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Disclaimer: Yes, I wrote the Harry Potter books. And yes, I am a super genius in the form of a kid. And yes, I have every bit of merchandise of HP ever sold. And no, I am not on the run from a mental institute. Yes, I have a bit pf a lying problem…fine. I own naught but the plot. Enjoy!

Of Diaries And Humbugs

“POTTER!”
The word rang through the entrance hall like a loud, and to the right ears, satisfying, bell.
“ Looks like she found it,” grinned a handsome boy of 16 sitting at the Griffindor house table. “ I have to say that took longer than I expected.”
The boy sitting next to him looked up from the bacon he was destroying. A girl on the other side of him looked up hopefully. And for good reason. This boy was also 16, and with the cool, confidant looks on his exceptionally good-looking face, it was astonishing that Sirius Black wasn’t looking for a girl friend. Even his voice was filled with confidence as he spoke.
“God Prongs, you just cant leave Evans alone until she says yes to you, can you?” James Potter grinned at his friend.
“ Could you, Padfoot?” “ With a girl like Evens? Nah.” They both were laughing by now, or at least until a very pretty girl about their age came into sight at the doors. The boys shut up. The Marauders never gave away their position, even if they were proud of it.

Lily Evens was a girl with pride and cleverness that almost amounted with her (both inner and outer) splendour, which meant of course that she was exceptionally intelligent. She was rather tall, around head to head with James and Sirius, had startlingly green eyes and gorgeous red hair. Padfoot grinned when he saw her, and grinned even broader when he saw that his friend’s eyes had yet again glazed over, as they often did when he saw her in the morning. But both boy sobered up when Lily put on her best “ I’m-going-to-kill-you-and-still-look-pretty-when-I-do-it” smile with her full, cherry lips. She raised one finger and beckoned them with it. By this time, the boy’s third friend, Remus Lupin, aka Moony, was walking past Lily to get his breakfast. Remus was the calm, more patient Marauder and was ready to join his friends when he realised that they had stood up. Remus did something you call a bewildered “ I’m-still-asleep-so-how-could-the-guys-get-into-trouble-without-me-telling-them-not-to” double take of his friends, looking wearily at Lily Evans who was looking furious at them, and then the whole school (some of which laughing at the looks on all of their faces) who were looking at them. With the exception of the teachers, of course.

“Ok, Potter, where is it?’

“No idea what you’re talking about, Lils. Hey, you looked stressed. Are you sleeping well? It’s that bludger that Crabb got you with last quidditch match, isn’t it? I TOLD you that I could sort that out. My dad did do chiropractic for a while, after all--”
Thanks to a certain “Lils”, Mr Potter could not, regrettably, finish this sentence due to a peppermint-humbug zooming up his left nostril.

“No Potter! You know darn well what I mean!!!!!! If you want that sweet to be removed,” (she added, making a mental note that Potter looked really funny down on the floor with one hand prying open his mysteriously-fast-closing nostril and the other hand going up his nose)
‘Hand over the diary.”

Mr Padfoot decided that his friend could use some backup.
“ Lily, really, do you really think that Jamesie-wamesie here would ever even hallucinate of taking that VERY pretty diary you put on the table at dinner last night that you turned away from for about five seconds? Um, not that,” seeing Lily’s facial expression, “ I paid and attention to it, or anything…”
He put on his best “don’t look at me!” look. Not that this would ever help considering that the majority of the schools’ female population were already paying close attention.
Lily was about to come up with a good retort that might have set him thinking long enough for her to have a clean shot at James when she was interrupted by a slight sound that did not sound unlike a piece of styrofoam against a chalkboard.
James had sized a butterknife off of the floor and had stuck it up his nose in order to clear his airway. Obviously prying away at something in his nose, a black and white lolly became visible. With a slight wave of her wand, the lolly zoomed back up James’s nose going even father in then it was before. He swore and went back to his prying.
Lily turned back to Sirius.

“Okay then…you have no idea where it is?” “No” came a quick answer. Too quick. Lily smiled.
“ And you never read it?’ “ No.” “Do you know everything?” “ Yep.”
“ And How Many pages did you read of it?” “ Eleven.” “ Where is it now?” “Commonrooooooooo.HEY!” “ Right… Thanks.”
Lily walked half way out of the hall, turned on her heel and came back to stand over James.

“Potter?”
“Yes?” came a nasally reply.
“Try pepper.”

James sized the pepper and shoved some up his nose.
“Ah..AH..AAHH……….CHOO!!!” The humbug shot out of his nose with such a gravitational force that Remus was later forced to say that NASA would have been jealous. It zoomed across the table, nearly missing a first year’s ear, shot across the Ravenclaw table to the Slytherin
table hitting Lucius Malfoy in the back of the head, and pushing him straight down to a face full of mashed potatoes. It then ricocheted back to the Ravenclaws hitting a female fifth year innocently eating her kippers. It struck a nerve and the poor dear was knocked unconscious.

