Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > The Rise/Fall Of Gerard Way
My Lovely Man (The End)
THE END! Thank you everyone who read this, and especially everyone who reviewed and rated. I love you guys.
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EDIT 8/18: This chapter has now been beta-d. THANKS BURCU, YOU'RE FREAKING AWESOME.
EDIT 8/6: Sorry if this reposts, I had to correct a few grammatical errors.
Okay, so to make up for last chapter's crappiness, here is a SUPERLONG, and I think pretty good chapter. If you want to make it shorter, just skip the sex scene ;) It was the first one I've ever written, actually. Thank you, thank you, thank you everyone, for reading this story.
Chapter 21 - My Lovely Man (The End)
Gerard squished his face against the cold window of the limousine and watched the dark scenery rush by. The longish vehicle had been taking turns dropping off everyone in the band, until Frank and Gerard were the only ones remaining. Gerard found this rather awkward and had nothing to say to the beautiful man who sat next to him. He had been feeling slightly better after his prior barf-session. However, it was all coming back to him now, after Frank had asked to spend the night at his place. It was a terrifying thought, yet Gerard hadn't thought twice before agreeing. He was growing to regret this, though, since his stomach wouldn't stop churning. On top of that, he knew Frank knew about Mikey's proposition about the therapist. Maybe he was even the one who suggested the idea. It made an immense amount of rage creep up in the pit of his heart, the thought that all his friends were teaming up against him or something. Deep down, he knew they all just wanted him to feel better, but really, did they all think he was some sort of weak-minded freak who couldn't deal with his own petty problems? His fists balled unconsciously. Upon realizing what was happening, he loosened them. Fuck, he couldn't let this get to him; he couldn't afford to lose control again.
He shuddered as the limo came to a gentle halt. Time to forget about all that; he'd think about it later. Through the window, he could see his house and for some reason, the feeling that rushed through him was relief. It was good to know that it hadn't changed or moved since he left it. He scoffed half-heartedly. What did he expect? For his house to have been carried all the way to Kansas? Either way, it felt good to be home. He gave Frank a sideways glance and saw that he was staring, eyes intent.
“Um, are we getting out?” Gerard asked finally, feeling awkward.
Frank quickly snapped out of whatever trance he was in and nodded, “Let's go.”
Stepping into his home, Gerard inhaled the peculiar scent of a house that had not been lived in for far too long. He kicked his shoes off and strolled inside, leaving his bags in the foyer. Immediately, he headed to his favorite chair in the living room and sank down into its comfortable cushions. He closed his eyes and felt that even if it was only for a few seconds, his troubles had melted, like lemon drops on the tongue of an eager child.
There was a smile on his face when his eyes reopened. He looked around for Frank and saw that he was leaning against a wall, looking distraught. The smile vanished off his face and he beckoned for his friend to come sit with him. Frank obediently walked over, taking a seat on the arm of the chair. A brief silence followed.
“So...are we gonna talk to each other at all?” Gerard wondered out loud.
Frank sighed after a moment, “Yeah. I'm just thinking...”
“Oh. About what?”
“You,” the guitarist scoffed, “What else?”
“Oh,” Gerard's eyes lingered on the floor, “What about me?”
“Uh...I don't really know. Well, I do, but I don't know how to say it. So how are you?”
“I'm doing okay,” Gerard stared at Frank's face for a few a seconds and let out a loud breath. He might as well begin to think about the serious matters at hand. “Actually, no I'm not. I'm fucking upset because my own fucking brother thinks I need to see a shrink.”
Frank was too scared to talk about the subject. He didn't want to hurt Gerard in any way, but he knew he would end up doing so if he made the decision to tell the truth. Lying wasn't an option, though, that would only make Gerard lose trust in him. Fuck, this was complicated and now, he was sitting there making an idiot of himself with the way his face was twisting, writhing under the pressure. His mouth involuntarily opened. Frozen in place for a moment, he felt his lips get dry. Realizing it was expected of him to speak, he blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
“Oh, really?” His fraud tone of surprise was apparent.
Gerard raised an eyebrow before his expression melted into pure annoyance, “Yeah, really. And I know you fucking know about it, so don't pretend.”
“Oh,” was the response. The subsequent silence was uneasy for both men, so Frank decided to take a bold move, “So, what do you think about it? Do you think you wanna maybe see a therapist?”
Gerard snorted, as if the suggestion was parallel to chicken little telling him that the sky was falling, “Hell no! I don't need some dude who thinks he's all that asking how I feel about everything. All he's gonna do is prescribe me some drugs. I think the side effects are about the same, so it's sort of ironic. What the hell is the difference between me taking cocaine and me taking the drugs he gives me, you know?”
It was Frank's turn to show aggravation, “Really? You think the doctor giving you medicine to make you less depressed is the same as you snorting crack and turning into an egomaniac?”
“Actually, yeah, I do! You tell me what the difference is, except the level of my happiness.”
“Are you fucking stupid? Do you think Mikey taking his Lithium is the same as some junkie drinking out of a paper bag and spending all his money on heroin to shoot himself up? Cause that's what you're saying now. There's an immense difference between medicine and street drugs. Medicine isn't gonna kill you!”
“Oh, so I'm stupid now!” was the only thing Gerard took from Frank's speech. “Fine, I guess you know everything, Mister College Graduate.” He stopped, feigning astonishment, “Oh wait! You're not one. And anyway, medicine could kill me if I really wanted it to, so there!”
