The title. My Ryan Ross fantasy. (Finally decided to post this! Sorry it sucks, but the others should get better. Hopefully.)
This was their favorite activity to do on Friday nights in the middle of winter. The two pushy virgins sat on their couch at home, vodka shots in front of them, scandalous soap opera playing.
"Ew. Ryan. It's like they have no morals," Miranda said to her boyfriend. "I mean, Tony's cheating on Jessica with Mary, but I can't even feel bad for Jessica, because she's been banging Mark for a week!"
Ryan shook his head. "I know. It's so savage! NO morals whatsoever!"
They continued watching.
Paula walks in on Tony and Mary.
"ABSTINENCE!" They each take a shot.
Tony seduces Paula afterwards.
"ABSTINENCE! Oh, gross!" Another shot.
"This tastes good," Ryan said. He licked his shot glass.
Jessica and Mark have sex.
"ABSTINENCE!" They shriek, throwing back another shot.
"Ryan, how much longer is this episode?"
"Half an hour. We might as well just finish the vodka right now."
The young couple finished the bottle of vodka, turned off the TV, and fell asleep on the couch together.
Miranda woke up confused, her head hurting and her vision fuzzy. whaaaaaaat's going oooooooooon.
She sat up, disoriented, looking around. She was huddled under a bunch of blankets on the couch, her body next to Ryan's. She smiled and snuggled her face into his Christmas sweater.
Ryan blinked his eyes open. "Oh, heeey Mirandaaa," he said, his words slurred.
"Heeeeey, Ryan," she replied. "I wanna have seeeeeex."
He smiled. "Okaaaaay. Me too."
Miranda reached up to stroke Ryan's hair and cheek. She pulled his face closer to hers, and pressed her mouth to his, kissing him sloppily and drunkenly.
He climbed on top of her as they continued to kiss, their breathing becoming ragged, and growing warmer as their bodies increasingly moved against each other.
As Miranda undid Ryan's jeans and he was sliding off her shirt, a thought occurred to both of them.
"ABSTINENCE!" they both yelled, staring into each other's eyes in shock and horror. A moment passed, and they sprang away from each other, running in opposite directions.
"Oh my god!" Miranda cried. "What's happening?" She pressed herself against the wall, her eyes shut tightly.
Ryan was at the opposite wall, trying to clear his head. "I don't know!" He answered, his voice trembling. "Do you still want to fuck me as much as I still want to fuck you?"
Miranda nodded, fear evident in her eyes. "Yes! Ryan, what's wrong with us?"
They were completely still as they looked at each other from across the room.
Miranda's heart raced, and suddenly, seemingly out of her control, she walked towards Ryan. His eyes widened with each step she took.
She pushed him against the wall and leaned in to kiss him, but stopped a few inches away.
"Ryan..." she started.
"I love you." And against her better judgment, she closed the gap between them.
Ryan's mind was screaming. Abstinence! it was trying to tell him. But he didn't stop kissing his girlfriend. In fact, it got heavier, and against his control, he picked her up amd started carrying her upstairs to his bedroom.
His legs were moving of their own accord. "Stop," Miranda said. "Ryan, put me down!"
"I... can't..." he ground out. "What's... going... on today?"
In fact, the massive buildup of sexual tension between the two had finally exploded, but neither of them wanted to admit it.
They arrived at his bedroom. Ryan set Miranda on the mattress and collapsed onto it next to her. They were still for a while, both of them breathing heavily. "Miranda," he said slowly, "You have to get out of this room right now."
Her body was tense. She fought the urge to just jump on top of her boyfriend, and sat up. /You can do this, Miranda/, she told herself. /Remember, abstinence/. She swung her legs over the side of the bed and slowly walked out of Ryan's room, each step feeling like a marathon.
Meanwhile, Ryan stayed lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling and gripping the sides of the bed to prevent himself from running after Miranda and just taking her on the floor.
Miranda began walking faster after she left, object of desire out of sight, and as she descended the stairs, she started running. Once she got to the living room, she grabbed her purse and frantically fished around for her phone. When she found it, she pressed number two on speed dial amd waited for her friend to pick up.
"What do you want, Miranda?" Jennifer asked, her voice annoyed.
"Jen," Miranda said, her voice quiet and panicked, "I need you."
Jennifer sighed, rolled off her bed, and motioned at a shirtless Bob that they would have to resume their activity later. He got off the bed and left the room. Jennifer sighed and asked, "What's happening?"
"I was gonna stay at Ryan's apartment for the weekend," Miranda started, "And we almost..."
"We almost had sex," Miranda whispered.
Jennifer's eyes went as wide as plates. "OH MY GOD... But you guys are, like, the innocent abstinent couple! This is breaking the laws of the universe!"
