AD Fanfic: The Great KlausbyAmerican Dad!
The Great Klausby
by: Trenton Sands
Opening Credits Scene:
Roger's Disguise: Ruby Zeldastein
One afternoon at the Smith house, Klaus was longing to buy a lottery ticket. Klaus longed to get away from the family that abused him so much. So, he decides to ask Francine to drive him to the store. Francine is feeling sad that Stan is on a mission in Africa. It's his last day there.
Klaus: Francine. While you're waiting for Stan to come back, why not take me to the store?
Francine: Why do you want to do there for?
Klaus: Buy a lottery ticket.
Francine: NO! That's a very (beeping) stupid dumbass and pointless thing to do! You can't cash it anyway, you're a fish! Who's going to want to give money to a fish? Buying a lottery ticket for a goldfish! They'll laugh at me!
Klaus: Come on, Francine! If you stick your naughty little finger in mein bowl, I'll make it worth your while....
Francine (slaps Klaus): Stop THAT! I am not going to allow you to try to seduce me. (walks away sobbing) Oh, Stan! Please come back!
Roger (walks in Kitchen): Hey, Frannie! Here's a song for you!
Klaus walks off and Roger plays a Paul Young CD in the kitchen. The song "Come Back and Stay" plays.
Francine: Oh, Roger! That's me and Stan's song! (sobbing)
Roger: Does this mean you like me better than Klaus?
Francine: Get out!
Then Roger walks away and takes the radio with him and he goes into the direction of Steve's room. He runs into Klaus.
Klaus: What's with Francine?
Roger: You'll have to excuse her. Never bother her when she's overhelmed with Stan being gone.
Klaus: But Stan's coming back today!
Roger: I know. I know. I'm going to go pick on Steve....
Klaus runs into Hayley.
Hayley: Klaus. You look like you want something.
Klaus: Hey, Hayley. You like helping animals, right?
Hayley: It's one of my favorite causes, and many monkiers, why?
Klaus: Would you drive me to the store and get a lottery ticket for me?
Hayley: If you really want me to. Don't know if I should because you're giving into the government if you do buy one....Besides, you'll just make those captialist pigs even richer! Then they'll take advantage of you. And there's been a lot of horror stories about what happens to people who do win the lottery.....it's not a walk in the park!
Klaus: You'd be doing a good part for the ASPCA if you do....
Hayley (rolls eyes) Fine, let's do it!
Klaus: Really? You want to have sex with me?
Hayley: No! Not in that way! I'm taking you to the store.
Klaus is estatic as Hayley carried him in his bowl and takes him into her car.
Hayley is driving Klaus to the convience store. Klaus is trying to make conversation with her.
Klaus: Zo! This has been a tough year for you.....
Hayley: What the hell are you getting at?
Klaus: You have no job, you still live at home, you lost two boyfriends at once! First your husband Jeff, and then that one you dated when Francine's sex drive ghost was haunting the house and I was away at Altantic City....what was his name?
Hayley: None of your (beep) business! Okay we're here. Get your ticket!
Klaus walks out of the car and buys his lottery ticket and goes back into the car and Hayley drives him home. Once Klaus is home, he's alone in Roger's attic and uses a coin to scratch off the silver linings on the ticket. He scratched off 2 apples so far. Meanwhile, Roger is telling Steve a false rumor while he's doing his homework.
Roger: Hey, Steve. Since Stan's been in Africa, he has HIV now.
Steve (worried): Really? HIV? How did he get it?
Roger: He got bit by a Green Monkey! (laughs)
Steve (crying): NNNOOO!!! NNNNOOOO!!!! Don't let it be true! (runs off)
Klaus (scratching off lining): Oh, mein god! Son a bitch! All three apples! YES!! YES!! I'M A MILLIONAIRE!
Everyone is hearing Klaus scream in victory, then Stan comes back from Africa.
Klaus (runs around the house): I'M A MILLIONARE! I'M A MILLIONAIRE! I'M A MILLIONARE! I'M A MILLIONARE! I'M A MILLIONARE! I'M A MILLIONARE!