Frank shook his head at Gerard's triumphant expression, “Gee...I'm not trying to have some sort of contest with you,” he paused for a moment, picking and choosing the right words to say. “Baby, I care about you. I love you. I want you to get better; I want you to be happy. I saw how bad you were a couple of days ago, and I know you remember the show that night too. Gerard, I thought you were gonna die. You looked so...oh God, never mind. It fucking breaks my heart though.”
His friend's face had turned bright red at this point. When he spoke, it was through gritted teeth, “I'm looked so what, Frank? Weak? Powerless? Because that's exactly how I feel! And going to see some fucking shrink is just gonna make me feel even more weak and powerless."
Frank bit down on his lip, “You're not weak, babe. You're so strong, you're getting through this really well. I don't know many people who could handle this situation, but you're trudging through, and that's great. Amazing, actually. It's just that you gotta realize that you're not some sort of superhuman, you can't do it all by yourself. You gotta admit that maybe you need some help... maybe. Just consider it,” When Gerard's mouth remained plastered in a frown, Frank sighed, “Listen...nobody is going to force you to do this all right? We're just trying to look out for you. If you really think you can handle it on your own, that's fine, as long as you can.”
Gerard had basically gotten his way at this point; he could just say that yes, he could handle it on his own. The victory, for some reason, did not feel good at all. The trouble with the situation was that he knew his friends were right. It was just so hard to give in and say yes, yes, yes he needed a fucking shrink! He was crazy and depressed and had too much on his shoulders!
He shut his eyes tightly and let out a groan, “I don't know if I can handle it. I mean...I try, I really do. But every time I swear to myself I'm gonna come clean and finally be in good terms with myself, there's this little voice in my head. Not an actual voice, but you know, something that just keeps telling me there's no way I can do it, and that I'm a terrible person, and I deserve to die. It makes me feel so pathetic. The only things that can shut it up are my best friends: alcohol and cocaine.”
Frank's hands trembled as he took Gerard's face in his hands, “You don't need them. You're so much better than that. I wish you would just realize that. Can you just think about seeing a doctor? I actually looked up a few good ones. Please, for me... I'm asking you just to consider it.” he pouted, willing to go to desperate measures for such a desperate situation, “I'll do anything.”
Gerard's heart beat so hard that it flew into his throat. Frankie's face was his biggest weakness. Why did it have to be so damn cute? The man's big green eyes were like...fuck, he couldn't even manage to be poetic about it; they just messed up his entire train of thought. When he rested his eyes on Frank, he could barely let out a breath. Gulping, he attempted to get back to the conversation.
“Umm...” It wasn't like he could say no to that face, “Yeah. Okay. I'll think about it...you don't have to do anything for me...I'm not making any promises.”
“Of course... You know, you're amazing.”
“Yeah? Cause I do anything you want?”
Frank grinned, “Duh.” He gently inched forward until their lips touched for a moment, “And you're pretty hot, too.”
Gerard whined when he pulled away, wanting more. Seeing his yearning expression, Frank's mouth twitched, this time aggressively smashing into the other man's. He devoured the kisses, becoming furiously passionate. His hand ran through his boyfriend's thin hair while the other wrapped around his back, pushing himself forward and onto Gerard. It felt so good to hold someone that tight. He slid his tongue down to Gerard's neck, softly nibbling at the nape. Beads of sweat tickled his mouth.
Gerard whimpered, breathing becoming ragged. He knew, for a fact, that Frank was hard; he felt it against his thigh. It was taunting him, reminding him that he had no clue how to... do it with another man. He desperately wanted to satisfy Frank, show him how in love he was, wanted to make him feel as amazingly beautiful as he was. But he didn't know how... He'd never been that far, not even with Bert, although the thought had crossed his mind in several of his pathetic fantasies. However, that urge was nothing close to how much he wanted—no, needed —Frank. Thinking so much had turned him off a bit, but he regained the lost horniness as fast as he felt his shirt being yanked off. Frank's soft lips pressed against his collar bone causing him to let out a moan. Kisses trailed down to his bare chest and stomach. His body felt like it was on fire. Sweat was something that usually disgusted him, but now, he wanted to swelter until he melted into a puddle.
Stopping for a breath, Frank looked up, “God, you're gorgeous.”
Gerard giggled, but his breath stopped short into a pant when Frank's teeth bit down on his lower hip. His boyfriend's mouth sucked and bit while he felt his body going on a joy ride. Fuck, it felt amazing. It couldn't stop at that, hell no. Nervously, he moved his hands to his jeans, fiddling with the button. The zipper went down with a zwip sound. Using his legs, he tried to wiggle out.
Frank, noticing his efforts, grinned, “Let me help ya out there, buddy.”
Off came Gerard's pants, with a simple tug and he was down to the bare minimum. By now, he was obviously hard as a rock. He wrapped Frank's hair around his fingers and clutched them tightly.
“I want you,” he murmured.
In response, the other man yanked off his boxers, leaving him naked.
FUCK! He was naked right in front of Frank, as in completely naked. The lights were on, he could see. With no clothes to hide him, his imperfections were all right there, clear in the yellow glow. It was a good thing he was so horny; he soon stopped worrying about it, thinking about the pleasure. His dick, unlike his brain, was not an over thinker.
“Unh!” he moaned as Frank teasingly swirled his tongue around the tip of his erection, “Unhhhh, fuck!”
Frank chortled, “We'll get to it, babe. Sheesh!”
