Frank and Mikey's reaction to the news...
By the way, kudos to anyone who notices the 'My Way Home Is Through You' reference towards the end of the chapter. :P
Title from Bullet For My Valentine, because they're welsh and awesome! I love them, kay?
Chapter 21- Suffocating Under Words Of Sorrow
For a second, my whole body freezes. From beside me, I can see Mikey drop his cup of coffee to the floor, covering our feet in the sticky brown liquid. I feel numb, unable to take in the information I was just given. Gerard was raped. My Gerard, my sweet innocent Gerard was raped.
As I think over this information, I feel my anger begin to build up inside me, threatening to explode. That bastard, that filthy fuck. How can anyone do that to another person? Completely take away their freedom, violate them in such a horrible way. It's sickening and he'd better hope that I never find out who he is. Because if I didn't want to kill him before, I definitely do now.
I feel a warmth spread over my hand and I look down to see that I've ripped a hole in my coffee cup. Overwhelmed with a hot flash of rage, I throw the cup against the wall, covering the pastel blue paint in coffee. My anger grows with each breath I take, and I just can't take it anymore.
"FUCK!!!!!!!" I scream, flinging myself at the wall and punching it repeatedly, emphasizing each hit with another scream of rage. My hand starts to feel numb as I begin to see spots of blood cover the wall. This doesn't stop me though, I need to get my anger out somehow. It's driving me insane! I pull my fist back yet again, only to feel myself being lifted away from the wall from behind. "Get the fuck off me!"
"Frank, stop! You're gonna hurt yourself!" The person holding me back turns out to be Bob.
"I don't give a shit, it's driving me insane!" I feel the tears of anger spring up behind my eyes, and I blink furiously to try and keep them at bay.
"Frank, please! Just stop it." He's holding me by the waist now, restricting my arms. I heave a sigh of defeat and stop attempting to escape his grip. I feel my feet touch the floor as Bob releases me, staying close by in case I do something stupid.
Suddenly all of my anger dissolves into sorrow and I collapse to the floor with a loud sob, the tears no longer able to hide. I can't even begin to imagine how alone Gerard must have felt with that monster. I wasn't there to protect him, I didn't make things better for him.
I open my eyes and sit up, looking around at each person standing before me. They're all looking at me with worried expressions on their faces, and I feel guilty for acting so dramatic. This isn't about me. It's about Gerard. I run a hand through my hair and wipe my eyes. Oh shit, my hand is bleeding and my finger's sticking out weirdly. Ah, fuck it. I want to see my Gee. I stand up, taking a deep breath and looking toward Stevie.
"Did you say I could go in and see him?" I smile at her, my voice cracking as I try not to break down again.
"Y-yes. Uh, yes you can. Only one at a time though." I frown and turn to Mikey, who is still stood there motionless.
"Mikes, do you mind if I go in now?" I bite my lip and wait for his response.
He just shakes his head. "No. You go, I need a minute."
"Wait, what the fuck even happened just then?" Bob shouts, frustrated. "Frank like broke down and now he's fine? What's wrong?"
"Uhh, Bob? I think you should leave it for now. Just give them time, okay?" Ray comes up from behind and pulls him back by his arm. Bob visibly relaxes and he smiles at the fro'd boy. I just stand there awkwardly.
"Uh, yeah. I'll, er... Yeah." I mumble before turning away and walking to Gerard's door.
"Wait, Frank! You have-" I stop them with a wave of my hand and close the door behind me.
There's two other people in the room, my poor baby and the doctor. Seeing Gerard so helpless on that hospital bed makes all of the anger wash away from me, all I care about is helping him. Making him feel better again. I clear my throat slightly and the doctor turns to face me. She looks slightly shocked.
"What did you do to your hand?" She asks suspisciously.
"It's no big deal. How's Gerard?" I dismiss it without even looking down. The doctor gives me a disbelieving look but she smiles at me.
"Are you Frankie?" She asks curiously.
"Um... Yeah, t-that's me. W-why?" I stutter.
"He's been asking for you." She states, smirking when I blush.
"He has?" My voice cracks slightly on the words, my nerves getting the better of me.
"Uh huh. Well, I'm just about finished in here so I'll just leave you two alone. Whatever you do, don't stress him out. He's been through enough, just be gentle."
"Of course. Thanks doc."
"Call me Janey." She smiles, walking out the door. Jeez, are all doctors this friendly? I look back to where Gerard lay on his bed, sleeping. His face is battered and bruised, but despite all that, he looks so peaceful. It's good that he's actually sleeping for once. But, of course, that came with a price. A horrible, fucked up price.
