- An interesting concept Naruto as a Puppet-Master and Naruto as evil is something i wouldn't mind reading either, everyone seems to paint him as innocence incarnate.
I have a few issues with cannon though:
1. I can't imagine Sasori leaving only a single trap that anyone with a gas-mask could get through. I would expect multiple-layered traps.
2. Sasori fiercely guarded his secrets, I can't see him willingly giving them out to anyone random who can read... i laughed a little that he signed his letter 'sincerely'. its just a little ooc
3. you say that Sasori was legendary in Konoha, but in the series Naruto has never heard of him even at 15.
4. the kyubi says that kage bunshin is the same as bunshin in ease... but its clearly labeled a dangerous Jonin-level jutsu in the series/manga.
I like the dialog it was pretty smooth-flowing and the scenery and characters though they lacked much description fit the story provided logical foreshadowing of the rest of the plot.
I'm kinda ocd when it comes to grammar; I don't know if you are but I'll go ahead and add these things I caught while reading and you can fix them if you like:
1. "it didn't take long for the civilians to catch up to them."
seems naruto is the only one being chased so it should be 'him'
2. "couldn't have abandoned me an empty house."
"in an empty house"
[the next two are story-inconsistencies]
1. "melted off the epidermis leaving just the inner layer"
there are 3 layers of skin, he would have had the dermis visible the 2nd layer.
the body of an eight-year old."
previously you said Nar wanted to be a hero 'for all six years of his life' all six implies he is 6 now.
Okay that's all I have for negativity lol, you can certainly quite easily edit or make slight changes that would enhance the experience of your story which looks to be taking a very interesting turn into the narutoverse. I enjoyed reading your story, it didn't bore me for a second, I hope you'll continue to write, and I hope you won't take the small criticisms I made personally as they are only meant to help you improve in your writing style.
Hope to see more!
Author's responseSorry, it's been awhile since I've received this. The criticism is welcome, as I don't get much of it on fanfiction . net.
Most of the grammer issues I had, and the skin error was fixed before I put it on fanfiction. The one I posted on here must have been the unedited one, so thanks for informing me.
The age problem was also fixed in my other version.
Now to comment on Sasori. Sasori in my fic is arrogant. REALLY arrogant. He's pretty much saying that he's the best there ever will be. He hasn't left the secrets of the human puppets there, anyway. All he really did was gather lots of information and make it easy to access.
As for Naruto not hearing about him. Naruto hadn't heard of Jiraiya at first. He was pretty ignorant of lots of things.
As for the ease of Kage Bunshin. He meant in DOING it. Not the massive chakra risk of it. He was basically commenting on the fact that if you had enough chakra, it's easy to use.
Other jutsu are much more complicated. Having to make sure your throat doesn't get burned when using fire jutsu, making sure it doesn't explode in your face, etc.
I'll go on and clean this up sometime soon, and do the same to the next chapter before posting.
P.S. As for details, I'm just starting writing, so I'm pretty much gaining experience. Thanks for the tips.
- i was going to comment on just about the same mistakes, so i dont think you need to hear it twice lol, but good job i really like this! i can't wait till read more of it too!
I can't get on fanfiction.net where i currently am living (at a trade school) becuse it's blocked, so hopfully you update it on here! i can only read on basically everything but actual fanfiction.net....le sigh...it sucks so much...
anywhooo update soon please and thank you
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