"It’s me. I’m wearing all black – black shirt, black, tailored jacket, black pants. Everything’s black except one thing. The tie. Its white silk. I’m bent over the man, knife in hand cove...
Anywho, enjoy and shit.
Walking out the school gates I began to wonder if I was doing the right thing. I knew Mikey was going to be seriously pissed off at me for leaving not even half-way through the first day. If he told mom then I’m totally fucked. I kept telling myself that I didn’t need this, that I could just turn around and walk back inside those gates and everything would be okay. That I could say it was a mistake. But I knew I’d be lying. That I’d be regretting it later. I needed to see this guy as soon as possible, and it just so happened he was on his way into town.
Adam, a guy from my old town, was just passing through this place and needed to sort something out with me. Of course with our history, I had to agree. Adam wasn’t the type of guy you refused unless you wanted another scar added to your body. I’m already fucked up as it is, so I don’t really need another one for now. And anyway, I wanted to see him, he had the one thing I needed to escape my sad, pitiful life.
Crossing the street the local coffee shop came into view and I stepped inside. To be honest this was the last place I expected Adam to want to meet with me. He usually preferred to do his business in the back allies and street corners of New Jersey at night time, where he couldn’t be easily seen. He never did business in a coffee shop… Unless he wasn’t doing business and was coming here to quit with me. No, he couldn’t be quitting with me, I was a loyal customer… Wasn’t I?
Biting back the panic that was rising in my stomach I went and ordered a coffee since Adam hadn’t arrived yet. I sat in the booth that was furthest away from the cashier and took out my iPod. Glancing around the coffee shop I noticed that the place was practically empty besides an elderly couple in the far left corner. I let out a frustrated sigh and hoped Adam was here to do business.
Two cups of coffee later, I rose to leave. Adam was hardly coming now. I was lied to, fooled into sitting in a coffee shop like a fool for an hour and a half. Nothing new there, then. I was always going to be a loser. I heard the door chime open and a guy in a pair of blue, ripped jeans, a hoodie and a baseball cap. Spotting me, he walked over and sat in the booth. His eyes were bloodshot and sore looking and his hands were trembling.
“Hey Gerard,” he mutters taking off his hat to expose shoulder length blonde hair. That was the first time I’d ever seen him hatless. It was quite unnerving.
“Hey man, what’s up?” I ask sitting back down. I didn’t really care what was up, I just wanted him to give me my shit, if he even had it, and go. Quick and easy. But of course, nothing can be that simple for me.
“So listen, I’m sorry I’m here so soon. I know you would probably be at school or something, so I’ll keep it quick.” He says and begins to fumble with a napkin. “Uh, I can’t just take an hour drive here every time you need something off me,” I feel my stomach drop. “But I can give you the number of a guy who does the same kinda shit as me.” He looks up from the napkin, expecting an answer. I simply nod.
Smiling he takes out a pen and scribbles something down on the napkin.
“His name is Bert. He lives around this place, so he’ll be able to sort ya out quicker than me.” He passes me the napkin. “Tell him that I’ve sent you, okay? And don’t piss him off, Gee. He isn’t like me. He likes his cash upfront and doesn’t mess around. He just likes to get on with it,” he smiles at me again and I smile back. As crazy as it sounds, I was actually gonna miss this guy.
“Thanks man, I really appreciate this,” I say. And I really did. Who knows what I could’ve gotten myself into trying to find a guy like him here. I’m sure none of the guys at school would be into that kinda shit anyways. They’re not screw-ups. They don’t depend on it like its oxygen.
“Alrighty then, I better get going. Wanna beat traffic,” he stands and I see a flash of the old Adam I knew before this destructive habit took over his life. The one I got along with so well that we both started questioning our feelings about each other. But that quickly vanished since I can’t be gay. I don’t need another reason for my dad to share how much of a screw up I was. He never believed me though; he said I was just faking it. I’m still not sure if I was faking it or not.
Mirroring him, I stand up. We first shake hands but Adam suddenly engulfs me in a massive hug.
“Be careful Way,” he chokes and then pushes something into my hand. “On the house, yeah?” he breaths. I smile and say my thanks and he steps back.
“Nice workin’ with ya, Way. See you around hopefully.” And with that, he walks out.