“Um, James?’
“Yes, Remus?”
“Nice shot. You just hit my date for this afternoon.”
“LUCIUS MALFOY!!!!??????”
“No. That poor girl.”
“Oops. Sorry.”
“Um, James?”
“Don’t tell me you’re going out with him, Sirius…”
“No, but is there anyway we can shove a metal bat and some pepper up the other beaters nose for the next Quidditch match? I think his aim would be a lot better then…”



Hermione: Wat did u think?
Ron: Good?
Hermione: Bad?
Ron: Gr8?
Hermione: Horrible?
Ron: Best story you’ve ever read in ur life?
Hermione: So badly writing that you momentarily lost your ability to see?

Ron: Why r u always the negative?
Hermione: Nothings perfect, Ronald…
Ron(ald): oh, noooooo but as soon as you get a 9 ½ on Snapes test, it’s the end of the world as we know it…
Hermione: That test was so rigged, it was despicable…
Harry: That’s it. You two shut up, I’M doing it.

Harry James Potter: Please review!




Lily- normal font
Allie- Italics
Cinnamon-Bold
James-Underlined TextI’m dead. Did you hear that? Dead. I wont have to worry about my sister in the Summer holidays anymore. I wont last that long. Good-bye, Allie. Good-bye, Cinnamon. Good-bye MaGonagall. I swear I DID finish that assignment, but potter stole it to copy it…Potter. Him, and his friends. The ones who think they can do anything. The ones who stole my diary. The ones who are going to expose my secret to the whole school……………One more drinki, I thinkiiiii ahhhhhhh….

That’s it lily. No more Firewhisky for you. Give me that bottle…mmmmmmm, yum. So, this is lily’s diary, is it? Why am I asking YOU that. You’re a diary. Although…in hogwarts stranger things have happened…Like this morning for example. I saw lucius malformed…oops, sorry, malfoy, being carried out of the great hall on a stretcher. When I asked Sirius what happened, he just said: “death by humbug, I hope.” Boys are so wired.

Uh huh, I know that’s right. I asked lupin today if he wanted to go to hogsmead this weekend, and he said yes!

Run it by me why that’s weird, Allie?

I wasn’t expecting him to! I thought he was going with Jasmine- you know, that little Ravenclaw who likes fish?

(CM: Hahahahahahahafishy)

How descriptive. The little ravenclaw that likes fish. Oh, I’m so sure I’ll be able to pick HER out in a crowd.

Yeah, you will. Because she’ll smell like fish!
ERRR….run it by me. Why are we talking about fish?

Since when have you been awake? I thought you were drugged out with firewhiskey…

I added water to it, you imbecile. Right, where was I? Oh right, god, I’m dead.

It’s just one assignment, lily. Not the end of the world…

How would you know? Hogwarts could cave into a hole in the ground, and all that would go through your head would be two things. I’ll give you a clue. Neither of them includes trying to dig your way out, or screaming.

What then?

They would be: Hmmm…I wonder if that girl smells like fish? AND oh! Does this mean the house elves wont be serving up sloppy Joes tonight? Bummer.
No actually, the second one would be lily’s dissapointment because then the Marauders wont strike and she wont get to prove her theory that Potter, Black, Pettigrew and Lupin are the Maruders. Do know how hard it would be to get evidence from a hole in the ground? Pretty hard.

URG! DON’T mention those guys. They stole my diary last night and I only just found it. It was open to the page where I had written….you know what…. and, well, NOT GOOD! And anyways, I’d still be able to prove that they ARE the Marauders because the fact is that they would probably be the ones responsible for caving the school in the first place…

You are really obsessed with trying to prove that they were the ones who put a “$ sale” sign on the Astromony tower, huh….

No I’m not. The writer creating this story is.

WHAT!!????!!! Wow, you really are drunk.

Just kidding. But honestly, I SAW Potter and Black with a huge white sign behind the green houses….and for gods sake guys, IT WAS SIGNED “THE MARAUDERS”!!!!!

You say the weirdest things, lily…..

Hehe. I know. But I make up for it in classes. Except Transfiguration. She is so going to kill me when I hand in that essay that has half of it missing. In fact, I should go and work on it now instead of sitting here. Do you think I should? Should I? Should I ? OMG! What if they throw me out! What if I have to go back and live at home with my sister? What if-

Lily. Listen to me.

Don’t listen to Allie! She’s crazy!

And that would be why she needs my advice. I’m the only one who might just be able to follow what goes on in this school, because I really do believe I have a physiological problem that makes me actually in-tune what is actually going on in this school. Like the oth ther day, when Lily spiked Blacks pumkin juice, I just KNEW it was her…

SHHHHHHH!!!!!! Be quiet! Someone could have heard you…

Actually, we’re in no danger if ALLIE says it. No-one pays attention to anything she says anyway.

That’s right. HEY! Ah well, she speaks the truth. Anyways, don’t worry about the diary. We’ll stick by you! And as for the homework, I found the missing pages under an armchair last night. I left them at the foot of your bed this morning, but I think you ran out muttering something about boys and didn’t see them….
Thanks, Allie. Would have liked to have known that BEFORE I started a new copy. Oh man… this one’s better than the original..

