Frank POV. What was the outcome of the kiss and what will happen next?
My whole body was tingling; palms sweaty; a riot of a heart beat inside of me which, was all down to Gerard kissing and pulling me closer to him so our chests were pressed against each other, as if we were moulding into one perfect dough.
His intentions and moves surprised me when he cupped my face in his hands and brought me towards him to delve thoughtfully on his soft lips.
In the moment, I felt weak at the knee’s thinking I was going to collapse but only Gerard was there to hold me.
Fireworks of many colours and patterns were bursting in my mind, expressing the happiness and shock that I was conjuring up. I was never good with surprises.
I pulled back trying not to spoil the moment yet feeling a sneak suspicion that this was it. This was all that was going to happen and nothing else would come, just a kiss.
“No Frank, I can’t do it… what was I even thinking? You’re my best friend for crying out loud! I’m… I’M NOT GAY!” Gerard was panicking and regretting our kiss, his words felt like hundreds of bullets tearing through the outer layers of my heart; a heart that was once over-flowing with joy and happiness because of Gerard. But now, now it only over-flowed with a numb sceptic, making me feel nothing other than the sudden rush of tears building up in my eyes; ready to pour out.
Gerard wasn’t facing me; I don’t think he could handle to even look at my face right now.
He was leaning his forehead against the wall, probably thinking to himself of what a terrible mistake he made to even comfort his best friend; only to go too far and break the barrier across us only I could ever imagine being broken and ignored.
I tried not to let the tears escape but it was hopeless, I stood behind Gerard silently crying, the feeling of everything crashing down on me because I told the truth and went with my heart was disappointing as well as crushing.
All I want is to be happy; living on cloud 9 every day; a bucket of glee in the pit of my stomach always collecting more making the smile on my face bigger and brighter.
The feeling of never having anything to put me down; anxiety being pushed away because it wasn’t wanted or needed; the feeling of being wanted by someone I loved who would love me back and feel the same way I did, the same way I’ve been feeling for so many years – keeping it a secret to myself and no one else because I knew if I told him then he would disown me and hate me for being myself; for loving him more than a best friend.
But of course I couldn’t have that; I wasn’t allowed to be happy and loved back.
I always knew God hated me somehow. Maybe because I wasn’t like the other humans he placed on earth to make a difference, because I fell for someone completely different and in the wrongness way possible.
After a while of sniffling and hating myself, Gerard turned around to face me; looking like he’d been thinking long and hard and hopefully made a conclusion; being right or wrong.
I looked up into his glowing hazel eyes; searching for some hope that he takes everything he said back and makes me smile.
“I’m sorry for shouting at you, but I honestly mean what I said. I don’t want to lose my best friend over a kiss, it was the moment which made me do it and I was confused with what you confessed to me and how I was feeling after. I’m not going to let any kiss break us apart; I want to stay friends. I hope I haven’t made you hate me because I wouldn’t be able to stand you upset or anything along those lines. I’m – I’m sorry” then he walked away and out the door with nothing else more to say.
He wanted to stay friends, just friends.
I couldn’t move my body, I was shocked to the core and extremely upset; tears gliding down my face and I could feel a large lump in my throat.
All I wanted to do was break down crying; not to feel anything anymore but the silence of sleep.
Finally, I snapped and fell down to my knees, grasping my hair in my hands harshly whilst groaning and screaming out all my anger and self-pity.
I felt so numb, so numb there was only one thing I could think about.