18- Watch Me Burn
This would be my mistake.
-You're Not Quite Satan But I Really Think I Hate You.-
"Recovering, eh?" Hayley asked, sliding in to the booth across from Gerard.
"It's an ongoing thing." Gerard slurred, drops of liquid splattering on to the table.
"Why are you here?" Hayley asked. She wasn't nearly buzzed enough to overlook what this meant for Gerard.
"I could ask you the same thing." Gerard replied, taking a long drink as if savoring each drop of the liquid that poured down his throat. Once done he let out a sigh of happiness, relaxing against his seat.
Hayley grabbed Gerard's drink from him, pushing it as far away from him as she could. She stared in to his eyes, knowing there was no reasoning with him. He was clearly drunk. "I'm taking you home." She finally said, finding no other option.
Gerard shook his head, "I don't wanna go."
Hayley sighed, not wanting to make a scene in the bar. "Come on Gerard. Either that or I'll call Mikey and have him take you home." She threatened, despising the fact that he was here drinking. He seemed so in control. What would this mean for Frank, who seemed so out of control? Most of Hayley's confidence in Frank's rehab had been from Gerard's own experience of overcoming drug and alcohol abuse.
Gerard stood, with surprising poise. "Fine, come on."
Hayley understood that Gerard could be dangerous, but she never realized that he had the potential to be more dangerous than Frank had been. With Frank there was a tiny spark of love, fueling his attacks. With Gerard... There was no love, there was just the alcohol.
"So, I turn here?" I asked, nervously glancing at Gerard.
He seemed to have sobered up quite quickly, it was almost unreal. His eyes hadn't left me, the staring was making me more and more nervous, with each twist and turn my car took. Why was he staring? Was he still drunk, just really good at hiding it? I wasn't sure on either answer.
Gerard smiled, but it wasn't friendly. "Yeah, it's right up here."
I turned once more, going up a drive-way. "So, you don't live in an apartment?" I asked, trying to start conversation. The silence was a little unnerving.
"I prefer not to have neighbors getting in to my business." Gerard said, coming off creepy.
I parked, hoping for Gerard to just disappear. We could put this behind us, never talking about it again. I knew it wouldn't be that simple though. He'd broken his sobriety. What did that mean for him now? Surely nothing good. "Do you... need help inside?"
"Sure Sugar, you gonna help me?" Gerard breathed out, leaning towards me.
His words took on a teasing tone, making me feel insignificant and his breath stank badly of alcohol... strengthening my resolve. "Yeah, I am going to help you." I said, forcing the confidence I needed to join him inside.
Gerard opened the car door and stepped out, waiting for me. I stepped closer to him, finding myself drawn to his darkened eyes. They were... alluring. "I'm going to help you." I told him, feeling as if I were trying to convince myself with each word.
"Just like you're going to help Frank?" Gerard asked, placing his arm carelessly over my shoulders.
I said nothing, knowing he was doubting me. I really had no way to defend myself when I was also doubtful that I'd be able to help Frank. The doubt wasn't fair however, and Frank definitely didn't deserve to deal with it. So, instead I opted to stay silent.
Once Gerard's front door closed behind us he let go of me, pulling his shirt off. I watched, unsure as to what I should be doing. How does one help a fallen addict? I'd never looked in to that, seeing as how before tonight I'd never been in the position.
"This is... a nice place." I said, quite awkwardly.
Gerard grinned, nodding. "You're really pretty, you know that Hayley?" He stepped closer.
I stood in place, attempting to make the confidence I'd faked before reappear. "Um, thank you..."
"No. Thank you." Gerard responded, his voice lowering. "I'd like to help you, since you were so kind when you decided you'd help me."
"Help me?" I choked out. "I don't... I don't need help."
"You want to help Frank, don't you?" Gerard asked, smiling again.
I nodded, watching him.
He leaned behind him, searching through a cupboard.
I watched as he pulled out a bottle. "Well, I'm going to help you out. You're going to have to have a taste..." He gestured at the bottle, "Of what you're getting yourself in to."
I stepped away, shaking my head. "I don't want whatever is in that bottle."
"This bottle holds confidence, that you severely lack. Look at you shake like a goddamn leaf." Gerard growled, stepping closer. "It holds happiness, which you'll never have without Frank; Or so you think." He shook his head. "You're both so fucking stupid. So goddamn stupid."
I cried out as Gerard's fingers found my hair, gripping me by it tightly.
"This bottle holds everything you're fighting against, everything that Frank is going to resist. He'll fall again though, we all do. Are you ready for that?" Gerard asked, his tone becoming darker.
"He won't." I said, finding that Gerard was making me angry. "He's not you." I spit out. "Not everyone is like you Gerard. You fell because you weren't strong enough. Frank is stronger than you."