I sigh and rub my eyes with my hands, trying to rid myself of all exhaustion and tears. I leave my hands over my eyes for a good couple of minutes, breathing deeply to control myself. As I take them away, I see Gerard moving around on his hospital bed with a pained look on his face. I rush over to his side and take his hand in mine.
"Gerard, honey. Gee, it's okay. You're safe, it's me, Frankie." I soothe, kissing his hand softly. "You're safe."
His breathing starts to deepen and he bolts upright, his eyes snapping open. He pulls his hand out of mine and moves it to his chest, as if trying to hold himself together. He stays frozen like that for a few seconds, just staring at the wall. He must remember what's happened, because his eyes widen in shock and he crumbles. His body slumps back down on the bed and begins to sob, the sound agonizing and heartbreaking. I take his hand in mine again and turn him to face me.
"Gerard. Gerard, it's Frankie. Gee?" He looks up at me, his eyes swimming with pain and sorrow. It's too much for me so I look down at our hands.
"Frankie?" He questions, his voice trembling.
"Yeah, honey, I'm right here. You're okay, I've got you now." I bend down to kiss his forehead, brushing his hair out of his face. He reaches his arms up and hugs me.
"Frankie! I-I'm sorry!" He sobs into my chest. I'm actually starting to feel a little choked up, as I feel tears spring to my eyes.
"What are you talking about Gee?" I whisper into his hair, stroking his back comfortingly.
"I-I let him h-hurt me! I c-couldn't stop him!" I pull away from him slightly, still keeping our fingers entwined.
"What?" I almost shout in disbelief. I feel guilty though, when I see him flinch. "I'm sorry Gee, I didn't mean to shout. But I just want you to know. This? This was NOT your fault, okay? Do you hear me? Don't you dare apologize!"
"B-But if I wasn't so pathetic I would have been able t-to stop him." His bottom lip trembles and the sight of him just makes my anger melt. All I want to do is comfort him, let him know that everything's going to be okay. I pull him back into a hug.
"Gerard, no. If that's what that sick bastard told you, then he's wrong! If anything, I should be the one saying sorry! I wasn't there to help you when you needed it!." The first icy cold tear trickles down my cheek as I look at my boyfriend. "Believe me, I will make this bastard pay for what he's done to you. You did not deserve this, this was not your fault." I take his face in my hands. "Do you understand me, Gee?"
He just nods, his large eyes glistening with trapped tears. I lean in and kiss him gently on the lips. "I love you." I say earnestly. "Never forget that."
Gerard gives a feeble attempt at a smile. "I love you too Frankie."
I just smile back at him, stroking his hair as he cries silently. I wipe away the tears with both of my thumbs and Gerard looks back up at me. His face scrunches up in confusion, before turning into a worried expression.
"Frankie?" He croaks out. "Why do you have blood on your face? Are you okay?" I take my phone out of my pocket to check my reflection and sure enough, there is blood on my face. I chuckle awkwardly and put my phone away again.
"I'm fine, it's just my hand." I say dismissively, waving my hand in the space between us. He sniffs and wipes his eyes with the back of his hand.
"Are you sure it's okay?" He looks at it warily. "I didn't think you liked blood?"
I just shrug. "Hm. I dunno, maybe it's because it's mine or something, you know? Anyway, you look exhausted. Why don't you try and go to sleep huh?" I ask quietly, still brushing his hair away.
He suddenly looks scared. "I don't want you to leave me, Frankie! Please don't leave!" He begins to cry again, gripping my hand tightly and burying his face into my chest.
"Hey, hey. Gerard, look at me." He looks up, eyes wide and childlike. "I'm not going anywhere. I told you." He relaxes and lays back down on the bed, his sobs becoming quieter.
"P-Promise?" He sniffs. I bend down and kiss his forehead.
"I promise." I whisper before taking his hand firmly in mine and sitting down by his bedside, my head resting on the rails of the bed.
I just watch him as his chest rises and falls as he breathes, his ribs visible through the hospital gown.
'It's going to get better now.' I think to myself.
Although I'm not sure if the thought's aimed at Gerard or me.
It hasn't sunk in yet, not really. The fact that someone could do that to him, it's just unfathomable. Gerard is probably one of the nicest people I know, and I'm not just saying that because he's my brother, I truly mean it. Not once can I recall him ever saying a nasty word about anyone- well, except Donald, but that's to be expected. He wouldn't dream of doing anything to hurt anyone, he's such a good guy. I'm not saying that anyone would ever deserve something so horrible and life destroying to happen to them, but if anyone did, it most certainly would not be Gerard.
