Frank Iero, apparently, knows everything and anything there is to know about girls and dating. Oneshot.
"You gotta love a woman like she was your mom, your family," Frank said, hands rubbing together enthusiastically. No one even dared to think about what he was thinking. "You gotta-"
"What?" Mikey interrupted, a sour look wiped across his face. "Love her like my mom?"
Frank's scowl went unnoticed as red, blue and purple lights flashed in the three men's faces, temporarily blinding them. Once they could all see again, Frank sighed heavily, "Theoretically, Mikey boy. Theoretically. You love your mom more than anyone in the world.. You gotta love your girl like that, too."
Gerard and Mikey pulled out their pads from their back pockets and scrawled down what Frank said, tongues poking out as they wrote.
Frank's eyes lay on a girl and her friends, sitting at a lone table in the corner, all eating Nachos.
"You can tell a lot by a woman by the way she eats. Does she scarf it down? Eat it as if it were going to kill her? Wait a few minutes before taking another bite?" Frank started. He ran a hand through his hair and winked at some girls as they walked past, who giggled and increased their pace. Frank continued, "If she doesn't do any of that, I'd say she's a keeper."
Bob crossed his arms and rolled his eyes, snorting.
"But what if she's selfconcious? Hates the food she's eating? Thinks she's fat? Loves food?" Mikey persisted.
Gerard elbowed his brother sharply, whom let out a low squeak, and said, "Frank knows what he's talking about. Just listen and shut up!"
"Frank knows nothing!" Bob shouted suddenly, "stop worshiping him like he''s Jesus or some shit. Fuck!"
Bob stormed off into the crowd of dancing people.
Gerard called after him, "Frank knows everything! AND HE'S JESUS TO ME!"
After hearing this, Frank nodded appreciatively, and pointed over to the girls. "The only decent girl there is sitting the furthest away from us, and we gotta love that one like she's our moms. Gerard, go over there and talk to her."
Gerard's eyes widened and he went to refuse, but Frank snapped his fingers so he did as instructed.
He only said a few words, which were an atrocious pick up line Frank had told him. "Hey, are you a chicken farmer? Because you're raising my coc-" before her tongue was down his throat.
Frank coughed and straightened himself out, mumbling, "I thought he'd get rejected.." Then, he walked over to the bar and ordered two vodka shots. In the meantime, his eyes searched over the club again, only to find Mikey's arm being stroked by some girl. The one who ate like there was no tomorrow!
"MIKEY!" he shouted, pointing to the ground next to him.
Mikey was a bullet as he ran over, eyes wide with what was obvious girl-haze syndrome. That was Frank's name for it; when a male gets seduced by a female. Much like the lioness and the lion.
Not that Frank watched documentaries.. Especially the mating ones. Nu-uh.
Blushing, Mikey squeaked, "Sorry!"
Frank shrugged off his apology. "She was a scarfer! She'd cost you money. Be glad I got you outta there!" he said, then swallowed his two vodka shots, one after the other, trying to ignore their furious burn as it attacked the back of his throat. He's only had his tonsils out the other week; idiot!
Frank's hazel eyes, looking rather perverted and seducing, scanned up and down the bar, until the came to rest on a girl with long, tumbling, black hair, wearing a pair of Dr. Martins. She was a girl for Mikey, all right. "Her," Frank stated, grinning. "Mikey, buy her a drink anonymously."
Mikey's already-awkward knees shook beneath him and he said, "nu-uh. She mightn't like what I get her."
But, as the light shone over the girls smooth skin, he perked up, absorbed in another wave of girl-haze syndrome. She had bright eyes and long, pale legs, with a lip piercing and dark makeup. In two simple words; Mikey-likey! "O-okay.." he said shakily. "What should I get her?! Vokda and lemonade? Apple cider? beer? Sex on the beach?"
Frank scoffed. "That's a bit too extreme for a first date. You gotta treat a girl right! Love her, care for her, help her, respect her."
Mikey's eyes widened and he shook his head rapidly. "That's not what I meant!" he squeaked. His head stopped moving, eyes plastered to the girl. "Sex on a beach is a drink.. I think it's what she's drinking..."
Frank nodded and smirked, claiming, "An obvious sign she wants to get laid tonight."
"Y-you think?!" Mikey's eyes widened. "B-but I don't..?!"
Frank thrust the drink into Mikey's hands. "Go give it to her, we're not gonna do it anonymously anymore."
Mikey shook his head once, but then he looked to the bodacious girl, sighed and nodded. He walked over, rather bowlegged, put on his best smile and stopped beside the girl, saying, "H-hey! I'm Mikey.."
The girl looked over to him, brown eyes glistening with the purple light as it shone in them, and said, "Alicia. What's that?" She pointed to the drink.
"For you..?" Mikey said uneasily, holding out the drink to her with a shaking hand. His skin paled dramatically and he mustered a simper.
"Me?!" Alicia asked brightly, accepting the drink with ease. "You haven't drugged it..?"
Mikey's eyes widened in horror. "What? No! I would never-"
He was cut off by Alicia's giggles. "I was joking. Sit down," she smiled.
Frank watched the scene with more horror than a hunter facing a hungry lion. "Huh," he said. "Am I the only one who can't get laid?!"
Just as he said that, a girl, with short, black hair and soft brown eyes walked in front of him, but she stopped and looked to him. "Sorry?" she asked.
Frank thought she was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. If fact, he didn't even care if she scarfed down her meals. She could be his mom and he wouldn't care.
He sure as hell would treat her like it.
So, Frank being Frank, widened his eyes and froze on the spot. "F-Frank," he spluttered stupidly, before flushing an embarrassing shade of red and running out of the club.
The girl, who if Frank stayed there a little longer would've found out was called Jamia, giggled to herself and said, "Maybe that's why."
She wasn't aware that the man called Frank, who couldn't get laid, watched her from the club's window the whole night, especially as she went home with Bob hooked on her arm.
Well life just wasn't fair.
Haha, what do we all think?! So urm.. yeah. Review? Rate? Yay? XD