He playfully brought his mouth around an inch of Gerard's throbbing member, sucking in and out. He knew from each pulse that his teasing had a great effect. His tongue was hard at work to make the other man writhe and sigh with absolute delight.
“Frank! Mmmm. Take me!”
Frank rose back over him, panting. A sudden aggression had come about his aura,“I want you...to scream my fucking name. You stop, I stop. Got it?”
Gerard nodded frantically, pulling roughly at his hair, groaning hotly, “Just take me!”
Frank took Gerard in his mouth once more, little at a time, licking and teasing.
“Fr—Frank! Unhh!”
Gerard sank his nails into the fabric of the sofa as Frank took him in entirely. Excited, his hips thrust forward. He was a bit regretful, realizing that Frank probably wasn't prepared for that. But the man seemed to react with expertise, never choking or holding back. It was as if he knew the exact ways to make him sweat and moan.
“Jeeesus Christ!”
And then it stopped. Gerard's sigh contained excruciating pain and he stared down. Frank's expression was expecting, but he couldn't think straight to figure out what he was waiting for.
“Shit! Dude, go! Don't stop!” he was dying, “Goddamnit, what are you doing to me?” He suddenly figured out what his mistake had been. Wow. “Frank Anthony Iero! Mmm, suck me!”
He could have sworn Frank had a grin on his face when he continued, “Ahh! Fra...mmm,” he squirmed, unable to contain himself, but Frank pinned his hips down, regaining control. “Frankie, I think...” he heavily gasped, feeling his body climax, “I'munnacome!”
He let out a guttural scream of his lover's name as he came. His fingers loosened, both from Frank's hair and the couch. His erratic breathing soon felt Frank's against it.
“Fuck, that's...” Gerard's breath was short, “That was...'mazing.”
Frank's lips crept forward and they kissed, “I love you so much, Gee. You don't even know.” He flung his arms around his boyfriend's neck.
Gerard smiled and felt Frank, stiff against his thigh. He then whispered, “I want more.”
His hand now slipped under Frank's shirt, getting it off and tossing it aside. His heart pounded but he liked the clammy feeling of sweaty, smooth skin against skin. He kissed every part of Frank's chest, making him shiver and shudder with pleasure. He felt Frank struggle in an attempt to get his pants off and smirked. So he wasn't the only one who had trouble with that. Just as it had been done for him, he helped Frank out, being extra efficient and getting his boxers down as well. He could see the hunger in the other man's eyes and it made him starve just as much.
“Oooh Gerard! I'm gonna fuck you like an animal!” Frank gripped the sides of the other man's body, flipping him onto his back. Once on top, he brought his head down and kissed Gerard's cheek, nibbled his ear.
Gerard soon felt Frank inside him, flesh hot and pulsating. Gerard soared into Heaven, this had to be it. His brain was blurry and weary, so he decided to give it a complete rest and let his body take control.
Several moans and satisfied cries later, Gerard found himself back on Earth, hot and sticky between his thighs. The two lovers lay peacefully in each other's arms, hearts in perfect synchronization. Gerard snuggled into Frank's arms and kissed his cheek softly. It was so quiet now that he could hear the gentle hum of the air conditioner. It was like an engine, getting his brain back into gear. Unfortunately, instead of savoring the happy, movie-worthy ending, it decided to start analyzing again.
The most beautiful man in the world had just made love to him. Went down on him, pleasured him, and even screamed out his name. And now, here they were, lying in the nude, in each other's arms. It was amazing, but unbelievable...because why would someone as lovely as Frank find him attractive? He was probably a terrible fuck, too—amateur moves and no idea how to be seductive. The only reason Frank had had sex with him was because he got horny. No surprise, since they had been on the road so long and stayed away from fucking groupies. Maybe he had even been thinking of somebody else the whole time! Obviously. Who in their right mind would think of Gerard? He was bony and pasty and always ruining everyone's happiness. Especially his own. Why wasn't he dead yet? Fuck, he wanted to be! He was supposed to be a long time ago.
Tears welled up in his eyes. Why was he feeling like that again? He had gotten over it. He was there, pressed up against Frank's chest where he could feel warm and safe forever. It was supposed to feel good.
But Gerard didn't feel good. He felt naked and gross and uncomfortable. He was now crying softly, biting his lip to quiet himself. There was no reason Frank had to wake up and see this. Right as he thought that, he felt his boyfriend stir.
“Gerard?” Frank rubbed his eyes groggily, but was surprised to find his face wet, “Gee? Shit! Why are you crying?” The only answer he got was a sob. “Oh my God! What did I do? What's wrong? Baby, stop crying...” He tugged him forward, kissing his wet cheek, “What happened? You're supposed to be happy.”
Gerard broke away roughly from the embrace, whispering, “I'm so sorry...”
Pulling his underwear up from his ankles, he rushed out of the room. Once in the privacy of his bathroom, he tunneled out all the tears he had ever held back and let them out. It drained away any energy he had left and he leaned against the counter for support. He was sick to his stomach. Once his eyes were drier, he glanced up into the mirror.
The reflection he saw was not him. Fuck no. What he saw was basically a crying skeleton with hair. He rubbed his hand over his cheekbones and then felt down, running his hand over his ribcage. Damn. How did he lose so much weight? He couldn't even remember...couldn't remember being that ugly.