Frank's been in there for a while, but I can't bring myself to go in. I don't mean it in a harsh way, but I just can't. I know it's so much worse for Gerard, but just knowing that my older brother was attacked in such a way kills me inside. I know I told Frank that it wasn't anyone's fault, but I'm seriously starting to doubt my own words.
Had he called out for help? Had he screamed for somebody to notice what was happening? What if he had, and we didn't answer those cries. What if he called out for us- the few people he truly trusted- and we didn't answer him?
There's just an overwhelming feeling of guilt as my thoughts come crashing down on me. The more I think about it, the more I believe that it could be my fault. I knew Gerard wasn't ill when he said he was, I knew it was just an excuse. I knew, yet I did nothing to stop him leaving. I didn't even make an effort to follow him. If I'd acted like a proper brother and looked out for Gee, maybe all this wouldn't have happened.
I'm pulled of my torturous thoughts by a small cough from behind me. I turn my head slightly to the side, and see Becky standing there awkwardly from the corner of my eye.
"Hey, Beck." I say, turning around to face her fully. I look around the hallway and see just Ronnie standing there. "Wait- where are Ray and Bob?" I ask, my brow furrowed in confusion.
"Oh, they went to get more coffee. Anyway, I was wondering if you'd want to maybe pick some things up for Gerard from home? Like some clothes or something? My mum says it's okay for him to do that." I smile down at her.
"Not just yet, I wanna see Gee first." She looks awkward again and waves her hand as if trying to silently correct me.
"Yeah, I figured that much. But I was wondering if you wanted Ronnie and I to go?" She looks back at the muscular boy, who looks shocked at being spoken to. "Is that alright, Ronnie?"
He nods quickly, pushing away from the wall. "Yeah, no problem, anything you want." I look at him then. He genuinely looks like he cares for the situation going on.
I walk towards Ronnie, and he flinches slightly as if he thinks I'm going to have another go at him. Instead, I just extend my hand. "Thankyou, Ronnie. I can't tell you how much I appreciate what you've done, man. Seriously. Thanks." He looks bewildered, but accepts my hand, shaking it firmly.
"It's no problem, honestly. It's the least I could do, you know?" He rubs the back of his neck, looking down at the floor. I nod, and Becky walks forward and pulls his arm, obviously intending to leave. But Ronnie remembers something. "Oh, and I know this makes up for absolutely nothing, but I just wanted you to know that if anyone ever bothers you or any of your friends again, I can... you know... help? And if any of my friends are ever nasty to Gerard again, they will not live to see another day. I know that I was horrible to him- jeez, I made his life absolute HELL! I know that, and it's killing me. I just want to do all that I can to help from now on. So... if you ever need anything... I'm here for you guys." He looks as though he's about to cry, and I feel any past hatred for him slowly dissolve as his words sink in.
"Ronnie... I... Thank you." I whisper, unable to comprehend his sudden kindness. "Have you told Gerard any of this?" He nods and smiles slightly.
"Yeah, I managed to catch him before he left school this afternoon. We're alright. He understands that I'm not going to hurt him anymore, that I'm gonna protect him instead." Ronnie sounds awkward, as if embarrassed by what he's saying. I just shrug it off and respond with the friendliest smile I can manage.
"That's good, then. If Gerard forgives you, then so do I." I pat him on the shoulder and he sighs with relief, his shoulders slumping as he exhales.
"Okay, it's cool that everyone's all buddy buddy now, and I love that... But I think we'd better go before rush hour hits. If Gerard is conscious, it'll only be a matter of time before he's itching to draw stuff. So, that obviously requires his sketch pad. Which requires us-" She gestures between Ronnie and herself. "To go back to yours. Now, Michael, my dear friend. May we have your keys?"
I smile as she adopts an even posher british accent, and fish around in my bag for my house key. When I hand it to her, she grins and slaps me playfully on the cheek.
"Thankyou, Mikey darling." She giggles, starting to walk down the corridor, pulling Ronnie with her. "We shouldn't be too long, about 45 minutes or so." She shouts just before rounding the corner.
