brother, sitting next to him in the plastic chair. He tried to ignore the fact that Mikey was a pale as the sheets draped over his body, that he looked so tiny with the machines hooked up to him.

Carefully, Gerard took Mikey’s hand, as though it would shatter. He gently rubbed circles on the back of it with his thumb, using his free hand to wipe away his tears.

Gerard knew he wouldn’t get an answer, but he decided now might be his only chance to say what needed to be said. “I really hope you can hear me, kid. I… I love you, you know that? I love you so much, Mikey. You’re my best friend, my baby brother. I just wish that this wasn’t happening. This feels like a nightmare, like I just can’t wake up. I want you to open your eyes… I want you to wake up and talk to me. I want you to talk about why you thought this was the solution. I want to help you. But… they’re telling me that you’re not going to make it. They keep saying that you’ll die within the hour, but I don’t want to believe that. I want to believe that you’ll be okay.”

Gerard leaned over and kissed Mikey’s forehead. “Please don’t leave me. You’re my rock, Mikes. You’re my best friend, my baby brother. I need you here. I need you at my side. Please-”

A long, shrill beep cut Gerard off. His heart skipped a beat as panic took him. “Mikey?! Mikey, no!”

Doctors rushed in, pushing Gerard away from his brother. Gerard tried to fight his way back to his brother, tried to convince himself that this wasn’t the end. He couldn’t escape Frank and Ray’s grip. He fought against them, screaming and crying and cursing as they pulled him out of the room. Once they were out, the door was slammed shut and cut Gerard off from Mikey. Ray and Frank finally let Gerard go. He ran to the door, trying to pry it open. However, he was unsuccessful in opening it- the staff had locked it. Gerard pounded on the door, screaming even though his throat was sore. Frank, Ray, and Bob didn’t dare try to take him away from the door. Doing so would’ve been a death wish.

Eventually, Gerard stopped. He turned away from the door and rested his back against it, slowly sliding down into a sitting position. He brought his knees up to his chest and buried his face into his arms, sobbing. Frank cautiously approached Gerard and knelt down beside him, wordlessly pulling him to his chest. He let the older cry into his chest, wiping away a few tears of his own. Ray then joined in the embrace, then Bob. Nobody tried to say that everything would be okay. Nobody spoke any reassuring words or tried to tell Gerard that Mikey was in a better place. It /wouldn’t/ be okay… not any time soon.

Gerard heard a knock at his door, shattering the silence in his hotel room that he had grown accustomed to over the past few hours. He had made it clear to his other bandmates that he didn’t want to be disturbed. Rather than telling whoever it might’ve been at the door to go away, though, he simply ignored it, hoping they’d get the message. The pounding didn’t stop. He thought it might’ve been Lindsey, since she wasn’t one to easily give up. If it were Lindsey, though, she probably would’ve kicked down the door without a second thought. Seeing that the door had yet to be knocked off its hinges, he decided that it wasn’t his fiancé.

“Gerard? C’mon, open up, man.”

Gerard sighed, recognizing the voice. It was Brian, their manager. “Just… go away, Brian. I want to be alone.”

“No, you don’t,” Brian said knowingly. “Gee, I’ve known you long enough to know that you don’t want to be alone when it comes to matters like this. You didn’t want to be alone when your grandmother died… I’m sure you don’t want to be alone with Mikey dead.” When Gerard didn’t answer, Brian sighed. “Just give me ten minutes. If you want me to leave you alone after that, I will.”

Gerard gave it a bit of thought before standing up off the bed. He quietly ambled to the door, unlocking it and opening it up. He moved aside to let Brian in before closing it again, retaking his place on the bed.

Brian sat down next to Gerard, giving him a serious look. “I’m not even going to ask if you’re okay. I know you’re not. But I want to know if you’re feeling any urges. I want to make sure that you’re not contemplating suicide or planning on picking drugs back up.”

Gerard shook his head, running his fingers through his short white locks. “No. No, I’m not. I know killing myself or snorting crack won’t help me.”

“Good. I know Mikey wouldn’t want you to do either of those. He wouldn’t want you to walk down that path again.”

“If he cared so much, why the fuck would he kill himself?!”

Gerard’s sudden outburst caused Brian to flinch. He didn’t dare try to stop him, though- it sounded like Gerard needed to let this out.