Stan: Is Gilligan in this house?
Francine (runs up to Stan and hugs him): STAN!
Stan: Francine! My love! So what's this I hear about Klaus being a millionaire?
Klaus (holds ticket): It's true! I won the lottery bitches!
Stan: Wow! Congrats!
Hayley: I tried to talk him out of it...
Steve (crying): Is it true you have HIV from a Green Monkey?
Stan: No, of course not! Just because I got back from Africa it means I have AIDS? I'd shoot those assholes first before that can bite me!
Steve: WHEW! That's a relief!
Roger: I told him that joke!
Stan: So, what are you going to do with your millions, Klaus?
Roger: Feel empty eventually and have to resort to doing Molly? Meth in a pill form, BTW.
Steve: Do you have to be so morbid?
Hayley: Give some to charity!
Steve: Give me some so I can impress girls!
Klaus: I'm not giving you any of mein money! I'm going to buy a house in the Hamptons!
And with that, the Smith family helps Klaus to move to The Hamptons.
At The Hamptons, Klaus is enjoying his posh rich lifestyle. Stan, Francine, and Roger help him move in. Klaus has everything from a fountain, bay window that overlooks the beach, leather furniture, HDTV, Blue Ray player, closets, and a golden bed.
Roger: Cool! A golden bed! Like Steve Carrell had in The Incredible Burt Wonderstone! (gasps) An HDTV! You can watch Debbie Does Dallas or Deep Thoat on this thing!
Klaus: Yes indeed! I also intend to imurse meinself into the Hamptons culture!
Stan: You went from bad beginning to riches! Like Leonardo DiCapprio in The Great Gatsby!
Klaus: That's what inspired me!
Francine: Wow! you have a bay window, nice furniture, and a walk in closet! So much space here. Well, we're going to miss you, Klaus. Hope you have a good life.
Klaus: I will! All I did to get all this was buy out a whole Rooms To Go store!
Roger: Don't be surprised if you're broke in two weeks! If that happens you'll be in foreclosure, police will break into your house, take everything from you! Then you'll be out prostituting yourself, fighting off cops, drinking in a dumpster and all that good stuff! (laughs) Happened to Heidi and Spencer!
Stan: Well, goodbye Klaus! It's been a wild ride.
Francine: It's always sad to say goodbye to a family member. (cries)
Klaus: Goodbye! Take care!
Stan, Francine, and Roger leave Klaus behind. Then a butler named Geeves comes to him.
Geeves: What can I get for you, sir?
Klaus: Some wine would be good! Find out if there's a party tonight.
Geeves: Very well, sir.
Klaus waits as Geeves comes back with his wine in a goblet.
Geeves: I found out that there's a party tonight at the ballroom. Want me to take you there on a helocopter, sir?
Klaus: Helocopter! I have a helocopter! You bet your sweet wrinkled ass you can take me there!
Geeves readies the helocopter as Klaus gets ready for his first party in The Hamptons.
Scenes 4-6Scene 4:
That very night, Klaus is at the posh and swanky party. Everyone is standing around and mingling. Klaus is bored and wants to liven things up. Classical music is being played as there was a fountain of chapagne, a disco ball, tables, and slow dancing going around. Men were wearing tuxedos and women were wearing evening gowns.
Klaus: Awww, man! This is like a boring Oscar party! Where's the action?
Rich Man 1: Do you consider investing?
Rich Man 2: I use Rosland Captial for my gold.
Rich Woman 1: I'm working on my stock portfolio.
Rich Woman 2: You should try a 401k!
Then Klaus decides to spice things up.
Klaus (goes to microphone): Hooray for the Hamptons! Wooooo!
All the rich people were looking at him in awe.
Klaus: C'mon! Just because you're rich, doesn't mean you have to be classy! Let's all renact that school dance from Grease! Let's do what Prince did, and Let's Go Crazy!
The rich people still stared.