And now I'm on my own. I've never felt more isolated from others before. The thoughts of guilt suddenly come flooding back to me, engulfing my entire being with a feeling so terrible I want to cry until the pain of it all goes away. I know I shouldn't be the one upset here, Gerard was the one who was attackes. But it's just such a life changing thing- not just for Gerard, but for all of his friends, me and mom. It's gonna affect us all as we try and help Gerard rebuild his life again. It'll all be worth it in the end, but I can't do it on my own. I need to find Ray and Bob, I'm not ready to see Gee yet.
I set off down the hallway in search of the pair, remembering where Becky said they were. It doesn't take me long to find them, and boy is what I see a shock to the system!
Pressed up against the wall, the two boys are tangled in a passionate embrace. I just stand there awkwardly, too embarrassed to make my presence known to the couple. So, instead of walking away, I watch in shock as Bob tangles his fingers in Ray's 'fro while he kisses him.
If I'm honest, I'm not really that surprised that they've ended up together. I'm more shocked at the fact that Ray is letting someone touch his hair! If that was anyone else, he'd command the fro to swallow our hands!
I decide I've had enough of the awkwardness, it's just too much. But I do, however, want to embarrass them. So instead of walking away, I clear my throat loudly. The sounds rips through the silence, causing the two to jump apart, both of them looking terrified. When they see me standing there, their looks of horror intensify, their eyes and mouths wide open. I just smirk at them.
"Nice coffee?" I have to bite my lip to stop myself laughing at their expressions. It's priceless. In fact... this is one for the memories. I quickly get my phone out and take a photo, laughing hard now.
They just stand there for several moments before looking at each other and then back at me. Bob looks as though he's trying to think of something to say, but he's coming up blank apparently. He just goes back to staring at me in horror. As if someone's suddenly flicked a switch for their brains, they both start talking over the other, trying to explain.
"It's not what it looks like"
"No, not at all."
"You aren't going to tell anyone are you?"
"Oh, god, this is so embarrassing"
"At least you aren't Frank."
"Yeah, he'd take the piss so much."
They appear to run out of things to say, looking at eachother before dropping their gazes to the floor.
"I thought 'it's not what it looks like'? Why would Frank take the piss if there was nothing going on?" I say, smirking at my sharpness. Their heads snap up in unison, cheeks flaming.
"Chill out, I've known there was something going on between you two for ages, I just kept forgetting to ask you about it. I am a little hurt, though.... Why didn't you tell us?" I pull my eyebrows together, frowning at my friends.
Bob looks at me sheepishly, biting his lip ring. "I don't know, we just weren't ready for people to know I guess." He looks sideways at Ray, who gives him a gooey-eyed smile. If it weren't for the fact that it was so mushy, it might've been cute.
"Well, even though you kept it from me- which hurts me deeply, I must admit." My tone playful. "I'm really happy for you guys. I always thought you'd make a cute couple." I add genuinely, making the two boys blush.
"Yeah, well, us too." Ray says, trying to diffuse the awkwardness of the situation. I have after all, just walked in on them practically eating each other.
"Aww, stop it! It's getting adorable now!" I gush, my flamboyant side emerging once again.
"Shut up, you prick." Bob laughs as he laces his fingers with Ray's. It's too much.
"Oh, come here you guys!" I squeal, running them and hugging them both tightly. When I release them, they look embarrassed, looking anywhere but at me.
Bob clears his throat. "Anyway, what are you doing here? Why aren't you with Gerard." My smile vanishes as my mood darkends dramatically, sighing in exasperation.
"I know it's bad, but I can't face him yet. The longer I put it off, the more I can pretend it's not real. Is that so bad?"
"Well, it depends. We don't actually know what's happened..." Ray states matter-of-factly.
"I'm not sure you want to know." Bob gives me a sarcastic look.
"Of course not, that's why we kept on asking." He says rather harshly. Ray looks up at him in annoyance and elbows him in the ribs, causing the blond boy to cry out in pain. "Ow!" He grumbles irritably. "What was that for?"
"You don't have to be such an ass about it, Bobbert." He turns his attention back to me. "What he meant to say was, we want to know."
I sigh deeply, my head rolling forwards. "Well.... Okay, I guess it's only fair that you guys know. But first you need to come back so we can wait for Becky and Ronnie." I say, defeated, turning on my heel and walking back to where Gerard's room is situated.
"Okay, then. Wait, where are they?"
"We're here." Becky chirps cheerfully, joing us as we pass the staircase.
"That was quick!" She just gives me a funny look.
"Not really, we were gone for..." She checks her watch. "55 minutes." What?!
"Huh." I state simply. "It didn't seem that long."