Really? Can I see it? I haven’t started mine yet….

Why are we all having this conversation in lily’s diary? We could save a lot of time and ink by just saying it out loud….

Because the writer can’t be bothered to put in all of those quotation marks and starting a new line each time we stop. And it’s more fun.

Again with the whole writer thing….I’m telling you Cinnamon, we should have called St Mungo’s YEARS ago to see in their mental ward was missing someone… and now look. That someone has come to be a friend of ours….

Hey speaking of a ward, how whacked was our divination lesson today? When old Cassy started going on how frank and Alice were going to end up in a mental ward….I’m not surprised she got sacked. In the mean time……NO MORE CRYSTAL BALLS!! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

That’s not very nice. The poor teacher could be packing her bags right now, sobbing her eyes out…

Oh, come off of your prefect horse, Lily. We all know you hate the subject. And she wasn’t upset at all. I heard her muttering on her way out about how many teacups of hers had been broken, and how many people just PRETEND to see things in crystal balls…..HEY!!!!!!!!!!

Uh-oh. She’s onto me……….

POTTER!!!!!

Yes, lily?




Lily walked into the Great Hall and met her friends with the words “No more Diary.”.
She was sick of trying to hide it ffrom people (Namely Potter and Black) and had had enough with feeling like she was going to hurl whenever she found her concealing skills needed a pick-me-up and someone had found her diary (Again, P+B.). She had destroyed it in the common room that morning.
Allie patted her shoulder.
“It was for the best, lils. Hey, are you going to Slytherin’s and Ravenclaw’s match today? We may get lucky and see Malfoy fly into the Astromony tower again!”
“It’s happened before?”
“Er, no, sorry, Allie, that was just a great dream I had once…”
The girls laughed and found seats just a few places down from where Remus, James and Sirius were sitting.
“Oy Potter!” called Cinnamon, ‘What happened to Pettigrew? Did you squash him with your over inflated head or something?
Lily snickered and nudged her friend.
“FYI, Cinnamon,” James replied coolly, “Peter had to go make a complaint to the kitchens. Something about the entrees not having enough cheese, I think.”
“Well, are you going to the match then?
Lily nudged her friend again, this time in annoyance. James swallowed a massive amount of French toast and grinned.
‘Wouldn’t miss the Slytherin’s shame for the world for the world.’
Allie, meanwhile, was watching Sirius eat with a half disgusted, half intrigued look on her face. He seemed to be able to fit three kippers, FOUR sausages, and one huge gulp of porridge all at the same time, and then wash it all down with a swig of pumpkin juice. Remus noticed her cocked eyebrow and tapped his friend on the shoulder.
“Um siri?’
‘Whaaaa?’
‘I think the girls could do without the peepshow. And everyone else, for that matter….’
It was true; people from two tables down looked as though they had been put off their breakfast. Some people had half eaten pieces of toast or spoons of cereal frozen halfway to their mouths and were looking as though they were having second thoughts about their next bite. Sirius gave another huge swallow accompanied by a large belch loud enough to be heard in Australia.
“Peepshow? I love peepshows!” He grinned devilishly and winked at a couple of girls who had overheard him. Lily, Cinnamon and Allie looked at eachother and rolled their eyes. Sirius was going on about all the shows he had seen adding in all the details and earning an envious nod from guys listening in the vicinity. Without warning, Professor Mcgonagall appeared behind him, so swiftly that if Lily had not read “Hogwarts, A History” she would have sworn that she had apparated there. Sirius rattled on and on about his experiences until he finally caught on to why his friends were making execution signs and were feigning throttling each other. He turned around slowly to see an un-impressed looking teacher behind him.
“Mr lack.”
“Yes, professor?”
“ What, may I ask, were you so happily sharing a few seconds ago? I’m sure that everyone on the OTHER SIDE OF THIS HALL WOULD BE HAPPY FOR YOU TO CONTINUE!!!”
“Now, professor, I’m sure I wasn’t being that loud, was I?”
“Perhaps not, Black, but your detail makes up for it…” Added Malfoy in a loud stage whisper, making the Slytherin table snicker. The professor ignored him.
“Well, Black?”
“Um…”
“Whatever were you talking about?’
“Er….my last private lesson with professor Sinstera?”