“If he really cared, he wouldn’t have put me through this pain! If Mikey really didn’t want me to kill myself or go back to taking the drugs, why would he kill himself? Why the hell would he keep all this hidden from me? Why couldn’t he have just told me that he was feeling so badly? I though he understood that I was there for him! I though he knew that he could come to me with anything! If he really did care about me, if he really cared about my well-being, he would’ve stayed. He would’ve known that I’d be devastated.” Gerard took in a deep breath, finishing his mini-rant. “He… he didn’t even leave a note. He didn’t leave a reason. He... he didn’t even say goodbye. He didn’t say ‘I love you’ or anything. He just… he fucking left me behind, Brian…" Brian pulled Gerard in for a tight embrace as he finally broke down, crying into the manager’s shoulder. He rubbed Gerard’s back gently, allowing him to let it all out. He said nothing as Gerard whimpered soft apologies to his brother.

Ten minutes had passed relatively quickly. However, Brian didn’t leave- Gerard needed the comfort, whether he liked it or not.

When Gerard came into the kitchen for some coffee the very next morning, he was met with the sight of Frank already down there, looking like he hadn’t had much sleep. He was drinking a cup of coffee, looking out the window, and, judging from the way he was talking, was likely on the phone, delivering some bad news.

“I’m fine, Jamia,” Frank croaked, completely giving off the opposite vibe. “I mean… well… okay, I’m not /okay/, per se, but I’m getting through it. I just… I never thought Mikey would do such a thing. He’s always been so positive, y’know? I never thought he’d swallow half a bottle of pills and leave us behind without a note.”

Gerard silently listened to Frank’s side of the conversation, quietly observing the younger. A few times, Frank would scrub at his eyes or sniffle, but he managed to keep his composure.

“I’ll talk to you later, baby. I love you, Jamia.” Frank hung up and turned around, not seeming the least bit surprised that Gerard was there. He padded over to the older, sighing softly.

“Didn’t get much sleep?” Gerard asked.

Frank shook his head. “I spent the better half of the night asking myself all these questions. You?”

“Nightmares… too many for my liking,” Gerard sighed.

Gerard poured himself a cup of coffee. He looked down at the dark liquid, not really feeling the urge to gulp it all down like he usually did. He must’ve zoned out, because Frank waved a hand in front of his face and called his name.

“Gerard, did you hear what I asked?”

“No… sorry.” Gerard ran his fingers through his hair, giving Frank an apologetic look.

“Does Alicia know? Or your parents, do /they/ know?”

Gerard froze. “No… they don’t.” Gerard suddenly felt like he was going to vomit. “Shit, I didn’t tell them yet!”

“Whoa, calm down, man!” Frank gripped Gerard’s shoulders gently. “Calm down. Tell them sometime soon, though… you should be the one to break the news to them.”


Gerard sighed wearily. He had just finished calling his mother and delivering her the tragic news, asking that she pass the news to his father. As soon as he hung up, he had dialed Alicia’s number.

“Alicia… hey…”

“Gerard? What’s wrong?”

Gerard paused for a moment carefully choosing his words. “Alicia… this is about Mikey.”

“What about Mikey? Is he hurt? Sick? Or… is he having an affair?”

“No, none of those… none of those, especially that last one,” Gerard assured her. He sniffled softly, wiping at his eyes. “Alicia… he’s… he’s dead.”

He heard Alicia’s breath hitch. /“No… no, he can’t be. Gerard, this better be a prank!”/


“Seriously, Gerard! You-”

“Dammit, Alicia, this isn’t a fucking prank!”

There was a long pause on Alicia’s end. When the silence lasted a beat too long, Gerard sighed. “Alicia, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell.”

“He’s dead?”

“Yes… Alicia, he…” Gerard struggled to keep it together, feeling fresh tears spill from his eyes. “He killed himself… we found him early yesterday morning. They couldn’t save him and-”

“He’s gone..?”
 Alicia was obviously crying. /“Fuck, Gerard, I’m so sorry…”/

“No… it’s… it’s fine,” Gerard sniffled, “It’s fine… I’ll talk to you later. I just…”

“I get it, Gerard. I’ll see you later.”
 Gerard didn’t miss the way Alicia’s voice cracked. As she hung up, Gerard allowed himself to break down, finally feeling reality coming to him full force.