Sitting back down in the booth I shove the envelope into my bag and read the napkin again. Written in Adams handwriting was the name ‘Bert’ and ten little digits scrawled messily underneath it. My mind begins to wonder if I can trust this guy. The logical part screams no, but the fucked-up, twisted side tells me I’d be okay…
I decided to head to the bathroom before I leave to check out what Adam had given to me. Locking the bathroom stall door, I spilled the contents of the a4 envelope out. There was three bottles of white pills, my usual, and a fake I.D. I shoved the pills into my bag and looked at the I.D. There was a photo taken from my school yearbook and my new age, 21. I really need to thank Adam for this big time.
Walking out of the coffee shop I decided I would just go home. School was almost finished and I had P.E. last period. I was planning on skipping that anyway. I hadn’t had a P.E. class in four years; I wasn’t going to start now. Nobody need’s to see a fat, clumsy oaf run around a field anyhow.
I was crossing the street to take my turn home when I noticed the liquor store. I wonder how effected the I.D. actually was and if it would work. I decided to test it out. What’s the worst that could happen, right?
Walking into the liquor store I squared my shoulders and walked to the back by the whiskey. Grabbing a bottle I headed back to the cashier and handed him my I.D. which he looked at sceptically, but gave me my booze anyway.
Once I was home I called out a ‘Hello’ knowing that I’d get no answer since mom was at work and Mickey at school. I kicked off my shoes and headed into the kitchen frowning at the bright, yellow walls. Opening the press, I grab a small glass and a comic book from the table leaving to go to my bedroom.
I threw my bag onto my unmade bed and sat at my desk. I still had a shitload of stuff to unpack and wasn’t in the mood. Resting my head on the desk, I try to think where I put all my art supplies. I start to repeatedly bang my head hoping that’ll jog my memory. It doesn’t.
Giving up on remembering I lie down on my bed. I suppose I could just go and search for them, but I can’t be bothered. It’s too much effort just to make some shitty-ass drawing. Looking up at the ceiling I wonder if I could paint it. The water stains are really off-putting. Looking around the room, I notice that the walls aren’t any better. Damn basement. I guess it just matches me then. Horrid, dark and the thing nobody wants.
I click ‘Play’ on the stereo next to me and let the familiar music drift out. Sitting up, I grab my bag and take out the booze and pills. My fingers shake as I open the pill bottle and swallow two. I wash them down with a swig of the whiskey, welcoming the familiar sensation of alcohol burning my throat.
I feel my body beginning to get fuzzy and I shove the pills and booze back into my bag, but not before taking another few gulps. I could feel my consciousness leaving me and smiled. I was just about to drift off fully when that Jess chick popped into my head. Before I could wonder why, I was already asleep.
I was standing in a meadow that had thick grass up to my ankles. I was seeing everything in black, white and grey. The sky was full of puffy, white marshmallow like clouds. Looking around the meadow, I noticed there was nothing around for miles except a hill that had a giant oak tree that was losing its leaves.
“Must be autumn,” I thought.
Next to the tree I saw a flash of white move. Curiosity getting the better of me, I began to make my way towards it. Halfway up the hill, I noticed the thing was actually a woman. She had short, white hair and was wearing a white bow. She had a white dress on that went down in a V in the top-half. The bottom was an ankle-length skirt that had layers of ruffles, the underside of each ruffle being black. There was a black shawl wrapped around her shoulders loosely. She looked like she was made from pure, white porcelain and was sitting underneath the giant oak alone on a white blanket. There was small, black leaves floating down delicately.
Her whole appearance contrasted greatly with the scenery surrounding her.
Once I was at the top, I noticed she was crying. Her white dress was torn and dirty and her hair a mess. There was black blood slowly oozing from a cut in her head.
I begin to walk faster towards her when I stop and gasp in horror. The front of her dress and hands were covered in black blood, her face was bruised and covered in tiny little cuts. There was the shape of hands around her neck and shoulders. It looked like someone had beaten her up pretty badly.
Panicking, I decide I should ask if she was okay.
“Excuse me, ma’am? Are you alright?” I ask. Her head snaps up in my direction and she glares. Whoa, her eyes are fucking amazing! They were oversized-like an anime girl- and her whole iris was black. She had long, white eyelashes like spider legs.