***

Lily and her friends walked from the great hall after breakfast was over, shaking their heads. Sirius, James and Remus followed suit.
“Detention! And for what? All I was doing was re-telling some of my history. And my knowledge, for that matter.”
“Your rare knowledge, that is.” Chuckled Remus.
“Exactly. When something actually sticks in my head for a change, I should be able to express it. It’s really not fair, is it?”
Lily whirled around, much to the surprise of her friends.
“well, I think you deserve it, Black, for being such a pervert in the first place. Do you really think that you would have gotten detention if you hadn’t gone and tried to impress-“
“Now hang on for a minute, lils,” Interrupted Sirius, “I’m in no way a perv, I just happen to appreciate girls a little more than most other guys, is all!”
Lily sneered.
“Yeah, that’s it…”
“Yeah, it is!”
“Huh. THAT’S funny. Aren’t you the same guy who took two, oh wait, three, or was it four girls to the Christmas ball last year?”
“Why, Lily, I’m flattered, I never knew how much attention you payed to my love life.”
“YOU-!”
“Yelling in the entrance hall, Evans? Detention.”
The two groups spun around to see a very smug looking Malfoy sauntering away. Lily slapped her hand to her face and groaned.
“Got any mint humbugs?” Whispered to Remus, eyeing his retreating form. Remus glared at him.
“Why Dumbledore gave that point nosed git a prefects badge in the first place, I’ll never know. C’mon, girls.’
The girls left the hall and made their way down to the Quidditch pitch with the boys flowing them, this time putting a little more distance between the two groups.


Needless to say, Slytherin got thrashed my Ravenclaw, putting Griffindore in 2nd place on the ladder, and Lucius Malfoy was booked into the hospital wing. He has thrown a tantrum at the end of the game and had kicked the game ball case, releasing the bludger and allowing them to pummel him to a pulp. However, he was booked in with a sore toe from when he kicked the case…and that as all the nurse treated him for.


That night, instead of celebrating, Sirius and Lily reported to their head of house’s office to receive their detentions. Much to their horror, (Well, Lily’s horror.)
They were told that they were to serve their detentions together.
“But, professor!”
“No buts, Evans, you and Mr Black will be cleaning the girls bathroom on the second floor.”
“But Professor, that bathroom is always empty. No-one uses it!”
“And how would you know that, Mr Black?”
“I, um…well…. err…”
“We have had a complaint from a resident of hogwarts that it hasn’t been cleaned recently.”
A Hight pitched giggle arose from the sink in Mcgonagall’s Office. Lily and Sirius looked at each other, eyes narrowed, and said one word in unison.
“Myrtle.”

20 minutes later, Sirius was cleaning out a toilet, and lily was scrubbing the floor. The pair were already completely dirty.
“Lily?”

“What is it, Black?’

“What time is it?”

“Um…nine.”

“Oh. When did she say we could leave?”

“At one, or until its all clean.”

“Lily?”

“What?”

“Did she say we could use magic?”

“No magic.”

“ How would she be able to tell?”

Lily stopped. How indeed…unless she put a magic detector on the room, there was no well to tell the difference if it was a less than perfect spell, and she could just get Black to do that….they could get off scot free……Lily shook those thoughts from her head.
“No, Black, we stick to the programme.” Besides, even if there wasn’t a detector on the room, there was no way that the teachers would believe that they had cleaned an entire bathroom in just twenty minutes.

“Lily?’

“WHAT?”

“Um, never mind.”

(sigh) “What is it, Black?”

“What’s this? It was beside the toilet…”

“Oh, so you just go pick it up then…” Lily trailed off mid sentence. Sirius had come out of the toilet holing a tampon by it’s string. Lily held the crazy laughter that was threatening to come out of her in her chest.

“You better hope that that hasn’t been used, Black…”

“But Lily, what is it?”

“Really, Black, you’ll be happier not knowing.”

“Is it one of those stupid girl things, like thongs? As far as I can tell, all they do is give you a really bad wedgie.”

“Black, are you telling me that you’ve worn a thong before?”

“Heh. Well, you see, there was one in there, and I..”

“Oh, gross.”

“OMG!!!”

“What?!?!?”

“This thing has a name tag, Lils.”

“Um, really.”

“Lily.”

“What?”

“ It says ‘Narcissa Black’”

“OMG!”

“I know. It’s weird.”

“DUH!! GET IT OFF!!”

“Why?”

“You said it yourself, Black! It’s weird to wear your cousins underwear!”
“No, that’s not what I thought was weird…”

“Huh?”

“I didn’t know her butt was so big...”


****


After laughing themselves silly, the pair got to work again, talking as they cleaned.

“Lily?’

“Yep?”

“Did you know that James was captain as the griffindore quidditch team?”

“Yes, Black, as a matter of fact I did.”

“Really?’

“Really really.”

“Oh. Why don’t you ever cheer for him?”

“I cheer all the time, Black.”

“Yes, but never for him. Even when he catches the snitch. I’ve never heard you say ‘Go James!’ or ‘Way to go, James!’ or even a ‘Way to crash into the grand stand, James!’”

“Really?”

“Really really.”

“Oh. Well, I’ll be sure to do that next time, eh?”

“He’d like that.”

“Mmmmm.”

“You know what else he’d like?”

“No.”

“If you would tell him that the next Hogsmead weekend is coming up soon...”

“Where are you taking this, Black?”

“Well…say that you were to go with him…”

“You’re treading on thin ice here, Black.”

“Lily.”

“Yes?’

“My name is Sirius. You wont die of humiliation if you call me by my first name, you know.”