The fact that it was such a beautiful day only made Gerard feel worse. Today wasn’t a nice day at all. They had just put Mikey into the ground after a long and incredibly emotional funeral. Was it too much to ask for some emotionally fitting weather?

Gerard just stood at Mikey’s headstone numbly, staring at the granite rock that he had spent hours designing. He felt that Mikey would’ve liked it, and that almost brought a smile to his face… /almost./ His eyes were irritated from crying and he felt distant once again, wishing that this wasn’t real.

What really surprised Gerard, though, was the fact that he wasn’t the only one there. Nearly everyone left the cemetery after Mikey was buried. However, there were those who were willing to stay for a little longer, especially since this hurt them as much as it hurt Gerard.

Gerard expected their parents to stay behind, as well as his bandmates and Alicia. Lindsey, being the wonderful fiancé she was, had also stayed, and was currently comforting Alicia, who was very much like a sister. Pete and Gabe were there, too, since they had been pretty close to Mikey and were feeling the impact of his death.

The near-silence was finally broken by Pete, who kicked a nearby tree. “He’s a fucking hypocrite!”

“Pete, calm down, man!”

“Don’t tell me to calm down, Saporta!” Pete’s uncharacteristic anger forced Gabe to step back. “He… he did something that he stood against. Something that we all stood against! He’s a motherfucking hypocrite! I fucking hate him. I hate him so fucking much-”

Gerard’s fist connected with Pete’s jaw, earning a surprised grunt of pain from the younger. Pete rubbed his sore jaw with a deer-in-headlights look in his eye.

“You… you shut the fuck up, Wentz,” Gerard growled, voice low. “Don’t you dare say anything like that again.”

“…I’m sorry. I…” Pete sighed heavily, glancing at Mikey’s headstone. “Y’know, after my suicide attempt, I felt so lost. He put that smile back on my face.” Pete wiped a few tears away with his sleeve. “I remember talking with him one particular night at Warped, telling him about it. He gave me a hug and didn’t let go for the longest time. He told me that he was happy that I didn’t succeed and that he thought I was so strong for putting my life back together. That’s why I’m so fucking upset about this. I’m so angry that he didn’t try to talk about this with anyone. The world lost such a kind-hearted and sweet individual, and we’re not going to have anyone else like him ever again.”

Gerard’s features softened. He knelt down beside Pete and pulled him into an embrace, letting out a shaky breath. “I’m sorry for punching you, Pete. I just… I miss him. I miss him so much. Before this, we told each other everything. We told each other what was bothering us and we always helped each other sort it out. I feel like I could’ve talked him out of it. If I had just seen the signs… if I didn’t ignore the signs like the idiot I am, maybe he’d still be here.” Gerard sniffled and buried his face into Pete’s shoulder. “I miss my baby brother, Pete…”

Gerard had been in the process of packing Mikey’s things when Frank knocked lightly on the open door. Gerard turned and gave the guitarist a small, sad smile. “Hey, Frank.”

“Hey, Gerard,” Frank sighed, stepping over to the vocalist. He joined Gerard in packing Mikey’s bags, carefully folding Mikey’s old Anthrax t-shirt. “How are you feeling, man?”

Gerard sighed softly, looking down at his brother’s Five Finger Death Punch necklace. “I’m better… but it still hurts to think about him.” He set the necklace aside, making a mental note to ask Alicia if he could keep it as a memento. He gave the younger a look and got to the point. “Frank, I don’t want to find a replacement for the band.”

“We figured you wouldn’t,” Frank chuckled bitterly, “It just wouldn’t feel right. I don’t think it would necessarily be an insult to Mikey’s memory, but it’s close enough.” He gave another sigh and asked, “Gerard, are we even going to finish the album?”

Gerard nodded, putting the t-shirt that read /MIKEY FUCKIN’ WAY/ into the suitcase. “Yeah… we are. I think Mikey would want that… don’t you?”

“Yeah…” Frank paused, thinking of how to phrase whatever it was that he was going to say. “I think we should put /Disenchanted/ on the album.”

Gerard stopped packing for a moment to give Frank a solemn look. “You do?”

“Well, yeah. It was his favorite, and we’ve already recorded it… don’t you think we should include the last song we recorded with him in the album?”