Klaus: Okay, no problem! I know! How about some jokes? What about that Miley Cyrus, eh? Wasn't it hilarious when she 'twerked' Robin Thicke?.....Why don't you all twerk?.....Not only that, Katie Holmes did the same with Jamie Foxx at a party just like this one to the same song! (laughs) There's something about 'Blurred Lines' that brings out the nymphomaniac in everyone!
The rich people were all clamouring in anger.
Klaus: Fine.....fine.....ja.....goot! Getting some responses! Anyone here know that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West had their baby? You'll never believe what they named it? North West! HA! HA! North West! HA! HA! Is she going to hate her parents or what?
A rich person comes up to Klaus.
Rich Man 4: You know, I don't think your kind belongs here?
Klaus: What? I was just living things up...
Rich Man 4: We are NOT those kind of people. We don't have any of those rowdy parties.
Klaus: Please don't kick me out! I'll do better and change! I'm nouveau riche! I'll be as snobby as you are in time.....
Rich Man 4: That term is not used anymore. (picks up Klaus's bowl) Here's a better party for your jokes and vulgar antics.
The Rich Man puts Klaus in a room full of men dancing to techno pop music and dancing in powdered wigs.
Klaus: Is this a rave?
Man 1: You bet it is!
Then the men in powdered wigs pick up Klaus and party with him.
Klaus: WOW! You people are fun! Now this is living the high life! Steve Winwood is full of (beep)
Man 2 (laughing): That's funny! Tell us some celebrity jokes!
Klaus: I'll be happy to!
A week later after Klaus won the lottery. The Smith family was having dinner wondering how he was doing.
Francine: Wonder how Klaus is doing?
Stan: Maybe be spent all his money on a U Boat!
Roger: Wouldn't put that past him.
Hayley: Hopefully he'll realize just how evil money is and how it can corrupt people.
Francine: You'd eat crow about that if you were rich. If you had that money, you'd be partying and smoking coke.
The phone rings. Steve goes to get the phone.
Steve: That could be Snot. (answers phone) Hello? Yes? Who is this? Klaus? What happened? Don't worry we'll be over right away!
Hayley: What happened to Klaus?
Steve: He's been robbed! He lost everything!
Stan: What?! Great! I have to come to his rescue now.
Francine: He should come back to us soon.
Roger: Looks like he going to.
Stan, Francine, Hayley, Steve, and Roger all go to The Hamptons and see the disaster Klaus is in.
Francine: You poor thing. What happened?
Roger: HA! I knew it wouldn't last! Did the Taxman get you?
Francine: Stop it Roger!
Klaus (sobbing): I thought I was set for life! Never had to worry about taxes or bills ever! I was partying with these people who had powdered wigs and then I got drunk.....
Stan: Yes go on....
Klaus: I passed out for a week and when I woke up, everything I had was gone! (sobbing)
Hayley: See what happens when you get involved with money, Klaus?
Klaus: Why did you let me get a ticket?
Hayley: Thought you wanted to. Just wanted you to expirence it for youself!
Klaus: I learned my lesson I have...
Stan: Don't worry Klaus! We'll search for clues!
Roger: Wait a minute.....You were with a party with men in powdered wigs? Dude! You partied with gays!
Klaus: WHHAAATT?!??!!? GAYS?! I thought they were fun people!
Stan: Afraid they were gays, Klaus! Ever seen that movie JFK?
Roger: We all thought Jim J. Bullock from Too Close For Comfort was a fun person, too! You have Borat syndrome! (looks down at the floor and sees a card) Look. A business card.
Stan (takes the card): Let's see that. Ah-ha!
Steve: What does the card say?
Stan: It's from a corporation for Con Com. It's in Chimdale.
Roger: Does _everything_ have to a 'Con' these days! Like Expo Con, Wrestling Con, and Comic Con!
Stan: No, this could be a clue on who messed with you Klaus...
Klaus: You think...
Steve: Say, can I be on solving this?