“Stop bugging me about Potter, and I may consider it, Sir…”

“Yesssss?”

“Sir…”

“Keep going, keep going…”

(Sigh) “Ok. Ok……Sirius.”

“Give the girl a prize.”

“Sorry, bla-Sirius, but I’m sort of hyper rived to hate you.”

“Why?”

“Well, you always steal my diary, you prank me constantly, you..”

“You are the most annoying person I know and I want you to die again.”

“No, I wouldn’t say that! Wait…again?”

“I was talking to myrtle.”
Myrtle had stolen the cleaning liquid and was dangling it over a swearing Sirius’s head.

“Jump higher, Siri!”

“Myrtle, I swear, give it back or I’ll get filches vacuum and suck you into obliviation!”

‘Really, I will. Accio vacuum!”

Myrtle drooped the cleaner and whizzed back down the u-bend with a “Plop!”. Sirius looked at Lily and shook his head, then started as they both heard a scream.





Lily and Sirius hurtled out of the bathroom to see a vacuum cleaner whizzing towards them. It appeared to have knocked a little second year out on its way to answer Sirius’s summoning charm, hence explaining the scream. Lily looked at Sirius in a very exasperated way, and Sirius shrugged as if to say “What?” It came to a stop at his feet, almost expectantly. He lifted it up and brought it inside.

“Well, THIS should make everything a little easier.” He looked around. “Where’s the outlet?”

Lily rolled her eyes. “Somehow, Sirius,” she stopped to show that she remembered to use his first name, “I seriously doubt (Pun completely intended…) that an almost 1000 year old castle would have electricity.”

Sirius rolled his eyes at her pun. He went back to work on the cubicle he had been cleanng.“Never heard that one before. But how would Filch use it then? Batteries?”

“How do you even know about electricity and batteries in the first place, Black? Or have you been fooling us all this time about being pureblood, and you’re actually muggle born?”

He grimaced. “Same way I know how to scrub floor, or clean out a toilet. Believe ti or not, I wasn’t exactly the most wanted or liked child in my house hold. I did the chores. I swear, our house elf never does anything.”

‘Ah. Um, Sirius?”

“Yeppers?”

“ Have you taken off your cousins underwear yet?”

“Um, no. I really should do that, huh?”

“Yeah. You really should.”

“What kind do you have on?”

“I beg you pardon?”

“Underwear. Duh.”

“I, erm, well, er….”

“James usually has Pirate ones. Totally cool. And Remus has pink poka dots- very cute, if you go for that sort of thing. Peter has Bannana’s in Pyjamas…rat-in-the-hat is his idol…..” Sirius winked at her. “I go more for a closer to home approach. I just buy plain white ones and steam images on it. Usually ones of me. It just sort of personalises it, don’t cha think?”



Lily was in total shock by now. “Sirius, I really don’t know what possessed you to tell me that, but…wait. Pink poka dots? No way.”

“Way.”

“Oh, I have gotta see that….um, are you sure that you want to know mine?”

“Yep.”

“Um, ok…black victoria’s secret laced boylegs.”

Lily. Woah.

“HOLY GODDESS!”

“Yeah….but polka dots, THAT is a must see.”

“Maybe you can….”

“What do you mean?’

“Well, say that you were to give me a pair of your under pants…”

“BLACK YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR MIND!!! EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EWWWEEEEE!!”

“Would you let me finish?”

“Go for it.”

“Ok, say that you did that, and” he shot her a warning look when she was about to interrupt again, “and I can swap them for a pair of Reemies. He’ll never notice. I don’t think so, anyways….”

Lily looked thoughtful. She wanted proof that there actually were that kind of undies in the boy’s dorms, but giving the boys evidence of hers existed would be giving them a chance to take the mickey out of her. On the other hand…with the polka dots she could defend herself….Lily had to shake those thoughts out of her head for the second time that night. What was wrong with her? It was like some reble part of her was trying to take over her brain…and it was winning against her common sense.

“Alright, Black, you have yourself a deal.”

“Fantastic. James Birthday is coming up…You just made his year, Evans.”

“YOU..”
“Is everything alright in here?”

Professor McGonagall was standing in the doorway. After securing their promises that yes, everything was okay, she looked around.

“Well, it certainly looks better in here. Good work, Evans, Black, you may now return to your dormitories.”

Lily grinned and Sirius dropped his toilet brush. Together they left the bathroom and started walking in the direction of their dorms. On the way there, the two were completely silent, only shooting awkward glances at each other every now and again. When they reached the portrait hole, Lily turned to him and asked: “When do you want to do the swap over?”

Sirius thought for a second and replied, “Tomorrow, after last class. We both have herbology, and behind the green houses would be the perfect place; no-one would see us.” The fake pot plant beside the portrait rustled. Sirius looked at it oddly. Lily ignored this and nodded her head in brisk consent- a very business like way of agreeing to such a thing as swapping underwear.

“Goodnight, Sirius.”

“Sleep well, lils.”