"Well, it was and we have clothes and his sketchpad and some comics I thought he might like to read. I didn't know exactly what to pick up, so I got those." Becky finishes awkwardly, but I just smile gratefully at her.
"We, uh. We got his iPod too. I figured he'd like to take his mind off of things with his music, I dunno." Ronnie blushes as we all turn to look at him.
"Thanks you guys. It means a lot."
"No problem, anything to help." Becky squeezes my cheek between her thumb and forefinger before giving me a gentle slap.
"Yeah, not to be rude or anything Mikes, but can you tell us what's wrong now? Why did Frank act like that and why do you seem different?" Bob asks impatiently. I sigh and sit down on the uncomfortable plastic chair behind me.
"I might just be overreacting, but in my opinion this is terrible." They all stay silent as I sit with my head in my hands, my long fingers running through my hair. "I'm sorry, actually Becky could you just ask your Mom? I really don't wanna talk about this." I stand up, my eyes watering.
"Aw, come on man! You can tell us!" Bob persists.
"No, I really can't! You don't understand, okay? Just leave me alone for a bit, okay?" Bob wasn't having any of it.
"Mikey, just fucking tell us! How hard can it be?" He shouts at me, ignoring Ray's warnings.
I turn around to face them, standing up as straight as I can.
"Drop it, Bob. I'm serious." My voice is serious, and the other three back off. Bob, however, doesn't seem to understand how much he's pissing me off.
"Are you for fucking real? What is with you?! First Frank has a break down, and now you're acting like-"
"He was raped!" I scream right in his face, squaring up to him. His face drops, and he stares at me in horror. I sigh, feeling utterly defeated as I step away from him. "He was raped." I whisper.
I look up from the floor and look at the four people surrounding me. The sight of Bob looking so awkward makes me angry. "Are you happy now? I've filled you in on all the 'juicy gossip'!" Bob looks shocked as I adress him angrily, with a voice dripping with sarcasm.
"I didn't know." He says simply.
"Yeah, and maybe it would've been better if it had stayed that way. You knew I wasnt comfortable talking about it, but you wouldn't shut up! Well, now you've got what you wanted." I scowl at him once more before turning to look at Becky. "Can I have Gerard's things please?" And without a word, she hands them over. I give a tight smile to Ray and Ronnie before turning away and walking into Gerard's room.
Frank is sitting at Gerard's bedside, and they're talking softly. Not softly enough that I can't hear, though. It sounds as though Frank's trying to get some information out of my brother. I don't think they've noticed me yet, so I stay silent in my corner, in the open door frame.
"Gee, honey, I know this is hard for you. Come on Angel, don't you cry. Frankie's here." Frank hoists himself up onto Gee's bed and hugs him, rocking them back and forth to calm Gerard down. "I just think it'd be better for you if you told us who did this." He kisses Gee's forehead, before staring deeply into his eyes.
"I-I guess so." Gerard whispers, still crying softly. "All right I'll t-tell you. But please don't do anything st-stupid!"
"Why would I do anything stupid Gee? I'd never hurt you!" Frank looks confused, but not angry, still keeping his voice level and calming.
"I know you Frankie. I know that you'll probably k-kill them."
"They'd sure deserve it." Frank mutters under his breath, although definitely louder than he had intended.
"Be that as it may, I don't w-want you to get into trouble." He sniffs.
"I love you, I wouldn't want to hurt you." Frank pauses, thinking over his next sentence. "I promise I won't get into trouble. He's the only one who's going to be in trouble. Tell me Gee, tell me who touched my sweet Angel." He whispers, stroking Gerard's hair. "How 'bout I make this easier? Is he older than us?" Gerard shakes his head. "No? Well, does he go to our school?" Nod. "Is he in our year?" Another nod. "Do I know him?" Gerard swallows deeply before nodding again, tears threatening to fall again. I hate seeing my brother like this.
Gerard begins to sob, and Frankie begins rocking them back and forth again. "It's okay Gee, take your time."
"No. No, I want to t-tell you." He says with surprising strength in his voice.
Frank just stays quiet, listening to what my brother has to say. I can't help but lean in closer to get a better listen as my brother whispers those godawful words.
"It was Andy."
I can see Frank's entire body freeze as the words fall upon his ears.
"Andy Biersack?!" I shout angrily, causing the two to turn towards me in shock.
I'm going to fucking kill him.
How was it? A let down? If it was, then I'm really sorry, I'll try and make it up to you in future chapters.... AS I said before, rate and review please to make mama happy! Reviewers get the giant mouse robot from Professional Griefers video!!!
Love you guys so much!