He stole a look at the side drawer. Should he? No. Yes...well, no, but he wanted to. Before he could think too much about it, he dragged it open. It was his “Drug Drawer”. It had all sorts of shit in there: Vicodin, Atavan, even a tiny bottle of cyanide. Planning to take an assortment of sleeping pills, he reached his hand back. His hand felt a small plastic pouch. Huh, so that was where he kept his secret stash of crack. He didn't even think twice as he poured it out, spreading it into a thin, white line. His stomach was in knots. Was he really going to do this? What would Frank say if he found out? He looked back into the mirror at the stacked-up pile of skin and bones. The only reason he looked liked that was because of cocaine...what was the use in taking any more? It would just make him look worse. And anyway, nobody liked how confident he became when he took that stuff. Basically, it drove him away from everyone he cared about. And the scars on his arm never would have come into existence if he never did drugs. He didn't ever need them! The skeleton in the mirror was now smiling, victorious.
Just as he was about to turn around and run back to the room, the door knob turned. Damn, he had forgotten to lock the door.
“Gee?” Frank's cautious voice spoke, and he stepped into the room, dressed in a t-shirt and boxers.“What happened back there? Are you o—oh my fucking God! What is that?”Gerard was paralyzed. “Fuck you, Gerard! I can't believe this. How could you? After everything we went through, you're back to this?”
“Frank, no, I didn't—”
“No! I don't give a shit what you have to say, I don't believe you.”
Weeping again, Gerard threw his arms around Frank's waist, “Please listen, I didn't take any. Help me, Frank, I need you. I need some fucking help.”
Frank gave him a shove, “Obviously not as much as you need that crap. I've been trying to help you, you selfish asshole. I figured if I gave you enough love and support, you would come to your senses! Maybe you need to realize that when you do cocaine, you end up all alone. Alone as fuck. Don't give me that look, I've watched you basically kill yourself over this for long enough. I'm not watching anymore. I'm leaving. Call me when you stop being such an idiot.”
“No, Frank, wait!” Gerard yelled, “Fuck, fuck, fuck, no, baby.” He followed Frank out the door and grabbed his arm, “Listen, I swear to you, I didn't take any. I was gonna, but then I thought about you and I didn't...” he sighed, “I know I need help, I know it. I'm so depressed and I just wanna die. I can't handle this alone. Just please stay with me. I wish I knew how to be a better boyfriend, but you're right, I'm so selfish. So please just be selfless one more time, like you always are. Don't leave me.”
He exhaustedly collapsed into Frank's body, holding onto him tightly, despite the resistance. Soon, he felt the shorter man give in and wrap his arms around him. Frank rubbed his back comfortingly as he shook.
“Gee...you make it so hard for me to trust you. I don't think I...ok, listen, I'm gonna stay,” Gerard pulled back, ecstatic with relief. He leaned forward to kiss Frank with as much passion as he felt, but was rejected. “I'm gonna stay as your friend, Gerard. I can't handle a relationship with you right now. You know I love you with all my heart, but until we get all this shit worked out, I'm just your friend. Well, your best friend.”
Gerard's eyes were hurt as Frank broke their awkwardly short embrace. But he understood. He loved Frank and would do anything for him. If that meant gritting his teeth, and trooping through this as just friends, he would do it.
He held back any tears that threatened to fall and instead forced a smile, “Thanks, Frank. I just need you here for me...because I'm gonna call up a shrink tomorrow.”
Frank's jaw dropped and he let out a squeal of excitement. He threw his arms around Gerard's neck and spun around. Thank God. He couldn't wait until his boyfriend... well, friend got better and could kiss him again with those soft pink lips.
~*~
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, this couldn't be happening.
Gerard anxiously fidgeted as he sat in a soft chair, outside the therapist's office. Although Frank was currently right next to him, he knew that once the doctor called his name, he would have to go in there alone. His brow was laced with sweat and he tried to loosen his tie, but it just made him cough.
“Dude, calm down! You're gonna be fine,” Ray assured him.
It was like a whole party in here, to support him. Bob, Ray, Frank, Mikey, and even his mother were there, standing in the waiting room, giving him the occasional pep talk or assuring glance. He supposed it should have made him feel loved, but it made him a nervous wreck. They would all be watching when he walked in there. And he would, undoubtedly, freak out and trip over something. He twiddled his thumb and moved around some more. No matter what, he couldn't make himself comfortable in that goddamned chair.
“Mr. Way?”
“What?!” Gerard yelped and stood up as if he was in the military.
The blonde woman who had called his name looked bewildered, “Ummm, Doctor Mayfield will see you now.”
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...
He cursed silently to himself as he walked to where the lady stood. He turned around to see everybody giving him encouraging smiles, but he feared that he was going to pass out. Gulping, he pivoted back around.
“Gee, wait!” he heard a voice call.
He looked back and saw Frank speed-walking towards him, “Umm, I just wanted to say good luck. And I'm really proud of you for doing this.”
Gerard let out a dry laugh, “Hah. I know. Thanks.” Frank didn't walk back yet, so he waited for him to say something else. When he didn't, Gerard spoke up, “Uh, so I'm gonna go now, okay?”
Frank nodded, and then blushed. He chewed on his lip, thinking hard. Then, without further ado, he grabbed Gerard's face, smashing their lips together. He giggled against the kiss, before pulling away. His face felt hot.
Gerard smirked, “Just friends, huh?”
Frank shrugged, blushing, “It was a...a friendly kiss! Uh...now, get outta here, man! You got a lot of shit wrong with you!”
Gerard let out a satisfied breath, and walked through the door into the doctor's office. His original plan was to have his eyes squeezed shut, just to calm the nerves. However, he had realized that it was never a good idea to jump into things with his eyes closed. So, he bravely kept his eyes open and marched on forward. He knew this was the right thing to do; like Frank said, he had a lot of shit wrong with him.