Gerard nodded, wiping at his eyes. “Y-yeah. We should… he’d love it.” Frank pulled him in for an embrace, gently rubbing his friend’s back. Gerard squeezed Frank tightly, afraid that if he let go, he’d disappear.

Gerard laid down in his bed that night, sighing softly. He had placed a Dictaphone on the nightstand, prepared to record his nightmares. He had, as of late, been in the middle of writing a new song, and in order to complete it, he needed this one last piece of the puzzle. He had to make it feel real, make it seem like the fans were there. In order to do so, he’d need that genuine fear. He placed it where it could be easily accessed and closed his eyes, slowly falling into a deep sleep.

Gerard eyed the little envelope that fell out of his sketchbook. /Gerard/ had been written in the familiar scrawl that belonged to Mikey, letters that were sloppily written, yet still legible. With shaking hands, Gerard picked up the envelope, carefully opening it and pulling out a letter- Mikey’s famous last words.


First of all, I want you to know that this isn’t your fault. I know that’s how you feel right now. I know that you feel angry and upset, and I know that you’re blaming yourself. You’re thinking about what you could’ve done to help me, and I want you to know that there’s nothing you could’ve done. There was nothing that anyone could’ve done.

I know this makes me seem really negative, but that’s how I felt. Something inside me told me to not bring it up to you. Perhaps it was the fact that you seemed so stressed about this new album. Perhaps it was the thought that you might have checked me into a clinic and get the help that I know I needed. Perhaps it was a little bit of both. I’m really not sure, now that I think about it… but I know that, after I’m gone, I won’t have to worry about it.

I know that I’m letting everybody down… I know that I’m screwing you guys over. For that, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I’m leaving you to finish the album without me. I just hope you all find a way to move on. I hope that you guys release the album… maybe even find a new bassist and create release another album. I’m sure that, with me out of the picture, nothing will stop you guys from being the best you can be.

And I know that I’m hurting Alicia, too. She almost makes me want to tear up this letter and put away the pills, but I know she’ll be better off without me. She’s more than I deserve… so much more. I want her to move on and find someone else, the man she’s meant to be with. I want her to find someone that can be there for her. I want her to be happy.

Then there’s Pete. I’m aware that he’ll call me a hypocrite. I’m aware that he’ll say that he hates me. I just ask that you don’t take any of that personally. I know Pete well enough to understand that he doesn’t mean any of it. He’ll move on, and when he does, he’ll see that I’m in a better place. I’ll be happy to have all this stress gone completely. I’m happy to die.

I love you. You’re the best big brother anyone could’ve asked for. I really want you to know that. You’ve always been there for me, always protected me from the bullies and the nightmares. You always made me feel at the top of the world, even when I was at my lowest. I may be gone, but I’m there in your memories… in your heart. Please don’t change. Don’t go back to drugs, or drinking yourself to death. Please don’t become the cold and distant person that I let myself become. Please don’t become somebody that I don’t know.


Gerard dropped the letter his hands shaking even more. He sniffled softly, rubbing at his eyes as they began to water. He sobbed quietly in his hotel room for several minutes, feeling as though the mental wound had been ripped open once again.

“Oh, Mikey…” Gerard picked up the letter and placed it back into the sketchbook, making a mental note to place it in a safe place. For two weeks, Mikey’s final words had gone unnoticed. It cut Gerard straight to the core.

However, there was something inside of Gerard that became inspired. He grabbed his songwriting notebook and began to scribble down the lyrics that came almost instantly to his mind, a song that he was sure Mikey would’ve loved.

“Thank you so much for doing this, Mister Way. I know this must be unbelievably difficult for you to do.”

“It’s fine. I… I feel that this is something that needs to be talked about, anyway,” Gerard replied to the reporter. “And please, just call me Gerard.”

The reporter gave Gerard a small, sympathetic smile. “Are you all ready?”

There was a unison sound of acknowledgement from Ray, Frank, and Bob before the reporter pulled out her recorder. “Before we get too deep into this interview, I want to know how the four of you have been doing since Mikey committed suicide.”

“It’s been really rough,” Gerard sighed, “It felt like a nightmare. For the longest time, I felt like all of this was happening to someone else. Reality never actually hit me until we finished the album. I knew then that Mikey was really gone.”

“It felt like that for all of us,” Ray added, “It really hit us hard, since Mikey was very much like family to all of us. He was everyone’s little brother, and when he died, there was this void left in the band.”