She smiled, gave the fat lady the pass word, “Mouldy Voldy”, and slipped inside the common room. As soon as she was inside, Sirius turned to the pot plant and instantly regretted it, for he felt something hard a train collide with the side of his face. Stars and little birds flittered around his head for a second, until he shook himself and realised he had just been punched. Holding one side of his face tenderly, he swung around wildly with his other hand until he grasped at a material- like substance that didn’t seem to be there at all. He pulled at it and an invisibility cloak came off in his hand, revealing an irate James Potter.

“You Slytherin- blooded back stabber! Why would you do this to me, huh? Why!?!?!?”

It took Sirius a minute to recover from his shock of finding James there. He knew al about the cloak, having used it so many times, but he couldn’t bring himself to realise that James had actually punched him. Then, figuring out the situation, he grinned.

“Nice right hooker, James. But I haven’t done anything that you think I have, mate.”

“I heard you! Behind the green houses? What exactly are you playing at, mate?”

Sirius laughed again and grabbed him into a bear hug that chocked James. “That was for marring me face, mate. And I’m just doing you a favour, if you really must know.”

James gasped until Sirius let go of him. “What do ya mean?”

Sirius grinned and shook his head. “James, James, James. You know I would never go after a girl you wanted. I’ve just made a little deal with Lily that might just indure you happiness, man.”

James looked a little ashen faced and very, very, sorry. “Hey, look, im very, very sorry about that punch mate, it’s just, you know,” He let out a small sigh of exasperation. “You know how I feel about her. And how she hates me. And how I want to throttle every guy who asks her out…” James shrugged, looking down at the invisibility cloak in his friends hand.

Sirius looked at it, too. “Ok, Mate, listen. I’ll forgive you about the punch if you help me with an extremely important operation of mine.”

James snorted. “What, operation get FIVE girls to go with you to this years Christmas ball?”

“No, that’s next week. This week is operation nick a pair of Moony’s undies.”

James scratched the back of his head and frowned, confused. “Huh. I didn’t know bent that way, mate…” He looked rather alarmed.

Sirius roared with laughter. ‘Nah, I don’t.” He explained the whole deal with Lily to James, and when he finished talking James looked as though his birthday, Christmas, Easter and sort of Halloween had all been rolled into one and served up to him on a silver platter.

“Son of a sith, Siri, I can’t believe you got her to agree to that! Can I keep them?”

“That’s sort of the whole idea, James. After we’re finished with them.”

“Finished with them?”

“Yeah….I’m sorry, James, but quite frankly, some of our pranks are getting old. Unscrewing chandeliers? Peeves already had that one. Gluing door together? Lame-o. Spiking pumpkin juice? That’s why every student know has a hip flask. But with that underwear, we could start something so new, hip and funny as all get out, we could start a fashion. A fashion for all pranksters everywhere. That fashion…of underwear flags.”

“Underwear flags.’

“Yep.”

“You’re mental.”

“Sure am.”

“I’m in”

“That’s m’boy.”






Lily sat in front of the Common Room fire the following morning and sighed. Staring into the flames, she pondered all of the strange events (well, strange in normal standards anyways) that had taken place lately. She cast her mind over Sirius, and her large dilemma with him…On one hand, she really wanted to see if Remus’ underwear were, indeed, ever so spotty. And girly. It would make her year…and pretty much every one one her friends years, too.

On the other hand, what if her plan backfired? Or rather, Blackfired? If she actually handed over her personal garments to Sirius, she could be made into the laughing stock of the entire school. Not to mention that her personal item would not be that personal anymore- Lily wouldn’t put it past black to hang her knickers above the fireplace, or magically enlarge them and wave them from the Astronomy Tower, or, Merlin forbid, hand them from the chandelier in the entrance hall. Lily shivered as she weighed the possibility of that. It was probably 50/50…

She groaned and rubbed her forehead. It had occurred to her last night as she was getting ready for bed that her thoughts had been over-riding her actions lately, and that she needed somewhere to store them. A pensive would do the trick, but those were so expensive and one couldn’t carry them around without attracting strange stares and whispers of insanity. As much as she hated to admit it, what she needed was a diary. That’s why she had kept one in the first place…Petunia (Her older sister) had been terrible in the last holidays and Lily had needed to talk to someone, anyone, without being treated differently. Even if that person didn’t talk back. But how to start over? Her last attempts at a diary had been disastrous, and had been discovered by who she suspected to be the Marauders….She groaned again. That was another thing she had needed to think about…how was she to prove that she had discovered Marauders? She had figured it out when black had brilliantly signed his actual name at the bottom of a crime scene back in 2nd year…what a bloody genius he was, even as a youngster…

Lily heard a small “Ahem” and was startled out of her trance. She looked up, and saw Remus Lupin taking the seat opposite her. It was all she could do not to blush, after wondering whether or not she should accept a pair of his underwear.

Remus smiled.

“You alright there, Lily?”

She frowned. “Why wouldn’t I be alright?”