THE END!
PLEASE REVIEW AND RATE! I'd like to know what you think....
EDIT 8/6: Sorry if this reposts, I had to correct a few grammatical errors.
Okay, so to make up for last chapter's crappiness, here is a SUPERLONG, and I think pretty good chapter. If you want to make it shorter, just skip the sex scene ;) It was the first one I've ever written, actually. Thank you, thank you, thank you everyone, for reading this story.
Chapter 21 - My Lovely Man (The End)
Gerard squished his face against the cold window of the limousine and watched the dark scenery rush by. The longish vehicle had been taking turns dropping off everyone in the band, until Frank and Gerard were the only ones remaining. Gerard found this rather awkward and had nothing to say to the beautiful man who sat next to him. He had been feeling slightly better after his prior barf-session. However, it was all coming back to him now, after Frank had asked to spend the night at his place. It was a terrifying thought, yet Gerard hadn't thought twice before agreeing. He was growing to regret this, though, since his stomach wouldn't stop churning. On top of that, he knew Frank knew about Mikey's proposition about the therapist. Maybe he was even the one who suggested the idea. It made an immense amount of rage creep up in the pit of his heart, the thought that all his friends were teaming up against him or something. Deep down, he knew they all just wanted him to feel better, but really, did they all think he was some sort of weak-minded freak who couldn't deal with his own petty problems? His fists balled unconsciously. Upon realizing what was happening, he loosened them. Fuck, he couldn't let this get to him; he couldn't afford to lose control again.
He shuddered as the limo came to a gentle halt. Time to forget about all that; he'd think about it later. Through the window, he could see his house and for some reason, the feeling that rushed through him was relief. It was good to know that it hadn't changed or moved since he left it. He scoffed half-heartedly. What did he expect? For his house to have been carried all the way to Kansas? Either way, it felt good to be home. He gave Frank a sideways glance and saw that he was staring, eyes intent.
“Um, are we getting out?” Gerard asked finally, feeling awkward.
Frank quickly snapped out of whatever trance he was in and nodded, “Let's go.”
Stepping into his home, Gerard inhaled the peculiar scent of a house that had not been lived in for far too long. He kicked his shoes off and strolled inside, leaving his bags in the foyer. Immediately, he headed to his favorite chair in the living room and sank down into its comfortable cushions. He closed his eyes and felt that even if it was only for a few seconds, his troubles had melted, like lemon drops on the tongue of an eager child.
There was a smile on his face when his eyes reopened. He looked around for Frank and saw that he was leaning against a wall, looking distraught. The smile vanished off his face and he beckoned for his friend to come sit with him. Frank obediently walked over, taking a seat on the arm of the chair. A brief silence followed.
“So...are we gonna talk to each other at all?” Gerard wondered out loud.
Frank sighed after a moment, “Yeah. I'm just thinking...”
“Oh. About what?”
“You,” the guitarist scoffed, “What else?”
“Oh,” Gerard's eyes lingered on the floor, “What about me?”
“Uh...I don't really know. Well, I do, but I don't know how to say it. So how are you?”
“I'm doing okay,” Gerard stared at Frank's face for a few a seconds and let out a loud breath. He might as well begin to think about the serious matters at hand. “Actually, no I'm not. I'm fucking upset because my own fucking brother thinks I need to see a shrink.”
Frank was too scared to talk about the subject. He didn't want to hurt Gerard in any way, but he knew he would end up doing so if he made the decision to tell the truth. Lying wasn't an option, though, that would only make Gerard lose trust in him. Fuck, this was complicated and now, he was sitting there making an idiot of himself with the way his face was twisting, writhing under the pressure. His mouth involuntarily opened. Frozen in place for a moment, he felt his lips get dry. Realizing it was expected of him to speak, he blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
“Oh, really?” His fraud tone of surprise was apparent.
Gerard raised an eyebrow before his expression melted into pure annoyance, “Yeah, really. And I know you fucking know about it, so don't pretend.”
“Oh,” was the response. The subsequent silence was uneasy for both men, so Frank decided to take a bold move, “So, what do you think about it? Do you think you wanna maybe see a therapist?”
Gerard snorted, as if the suggestion was parallel to chicken little telling him that the sky was falling, “Hell no! I don't need some dude who thinks he's all that asking how I feel about everything. All he's gonna do is prescribe me some drugs. I think the side effects are about the same, so it's sort of ironic. What the hell is the difference between me taking cocaine and me taking the drugs he gives me, you know?”
It was Frank's turn to show aggravation, “Really? You think the doctor giving you medicine to make you less depressed is the same as you snorting crack and turning into an egomaniac?”
“Actually, yeah, I do! You tell me what the difference is, except the level of my happiness.”
“Are you fucking stupid? Do you think Mikey taking his Lithium is the same as some junkie drinking out of a paper bag and spending all his money on heroin to shoot himself up? Cause that's what you're saying now. There's an immense difference between medicine and street drugs. Medicine isn't gonna kill you!”
“Oh, so I'm stupid now!” was the only thing Gerard took from Frank's speech. “Fine, I guess you know everything, Mister College Graduate.” He stopped, feigning astonishment, “Oh wait! You're not one. And anyway, medicine could kill me if I really wanted it to, so there!”