“What happened that day? We’ve heard stories and rumors, but I think everyone wants to know exactly what happened.”

“We had an early morning rehearsal scheduled for that day,” Frank said, “and Mikey didn’t show up. That wasn’t like him at all, so we decided to check in on him. We just… we found him there. At the time, he was still alive, but he was at the point where it was unlikely that he’d even survive the ride to the hospital.”

“He didn’t last too long… they gave him an hour after they were done,” Bob piped up, “Mikey didn’t even get through half that time.”

“How did Mikey’s death affect the album?”

“Originally,” Gerard said, “The album had ten songs. We had no intention of including three extra songs. After my brother’s suicide, the guys talked it over and Frank told me that we should include /Disenchanted/, which was Mikey’s favorite song and the one that he really wanted on the album. /Sleep/ wasn’t necessarily written in the aftermath of Mikey’s death… rather, it was written due to the nightmares I experienced before. I saw these images of the people I loved dying, and that haunted me. Looking back on it, I feel like it was a premonition. As for /Famous Last Words/, it was written about two weeks after he died. Around that time, I had found Mikey’s suicide note- his /famous last words/- and those words cut me to the core. They hurt me, but, at the same time, I felt some sense of closure. I remember wondering for those two weeks /why/ Mikey didn’t talk about his problems,/why/ he killed himself, and that letter answered each one of my questions.” Gerard paused to wipe away his tears. “He said that he was /happy to die./That hurt me in so many different ways, ways that even I can’t explain.”

“Do you intend on sharing those last words with the fans?”

“No. Not any time soon.”

The reporter nodded before asking, “What does this mean for My Chemical Romance? Do you intend on finding another bassist? Or will one of you take over the bass part?”

“At this time, neither of them seems likely,” Gerard sighed softly. “It wouldn’t feel right. Mikey’s been here since the beginning. He came up with our name, helped write our songs, and stuck with us until he just wasn’t able to anymore. I don’t want to do this without him. This band is a reminder, and it brings forth both good and bad memories. I can’t say that we’ll replace him, or that one of us will take over bass. I guess only time can tell.”

Frank nodded in agreement. “I agree. It’s hard to deal with the death of a good friend, especially since he’s done so much for the band. I love this band with all my heart, but it’s hard to move on. If we do decide to keep moving forward, I think there’ll be a mutual agreement to not replace Mikey with someone new.”

“Do you have any favorite memories with Mikey that you’d like to share?”

At this, Gerard gave a small chuckle. “Oh, where do I begin?” He gave it a bit of thought before saying, “There are countless memories that we’ve shared that I cherish, but I think the ones that mean the most to me were when we were kids. Mikey and I would go to our grandmother’s house often, and while we were there, we’d pretend to be superheroes and defend Belleville from people we considered villains. I remember that we didn’t like the mail carrier… he was basically our Joker, and Mikey and I would terrorize him. This one time in particular, though, Mikey had gotten a slingshot and started shooting whatever he could find- pebbles, pine cones… I think he may have picked up a piece of chewed gum and shot that, too!”

Frank giggled, “Gross, dude.”

“Yeah, it was… but Mikey was probably around five or so, and five-year-old boys don’t exactly find gross things gross.”

Frank nodded, “True… I guess my favorite memory was back when we were at Warped. There was this rumor that Mikey was apparently in some sort of romantic relationship with Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy, and Mikey would always turn bright red whenever someone mentioned it. We were hanging out with the guys in Fall Out Boy, and Joe decided to bring it up. Mikey’s just trying to dismiss these rumors, and Pete’s just laughing his ass off, and the next thing we know, Pete’s kissing him! Then, after they broke the kiss, Pete called him a dork. /I had never seen Mikey’s face that red./”

“Gerard looked like he was going to castrate Pete,” Bob added.

“And I probably would’ve, too,” Gerard said matter-of-factly.

“My favorite memory was our first Christmas together as a band,” Ray said, “We didn’t really have much money, but you could tell that there was a lot of love. Mikey and I went gift shopping together, since we were kinda bored, and we stopped by a pet store because the puppies were just /staring/ at us. We probably spent hours there, and when we left at closing time, Mikey had, like, six puppies, three kittens, and a parakeet following him. I’m surprised he didn’t just smuggle them out of there, since it looked like he really wanted to keep them.”