A small chuckle on his behalf. “Because you’ve been staring into that fire for over an hour, occasionally groaning or looking like you have a hell of a migraine, and, just in case you weren’t aware, 15 people have all pasted you in the last half hour and said hello, and you didn’t acknowledge them. I dunno about you, but that doesn’t seem alright to me!” He winked

Lily was surprised. She hadn’t realised that she had been sitting there for that long…perhaps all of that thinking had given her a brain overload and she had completely spaced out. She thought for a second, giving his words a chance to sink in. She cocked an eyebrow.

“And what, may I ask, were you doing watching me for an entire hour?’

Remus unexpectedly blushed. “I, um, well, I rather, erm…..”

“That,” Lily smirked, “Is NOT an answer, Lupin.”.

He gulped. “Well, you see, James and Sirius needed to go off and ‘do something’, and I guess they didn’t want you somehow finding them and interrupting. I was supposed to keep you here in the common room at all costs for about two hours.’ He gave her a supremely guilty look. “And I wasn’t supposed to tell you that I was assigned to you.”

She giggled. “And I’ll bet you weren’t supposed to interrupt my thinking, either…I could have sat here for another hour, easy.”

He nodded, looking as though he had something sour in his mouth.

Lily relaxed and smiled. “Your’e the worst secret agent ever.”

Remus’s expression relaxed considerably and he smiled back at her.
He looked around them for a second and chuckled. “Not As bad as Peter, though. You have to give me credit for not falling asleep five minutes into the job.”

Lily looked around and spotted Peter Pettigrew kneeling, asleep, behind a radiator 10 feet away. Lily joined in on her companions laughter, nodding, and grinned at him. Then she stopped, worried.

“But you’re still a pretty bad one. Now I’m all worried about Potter and Black hanging Snivell- I mean, Snape, upside-down.”
Remus’s lips gave a small twitch upwards as he intercepted her small slip, but let it pass. Lily smiled at him again, grateful. None of his friends would have let her get away with that without a large mouth off.

She sighed softly. ‘So, if Peter’s asleep, James and Sirius are doing Merlin knows what, and I know that you don’t have any homework, what are you doing inside? I’m sure it’s a beautiful day outside-“

“But not as beautiful as the site before me, I’m sure.”

Lily blushed and extraordinary red and Remus was amazed that her ears didn’t burn off. He was also slightly embarrassed himself; he rarely ever showed any attention to girls in such a way. He gave a silent sigh of relief as she cooled down and changed the topic.

“So, um…what Quidditch team do you follow?”

Remus grinned. “Well, there’s Griffindor, but other than that I prefer to keep to my studies.”

Lily shook her head. ‘Why do I have a feeling that you would never admit that to any male in Hogwarts? Like, EVER?”

He nodded. “I’ll tell you a little secret, lils.” She gracefully ignored the use of her own nickname in exchange for Snapes. “Boys will be boys for boys. Sounds simple, but really, if you give them a chance, they might surprise you. Now, you might smirk now,” For Lily was indeed smirking, “But even someone like Sirius has interests other than girls! And James might even have something other than sport and popularity on his mind.”

He looked at Lily very pointedly as he said this and she blushed yet again.

“Look, I don’t ever want to seem mean or chaste to anyone, but Potter’s probably not really my type. And I don’t really have time for a boyfriend anyways, and it’s probably better that we weren’t together anyways…his fans could get jealous and that would probably put my life in danger, and…”

“And all I’m hearing is a whole lot of ‘probably’ and a whole lot of nothing on WHY you actually think this way. It seems to me that your’e simply pushing this issue to the back of your mind, and refusing to give it any thought at all. James might be a jerk sometimes, but that’s just included in the whole ‘boys will be boys’ idea, Lily! And if he’s never a jerk to you, why would you assume that he’s not your type?”

“Because I’ve seen him be a jerk to other people!”

“Have you not noticed, Lil’s? Have you not noticed that he doesn’t treat you like other people?”

Lily had to blush at this, and she gave a sigh of defeat.

“I’ve noticed, but I don’t want it! Potter needs someone to be his trophy girl, someone who will go to every quidditch match just to see her hero fly, someone who will laugh when he’s annoying or sympathize when he gets in trouble….someone….someone…not like me. I’m not that girl, Remus. And I doubt if I ever will be…”

Remus looked at her oddly for a second, then looked frustrated.

“He’s not asking you to be that girl! He’s asking to be a normal person that doesn’t have anything personal against him, just because he happens to treat you differently. And in a good way, I might add.”

“Well then, how do you know I’m not asking HIM to be a normal person, not some twit who bullies like he’s a 6 year old, and, quite frankly, Im not sure if he’s ready to be that person. So why should I be HIS kind of person?”

Remus sighed and shook his head slightly. Then he looked up.

‘All I know, lils, Is that one day, one of you is going to change, hopefully for the better, and that you’re going to realise that you two have more in common than you thought you did.” He smiled at her, making her slightly sheepish, and then got up and strolled away. Lily watched him go and then looked back into the fire, frustrated. It was like everyone thought that she and Potter were perfect together, like it was destiny that she would be forced into a comfy situation with him. To her utter horror, a sudden image popped into her head of herself dressed in white, walking slowly down the isle towards a smirking James Potter….