Frank shook his head at Gerard's triumphant expression, “Gee...I'm not trying to have some sort of contest with you,” he paused for a moment, picking and choosing the right words to say. “Baby, I care about you. I love you. I want you to get better; I want you to be happy. I saw how bad you were a couple of days ago, and I know you remember the show that night too. Gerard, I thought you were gonna die. You looked so...oh God, never mind. It fucking breaks my heart though.”
His friend's face had turned bright red at this point. When he spoke, it was through gritted teeth, “I'm looked so what, Frank? Weak? Powerless? Because that's exactly how I feel! And going to see some fucking shrink is just gonna make me feel even more weak and powerless."
Frank bit down on his lip, “You're not weak, babe. You're so strong, you're getting through this really well. I don't know many people who could handle this situation, but you're trudging through, and that's great. Amazing, actually. It's just that you gotta realize that you're not some sort of superhuman, you can't do it all by yourself. You gotta admit that maybe you need some help... maybe. Just consider it,” When Gerard's mouth remained plastered in a frown, Frank sighed, “Listen...nobody is going to force you to do this all right? We're just trying to look out for you. If you really think you can handle it on your own, that's fine, as long as you can.”
Gerard had basically gotten his way at this point; he could just say that yes, he could handle it on his own. The victory, for some reason, did not feel good at all. The trouble with the situation was that he knew his friends were right. It was just so hard to give in and say yes, yes, yes he needed a fucking shrink! He was crazy and depressed and had too much on his shoulders!
He shut his eyes tightly and let out a groan, “I don't know if I can handle it. I mean...I try, I really do. But every time I swear to myself I'm gonna come clean and finally be in good terms with myself, there's this little voice in my head. Not an actual voice, but you know, something that just keeps telling me there's no way I can do it, and that I'm a terrible person, and I deserve to die. It makes me feel so pathetic. The only things that can shut it up are my best friends: alcohol and cocaine.”
Frank's hands trembled as he took Gerard's face in his hands, “You don't need them. You're so much better than that. I wish you would just realize that. Can you just think about seeing a doctor? I actually looked up a few good ones. Please, for me... I'm asking you just to consider it.” he pouted, willing to go to desperate measures for such a desperate situation, “I'll do anything.”
Gerard's heart beat so hard that it flew into his throat. Frankie's face was his biggest weakness. Why did it have to be so damn cute? The man's big green eyes were like...fuck, he couldn't even manage to be poetic about it; they just messed up his entire train of thought. When he rested his eyes on Frank, he could barely let out a breath. Gulping, he attempted to get back to the conversation.
“Umm...” It wasn't like he could say no to that face, “Yeah. Okay. I'll think about it...you don't have to do anything for me...I'm not making any promises.”
“Of course... You know, you're amazing.”
“Yeah? Cause I do anything you want?”
Frank grinned, “Duh.” He gently inched forward until their lips touched for a moment, “And you're pretty hot, too.”
Gerard whined when he pulled away, wanting more. Seeing his yearning expression, Frank's mouth twitched, this time aggressively smashing into the other man's. He devoured the kisses, becoming furiously passionate. His hand ran through his boyfriend's thin hair while the other wrapped around his back, pushing himself forward and onto Gerard. It felt so good to hold someone that tight. He slid his tongue down to Gerard's neck, softly nibbling at the nape. Beads of sweat tickled his mouth.
Gerard whimpered, breathing becoming ragged. He knew, for a fact, that Frank was hard; he felt it against his thigh. It was taunting him, reminding him that he had no clue how to... do it with another man. He desperately wanted to satisfy Frank, show him how in love he was, wanted to make him feel as amazingly beautiful as he was. But he didn't know how... He'd never been that far, not even with Bert, although the thought had crossed his mind in several of his pathetic fantasies. However, that urge was nothing close to how much he wanted—no, needed —Frank. Thinking so much had turned him off a bit, but he regained the lost horniness as fast as he felt his shirt being yanked off. Frank's soft lips pressed against his collar bone causing him to let out a moan. Kisses trailed down to his bare chest and stomach. His body felt like it was on fire. Sweat was something that usually disgusted him, but now, he wanted to swelter until he melted into a puddle.
Stopping for a breath, Frank looked up, “God, you're gorgeous.”
Gerard giggled, but his breath stopped short into a pant when Frank's teeth bit down on his lower hip. His boyfriend's mouth sucked and bit while he felt his body going on a joy ride. Fuck, it felt amazing. It couldn't stop at that, hell no. Nervously, he moved his hands to his jeans, fiddling with the button. The zipper went down with a zwip sound. Using his legs, he tried to wiggle out.
Frank, noticing his efforts, grinned, “Let me help ya out there, buddy.”
Off came Gerard's pants, with a simple tug and he was down to the bare minimum. By now, he was obviously hard as a rock. He wrapped Frank's hair around his fingers and clutched them tightly.
“I want you,” he murmured.
In response, the other man yanked off his boxers, leaving him naked.
FUCK! He was naked right in front of Frank, as in completely naked. The lights were on, he could see. With no clothes to hide him, his imperfections were all right there, clear in the yellow glow. It was a good thing he was so horny; he soon stopped worrying about it, thinking about the pleasure. His dick, unlike his brain, was not an over thinker.
“Unh!” he moaned as Frank teasingly swirled his tongue around the tip of his erection, “Unhhhh, fuck!”
Frank chortled, “We'll get to it, babe. Sheesh!”
He playfully brought his mouth around an inch of Gerard's throbbing member, sucking in and out. He knew from each pulse that his teasing had a great effect. His tongue was hard at work to make the other man writhe and sigh with absolute delight.