“You!” she hisses, standing up, wiping her blood-stained hands on her dress, “This is all your fault!” she all but screams, pointing a long, white finger at me.
“W-what?” I stutter stepping towards her. In reaction she steps back shaking her head. Turning her back to me, she walks around the oak tree, delicately like a ballerina. She was slowly and calmly as if she’s taunting me.
As we reach the other side of the tree, I choke back a scream. There was a man covered head-to-toe in the black blood like it was his skin colour. He was hanging from a single white, silk tie. His head was bowed and he swayed slightly from the breeze. He was holding an old, polaride camera in one hand and a silver, slick blade in the other.
I look over at the Porcelain Woman and she was staring at me.
“I didn’t do this,” I choke. She shakes her head pitifully.
“You killed him,” she says. She walks towards the body and picks up two photographs from underneath the camera. She hands me one. It’s of her and the dead man. They’re both sitting on the blanket, faces inches apart about to kiss. She hands me the other and a stare in a mix of shock and horror.
It’s me. I’m wearing all black – black shirt, black, tailored jacket, black pants. Everything’s black except one thing. The tie. Its white silk. I’m bent over the man, knife in hand covered in the ink like blood. I’m about to stab him again, even though he’s clearly dead. I throw both pictures to the ground.
“You’re wrong,” I whisper. She doesn’t respond, but keeps on walking slowly towards his body. “You’re wrong,” I repeat louder.
She grabs the knife and turns towards me. I hear my heartbeat in my ears and can feel the sob in my chest.
“Better get out while you can,” she murmurs softly, almost soothingly.
“No please! It wasn’t me!” I shout. Crying from pleading with her, I try to move but I’m paralysed.
She starts to walk towards me, agonisingly slow.
“And after all the blood that you still owe-" another step closer “-another dollar’s just another blow-“ she emphasised ‘blow’ and shoots me a disgusted look. Fuck. She knows. I drop to my knees and cry. “-So fix your eyes and get up-“she’s closer now. I can smell her flowery perfume. “-Better get up while you can!” There’s a flash of white and I’m blinded. She grabs my hair from behind, exposing my neck better and places the blade there. She glides it across. I try to scream but nothing comes out. Everything goes black.
Opening my eyes I panic until I realise I’m in my bedroom. Sighing in relief, I sit up. I can hear my heartbeat ringing in my ears and the walls are spinning. Groaning, I rest my head in between my knees and try to slow down me erratic breathing.
What the fuck did I just take?
Trying to convince myself it was only a dream I stand and try to make it to the bathroom, but my legs have seemed to turn to jelly.
Five minutes later, I crawl to the top of the stairs and stand up. Walking to the bathroom, I trip and fall.
Well done, fuckface. You’ve broken your legs.
No. They’re just over medicated.
Right, just keep telling yourself that, Starshine.
Starshine, WTF man?
Would you prefer Sparkles?
I’d prefer neither.
Tough cheddar, Starshine.
Smacking my forehead I try to shut the annoying voiced out when Mikey walks by. Stopping he stares at me, crumpled on the floor hitting myself.
Well maybe now he’ll see how fucked up I am and just leave me here to die.
“Oh Gee,” he sighs and sits beside me.
“I just tripped,” I mutter leaning back against the wall, unable to meet Mikeys stare.
“Whatever Gerard,” he mutters and stands. “I’m not telling Mom about today. She doesn’t deserve the worry. But if you do it again, I’ll have no hesitation.” He walks away muttering under his breath.
Looking up I see the hallway is empty so I stumble my way into the bathroom and lock the door.
I guess I can’t really blame Mikey, can I? It must be hard for him having a brother as fucked-up as I am. I’m nothing but a disgrace, a worthless piece of shit.
Before I know what I’m doing, I stick my fingers back my throat and throw up into the toilet. Nothing comes up but stomach acid, so I try again.
Flushing the toilet in disgust, I brush my teeth to get rid of that tell-tale smell, not once looking in the mirror that gleams back at me. I knew what would be there anyway. The same fat ‘emo’ kid that wore baggy hoodies to hide his disgraceful habit underneath.