“I think my favorite memory,” Bob began, “was at the very beginning of the writing sessions for /The Black Parade./ Back then, we were all pretty happy, all pretty cheerful. We wrote the songs, rewrote a couple, and began piecing together the concept that would become this album. We didn’t feel this strain… actually, I don’t think any of us felt that this would be a difficult album. Back then, we were all blissfully ignorant of what would happen after months of writing. That memory was the last time I saw Mikey’s smile.”

“Is there anything else you guys would like to add?”

“…Mikey was an awesome guy. He had this positive vibe, even until the end,” Ray said fondly. “You just couldn’t be in a horrible mood around him. I guess that’s why none of us truly noticed that he was feeling so horribly until it was too late. We’re all going to live with that, and it hurts to think that way.”

“We all miss him, and we know it’s going to hurt for a while,” Bob added, “But we also know that the pain will get better with time. These wounds may not heal completely, but it’ll be better.”

“Mikey was a dork, and we all loved him for it.” Frank chuckled lightly, “I think that’s what I’ll miss most. I’ll miss hearing him debate with the techs about /Star Wars/ being better than/Star Trek/. I’ll miss nerding out with him over the dumbest things.”

“Mikey was my best friend,” Gerard sighed, wiping at his eyes. “He and I have always been really close and were able to tell each other everything. I… I wonder what made him think that he couldn’t tell me about how he was feeling. It makes me feel like I somehow failed him.”

The reporter stopped recording and placed the recorder back in her bag, wiping a few tears from her eyes. “Thank you so much for doing this. I’m so sorry for your loss.”

“Are you guys ready?”

Gerard, Frank, Ray, and Bob stood in a circle backstage, dressed in their Black Parade attire. This show had been carefully planned out for the past month, each detail having been thought up by Gerard himself. It was also a solemn performance, one that had been rightfully dedicated to their fallen brother. The four of them prepared themselves for an emotional rollercoaster, knowing that this performance would bring forth memories, both good and bad.

“I love you guys,” Gerard said, instigating a pep talk. “You’ve been so supportive, so willing to help me pull this off. I know that I’ve been a wreck the past two months, but you’ve put up with it, and I cannot thank you enough.” Gerard paused to wipe away a few tears. “If Mikey were here, I know he’d appreciate this.”

The four of them gathered together for their traditional group hug, which lasted longer than it usually did. It felt strange without Mikey there, and it was enough to bring them all to tears. However, now was not the time to cry. Now was the time to celebrate Mikey’s life, not mourn his death.

They pulled apart, leaving to grab their instruments. Gerard sighed, taking a moment to get himself together before going out on stage.

“Gerard? You okay, man?”

“Yeah… just a little emotional.” He turned to Pete, who had his bass ready. “Thank you so much for doing this, Pete. I know that you’re busy with Fall Out Boy and all-”

“No worries, Gerard. Actually, Patrick encouraged me to do this.” Pete sighed softly, running his fingers through his hair. “And even if he didn’t, I still would’ve come.”

“Still… thank you so much. I know there are others that would’ve been willing to help, but I chose you because you knew exactly what was going through Mikey’s head. In a way, you remind me of Mikey.”

Gerard pulled Pete in for an embrace, letting out a shaky breath. “Ready?”

Pete nodded, “Yeah.”

The two of them took their respective places on stage, where the lights were off. Gerard took in a deep breath before hearing the shrill beeps of the heart monitor. The crowd, upon recognizing the sound, screamed loudly.

“Now come one, come all, to this tragic affair…”

“Before this last song,” Gerard said as the crowd grew quiet, “I want you all to know this… we love you all so much. You’ve been so supportive since Mikey’s death, and we can’t thank you enough. Thank you so much for all the love you’ve given us.” Gerard sighed softly, trying to keep himself from crying. “And to my baby brother… if you’re watching us, Mikey, we love you. We miss you so much. We hope you really are in a better place, and we hope you’re happy there. This band will never be the same without you here.”

The crowd cheered after Gerard finished speaking Frank pulled Gerard into an embrace, gently rubbing his back. “You okay, man?”

“Yeah… yeah, I’m fine.”

Gerard pulled away, wiping at his eyes. “This last song was Mikey’s favorite. Originally, we had no intention of including it, but we did after Mikey’s death since he was so hell-bent on including it in the album. This song goes out to him.”