Gerard laughed, and any sanity I'd seen behind his eyes before tonight left him. "I've been in love." Gerard said, seeming to find the subject amusing. "But you know what I didn't do Hayley?"
"What?" I whispered, not sure I wanted to hear anything he had to say.
"I didn't hurt her physically. Sure, my words might have stung when I broke up with her but... I never raped her. I never caused her the pain Frank caused you." So, that hurt... quite a bit. "I didn't want to hurt her, so I didn't. Despite any fucking drugs I took, or any alcohol I consumed... I still didn't hurt her because I was strong enough to deny myself that pleasure. So, I left that bitch alone. Did Frank leave you alone? Was Frank strong enough to stay away from you?"
"I don't care." I said, crossing my arms over my chest. "I don't care what he's done. It doesn't matter anymore."
"Then why were you in that bar?" Gerard asked, hitting every fucking spot that hurt.
"Why were you?" I shot back, aware of just how lame I sounded.
"Because of this." Gerard shoved the bottle in my face, "Because I'm addicted. Addictions never end." He tilted the bottle over my face, letting the liquid fall over my face. I closed my eyes, trying not to breath.
Gerard pressed the empty bottle against my face roughly, "You wanna know what being with Frank is going to be like?" He all but yelled.
"Yeah." I weakly replied, realizing that I didn't want Gerard to stop. I wanted to be strong because I knew there was a strong chance that this would happen again, but with Frank instead. I couldn't fall apart again. I couldn't let it get the best of me. I needed to be strong. Was this the best way? No, but it was the only way I knew of to become a stronger person.
Gerard seemed a little caught off guard but his hesitation only lasted a second and then he was roughly pulling me down the hallway, both of us falling silent. We both stopped outside of what I assumed was his bedroom door.
I noticed that Gerard's hand was beginning to shake, as he held on to my arm. His grip loosened as he reached out, and turned the knob. Once the door was open I saw in to his tidy bedroom but neither of us moved.
Then I looked up, to see Gerard staring at me. "We... don't have to." He finally said. I found myself caught in his eyes, which were completely trained on me. They now looked more tortured, as if he were scared as well. "I've never forced a girl before and I don't plan on doing that tonight."
I nodded, "I'm not saying no."
"Earlier... I was wrong. I shouldn't have acted like that..." His voice broke.
"Don't." I pleaded, placing my hand against his bare chest. "Don't apologize to me."
"I just want you to be..."
"You want me to be an asshole?" Gerard asked, baffled.
"Yeah." I meekly responded.
Gerard stared at me for a few minutes before speaking again, "Are you sure?"
"I'm sure." I said, finding that the confidence had returned.
"There is no turning back from this if we- if we do this." He couldn't find the right words so he settled upon being vague.
"I was counting on it."
"Welcome to my bedroom then." Gerard said, pushing me forward.
I was caught off guard but I didn't fall, instead walking forward quickly.
Gerard walked in after me, slamming the door behind him.
I watched him search for something, extremely horrified when he pulled out a white baggy. He smiled at me, a smug expression over his face. "Want some?" I remembered Frank offering me the drugs... They were supposed to help me; They didn't.
"No." I whispered, looking away.
Once Gerard was done he giggled, "What's wrong Sugar? You're acting shy suddenly."
I sat on Gerard's bed, still not looking at him. "Are we going to do this or what?" I asked, trying to toughen my tone.
Gerard laughed again, "You're so fucking adorable when you try to play tough." He said, sitting next to me.
I glared in to his eyes, "You keep breaking what's been fixed. How can you be so fucking stupid?"
Gerard's eyes narrowed, "I know what you're trying to do. You don't have to make me angry Hayley, I'm already a very, very angry person."
I leaned forward, pressing my lips against Gerard's. "Show me." This would be my mistake. I wasn't a prostitute but I was no longer innocent either. After tonight that would be proven. What was I trying to prove? I wasn't really sure, I never had been. In my mind things didn't quite make sense, they hadn't for awhile. When Frank left everything fell apart, when he returned... I found out that finding out the truth isn't the worst part. Things weren't magically fixed. I was still fucked up. Frank was still fucked up. Gerard... was still fucked up.
Could any of us be saved?
"Gladly." Gerard replied, his voice filled with lust. I didn't cringe as he pulled my head back by my hair, forcing me to look at him. My lips parted as he kissed me once again but the kiss didn't last. He pulled away, laughing again. "You're such a fucking easy slut." But I wasn't, not usually.
"Fuck me already." I commanded, surprised with my own words.
"No." Gerard said, grinning at my frown. "You'd like that too much. I'm going to make you work for it." And work I did.
(If this didn't make complete sense then I wrote it right. =D Anyone still reading this? Believe me, I did not abandon it. It's just been tough getting time to write everything lately.)