Miranda wanted to cry. "I know!" she said sadly, "I need you to come over and help us figure out what's going on! I still want to have s-" She stopped, and heard the light pad of footsteps coming down the stairs.
"Oh my god, he's coming back down," she whispered in horror. "Jen, save me!"
"Okay, I'll come over as soon as I can," Jennifer breathed out, already running to the door. She grabbed her car keys and burst onto the porch, where the weather greeted her.
"Fuck! It's snowing!" Jen exclaimed. She looked down at what she was wearing. She had on her pajamas. "Look," she said into the phone, "I don't know how long it's gonna take for me to get to y... Miranda?"
There was no response. Jennifer put the phone against her ear and, listening carefully, heard strange animalistic noises. It took her a moment to realize what was happening.
"OH MY GOD, OKAY, MIRANDA STOP MAKING OUT WITH HIM FIRST, I'M COMING OVER!" Jen hung up, then sprinted across the snow to her car, barefoot.
As Jennifer was frantically speeding her way to Ryan's place, the young couple had devised a way to protect their virtue.
Somehow, they were now each duct taped to chairs on opposite sides of the living room.
"We gotta stay abstinent!"
Miranda and Ryan were in hysterics by now, not wanting to give in to their physical temptations.
"This is all your fault, Ryan!" Miranda yelled, needing someone to blame. "If you weren't so attractive then we wouldn't be in this mess!"
Ryan was shocked for a moment, then outraged. "This is
my fault? I didn't see you complaining when you pushed me against the wall earlier!"
His girlfriend's eyes widened. "You were the one who carried me up to your bedroom!"
"You initiated it!"
"You could have stopped it!"
"I'm better at being abstinent then you, that's for sure!"
"Oh, you did not just say that!"
They continued yelling and letting off steam at each other for a few minutes, when Jennifer busted her way in.
"I'M HERE... oh my gosh, what?"
She stared. The yelling ceased. "Hey, Jen..." Miranda started.
Jennifer sighed. "I'm gonna untape you guys."
Ryan shook his head violently. "We need the tape!" he said. "Without it we wouldn't be holy anymore!"
Jennifer looked at him, then at Miranda, who was nodding earnestly. Then she put her head in her hands and rubbed her eyes.
"I came in and... you guys were JUST arguing, right now... and you still want to have sex?"
Miranda nodded again. "Yeah! I mean, look at his face."
Ryan's face was adorable.
Jen sat down on the couch, crossed her arms, and said, "Well, I don't know what to tell you guys, except just have the sex already. Or get married and have the sex, I don't know."
Two heads turned toward her curiously. "Married?"
Her eyes widened. Oh my god...
Everything was silent. Two lovers contemplated their fate. One horrified friend waited in tense agony.
Ryan turned his head toward Miranda. "Miranda, I love you, and I can't live without you. Will you marry me?"
She blushed and smiled. Looking at the floor, she replied, "I can't live without you either."
Everything was quiet until Jennifer spoke up.
"I guess I'll untape you guys now."
After getting Jennifer's text, Bob waited by the front door until he heard her pull up. He jogged over to the car, sliding into the passenger seat.
Jennifer groaned. "Them." She gestured towards the backseat.
Miranda and Ryan were holding hands and giggling like teenage girls.
"SHUT UP GUYS!" Jennifer yelled at them.
"Wow, someone's hormonal," one of them whispered.
Jen gritted her teeth and began the search for the first Vegas chapel in sight.
"No one should have to be a witness to this," Bob whispered to Jennifer.
They were now both sitting in an empty pew, among rows of empty pews, watching their friends get married.
Miranda and Ryan were holding hands and looking lovestruck into each other's eyes, giving the cheesiest vows to ever escape a person's mouth.
Jennifer leaned in to respond. "Well, yeah, it's a little weird, but it kinda feels right, you know? Like, they really are in love. Whatever happened later still would have brought them right here."
"Wow, Jen. When did you become such a girl?"
She punched him in the shoulder. He laughed and turned away, masking his pained expression. Jennifer savored the moment.
They watched the couple at the altar kiss ("Aww! I mean..." Bob coughed instead of saying anything more.) Then they happily walked back to Jennifer and Bob.
"Okay!" Ryan clapped his hands together. "Let's go home. We gotta start our honeymoon." Then he turned to Miranda and they made sex eyes at each other.
Jennifer may have thought it was all sweet and nice, but this time she almost threw up.
They were parked outside Ryan's apartment. The newlyweds had gone inside, and Jennifer sat on the driver's seat, hands on the wheel, staring out the window. Then she turned to Bob.
"This has been the most surreal day of my life."
I can't believe no one arrests me for writing fics. Like, these things are probably crimes against humanity.