26- Black Out
Spencer, I love you.
It’s me, mom. Oh boy, you have no idea how weird it is to write that down while looking across the room at your perfect sleeping face. I still don’t feel like a mom. I expected something wonderful to happen; I expected that after giving birth to you I would… change, become motherly instantly. Evidently it’s not that easy, or so I’ve learned. You’re going to hate me for this and I completely understand that but just remember; I do love you.
I have my bags packed and I’m ready to go. I can only hope your father does everything to shelter your heart from this pain. I know he’ll make something up, just so that I can disappear. Sometimes adults just do things that aren’t easily explained. They aren’t always right, nor are they always wrong. This world isn’t as white and black as those around us try to make it out to be.
The thing is… I’ve fallen in love with another man; a man who takes my breath away and makes me laugh. It’s a laugh I’ve never laughed before and when I’m with him I feel brand new. The truth is my romance with your father died the day I got pregnant. It wasn’t something either of us were prepared for, though we’re both very grateful for you. Our relationship has always been like flames, burning down everything around us. The problem with that is that our flames are beginning to affect you and I know if I stay you won’t be happy, how could you be with all of the fighting, so constant and painful?
It’s not easy for a mother to leave her child. It’s not easy for me to explain my decision, because I know nothing will ever make it sound like a good decision, because it really isn’t but it’s still my decision and it’s for you.
I care about your dad so much, and I see his smile upon your lips every single day. I know that smile will live beyond this letter because you’re strong. Your father likes to say that you get that from me but that’s not true. You get that from yourself. You were the glue that kept us together for this long but neither of us can live with breaking you apart for our own sake.
I love you.
Forever and always,
Tears dripped down my cheeks, on to my lips. I didn’t even feel the pain of my stab wound any longer, another stronger pain growing inside of me. The letter was so… unsatisfying, the void growing bigger. She just left? My father said she’d died. There was another page. I turned to it hesitantly. How much more could my heart take?
I know someday I’ll have to give you the letter your mother wrote you. I’ve kept it from you for longer than she would’ve liked. I was supposed to give it to you on your 16th birthday. She figured you’d be old enough to understand then.
The thing is not everything went as planned and I made a deadly mistake. Each night I looked at your perfect angelic face I broke apart, missing your mother more than I could ever explain. The pain grew and eventually the only thing that could make it go away was the alcohol, and even that soon lost it’s ability to make me feel better.
Then I saw you for the first time ever.
You looked just like her.
And I’m so afraid that someday I’ll hurt you; really hurt you. I’m afraid that I can’t last for much longer. I’m afraid of this monster inside of me and I wish I could turn away from it but it’s stronger than I am. Then again I’ve never really been strong at all.
I hope that if you’re reading this I’m dead. I’ve tried so many times to kill myself, for your sake. Each night I lost the courage, the alcohol not enough to allow me to pull the trigger.
I love you baby. I love you more than life itself but I’m a weak man.
I need you to know that I lied to keep you safe. Your mother died four years after she left. Her and her boyfriend got in to a car accident, and neither survived.
I’m so sorry; you deserved so much better from both of us.
The pain that continued to rip through me was indescribable. Why even give me the letters at all? I would have been much better off without reading their worthless reasoning.
The real truth was neither of my parents ever actually loved me more than they loved each other and because of their own pain I was torn apart; their drama saving me from nothing.
I glanced towards the door of the barn, knowing I would eventually die. Damien and I couldn’t run forever and soon he would realize that.
Or maybe he’d just realize what everyone else had come to understand; I wasn’t worth love, even love so expertly faked.
Oh Spencer, at least you don’t have to see me like this.
At least you’re safe and sound; far from this entire situation.
“Spencer! Spencer, calm down!” Ryan yelled in to my ear, throwing his arms around me. I broke from his embrace, glaring at him through tear filled eyes.
“How can I?” I cried out, pain etched in to my words. “They can’t find her and I can’t live without her.”
Ryan’s eyes widened, “Don’t say that.” He begged, fingers clenching as he made a fist, unable to express his own pain.
We were all so broken. At least Kade didn’t hide it. I didn’t want to hide it anymore either. “I love her.” I whispered, looking past Ryan and out the window of my apartment. It felt weird being here without her, and all I could think of was the last time we’d been here when the painful news had been broken to me. I glared at Ryan, “Why didn’t you tell me?” I could have saved her. “Why didn’t you tell me that he raped her?” The words were vulgar, the meaning coming to life through my words. I didn’t want to say it again and I didn’t think I could.
“She needed to be the one to tell you.” Ryan whispered. “She needed to come to terms with it on her own. Don’t you see that’s the only way she could heal?”
I shook my head, “But I- I-“ Ryan was right. Too bad I’d reacted in the wrong way, gotten myself thrown in jail, and gotten Kade thrown in to the line of fire all over again.
How could I mess things up so badly?
I dropped the gun I’d been holding on to, having bought it long ago for protection. Ryan gasped and grabbed for it before it fell to the ground. The safety was on though. I hadn’t made it far enough to actually try to shoot myself before Ryan had come through the door.
“Spencer, you need to listen to me.” Ryan’s calm voice broke through my damaging line of thought and I focused on his voice, trying to shove the guilt away. “Kade isn’t dead yet. It’d be selfish to do this to her now. If she were to come back from all of this, just to face your death, how the hell do you think that would make her feel?”
Ryan was right.
“Take it.” I whispered, through a constricted throat. “I won’t try to kill myself. I know I need to be here for her.” But if she dies then I’ll die too.
Ryan nodded, gently setting the gun on to the counter. He pulled his cell phone out, glancing at me with worry. “I’m calling Jon. He’s going to have to come watch you because I can’t trust you to be alone.” I couldn’t trust myself either.
I just wanted Kade to be okay and until I knew she was then I wouldn’t be.
This bitter situation was going to ruin us all.
Damien still hadn’t come inside and I knew he was probably waiting outside for me, giving me as much privacy as he could afford too. He was a good guy; simply poisoned by my family’s insanity.
He was also obviously a little unbalanced himself so I knew he wouldn’t just let me walk away from this. I took a small tour of the barn, using the lamp to guide me. There had to be something somewhere around here. Finally I spotted it. The light glinted off of it and my hands grasped on to it, my blood still smeared upon it.
The knife felt good in my hands. It was good but bad at the same time. Damien had let his guard down because he liked me, in his own sick way. I looked towards the door again, holding my breath. I’d better be right about this… otherwise I’d be with my mother shortly.
The breath was torn from my lips as the knife tore through my skin, in to my stomach. I pushed a little harder, knowing the wound would have to be bad to get Damien’s attention.
If I was dying then maybe, just maybe… he’d let me go, because I’d need medical attention.
As I pulled the knife out I cried out, blood spilling from the wound. “Damien!” I called out, my throat burning with pain. Or was that pain in my stomach? Probably my stomach but it was hard to tell.
I saw Damien enter the barn, his eyes wide with fright. The pain was growing, my vision getting fuzzy. Had I let the knife go too deep?
Spencer, I love you.
The words clung to my lips but I couldn’t force them out, knowing it wouldn’t matter anyway. Spencer was far from here, somewhere safe. That’s where I wanted him to be; I wanted him to be safe more than I wanted anything else.
“No.” Damien held me in his arms, his warmth feeling good. “No damn it.” He pulled a cell phone out and I heard the click of buttons as I drifted away, blacking out from the pain.
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