Stan: No, Steve. You're too weak and insecure, better yet the professionals handle this!
Steve (dejected): I was hoping we'd be Wheels and The Legman.
Francine: Don't worry honey, I'll take you home, make you some hot cocoa and you can watch Tiny Toons on DVD!
Steve, Francine, and Hayley all go home to leave Stan, Roger, and Klaus to solve the mystery.
The next day, Stan was driving to Chimdale along with Roger and Klaus. Roger was looking up Con Com on the internet.
Roger: Found a clue Stan!
Stan: What did you find out about Con Com?
Roger: Con Com is an evil orginization full of con artists who make up pyramid schemes, money contests, get rich quick schemes, and then steal everything from anyone who won it!
Stan: Hmmmmm, sounds like a bunch of Bernie Madoff clones. No wonder we're in a recession!
Klaus: Are we there yet?
Stan: NO! You shut up back there! We're in this mess because of you!
Roger: Want us to help you, quiet your mouth or I'll shut it for you!
Stan arrives at Con Com. They all walk up to the building. Con Com was empty and Stan uses a CIA skeleton key to get in.
Klaus: I'm sorry you guys...
Stan: You're always sorry!
Klaus: I'm in huge trouble....
Roger: You're always in trouble!
Stan: All right now, everyone shut the (beep) up! We're entering the building. We don't want to get caught!
Roger, Stan, and Klaus entered the building and inside there was an empty desk. There was a door that leads to a stairway and they all decide to take it. Then they see a computer in an empty room. Stan hacked into it.
Stan: You know, we _can_ get the files out of it and take it to the police.
Roger (looks at the files on the computer): We're doing the ol' Edward Snowden approach!
Stan and Roger see a whole list of files and names on the computer.
Klaus: Did you find my name yet?
Stan: Yeah! We're looking you up under the 'dumbass' file!
Roger: More like '(beep)head' file!
Stan: Good one Roger!
Then Stan sees Klaus's name on it and then takes the file out of the computer. Roger opens a door and sees a kilos of crack cocaine.
Roger: (gasps) This is the best mission ever!
Stan (shoves Roger aside): Oh no you don't! (takes out the cocaine with a vacuum) We'll replace it with milk sugar. Play a little trick on these con artist bastards!
Roger: Son of a bitch!
Stan then uses the same vacuum to blow some milksugar into the bags.
Roger: How did you do that?
Stan: Little trick I learned at the CIA.
Then they hear an angry voice.
Voice: WHAT'S GOING ON! WHO'S UP THERE!
Klaus: We have to get the HELL OUTTA HERE!
Stan: Tell us something we don't know!
Roger: Wait! This calls for a disguise!
Stan: Hurry up! We don't have much time! (hides file in his coat)
Quickly Roger puts on his disguise and he's dressed in a vest, black cowboy hat and guitar.
Roger: Check me out! I'm El Kabong!
Then Roger, Stan, and Klaus run out of the building as fast as they can.
Voice: I'LL GET YOU!
Stan (running): You ripped that off from Quick Draw McGraw!
Roger (running): A lot of people get inspiration from 60's cartoons, Stan! Why do you think Mystery Science Theater 3000 kept making references to them?
Klaus: They're gaining on us!
Stan and Roger continue to run away and approach the enterance in which they came in.
Roger: This calls for a song! (singing): Stan Smith! Super Agent! Running Fast! Feet Clomping! Heart Pounding! Wabba-Cheeba! Wabba Cheeba! Wabba Cheeba! Wabba Cheeba!
Stan (running): This is no time for your jokes!
Luckily for them, they ran out just in time and jump back into the SUV and drive away fast.
Stan: That was a close shave. We'll have to hide you Klaus.
Klaus: Awww man. Was hoping I can help you guys.
Roger: We know buddy. You'd be a better help if you were away. Far away.
Stan drives Klaus to a mental hospital and checks him in. On the way they run into a mental patient who thinks he's playing with a basketball whom blocks Roger's path.