“Frank! Mmmm. Take me!”
Frank rose back over him, panting. A sudden aggression had come about his aura,“I want you...to scream my fucking name. You stop, I stop. Got it?”
Gerard nodded frantically, pulling roughly at his hair, groaning hotly, “Just take me!”
Frank took Gerard in his mouth once more, little at a time, licking and teasing.
“Fr—Frank! Unhh!”
Gerard sank his nails into the fabric of the sofa as Frank took him in entirely. Excited, his hips thrust forward. He was a bit regretful, realizing that Frank probably wasn't prepared for that. But the man seemed to react with expertise, never choking or holding back. It was as if he knew the exact ways to make him sweat and moan.
“Jeeesus Christ!”
And then it stopped. Gerard's sigh contained excruciating pain and he stared down. Frank's expression was expecting, but he couldn't think straight to figure out what he was waiting for.
“Shit! Dude, go! Don't stop!” he was dying, “Goddamnit, what are you doing to me?” He suddenly figured out what his mistake had been. Wow. “Frank Anthony Iero! Mmm, suck me!”
He could have sworn Frank had a grin on his face when he continued, “Ahh! Fra...mmm,” he squirmed, unable to contain himself, but Frank pinned his hips down, regaining control. “Frankie, I think...” he heavily gasped, feeling his body climax, “I'munnacome!”
He let out a guttural scream of his lover's name as he came. His fingers loosened, both from Frank's hair and the couch. His erratic breathing soon felt Frank's against it.
“Fuck, that's...” Gerard's breath was short, “That was...'mazing.”
Frank's lips crept forward and they kissed, “I love you so much, Gee. You don't even know.” He flung his arms around his boyfriend's neck.
Gerard smiled and felt Frank, stiff against his thigh. He then whispered, “I want more.”
His hand now slipped under Frank's shirt, getting it off and tossing it aside. His heart pounded but he liked the clammy feeling of sweaty, smooth skin against skin. He kissed every part of Frank's chest, making him shiver and shudder with pleasure. He felt Frank struggle in an attempt to get his pants off and smirked. So he wasn't the only one who had trouble with that. Just as it had been done for him, he helped Frank out, being extra efficient and getting his boxers down as well. He could see the hunger in the other man's eyes and it made him starve just as much.
“Oooh Gerard! I'm gonna fuck you like an animal!” Frank gripped the sides of the other man's body, flipping him onto his back. Once on top, he brought his head down and kissed Gerard's cheek, nibbled his ear.
Gerard soon felt Frank inside him, flesh hot and pulsating. Gerard soared into Heaven, this had to be it. His brain was blurry and weary, so he decided to give it a complete rest and let his body take control.
Several moans and satisfied cries later, Gerard found himself back on Earth, hot and sticky between his thighs. The two lovers lay peacefully in each other's arms, hearts in perfect synchronization. Gerard snuggled into Frank's arms and kissed his cheek softly. It was so quiet now that he could hear the gentle hum of the air conditioner. It was like an engine, getting his brain back into gear. Unfortunately, instead of savoring the happy, movie-worthy ending, it decided to start analyzing again.
The most beautiful man in the world had just made love to him. Went down on him, pleasured him, and even screamed out his name. And now, here they were, lying in the nude, in each other's arms. It was amazing, but unbelievable...because why would someone as lovely as Frank find him attractive? He was probably a terrible fuck, too—amateur moves and no idea how to be seductive. The only reason Frank had had sex with him was because he got horny. No surprise, since they had been on the road so long and stayed away from fucking groupies. Maybe he had even been thinking of somebody else the whole time! Obviously. Who in their right mind would think of Gerard? He was bony and pasty and always ruining everyone's happiness. Especially his own. Why wasn't he dead yet? Fuck, he wanted to be! He was supposed to be a long time ago.
Tears welled up in his eyes. Why was he feeling like that again? He had gotten over it. He was there, pressed up against Frank's chest where he could feel warm and safe forever. It was supposed to feel good.
But Gerard didn't feel good. He felt naked and gross and uncomfortable. He was now crying softly, biting his lip to quiet himself. There was no reason Frank had to wake up and see this. Right as he thought that, he felt his boyfriend stir.
“Gerard?” Frank rubbed his eyes groggily, but was surprised to find his face wet, “Gee? Shit! Why are you crying?” The only answer he got was a sob. “Oh my God! What did I do? What's wrong? Baby, stop crying...” He tugged him forward, kissing his wet cheek, “What happened? You're supposed to be happy.”
Gerard broke away roughly from the embrace, whispering, “I'm so sorry...”
Pulling his underwear up from his ankles, he rushed out of the room. Once in the privacy of his bathroom, he tunneled out all the tears he had ever held back and let them out. It drained away any energy he had left and he leaned against the counter for support. He was sick to his stomach. Once his eyes were drier, he glanced up into the mirror.
The reflection he saw was not him. Fuck no. What he saw was basically a crying skeleton with hair. He rubbed his hand over his cheekbones and then felt down, running his hand over his ribcage. Damn. How did he lose so much weight? He couldn't even remember...couldn't remember being that ugly.
