One shot. [Ryden] I was not his, and he was not mine. We were just singers in a band, best friends. But lovers? Lovers meant commitment, meant long nights of whispers and promises.
"What the hell?! I got a 79%!!"
"Sorry maybe you just don't have Brendon Urie's chops," I shrugged to him, putting down my plastic Rock Band guitar with its special color-coordinated buttons. It was weird playing 'Nine in the Afternoon' on a video game.
Brendon's mahogany eyes got even wider if that was even humanly possible.
"B-but I AM Brendon! I sang this song!" he sputtered out in disbelief, eyes glassing over as he looked at me with those pouty lips. A shiver went up my spine. Gosh he was cute.
Tonight we were all just hanging out at my apartment, away from the fame, fangirls, and...whatever else started with an F dealing with being in a world-renowned band.
I think I liked these nights best as I helped myself up to go grab some Flamin Hot Cheetos from my kitchen.
"Sweet I got a 99%. I was top performer!" I watched Jon grin proudly from the open door.
"FUCK YOU JON I'M DEALING WITH AN IDENTITY CRISIS!" Brendon cried as he slammed his mic to the ground then preceeding to snatch up his 2nd Red Bull of the night.
"Spence, get that away from him, he's getting all emo," I taunted, using the exact label that he hated just as much as I.
I got a secret pleasure in the way Brendon scrunched his nose in distate at me.
"Your face, Ryan. Your face." he spat back, sticking his tongue at me like a child.
"I know, isn't it pretty?" I stuck my tongue back, picking up my 'guitar' again.
"Yeah, pretty ugly," he chuckled, quickly ducking behind Jon for cover after he uttered it.
I was in a fury. Did he realize how long it took for me to do this awesome make up? My face was art!
"BRENDON URIE I'M GOING TO KIL-"
"Would you all quit having your lovers quarrel and let's get back to the game?" Spencer, the youngest, yet calmest of us all intervened, twirling his drumsticks expertly in his fingers.
We're not lovers!
Or maybe that's what we should have shouted. But we didn't. Brendon just came back from behind Jon, and grabbed his mic and I began flicking through songs. The humor was wiped from both of our faces.
I was not his, and he was not mine. We were just singers in a band, best friends. But lovers? Lovers meant commitment, meant long nights of whispers and promises and soft lips against softer in the afterglow, in the shadows.
My soul writhed in longer for that elegant, long-fingered hand to intertwine with my own, palm to palm. Feel his sweat in the grip. This was a weird desire, and I packed it away in the back of my mind as I distracted myself asking,
"How you all feel about A Jagged Gorgeous Winter?"
They all seemed to agree or nod in approval, even though none of us knew the song at all. It was the only way to get to the next level. The song started and we all grew very quiet. I wondered what it would be like if they could all read my thoughts.
"Winter taking days...night's filled with longer hours," Brendon's gorgeous voice started off softly, unsure of the tune.
It sounded electronic, the song, with black steely beats. It was weird. I started my guitar, Jon on bass, Spencer on drums. We were hitting the notes...for the most part. It was taking me a while to get my own grip on the tune and on my mind as my eyes just constantly got stuck back to him. He was magnetic. My stare must have hooked him because I swear those wide dark brown eyes caught on me.
I quickly looked back to the screen, only I was more obvious now by my hesitation. When he breathed in between pauses of verses, I inhaled too. I inhaled his unique scent that I knew much better than I should have. It was usually crisp and spicy much like auttumn. It was all too intoxicating and it only got stronger when he got into the song like he usually did. Stomping around my living room like we were playing on Madison Square's stage. The world was his stage.
Passing by us
And then he came closer, his chocolate hair messily entangled in those long eyelashes as he disregarded my bubble of space, whispering in my ear
With colder feelings.
It only made him grin wider when I felt a shutter go up my spine. I wish he didn't do that. It made me unsure of everything, myself. Us.
He was killing me and my heart was aching on the edge of something so much bigger than me. I just wanted more. I wanted him more. But he spared me the mercy of turning away with a flip of his hair, back to the screen singing,
Black eyes and hidden lusts
The rest of the night was a little less intense, luckily. Especially seeing as how Brendon's sugar buzz became the ultimate crash of the year.
His eyes were glazed over as he rested his head on my shoulder, as we all watched some random horror flick Jon had really wanted to watch. It was too damn predictable. I'd obviously watched too many in my life. Girl looks in the mirror, no one's there. Opens the mirror again and-
"OH MY GOSH NOO! RUN! HE'S GONNA KILL YOU!" Spencer cried out, spilling popcorn all over my couch and carpets and we all jumped from his reactions.
"Jeez, Spence! Calm down!" Jon snapped, smacking the frightened boy on the back of the head.
"Sorry," Spencer blushed, his round face now a bright tomato red.
Jon was obviously still cranky though.
"Ah, I can't really enjoy this kinda masterpiece unless I'm alone," Jon admitted.
"You were enjoying it?" I couldn't help but spit out sardonically. He stuck out his tongue at me, now standing himself up with a stretch, a look of relief quietly going over Spencer's facial features. I could tell he was happy that this movie would no longer continue as he stood up as well, brushing off the popcorn from his lap.