She gave herself a sever shake, hating her mind for betraying her with scarring images, and then looked up at the clock. Her jaw dropped. She had been sitting there for Three hours! A small ‘Click…” went off in her mind….she hated to think what Potter and black were getting up to at the moment…or maybe what they had already done….

Lily gasped. Remus Lupin had kept her sitting here for three hours, giving J&S enough time to get away with their secret activity. She groaned softy and slapped her hand to her face. Remus was the best secret agent ever…










“Prongs?”

“Yessir?”

“What in the name of Merlin’s Saggy Y front is this?”

Sirius was holding up a small sign he had found under Lily’s bad. Needless to say, they were ransacking Lily’s dorm, on the hunt for underwear. Sirius was holding up the sign backwards, reading the front.

James studied it.

“It looks like that sign that Cin was holding up at the Quidditch game, Padfoot. What does it say?”

Sirius started laughing hysterically.

“Well, no wonder Lily confiscated it!”

He turned it around and wiggled his eyebrows. It read: “SAVE A BROOMSTICK, RIDE A WIZARD!”

The guys rolled on the floor laughing for a minute, but stopped abruptly when they heard someone coming up the stairs. They went past the dorm, but the boys both shared a look that clearly said that that had been too close for comfort. They went back to work.

“Hey, cool! James, check it out! Cin has a blown up picture of me above her bed! Ooh-la la…..”

James laughed and shook his head.

“C’mon, no horsing around. Have you tried those drawers?”

“Yeah, all they have is socks.”

“How about those ones?”

“Just folders and stuff.”

“Under the wardrobe?’

“Dust bunnies and hay fever, my friend.”

“And over there?”

“Just some nudie mags. Don’t worry, I already checked, we have all of them. We don’t need them.”

“Damn! Wait, what do you mean we already have them? This is a girls dorm. Unless- oh my GOD!”

“My god too. But we DO have them.”

“Gross.”

“Nothin’ grosser.”

“This coming from a guy who drinks out of the toilet.”

“Touche. But the girls still love me, so maybe the toilet water does something for my breath.”

“Urgh. Whatever.”

“Hey, ya know what they say! Once you go Black, you NEVER go back.”

James looked at him, shaking his head.

“Ya know, I’m starting to think that she’s gone and flushed her knickers down the toilet. Either that, or Malfoy’s already beat us to the chase.”

“Urgh…those poor Vicky Secrets……”

“Now now, don’t get distracted. Think: Underwear. Underwear.”

“Underwear, underwear…” Sirius repeated. “Now, if I were a girl’s underwear, where would I be?”

“Under there!”

“Oh, no way. You want me to reply under where, and you’re going to laugh at me…and…oh shintucky. I already said it.”

“No, look, it’s under there!”

James was pointing at the space under Allie’s bed. The two got down on their stomaches to check it out. Sirius whistled.

Under the bed were about 50 pairs of underwear, all of the labelled with their owner’s names. They were displayed in rows, ad sorted by colour, fabric and type. James pointed at a pain labelled “Allie” that were black ribboned boylegs…with Winnie The Pooh printed on them. Sirius silently nodded at a pair of Lily’s that were entirely pink lace and that were totally see-through. The boys looked at each other, and instantly started to grab all the underwear and stuff them into the bags that they brought.

“Well well, I wonder if ALL Griffindor girls have underwear cults under their beds!” Sirius’ gleeful grin looked as though it were to split his face in two. James warned him of this, and the smile decreased just a bit. After all, his face was precious to him. Then he grinned.

“It’s time like these that I pity Voldemort.”

“WHAT?”

“Yeah. I mean, he would never get to see a sight like this.”

“How do you know? He might have.”

“James, does he seem to be the type that’s had a girlfriend before? Like, ever?”

“Good point…”

They looked down at their loot bags. Sirius frowned.

“How are we going to get these out without looking conspicuous?”

James also frowned. He hadn’t though of that. His eyes fell on the contents of a drawer they had ripped out. He picked up some black pantyhose and pulled it over his head. He turned to face Sirius, looking for all the world like a bank robber, and extremely conspicuous.

Sirius looked him over. Deciding that he looked so much like a tool that he didn’t have the heart to stop him, he grinned enthusiastically. After all, he hadn’t stopped him when he went around licking toads, or putting glue on Madam Hooch’s broom, so why would he stop him now?

“Perfect!”

He grabbed some hose, pulled it over his head, and the two of the ran like idiots down the staircase. Two small second years were a bit startled when they saw them, but then later decided that seeing them was simply and aftermath of eating the experiment labelled “P,L,P&B” in the greenhouse. They reported this, and after intensive study the experiment was found to be hallucinogenic mushrooms. Remus Lupin, Prefect, was put onto the case. He had no luck whatsoever.