Roger (pushes patient): Move aside, dick!
Stan gets Klaus settled into a room. His roommate is mute Indian.
Klaus: Why do I have to stay in a mental hosptal for? Before I was put inside a fish's body, a shrink in Germany said I was mentally unstable...
Stan: Well, guess putting your body into a fish wasn't enough to keep you out of trouble.
Roger (hands Klaus an iPAD): You can watch me and Stan in action with this.
Klaus: Okay, good luck guys.
Stan and Roger leave the room and the mental hospital to plan their next move. Klaus tries to talk to the Indian.
Klaus: Zo! Are you can Indian?
The Indian looks at him.
Klaus: You know, Indian? Do you go, woo-woo-woo-woo-woo?
Scenes 7-10Scene 7:
Stan and Roger (still dressed as El Kabong) walk outside the mental hospital unaware of the danger that is lurking.
Roger: Why a mental hospital?
Stan: It's the only place where we CIA agents can hide victims from the Witness Protection Program. For now anyway budgets are short.
Roger: Give me the file to the computer, nobody will search me.
Stan (gives Roger the file): Sure, hide it in your inner organs.
After Stan gives Roger the file, a bunch of thugs surround them. Roger jumps into the air and disappears.
Stan: Who are you people?
The thugs were the people who worked for Con Com.
Con Artist 1: We're the workers for Con Com!
Con Artist 2: Our scams were doing good until your sorry ass showed up.
Con Artist 3: Now, we're going to beat the (beep) out of you until we get that file back!
Con Artist 4: We're going to make you pay for breaking into our building!
Then Stan gets nervous that Roger wasn't around. The Con Artists band together and they all take out weapons. Everything from nunchucks, chains, knives, and brass knuckles.
Con Artists: Greed Works! Greed Works! Greed Works! Greed Works!
Stan: Roger! Roger! Like Peter O'Toole in Murphy's War! I'm not able on my own!
Up in the mental hosptial roof, Roger is about to swing from a rope.
Roger: Beware con artists, murderers, and rapists!
Con Artist 3: Who the (beep) is that asshole?
Roger: Tis I! El Kabong is on the rampage! (swings from the rope) Geranimo!!!!
As Roger swung from the rope, he hits 3 of the con artists with his guitar! The Con Artists are knocked out, but two remain and are about to capture Stan and Roger.
Stan: Wow! Good work, Roger! Couldn't you have dressed as Zorro?
Roger: One more remark like that and I'm making you Baba Louie!
Stan: Do that, I'll kick your ass! Hit those other two dicks with that guitar!
Just when Roger is about to hit the other Con Artists with his guitar, they both sneak up behind Stan and Roger and choloform them.
Stan (muffled): Hmmmmmm!!!!
Roger (muffled): Blahhhhhhh!
Meanwhile in the mental hospital, Klaus sees the whole thing from the iPAD Stan had given him.
Klaus: NEIN! Stan! Roger!
Panicked, Klaus then tries to talk to the mute Indian. The room also had a water fountain.
Klaus: Stan and Roger were supposed to save me, and they get captured? Hey, Indian!
The Indian looks at Klaus.
Klaus: We're planning an escape to save mein friends! Pick up that water fountain!
The Inidan picks up the water fountain and throws it at the window and it breaks. Then Klaus has one last hope.
Klaus: There's only one person who can help us now! (picks up phone) Hopefully, I can still afford him. (dials phone): Hello, Geeves?
Somewhere in an abandoned car shop, Stan and Roger were waking up from being knocked out by choloroform. The Con Artists had Stan and Roger tied to chairs.
Con Artist 1: C'mon positions of authority!
Con Artist 2: Wake up!
Con Artist 3: Wakey wakey eggs and bakey!
Stan: What is the meaning of this!
Roger: Where are we? Positions of authority? I resemble that remark!
Con Artist 4: This is an abandoned car shop, crime fighter dudes.
Roger: Car shop? What the hell are you doing? Holding us captive at a Pep Boys?!