He stole a look at the side drawer. Should he? No. Yes...well, no, but he wanted to. Before he could think too much about it, he dragged it open. It was his “Drug Drawer”. It had all sorts of shit in there: Vicodin, Atavan, even a tiny bottle of cyanide. Planning to take an assortment of sleeping pills, he reached his hand back. His hand felt a small plastic pouch. Huh, so that was where he kept his secret stash of crack. He didn't even think twice as he poured it out, spreading it into a thin, white line. His stomach was in knots. Was he really going to do this? What would Frank say if he found out? He looked back into the mirror at the stacked-up pile of skin and bones. The only reason he looked liked that was because of cocaine...what was the use in taking any more? It would just make him look worse. And anyway, nobody liked how confident he became when he took that stuff. Basically, it drove him away from everyone he cared about. And the scars on his arm never would have come into existence if he never did drugs. He didn't ever need them! The skeleton in the mirror was now smiling, victorious.
Just as he was about to turn around and run back to the room, the door knob turned. Damn, he had forgotten to lock the door.
“Gee?” Frank's cautious voice spoke, and he stepped into the room, dressed in a t-shirt and boxers.“What happened back there? Are you o—oh my fucking God! What is that?”Gerard was paralyzed. “Fuck you, Gerard! I can't believe this. How could you? After everything we went through, you're back to this?”
“Frank, no, I didn't—”
“No! I don't give a shit what you have to say, I don't believe you.”
Weeping again, Gerard threw his arms around Frank's waist, “Please listen, I didn't take any. Help me, Frank, I need you. I need some fucking help.”
Frank gave him a shove, “Obviously not as much as you need that crap. I've been trying to help you, you selfish asshole. I figured if I gave you enough love and support, you would come to your senses! Maybe you need to realize that when you do cocaine, you end up all alone. Alone as fuck. Don't give me that look, I've watched you basically kill yourself over this for long enough. I'm not watching anymore. I'm leaving. Call me when you stop being such an idiot.”
“No, Frank, wait!” Gerard yelled, “Fuck, fuck, fuck, no, baby.” He followed Frank out the door and grabbed his arm, “Listen, I swear to you, I didn't take any. I was gonna, but then I thought about you and I didn't...” he sighed, “I know I need help, I know it. I'm so depressed and I just wanna die. I can't handle this alone. Just please stay with me. I wish I knew how to be a better boyfriend, but you're right, I'm so selfish. So please just be selfless one more time, like you always are. Don't leave me.”
He exhaustedly collapsed into Frank's body, holding onto him tightly, despite the resistance. Soon, he felt the shorter man give in and wrap his arms around him. Frank rubbed his back comfortingly as he shook.
“Gee...you make it so hard for me to trust you. I don't think I...ok, listen, I'm gonna stay,” Gerard pulled back, ecstatic with relief. He leaned forward to kiss Frank with as much passion as he felt, but was rejected. “I'm gonna stay as your friend, Gerard. I can't handle a relationship with you right now. You know I love you with all my heart, but until we get all this shit worked out, I'm just your friend. Well, your best friend.”
Gerard's eyes were hurt as Frank broke their awkwardly short embrace. But he understood. He loved Frank and would do anything for him. If that meant gritting his teeth, and trooping through this as just friends, he would do it.
He held back any tears that threatened to fall and instead forced a smile, “Thanks, Frank. I just need you here for me...because I'm gonna call up a shrink tomorrow.”
Frank's jaw dropped and he let out a squeal of excitement. He threw his arms around Gerard's neck and spun around. Thank God. He couldn't wait until his boyfriend... well, friend got better and could kiss him again with those soft pink lips.
~*~
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, this couldn't be happening.
Gerard anxiously fidgeted as he sat in a soft chair, outside the therapist's office. Although Frank was currently right next to him, he knew that once the doctor called his name, he would have to go in there alone. His brow was laced with sweat and he tried to loosen his tie, but it just made him cough.
“Dude, calm down! You're gonna be fine,” Ray assured him.
It was like a whole party in here, to support him. Bob, Ray, Frank, Mikey, and even his mother were there, standing in the waiting room, giving him the occasional pep talk or assuring glance. He supposed it should have made him feel loved, but it made him a nervous wreck. They would all be watching when he walked in there. And he would, undoubtedly, freak out and trip over something. He twiddled his thumb and moved around some more. No matter what, he couldn't make himself comfortable in that goddamned chair.
“Mr. Way?”
“What?!” Gerard yelped and stood up as if he was in the military.
The blonde woman who had called his name looked bewildered, “Ummm, Doctor Mayfield will see you now.”
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...
He cursed silently to himself as he walked to where the lady stood. He turned around to see everybody giving him encouraging smiles, but he feared that he was going to pass out. Gulping, he pivoted back around.
“Gee, wait!” he heard a voice call.
He looked back and saw Frank speed-walking towards him, “Umm, I just wanted to say good luck. And I'm really proud of you for doing this.”
Gerard let out a dry laugh, “Hah. I know. Thanks.” Frank didn't walk back yet, so he waited for him to say something else. When he didn't, Gerard spoke up, “Uh, so I'm gonna go now, okay?”
Frank nodded, and then blushed. He chewed on his lip, thinking hard. Then, without further ado, he grabbed Gerard's face, smashing their lips together. He giggled against the kiss, before pulling away. His face felt hot.
Gerard smirked, “Just friends, huh?”
Frank shrugged, blushing, “It was a...a friendly kiss! Uh...now, get outta here, man! You got a lot of shit wrong with you!”
Gerard let out a satisfied breath, and walked through the door into the doctor's office. His original plan was to have his eyes squeezed shut, just to calm the nerves. However, he had realized that it was never a good idea to jump into things with his eyes closed. So, he bravely kept his eyes open and marched on forward. He knew this was the right thing to do; like Frank said, he had a lot of shit wrong with him.
THE END!
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