As Ray began to play the intro to /Disenchanted,/ the screen in the background lit up with old photos and videos that included Mikey in them. The crowd had pulled out their lighters and cellphones, casting a red and blue glow.

“Well I was there on the day they sold the cause for the queen, and when the lights all went out we watched our lives on the screen. I hate the ending myself, but it started with an alright scene.”

Gerard could feel tears prickle in his eyes. He knew that, before the song ended, he’d be an emotional wreck. It wasn’t anything new, though… as of late, he’d always been an emotional wreck.

He looked back at the screen, where it showed Mikey playing kickball with various other bands at Warped. It brought back memories, both good and bad. In particular, he remembered his addictions, and how he became determined to sober up. Mikey had been there, quietly supporting him without judging him too harshly, always prepared to let Gerard talk to him when Brian wasn’t around.

As the chorus began, memories ran through his head at an unimaginable pace, difficult to concentrate on one memory- Mikey’s first word, his first day at school, moving to Belleville, Mikey’s first day of high school, graduation, art school, and the first song he wrote for My Chemical Romance. He remembered the ups and downs that came with growing up and becoming his own person. Finally, he remembered finding Mikey lying on his bed, nearly dead, with his eyes closed and his breathing far too soft for Gerard’s liking.

Gerard’s voice cracked horribly during the last chorus, but the crowd didn’t seem to mind. Many of them had been reduced to tears. As Gerard finished the song, Frank pulled him in for a gentle embrace, murmuring a few soothing words to the older.

“I miss him so much, Frank,” Gerard whimpered softly.

“I know, Gee… I know,” Frank paused to wipe away a few tears of his own. “I miss him, too. We all miss him.”

Gerard had been in a very good mood. His new comic had been very positively received, the fans have been as supportive as ever in his endeavors, and he and Lindsey had recently married, bringing a sense of happiness he hadn’t felt in a long time. As he stepped into a small mom and pop flower shop, he whistled some catchy tune he had heard on the radio recently.

Gerard found a lovely bouquet of daffodils and bought them, carefully placing them into the passenger seat of his car. He drove a short distance, a good ten minutes or so from the shop, and parked in front of a little sapling in the park. He picked up the bouquet and walked across the street, stopping briefly to glance down at a mother duck and her little ducklings as they crossed the street in the opposite direction. He then proceeded to walk through two iron-clad gates, walking down a white cobblestone path. He walked out into the grass, and about two feet in, stopped. He set the bouquet down before sitting down Indian-style across from a familiar headstone.

“Hi, Mikey,” Gerard said cheerfully, folding his hands and placing them in his lap. “How are you? I’m sorry I haven’t been visiting as much lately… I’ve been busy.” It didn’t seem to bother him in the least that there was no response. “So much has happened since I last visited, Mikey… I’m sorry to say that the band isn’t currently active right now, but I think I’m not quite ready to give up on My Chemical Romance. For now, we’re on hiatus, trying to get into a better state of mind.

“I also got married. I guess you were right when you said that Lindsey might be the one.” Gerard sighed, glancing down at his wedding ring. “She’s really helped me get through the pain, Mikey. I’m so lucky that she loved me enough to marry me. I would’ve thought that, with all this emotional baggage, she would’ve left me long ago. I’m so lucky to have her with me. Speaking of significant others… Alicia has finally moved on. She hasn’t forgotten about you, and I know she still loves you, but even she knew it wasn’t healthy to dwell on the past. She met this really nice guy that happens to be a mutual friend of Lindsey and me, and I guess they really hit it off. The best part is that he knows exactly what she’s going through- his fiancé died of cancer a few years back.

“Remember that comic I was working on? I’ve finally gotten the first issue published. The fans loved it… and even people who had no idea who I was liked it. I feel like you would’ve liked it, too.”

Gerard sighed softly, his smile faltering slightly. “I miss you, Mikey. I’ve been doing better, though. I stayed away from drugs, like you asked, and I’m working on completely abstaining from alcohol altogether. This past year has been difficult, but we’re moving on at our own pace. The grief isn’t as great as it was a year ago, but it still hurts to think about your death. I still think about ways that I could’ve helped you… ways that might’ve saved you.” Gerard wiped at his eyes and smiled sadly. “I love you, Mikey. I’ll see you later, kiddo.”
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