"Uh...I'ma clean that, I swear."
I waved it off. "S'fine, Spence. I got it."
"Well we're going to head off then. Guess you got Bden?" Jon asked, shrugging over to the boy lying against my shoulder.
But sure enough, Brendon's big brown eyes were closed shut, his lips parted slightly, exhaling and inhaling slow. He was out. He looked so peaceful.
"Yeah I'll get him home," I dropped my voice to a whisper now, not wanting to disturb him as I sat completely still.
And then something weird happened. Jon just kind of stood there for a moment or so, staring down at me and Brendon with some sort of look that I couldn't necessarily define. He gave a soft smile.
"Uh...Jon?" But he quickly turned away, as if nothing had ever happened, waving goodbye, Spencer filing out of the door of my apartment as well.
And then I was alone with Brendon again in the silence of the night.
It felt good, his feather-soft hair tickling my bare neck. And it actually wasn't so silent when his sighs seemed to be like a symphony of the most beautiful exchange of inhales and exhales. Then it happened. Without thinking, in the midst of my revelation of this bliss, I found myself instinctively brushing my lips against the top of his head.
But I quickly withdrew as if I'd been electricuted, maybe a little too abruptly then I needed too as Brendon's head fell off my lap and plopped onto the space I'd provided as I backed away.
He groaned, waking up, smooshing his face against the pillow as his muffled voice got out,
"I wudn't sleepin."
I bit back laughter from my bottom lip. He was so cute when he was disoriented. He forced himself up, his hands in his face.
"What time is it?"
"Time for you to go to sleep." I told him, standing myself up.
"Spencer and Jon left?" he asked, gazing around, noticing the silence. I nodded in return. Brendon finally looked up to me, and my heart did flips.
"Guess you want me gone then huh?" he grinned, showing off his pearly whites.
"Um it doesn't matter." I would be Switzerland. I would play neutral.
He gave me a funny look before it blossomed into a grin. I hated it when he had that look of 'I-know-something-you-don't-know.'
"Wanna walk me home?"
Was that a rhetorical question?
Before I knew it, we were walking side by side down the freezing sidewalk at 3 AM in the morning. The neon of lights of the city glimmered fiercely in comparison to the gray slush of snow on the side of the overused road, though we began to leave this behind as he and I entered into the darkness of the park, the newly fallen snow blanched and untouched. Pure.
worn sheets of snow concealing
A Jagged Gorgeous Winter was still in my head. But all was dead in this moment. Our shadows against the snow our only companion, the path was all our own as we stuffed our hands into our coats, heading towards his apartment. It was freezing and the tension between him and eye in our mere foot apart was practically tangible. Not a word came out of either us, but we could always hide behind the fact we were 'sleepy'. I buried my mouth into my snuggly purple scarf. It was weird for Brendon to be quiet though. I snuck a glance at him in his red jacket with pink and white stripes. I couldn't read his face. But I didn't need to, because before I knew it felt his hand slide down my arm with an exagerrated slowness, before surprisingly fingers laced expertly with mine.
gloves on hands with warmer flaps
He'd thought of this many times before. But me in my clumsiness just halted to a stop. Brendon did as well, turning to face my wordlessly. Now I understood that look in his eye and before I could catch my breath, Brendon acted on impulse, like always and his free hand raced up the side of my face.
plastic sleds cracking
the new lead chance
His lips were on mine, brushing against them, feeling, exploring this new sensation. Quick, waiting for my reaction. I was frozen, wide eyed, staring at he who closed his eyes and desperately begged back for recognition with silent words on his lips. Finally he opened his eyes, staring towards me, searching, searching, lips backing away slowly. He inhaled, but before he could say another word I shut him up with my own silent words against his, racing my fingers through his familiar dark hair. I wasn't cold anymore. Brendon sighed in relief into my mouth. We were breathless quick, our kisses fierce and fast, quickly. As if we were kissing one another for all the times we knew we should have, denying our souls life.
huddling against the wall
shrinking college trends
with the days living faster now
"How long?" he gasped for air in between kisses, his breath coming out in thin whisps of smoke into the night. His arms slid around my the small of my back now, bringing me closer.
"A year, six months," I kissed his jaw, "twenty eight days." I whispered into his ear, "You?"
"Uh...I'm not as impressively exact as you," he whispered back, bringing his head up from my neck that he kissed. I laughed.
"But let's just say a really long freaking time."
we cast our main pretends
extra heat demands
"Can I do something?" he asked, pulling away from my kisses entirely as he stood apart from me. I shrugged, confused and instantaneously wishing him back.
He put a finger up for a 'wait a minute' and preceeded to walk over onto the snowy ground, off the walkway before he stopped and began the most ridiculous little dance I'd ever seen.
"I just kissed Ryan Rossss. I just kissed Ryan Rossss!" he sang proudly, kicking up snow. Okay, that was it. He was too ridiculously cute. Without warning I threw myself on him, tackling him and bringing us both falling into the snow, our laughter ringing into the night.
rising comes to power
darkness making days
It was perfect.
nights filled with longer hours