Con Artist 3: Silence! You won't be here for too long.
Then the Con Artists drag Stan and Roger by the top of the chairs they were tied to.
Stan: Where are you taking us!
Con Artist 2: You'll soon find out!
Stan and Roger are taken outside. Across the street from a vacant lot, there was a boat and a hankercheif in the gas tank of the boat. Inside the boat there was the crack cocaine from the Con Com building and the Con Artists were unaware that the crack was replaced with milksugar.
Stan: What's the deal with the boat?
Roger: Who's going in it?
Con Artist 1: Why you two are of course!
Con Artist 2: Here's how it's going to go down. This boat is filled with crack cocaine.
Con Artist 3: You're going to give us that computer file back....
Con Artist 4: If you do, you're both free to go....
Stan: And if we refuse?
Con Artist 3: We're going to put your bodies on that boat.....and then we're going to call the Coast Guard!
Con Artist 2: Once you give this that file, Con Com will go on forever!
All the Con Artists laugh evilly as they go about their plan.
The Con Artists are readying their plan to eliminate Stan and Roger. One of the Con Artists searches Stan and finds no computer file.
Con Artist 3: Not cooperating, I see....
The other Con Artist goes to the bags of crack cocaine and opens it and tastes it with his tongue. Then discovers it's milksugar.
Roger (sarcastically): Minty, huh?
The Con Artists punch out Stan and Roger who both get knocked into the ground.
Con Artist 1: Okay, you're (beeping) with us now! Where's that computer file!
Stan: I think I hid it!
Con Artist 3: (punches Stan): WHERE?
Roger then gets a zippo lighter and lights the handercheif to the gas tank of the boat.
Con Artist 4: He lit the tank!
Stan, Roger run away though still tied to chair as did the Con Artists. The boat explodes. Then up in the sky, a helocopter appears out of nowehere and shoots the Con Artists.
Roger: YAY! We're saved!
Stan: But how! Who saved us!
Klaus was in the helocopter along with the mute Indian and his butler Geeves.
Geeves (over megaphone): Master Klaus needed a favor to be done!
Stan: Klaus? He saved us?
Roger and Stan were both untied now.
Klaus: That right I did! Geeves owed me a favor! Never would have done it without the help of a mute Indian! Right, Red Skin!
Roger: We were supposed to rescue you!
Then the helocopter landed next to Stan and Roger. Klaus, Geeves, and the Indian all came out.
Roger: Bet you feel really emasculated now, eh Stan?
Stan: Shut up, Roger!
Klaus: Guess I went from victim to hero, huh? What will you give me in return?
Stan: I'll have to think about it.
Klaus: How about putting my body back into a human!
Stan: Sure thing, buddy! It'll be a prostitute!
Klaus: I saved you and that's the thanks I get!
Stan: I don't trust you after that whole 'Flippity Flop' thing you did to me!
Roger: Hmmm, since those Con Artists are gone.....maybe I'll start running Con Com from now on! Kind of liked it there.....
Scene 10 Conclusion:
Back in Langley Falls at the Smith House, Steve, Barry, Toshi, and Snot were playing basketball on the driveway.
Steve: We need another guy for our team.
Snot: Maybe that black kid from our last slumber party?
Barry: He forgot about us.
Toshi (in Japanese): I can get my cousin who's training to be a Ninja samarai.
Then Roger pulls up in front from them in Stan's SUV.
Roger: So? Are you in need for another dude on your basketball team?
Steve: You bet we are!
Snot: Did you find one!
Roger: He's right here!
It's the mental hospital patient whom thought he was playing with an invisible ball! He ends up chasing Steve, Snot, Barry, and Toshi!
Barry: He's going to use us as a ball!
Steve: Run for your life!
The mental hospital patient chases Steve and his friends down the street. Roger stands there and laughs.
Roger: Ain't I a stinker?
“Don’t forget me.” She whispered and he held her face as he kissed her. “Never.”
- Authors: 484020
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What the title says, yo. :P
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