Walking into the kitchen I frowned. I was hoping just to get coffee and leave, but since Mom and Mikey were there that obviously can’t happen. Mom was hunched over the stove stirring something in a pot and Mikey was reading a comic. They both looked so normal! They didn’t deserve some freak like me, wrecking their normalness.
“Gerard…?” my head snaps up towards Mikey’s voice. “Gee, are you okay?” His face is twisted into a worried frown. I realise I’ve been standing at the doorway staring at them both for five minutes. I nod and walk to the kettle turning it on.
I keep my gaze to the floor as mom began to talk.
“Gerard, honey! How was your day?” she asks her voice high and warm. I shrug and put coffee granules into a cup.
“Mikey tells me you’ve made new friends! Isn’t that great!” I look up and glare at Mikey who is still reading his comic. Fucking asshole. I clench my jaw and poured water into my cup and sat across from Mikey who peered over his comic at me. Seeing my major pissed-off expression quickly went back. I can be incredibly intimidation when I want to be.
I pick up a comic and begin to scan the pages, not really paying attention.
“I think it’s great anyways, it’ll do ye both the world of good to be out with people you’re own age,” she sighs and I feel her gaze on me. I focus harder on the comic. “Hey, we might even get the old Gee back, eh?” I can hear the hopefulness in her voice and it makes me want to punch Mikey in the face for opening his fucking mouth. He looks up and glares at mom, his eyes on fire.
“The old Gerard is right there, Mom.” He says bitterly. I let out something between a snort of disbelief and a laugh. Looking at me his expression softens. “He is,” he pushes at me. Damn Mikey and his assertiveness! I shift my gaze back to my comic.
“Hmm, okay then,” she says, doubt lingering in her words. “I’m sure your father will be glad with the news that everything’s good at school the first day,”
TRANSLATION: Gerard didn’t get the shit beat out of him… Partly because he wasn’t there, but what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.
It takes me a minute to realise what she said and my blood goes cold. Had I misheard?
“D-dad’s coming home?” I choke. Oh holy fuck in a burning church! Let me have misheard!
“Not for a few weeks. There’s a big deal upstate he wants to close,” she murmurs then stops stirring and faces me. “He was really worried about you Gerard, ya’know. He didn’t want to leave so soon after what happened, but he needed to. He really wanted to help us move in and things,” she lets out a frustrated sigh and looks at Mikey. “He mentioned he got you something for your bass, too,” she waves dismissively and turns back to her pot.
That’s when I remember that mom doesn’t fully know what happened. She thinks it was a bunch of junkie assholes mugging me down the back of an ally. Or the local school jocks. That’s why she made us move, so it wouldn’t happen again. But it would, and it was only a matter of weeks…
“I’m going to my room!” I squeak and rush out of the room. Halfway there, I trip on the carpet and face-palm the floor. Co-ordination is not one of my strong points…
“Mmmph,” I groan into the carpet. The smell makes me wanna gag, like seriously. Someone walks over to me and I wonder if it’s the Grim Reaper to take my legs since they’re pretty much useless anyways.
“You know one day your clumsiness is going to kill you” Mikey mutters and helps me up. “I suggest you work on it, Gee. Don’t want you dying on me,” he mutters and sighs. I look at him. His face is scrunched up in worry. I nod and begin to walk away but he grabs my hand and pulls me into a bone-crunching hug.
“I mean that, Gerard.” He whispers. I feel my throat beginning to close up and I nod into his shoulder. Pulling back, I try and smile and walk away.
I don’t deserve him. He’s to goddamn nice!
I stumble down the steps of my bedroom in a flurried rush and yank the door open. Running over to my bedroom, I uncap the pills and down a handful with a shot of whiskey. I don’t care if I see the porcelain women anymore. She’s better than the fact that I’m screwing up my little brothers life.
I feel the pills and booze kick in and lie on my bed. Soon, my eyelids are heavy and I’m drifting away, not caring that I’ve to go back to that hellhole tomorrow.
So... Whatcha think? PLEASE let me know! I'm like 'The Hungry Catterpillar' and reviews are my food... Sorry. No, rate and review, my pretties and recieve naked Frank! ;D (Did anyone buy Kerrang! this week, btw? Frank was the only guy with his shirt on. THE ONLY MOTHERFUCKING GUY! WTF, FRANK!
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